Consider the goal that you have in mind when you choose someone for a romantic partnership. Do you go into the union intending to marry the person? Do you set a timeframe for how long you’d like it to last?
Probably not.
Perhaps we hope the relationship will become a legally binding commitment. But we often go into it aiming to grow closer to the person, get to know them better, and practice monogamy. However, we sometimes put needless pressure on the situation by setting a lofty end-goal for determining its success or failure.
Someone taught us at a young age to aspire to marriage.
Whether it was our parents, friends, society, religion, the songs we heard on the radio, or television shows and movies we watched — the example was set before us that the pursuit of holy matrimony is the only viable reason to romantically engage. So, this became our criteria for how fruitful courtship should unfold.
If a relationship doesn’t lead to us walking down the aisle, we believe it was futile.
We base the success and failure of our romantic partnerships on manufactured targets, like length of time and official agreements — instead of on merit, such as the level and potency of reciprocated honesty, support, and devotion. We don’t judge the union by the health and depths of our love, but how long and binding the commitment.
If you get what you need from a relationship and give of yourself in return, what exactly did you fail to achieve? Why would you deem the outcome tragedy instead of triumph? Even if you long to be a husband or wife, why are the people you meet and the bonds you form along the way considered botched encounters? Perhaps they’re lessons to serve as preparation for what you ultimately desire. Maybe these liaisons aren’t bumps in the road but meaningful stops along the journey to your preferred destination.
Actress Jill Marie Jones recounted a recent date she’d been on where the guy asked why none of her past relationships worked. When she asked why he assumed they didn’t work, his response alluded to the fact that she’d never been married.
I’ve been in situations similar to Jill’s, and you probably have as well. Because we tend to set or accept marriage as the goal. Everything else falls short.
Relationships work until they don’t.
Part of the journey is the end. Sometimes, the end comes sooner than we anticipate.
This understanding doesn’t make the reality of a split any easier to accept when feelings are involved. It may still hurt one or both parties. We often need a definitive reason to help us reconcile the development in our hearts — especially when the decision isn’t mutual. However, a more flexible perspective can better serve our recovery.
Just like you can be happy in a career until it’s no longer fulfilling, couples sometimes part before death. When you move on to a different job, you don’t say that you failed at the last one. You might simply express that while you enjoyed your years at a company, in a particular field, or living in a certain location, it was time to go.
People aren’t possessions to be picked up and disposed of at whim. Nor are we occupations and endeavors that don’t offer a guarantee on either side. But life itself makes no promises. Things don’t always go as we hope, as we plan, or even as we profess.
I believe in dating with intent once your desires become apparent.
If you wish to be married soon, you may not want to entertain anyone who says they aren’t ready for or don’t believe in the institution. Yet, if you date and don’t make it to the altar, it doesn’t mean that the person was a dud and your relationship flopped.
For me, the objective is for my relationships to be healthy, honest, and free. I aim to form only intimate entanglements that are true and thoughtful in matters of the heart. I want us to pour into one another. So that despite how long it lasts or how far it goes, no one is left empty.
I adore the idea of caring for someone so deeply that you pledge to spend your life with them. Yet, I won’t measure the quality and significance of my partners or partnerships against the concept. To love and be loved is triumph in itself. I don’t believe any formal agreement or breakup undermines the value of this feat.
If we set out only to cherish partners as we build and enjoy our time with them, we allow the union to become whatever it’s meant to be. Release the need to reach specific milestones for deeming the relationship a success. In doing so, you’ll also release yourself from the shame, blame, and lowered self-esteem of feeling like a failure if you don’t hit your self-imposed benchmarks.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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