Call me old-fashioned (you will), but I think there’s value in awkwardness.
I can no longer count my social profiles on one hand, and the possible methods to reach me exceed all 10 fingers. You can email me (at one of three addresses), Gchat me, friend me on Facebook, Facebook chat me, Facebook message me, post on my wall, subscribe to my blog, follow me on Twitter, connect with me on LinkedIn, flirt with me on OKCupid, text me, call me, or write me a letter.
I’ve been asked out four times in the last few weeks. Two invitations have arrived by text, one by email, and the last by message on OkCupid. Not one was spoken. My purpose in listing out my gentleman callers is not to tout my own popularity, because this excess of interest is out of the ordinary. It’s to point out that all these suitors are following a fairly proscribed protocol called “How to show interest without putting anything on the line.”
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Rejection, an inevitable byproduct of dating, is undoubtedly more painful when read across a person’s face. Instead of a carefully worded email, an ignored text, or an unwanted friend request, face-to-face rejection is usually accompanied by traces of pity, an awkward silence, or, at worst, visible irritation. Communication from a distance spares the asker these extra layers of embarrassment, and spares askees from seeing the disappointment they may be causing. It’s a safety net, and one that we’ve all bought into.
Ask your parents, or aunts and uncles, or even your cool 35-year-old cousin how they met their spouse. They will tell you the story of how they transitioned from nice-to-meet-you to I-like-you-and-you-like-me to let’s-do-this-thing, and I bet you 20 bucks it didn’t involve text messaging. I guarantee there was no friending on Facebook, either. They will probably tell you it was awkward, and there was probably a moment when one or both parties thought the whole thing would fall apart in a horrendous, humiliating miscommunication. But it didn’t, and here they are.
Call me old-fashioned (you will), but I think there’s value in awkwardness. I think there’s learning to be had in the face-to-face encounter, in the jerky ups and downs of a first date. I think that requiring someone who wants to date you to be bold enough to say “hey, I want to go on a date with you” is a good bar to set. Putting yourself on the line is terrifying, but we’ve painted ourselves into a corner where that revelation only occurs after Facebook friending, text messages, and emoticons have done the hard work for us.
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Say you are a straight man, and you meet a woman you’d like to see again*. Your pursuit may start with an artfully timed friend request. Too soon, and you seem overeager; too late, and she won’t remember who you are. You may launch with a carefully crafted text message—chatty to maintain innocence if her response flatlines, but with a hint of flirtation. If 160 characters doesn’t suit your literary style, perhaps you begin with a verbose email, designed to convey your true depth, disguised under a layer of wit (so she knows you don’t take yourself too seriously). The professionally-inclined might connect on LinkedIn, the tech-savvy might follow her on Twitter. If she doesn’t respond, it is only your words she has ignored; you are still safe.
I am as guilty of hiding behind screenames and user profiles as anyone. I like words—I find them comforting and infinitely more compliant on paper than when I speak them out loud. But I don’t want you to fall for words that have taken me hours to craft. I don’t want you to like me for a joke I can make when I have time to revise. I don’t want you to marvel at my vocabulary when a dictionary has been at my disposal. In person, I will fumble the punch line. I will mispronounce “niche.” I will probably stammer and pick my cuticles. There will be awkward silences. You may like me less than you thought you would and that’s okay. This, the awkwardness, the giggling, the momentary discomfort, and the potential for embarrassment, this is where we make a connection, not in the witty repartee of Gchat, but in front of each other. This is how good things start.
*Yes, I am aware that women can ask men out. In fact, I think that women should ask men out. But for the purposes of this article, and the audience to whom I write, I thought it best to address the current reality of modern dating. Perhaps I will address the lady askers in another post.
—photo kevindooley/Flickr
“*Yes, I am aware that women can ask men out. In fact, I think that women should ask men out. But for the purposes of this article, and the audience to whom I write, I thought it best to address the current reality of modern dating…” Of course, the “current reality of modern dating” includes the fact that women can ask men out. Seems to me that any discussion of how men need to suck it up (the possibility of rejection, that is) regarding asking women out should include some of the complexities of the supply/demand framework of dating that… Read more »
Do men really want to be asked out? In my experience, they only want to be asked out by super hot women. Being hit on by women they don’t like or aren’t attracted to makes men feel creeped out and awkward.
