Christian Clifton explores the negative messages about men’s sexuality in a hope of changing unjust stereotypes.
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As a human being I have both needs and wants. Most of my cravings fall into these categories without much thought to their sorting. It’s second nature, usually, but every so often there are hiccups in the automation.
I see this happen with most men around me and around the world. We have bred a culture that dictates how we “should” act in order to be complete persons. Or, at least, complete men. This is a lie that I for one, want to stop perpetuating, and I hope others will join me. I want to stop some of the lies that we are told and then continue to tell about men. Whether it’s a stereotype, anecdote, or just a funny story about “boys being boys” we need to shine a better light on who they are.
There is always a rally call to end the objectification of women and to save them from stereotypes and negative comments; there should be an equal call to save men from the false pictures we paint of them. I know there may be a grain of truth to many of the stereotypes of men, but if we want them to change we have to be willing to accept that change. Each person is responsible for altering the role of stereotypes in their thinking process.
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Let’s look at one of the issues that often finds men miss-represented and miss-labeled because of our great love for stereotypes.
Perhaps the most misplaced use of the term “need” within relationships and men is when it is applied to sex. All the time I hear of men’s sexual needs that have to be quenched. I have learned a truth concerning sex that many men might not want to admit; I don’t NEED sex.
If I could not breathe for a few minutes; I would die. If I were to go a week or two without water; I would die. If I stopped eating for a month or so; I would die. These are all things that can be accurately labeled as needs because without them we would perish.
This may come as a surprise to some but I once went 21 years without sex before I was married, and as luck would have it, I survived that terrible ordeal. I did not get weak, sick, delirious, seizures, headaches, pain of any kind, depression, nausea, or any number symptoms that are only listed at the end of a commercial for a new experimental medication by a voice over played at three times speed. Get ready for one more shock to the system, even after having sex I can survive without it for days or weeks on end with no ill effects.
Feel free to pick your jaws up off the ground.
Do I want sex? Absolutely, but it does not define my marriage and is nowhere near the focal point of it either. I would weep for anyone in such a relationship for they are missing out on a great deal. There is so much more to another person than the short lived pleasures of the body.
Don’t take this as me trying to belittle the importance or beauty of sex. Physical intimacy is an important part of a serious relationship, and can be a wonderful addition. Sex is the ultimate proof of trust and when used appropriately will bring two people closer together. Again my issue is not with sex itself but rather the false beliefs many hold about men’s sexuality.
In media of all types men are lampooned for being crazed sexual beings always looking for some way to satisfy their lust. As women are too often objectified by their bodies men are treated as no better than an animal fulfilling a primal desire. We hear it lightly put as jokes, innuendo, or a random fact that appears to be common knowledge.
If we want this to stop, men, we have to be willing to speak out against it. It is ok to say you value something other than sex in a relationship. You need to know there is so much more to a woman than what she is like in bed. You have to admit that sex is not an inescapable need.
I am a man, I am not an animal without ability to think beyond the urges my body throws at me. I am a man; I am more than my sex drive and see others in the same light. I am a man, and I do not need sex.
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photo: davidchief / flickr
I find it interesting how many responses seem to be talking about lack of touch/affection/relationship, rather than sex. This article is only talking about sex, not those other things. He is talking from the point of view of someone who has those other things, and if he still had them but not the sex, he would survive ok. One can meet their own desire for an orgasm without needing another person involved. Sure, it is less satisfying than with another, but we’re not animals. I would argue that most humans do need at least some affection/touch in their lives, this… Read more »
Gotta disagree with you on this one, Christian.. While I understand your position, men need sex. It’s not the end all be all, but it’s a substantial part of being a man. (As a man, I don’t think I can speak for women on this, but it seems like they don’t need it as much.) Kudos to you for abstaining for 21 years.
