We’re all familiar with the romantic notion that there’s a perfect mate out there for everyone. If you just wait long enough, fate will intervene and that special person will find their way into your life. And if romantic movies are to be believed, it will be in some bizarre and amusing manner that will make for a fantastic story to tell the grandkids.
But is that really true? Is there someone for everyone? And if there is, why haven’t you met yours?
As simple as those questions seem, there really are a number of layers to be considered before answers can be given.
Defining Your Someone
One of the most frustrating things about meeting the right person is all the wrong people you have to go through first. If you’ve been on some crummy dates, or dated someone who turned out to be a narcissistic jerk masquerading as a decent, caring person, then you know how it can feel like there’s just no one out there for you.
Perhaps part of the problem, however, is that you really haven’t thought through what it is you truly want in a partner.
This goes far deeper than saying, “I like blondes with a good sense of humor,” or “Just someone nice who treats me well.” Finding the right mate means understanding more deeply what it is you value in a person now and for the future.
This isn’t about physical attributes, although feeling sexually drawn to someone is important. Defining what you want in a partner means looking at the less superficial traits in a person and how those traits balance and fit yours.
A friend of mine, for instance, considers faith to be a big part of her life. In spite of that, she began a relationship someone who is agnostic. While they had fun together and were physically attracted to each other, their different views began to affect the way they related to one another and caused tension. At a certain point it became clear that it was like trying to make two puzzle pieces fit together that were almost right, but not quite.
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying the company of those who see life differently than you, but understanding the long-term implications of different views on your ability to support each other and create happiness together is also important.
Relying On Fate vs. Forethought
Anyone who’s anxiously waiting for the love of their life to trip over a curb and clumsily fall into their arms, setting off a cascade of love-at-first-sight emotions, knows it can be a sad and lonely wait. And a long one to boot.
The biggest struggle when it comes to waiting for that special someone is just that – waiting.
If there is a perfect person for everyone, relying on fate to throw them in your path isn’t the smartest plan. Meeting people and making a meaningful connection actually takes a bit of time and forethought. So, if you’re one of the many wondering why you can’t seem to find the right person, ask yourself the following questions.
• Have you really put yourself out there? Finding someone means you have to meet someone. If you spend most of your time at work and home, it makes it tough to meet new people. You need to create opportunities for new people to come into your life. This might mean taking on a new hobby, joining a club or gym, going to church, or volunteering for a cause that’s important to you, or just going out with friends more often. If fate is an actual thing it certainly doesn’t work without some assistance on your part.
• Do you reject people too quickly? Do you have friends who want to set you up, or is the barista at your local coffee shop giving you the eye? Maybe the last guy wore mismatched socks on your first date, or the cute girl you met for coffee snorts when she laughs. If you’ve had even vaguely similar situations and shut the door on all of them, you may not be allowing yourself the opportunity to meet and actually get to know someone who could potentially be “the one.”
• Are you waiting for them to approach you? I know a man who wants so badly to get married and start a family. But when you ask him what he’s done to further these desires he’ll tell you no one has come along. The truth is he figures a woman who wants what he wants will let him know and it will progress from there. Hmm…I’m betting on a long wait for him.
• Are you too narrowly defining what you want? Tall, blonde, dark eyes, big bank account, only likes large dogs, must love sushi, and has to agree that Tom Selleck is the only man who can get away with wearing a mustache. Well, that person might be out there – but they also may live in a different country or believe that if you look hard enough, you’ll eventually find a leprechaun hiding in a patch of clover. Either way, too narrow a definition of what you want in a mate can mean you never find one.
Any of these factors can mean you’re giving the idea of fate too much power over your own happiness. Meeting the right person will require you to take control and make the right kinds of effort on your own.
Recognizing That “Someone” When You’ve Met Them
Another factor in finding the right person for you is your ability to recognize when you’ve actually met them. Because of the overly romanticized notion of Mr. or Mrs. Right, many can easily overlook the person who’s already in their path and may be their best match.
You know that person in your life who just gets you? They’re usually the one with whom things are easy, and fun. They make you laugh, give good advice, aren’t afraid to tell you you’re wrong, and are quick to make-up when you have a disagreement. They might be the co-worker you’re always happy to see, or the high school friend you’ve stayed in touch with, or the neighbor that you end up chatting with almost every day.
Whoever they are, just because they started in the friend zone doesn’t mean that’s where they need to stay. The point is, it’s possible to overlook the person right in front of us just because of the category we’ve placed them in. Or because they don’t meet all the predetermined boxes. Or because they don’t share your view regarding Tom Selleck’s mustache for that matter.
So, is there someone for everyone? Well, based on the number of single people out there who’d prefer not to be, it seems statistically likely. But if what you really want to know is if there’s someone for you – the answer depends on whether you’re going to rely on “fate” to create your happiness, or take control of your life and do your part to find them.
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Photo by Gama. Films on Unsplash
Although columns like these are very positive perhaps the latest dating advice puts things in perspective, us guys are (or at least average guys) are doomed, women have become so picky (most have) we don’t know how to date, all a guy has to do is look at the advice given and all the “hoops” we have to jump through, most guys are staying single. A recent documentary on CNN put forward the fact that most Genz guys are not even bothering to date. Perhaps one of the most accurate internet sites puts well https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVOx5QprO2s . Enough said.
Women today aren’t like the old days at all either since most women back then were real ladies and very old fashioned which was a real plus. Today most women go for looks and wealth when looking for a man, which back in the past it wasn’t all about looks and wealth at all. It was certainly much easier for a single man to find love in the past, and with most women being so very evil and horrible thanks to feminism which is why it is very hard now for most single men trying to find love today. And… Read more »
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