Welcome to a woman’s world.
Men want to be approached by women that they find attractive, just as women want to be approached by men that they find attractive.
I get the impression that (some) women approach a few men, get rejected, and on that basis conclude that “all” men don’t like being approached by women.
Sorry, no matter what anyone tells you, approaching potential partners is a numbers game.
The point may be to have one or several lunches together first. This doesn’t commit past the “friend” level. I think bar culture is miserable. The on-line route is probably better. The one on-line hook-up I had, we probably had sex too quickly. We’d done so much writing on-line, it seemed natural.
Another idea is to take a class. Over a semester, you can really get to know people.
The article would have been much more interesting if it didn’t mix the 1950 norm of men being required to do all the asking and inviting with today’s social media domination. The simple solution is for the writer and other women who prefer to start out with a face to face invitation to put themselves in the awkward at-risk situation and be the ones to get out there and do the asking and inviting.
I met my wife in a very old-fashioned way. It was through the personals, like a lot of people nowadays, but it was in this archaic thing called “print,” in a format called a “newspaper.” If you wanted to meet someone through the personals, you had to get your hands dirty with cheap ink, and you had to get their personal phone number as soon as possible because the personals’ voicemail system was so clunky. We both talked on landlines, and mine even had a cord attached to the receiver. The good old days of the last millennium.
I’m married, but shortly before this marriage had one (1) hook-up through OK Cupid. The thing that drew us together was that we’d both had graduate training in different social sciences. She was very attractive, as well. What actually cooled off the physical part was sexual incompatability. She was Miss Fast and I’m Mr. Slow. Much of our interaction on line was discussing political and social theory. We did like the tests on OKC. I’ve never used an emoticon, and Twitter seems very alien. We still work together professionally. We are doing a joint project in program evaluation. She has… Read more »
I love what you wrote! But I disagree with you slightly. I think there’s still awkwardness in all of our digital communications, but it’s just different. My boyfriend and I met through facebook. After I commented on a picture he was in he sent me a friend request. We messaged back and forth for a few days, then chatted via facebook chat, then exchanged numbers and texted for a few days and when he finally called me for the first time we laughed at how awkward it was to talk in person. When we skyped the first time we joked… Read more »
I think Charli’s definitely on to something here. Of course, the opposite can also be true. My third ex-wife (yeah, I know) and I met on Matchmaker.com in early 2000. She paperscreened beautifully, and we were each enchanted with the other’s wit, good grammar, and so forth. When we met in person, however, there was no “heat” — but because we’d already built up our expectations based on our excellent verbal communication in emails and on the phone, we ignored that obvious problem and kept pushing ahead. What we see on a screen can’t tell us about the presence or… Read more »
While I do agree that asking potential matches out in-person is a great thing, for some of us, it is less about the “hiding” and more about the dating pool. Basically, where do you meet people, and, furthermore, where do you meet the like-minded, other than the Internet, especially given certain circumstances? I will mercilessly use myself as an example: I am a twentysomething female college grad in a suburban wasteland. Going to bars is technically an option, but because there is no reliable public transit that runs after dark around here, I would have to spend the gas money… Read more »
I meant “Hugo” and I meant this as an indepedent comment, not a reply. Sorry.