Do I want sex? Absolutely, but it does not define my marriage and is nowhere near the focal point of it either. I would weep for anyone in such a relationship for they are missing out on a great deal. There is so much more to another person than the short lived pleasures of the body. Sex does not have to be a binary either-or, and I think you’ll be hard-pressed to find a happy fulfilling relationship where one of the partners treat it as such. Also, I think that one giant step ahead would be to actually be able… Read more »
I don’t NEED a dictionary-ish explanation of the difference between wants and needs. It’s not like I need to go on living at the end of that time without oxygen–though I certainly WANT to. And without reading or writing any lengthy piece of prose to figure it all out. If you’ve ever been trapped underwater, you may be familiar with what seemed to me to be a pretty natural response. Likewise with sex. Need it? Want it? Who cares? Splitting that hair seems to minimize, marginalize, or just plain disregard my (and probably other men’s as well) sexuality. Some how…… Read more »
To be honest if I hear someone complaining that they haven’t had sex for a couple of weeks it’ll either be a woman or a gay man. A couple of weeks is nothing to a straight single male or a man who’s been in a relationship for a long time either for that matter. Long term abstention (and I don’t mean days or weeks; I mean months or years) is detrimental to one’s mental health – depression and frustration and stress are all associated with long periods without sex – it won’t kill you in the same way that long… Read more »
I hate that I can’t edit myself once I’ve posted; when I said months or years I was referring to single males not men in LTRs (obviously, I’d hope). The thing is I added the bit about LTRs as an afterthought and didn’t follow through on the next paragraph. Sounded weird reading it back.
Thanks Christian for the point of taking some of the emphasis off of sex as a need which leads us to the need for intimacy which often gets tangled in our sexuality. As Iben points out, empty sex such as online porn only leads to increased feelings of emptiness and addiction to sex. I would guess that sex was the “bridge” that brings us together for deeper intimacy, which is a deep psychological need. In fact, one of the cruelest punishments is solitary confinement. Sex is just the icing on the cake. It is intimacy that we really crave.
Great piece Christian. I never enjoyed the imagery that men were simply these lustful beasts that would go to any length to satisfy themselves and that was just “how men were.” I’ve even heard some men reference themselves as “dogs” with a smile and wink. As if it was a good thing that men and their sexuality were seen with such little regard, something that was consuming of others and selfish to boot. It’s especially evident in sexual material. The men in a lot of sexualized media (Anything from mainstream movies, commercials and adult material) tend to lean to these… Read more »
Archy, No More Mister Nice Guy by Robert Glover + this:
http://authenticmanprogram.com/downloads/InnerGameStickingPoints.pdf
…and the Book of Pook and you will have everything you need to learn how to attract women into your life.
If you also lift some weights (for looks and testosterone), learn to dress well and maybe learn a martial art and maybe take some dancing lessons, your odds will improve even more. Becoming active in dance subcultures such as the salsa community is an incredibly easy and fun way to meet lots of women in a setting that easily leads to hookups and relationships.
Glover has some excellent stuff and so does Deida. Agreed. Sex is a WANT for human intimacy. Sex is a NEED for human reproduction. Sex is not a human right or an automatic result of wedding vows. Part of my work with men is about understanding the difference between NEEDING and WANTING from a woman’s perspective. There is nothing more unattractive to a woman who senses sexual neediness in a man. He is the equivalent of a 13 yr. old who just found his dad’s Playboy collection. I wrote about it here: http://goodguys2greatmen.com/goodguys/a-womans-answer-to-having-more-sex-sex-brain-surgery/ Millions of single and married men need… Read more »
Always enjoy reading your posts Steve.
Part of the problem is also that women have the “definition priviliege” to judge whether a man’s desire for compainonship is a “want” or a “need”.
As somebody who is active in the dance community, I can’t disagree more with that statement.
Anyone who fails to see how sex is a need is clearly scientifically illiterate. The idea that we are all individuals and that individuals can stand and survive on their own can be, and often is, taken too far. Let’s have everyone refrain from sex for 100 years and see where that gets us. Sure, it’s something of a stupid (though not impossible) thought experiment, but it gets the point across doesn’t it? Sex is a need, whether you like it or not.
