Relationships are powerful. Whether they’re a positive or negative experience, they have the power to impact us powerfully. And it is indeed when they are at their best or their worst, that we’re most affected. When they’re just ‘blah’ we can take ’em or leave ’em!
So in a way, our relationship rifts are very engaging to us. They provide endless fuel for the noisy mind to ruminate, ponder upon, and explore – especially our difficult or toxic relationships. Especially in the wee hours of the morning, when we most need to get our rest.
Nope, the mind says, I’ve got your bloody attention now and I’m not shutting up! And then it goes on to share every detail of the dysfunction:
Every sentence uttered between you and the person you’ve argued with.
What they said, and how they said it.
What you said, and how you said it.
What they really meant when they said A, B, or C.
How much comment A, B, or C, hurt you.
How guilty you feel about saying what you did/doing what you did.
How guilty they should feel about doing what they did/saying what they did.
How your little digs and ripostes struck home and scored points in the battle.
Etc. Ad Nauseum. And so on… You Know it’s true!
In short we think it’s our relationship rift that is driving our unhappiness, but actually, it’s our identification with our mind’s games around the relationship rift, that is causing our unhappiness.
Does this mean that we can’t be hurt by another’s angry words or difficult behaviour. Yes, of course, we can, in the moment. But if we’re no longer in that actual moment, then we’re hurting ourselves. We’re hurting ourselves by replaying, their or our behaviour, over and over again. Self-building hurt, upon hurt, upon hurt.
So what can we do about it when a relationship rift takes its toll?
1. Get Clear: What is this relationship really about?
What does it mean to you? What is its significance in your experience? You may think the answer’s obvious. Yet just take the time to see what significance you’re placing on the relationship beyond the obvious answers.
2. Ask: What does this person represent?
When a relationship rift goes deep, the ‘other’ person represents something very familiar to you. The feelings they bring up in you feel very, very, familiar. Finding out what the person represents, is a beautiful way to begin to create space and resolution between you.
3. How does this person respond to your energy?
Whether you say a lot or say nothing at all, this person already has a built-in response to your energy. So what are you giving out energetically in relation to this person? Is it an aura of Defeat? Combat? Frustration? Fear? Cynicism? Insecurity? Find out what you’re exuding when you’re around them.
4. How do you respond to this person’s latent energy?
Again, the same applies. What defensive mechanism, have you got running, based on your past interaction with this being? What are you already expecting to happen between you even before a word’s been said? Be very real about this. It’s your key to freedom!
5. What most needs to shift within you, in this relationship?
Yes within you. Not them. Does it matter too much to you? Are you making them too important to your well-being? Are you using them as a way to beat yourself up? Are you beating them up emotionally speaking, to make yourself feel better?
These insights will help you to create much more space and freedom in and around the relationship. When you have inner answers to the questions above you will feel much more at peace about this relationship, whether you become closer, or not. Whether you have a parting of the ways or not. You will still feel much more peace around it all.
Answering the questions above will begin to calm the mind. For when it tries to run rampant again in the middle of the night, you’ll be able to say: No, not this.
“This is not who I am, these are only thoughts, designed to keep me locked into a way of viewing my situation that disempowers me.”
You’ll see. That noisy mind will be released from its role of saying in its own strange, insecure, but ultimately loving way: Are you going to look at what’s really going on here, or not!
This article was originally published here.
What’s your take on what you just read? Comment below or write a response and submit to us your own point of view or reaction here at the red box, below, which links to our submissions portal.