I’m with you, it is so difficult to meet guys in real life if you aren’t interested in going to bars. (Not that I’ve eber met anyone interesting in a bar anyway!) I’m a female geek, and I have geek interests. I’ve gone to meet ups and similar activities, but the guys are so shy it is impossible to get anywhere. I’ve taken cooking classes and improv classes, and inevitably I hang out with the one gay guy in the class because he is the only one who will talk to me. All you shy geeky guys who read this… Read more »
Well, first of all, the number of guys who are going to “freeze up at hello” is probably extremely limited. Additionally, I think it isn’t even remotely fair to compare the very legitimate fear of rejection when initiating contact to “freezing up at hello.” Yes, you could ask the shy geeky guys out. Not only could you, but you should if you actually want to meet these guys. Otherwise, you can whine and complain about the lack of good guys while they’re all around you, and the only thing standing in between you and a potentially good relationship with them… Read more »
I can’t ask a guy out unless we have a conversation first so I can get an idea if there is even a slight possibility of some chemistry occurring. If he won’t have a conversation, I’m lost. See, guys will ask a woman out completely based on her looks, but I need to get an idea about his personality. I’m not going to walk up to a complete stranger and ask him out on a date. I at least need to find out if I even like him. Seriously, I’ve seen so many comments from guys complaining that women won’t… Read more »
Janice,
You’re experiencing what most guys do. I’ve attempted to start conversations with a lot of women who just didn’t respond to my conversational sallies. Were they too nervous, or just not interested? I’ll never know and have learned not to worry about it and just move on.
Welcome to a man’s world.
I like that one! Ms. Janice, I guess women have never really rejected me either,
I just did not see them as “worth my time and energy” . And I thought I was
being rejected?
I ask guys out a fair amount and rarely does it work out. They often do one or more of the following:
(1) assume that I’m desperate and crazy
(2) are so confused that they don’t know what to do
(3) think it’s a trick of some kind
(4) assume that I’m desperate and clingy
(5) feel annoyed and emasculated
I know there are guys out there that claim to want to be asked out, but I wonder how they react in real life to a girl making the first move.
@Keythah,
I don’t know how you’d know what those guys are thinking, but if they are thinking like that, it may be because a woman who approaches them is a rare phenomenon.
Most guys have to approach a number of women before they find one who is interested in return. You might consider that the guys you’ve approached so far just aren’t interested in you, and you will just have to keep approaching until you find one who is.
As I said before, welcome to a man’s world.
@chari: This. Thank you.
*charli. sorry! bad speller!
I would be curious to see in percentages, how many men in their 20s and 30s today get dates via the internet vs get dates through real life interactions such as asking someone out or meeting someone through friends compared to the percentages from just 20 years ago.
@Erin,
What do you mean by “….real life interactions such as asking someone out…..”
Do you mean a Cold Approach in some public place, or what?
I’m told that there is very little research as to how people find romantic/sexual partners aside from the anecdotal sort of “How We Met” stories that appear in the papers around Valentine’s Day.
“Say you are a straight man, and you meet a woman you’d like to see again….”
How ’bout we say I am a straight man who would just like to meet a woman at all? Too often, discussion of dating assumes that everyone has ample opportunity to meet/find potential partners, when in fact, a lot of people are in (“Real Life”)situations where it is difficult to meet anyone at all.
That, I think, is one basic attraction of online “dating”, a way to find people who at least are in the “market” to meet.
Thank you for writing this! I wouldn’t call you old-fashioned, or maybe we both are, but as a woman in my mid-20s, similarly linked online as you are, I, too, long for face-to-face interactions, even while I pseudo-obsessively check my phone for texts and email for messages. Do you think we respond this way because we, as women, are not historically the ones pressured to ask potential romantic interests out? Men breath a sigh of relief while double-checking the spelling on an okcupid message, while women want to feel the first vibes in person?
That’s exactly why you respond this way. Being the one who gets to choose is much more enjoyable than being the one that gets to walk into the buzzsaw of harsh judgment time and time again. There is nothing enjoyable about psyching yourself up and feeling good about yourself only to then be told that you are an inferior specimen and completely unworthy.
Men choose which women to approach. Some women don’t get approached. That hurts just as bad, the feeling that no one wants you. Liked being picked last for a team x1000.
There is no oppression Olympics winner when it comes to matters of the heart ok.
Also, men cheat twice as much as women. What is worse? Being rejected by a stranger or betrayed by someone you love?
Your comparison is so invalid it’s laughable. Choosing who to approach and getting to point to a man who has initiated and give him the big thumbs down isn’t even REMOTELY similar. Also, the number of women who aren’t approached is almost nonexistent.
Men do not cheat twice as much as women. That is false. Even still, that is completely irrelevant to the discussion at hand.