Now quit talking stupidity and carry on with life.
Sheesh.
@TheWetOne “Anyone who fails to see how sex is a need is clearly scientifically illiterate.” I agree. Just more gibberish and idealism. We, as Iben correctly pointed out, are sexual beings. Yes, there are individuals who can go long periods of time without sex. I did it in my 20s and much of my 30s. However, I do believe that most men and women at some point crave raw, animalistic, and intense sex. I only desire such with a woman whom I have feelings and know as as a person. I think the author is wrong in this regard. Hence,… Read more »
Hi Archy I am off point now,but I ca not help myself. Has it ever occurred to you that watching and using lots or online porn only makes you more and more hungry and make you suffer more ? The more sex you have the more you want. Maybe sex is a need for some persons but so for others. I have women friends married to men that say they have no need for sex,but like to be married. Maslow seems to be disputed http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Needs Why do we discuss if sex is a need or a want? Nobody has the… Read more »
@Iben, I find porn uses it up and I want it less. Burning off the extra energy and orgasming satisfies the craving. If I skip a few days the first orgasm feels better but it usually means I am also hornier lol.
Masturbation is no remedy for intimacy.
Amen to that!
But since the article was written from a standpoint of religious belief, I guess we all know what the Bible says about masturbation…
Hi FK
Does the Bible say anything about that in The New Testament?
I must have missed it.
Hi Iben,
I don’t know about yours, but my version of the Bible contains both the old and the new testament.
On another somewhat arbitrary note, I grew up in the pre-internet era.
Hi Archy
You always make me smile 🙂
Don’t worry if you are more honey ,maybe it will give you an “erotic aura “….
I wish I knew his to send thousands of women to your little village,so that you could find one you like.
Haha I was looking at an online dating place and looked up the local area on it. In the ages of 18-45 there were probably 3 female, and well over 30 male profiles. It’s similar on other sites I’ve seen too, seems far more males are single here (or are looking to date).
Well don’t get all bitchy when on your period, cause you have no idea what testosterone is like
Hi Archy It is a sign of health to be able to love,work and have sex! I once took a weekend seminar about use of herbs. To my surprise we learned that men in cloisters also know that some herbs we use in our food today give lover libido. So even those in voluntary celibacy struggle with sexual needs/ wants. Of course they do . I agree withy you Archy.we are sexual beings . Somehow I do not see the point of discussing if sex is a need or a want . The point is how we treat the others,or… Read more »
Forgive my typo
Some herbs give lower libido ( not ” lover” libido)
Less need and want for sex so to speak.
Well there’s always masturbation lol. The sex drive is annoying but regular masturbation n orgasms help extremely with burning off some of my anxiety so there is some benefit to the sex drive even when single, though I’d much prefer to be with someone. Prostitution when it’s legal, has safety, etc is ok..I’ve thought about going but so far I’ll just wait till I find someone instead. I believe the point was to say there’s no dying NEED to have sex and that we do have control, but on the flipside sex can be such a damn craving that it’s… Read more »
Yawn… another married man telling the clueless singles that affection isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.
Try it for a decade (and, I mean a decade in which you are post-pubescent. going “21 years without sex” when most of those years are spent as a child isn’t terribly impressive.)
Also, I have to wonder if you would be willing to write this same article aimed at women? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a woman’s ex-boyfriend lambasted as a jerk because he didn’t fulfill her sexual *needs*
Men don’t NEED sex on the individual level, but both genders NEED sex as a group to ensure reproduction for the species to survive. Sexual beings will often find loneliness however if they do not have a partner. Sexual beings in a sexless relationship will also have a craving for sex in most cases, when left unfulfilled it does lead to problems like resentment and possibly depression. “Get ready for one more shock to the system, even after having sex I can survive without it for days or weeks on end with no ill effects.” I’ve had sex about 4… Read more »