We All Have Romantic Regrets, Here’s How To Avoid the Most Common Ones

Regrets and love go hand-in-hand. I have often wondered if I should have behaved differently or given a date another chance. But most of all, I regret not leaving my ex-boyfriend sooner. So, when you think about your love life, what do you regret?

Apparently, lost love is the biggest source of regret.

When we think of pop culture and the many films made about “the one that got away,” it’s worth looking into why we regret and how to avoid romantic regrets moving forward. I think we have the peculiarity to become nostalgic, especially when it comes to our love life. We think about the chances we didn’t get or how great our ex-partner was despite the problems. But why do we always catch ourselves drawing a rosier picture than what it really was?

Longing for the non-threatening past

When talking about regrets, nostalgia plays an important role since it functions like a beauty filter. We can’t change the past. Therefore, it’s not as threatening as the present or future, providing us a refuge (especially when we sweep some ugly truths under the rug).

Not convinced? Have you ever changed some details about your dating history? Have you ever intentionally forgot to mention a bad character trait from your ex-partner? There is nothing wrong with nostalgia. Quite on the contrary, research has shown it to be useful at times since it reduces loneliness, promotes a favorable self-image and a happy mood. It can also increase a sense of meaning in life by fostering a sense of social closeness. However, when it comes to romantic regrets, nostalgia can prove harmful. Here’s why.

Let’s be honest here: no matter how perfect someone is, we’re bound to mess up when it comes to love. Mixing past mistakes with an optimized view of the past will inadvertently leave us unsatisfied and unhappy. So if you don’t consciously deal with regrets, you will have to struggle with them again and again in the future. So what can you do if you want to clear up these feelings, and how do you avoid such situations occurring again in the future?

How to avoid romantic regrets

As with almost everything in love, it depends on how you feel and how you view and correctly assess situations from your gut and mind. For example, when people were asked their biggest regrets about their love life, they say things like not leaving sooner, thinking they could change a person, or not telling someone they liked/loved them.

We often judge situations differently in retrospect and usually have to admit that we didn’t dare to act on our feelings despite having the right gut feeling. In an attempt to find practical guidance on avoiding romantic regrets, Karl Pillemer Ph.D. interviewed 700 older people, asking them what their advice for younger people is to avoid regretting their actions regarding relationships, marriage, and love.

Turns out, paying attention to your intuition was on top of their list. According to elderly people, we should experience a feeling of the relationship “being right.” We should take “something feels off” very seriously. This can also include that we are not sure whether our partner is who he claims to be. Perhaps his values, although he claims to represent the same ones, are actually quite different?

This is also where the importance of family comes into play. Older people say quite clearly that we should let our partners into our lives and their families. This is relevant in mainly two ways: On the one hand, disputes in the family can have a negative impact on the relationship, and on the other hand, how different family members treat each other shows a lot about values and world views. I was able to experience this firsthand.

For example, I had to go to my ex-boyfriend’s mother repeatedly because she was constantly planning activities for her children. She lived her life based on her children, and it was out of the question to plan her own activities on the weekends. Therefore, I felt controlled and restricted. In addition, I felt that I was not enough, and I was always trying to please her by saying the right things and trying to dress according to her standards.

You can’t believe how relieved I was when I met my current boyfriend’s parents and was delighted to find that they were both very nice and super sweet. They always make me feel welcome, and it’s like coming home — something I immensely treasure.

This is why I always emphasize my gratitude and how much I have enjoyed spending time with them. Not saying something to someone we appreciate is the biggest source of regret. I take from this is to be nice, polite, and open about who you are, what you like, and who you want to be with. To me, it’s all about cherishing the people who want to join me on my life’s journey — and therefore, I must make sure that the people I love know that.

There is no right time, only your time

We have to be cautious about regret since it can be a strong source of negative emotions. By adding nostalgia, paired with sugar-coating the most painful aspects of the past, we set ourselves up for many heartaches.

It can make us feel like we’ve screwed up in life and are, therefore, no longer worthy of love, or that we deserve to be in an unhappy relationship, or that it’s okay that we mistaken compatibility for love. However, I argue that this view of love is self-destructive. What’s wrong with trying to be alone? Or, what’s wrong with being with someone that might not be the greatest love of all times but the best friend of all times?

To me, what it all boils down to is how you can live with your choices and how you can forgive yourself for not taking one or messing up in the love department. Regret, when handled correctly, may be beneficial. It makes us aware of our errors, as well as the less-than-ideal ways we’ve handled others and ourselves. It can help us forgive ourselves and — if not others — make peace with the past if we confront it honestly. It may also assist us in making future decisions.

Since we all fail from time to time, I don’t see any shame in it. But suppose it gets to the point where you don’t feel good at all and current, or future relationships might suffer based on regrets. In that case, it’s time to act and reevaluate yourself. For example, do you resent a former partner? Can you let these resentments go?

Sometimes, closure is much harder to get than it seems. However, I am certain that we all can have healing. Always.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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