Josie and Eli tackle the age-old question of what to do with your penis when you’re spooning.
Dear Sexes: Sorry to be blunt, but what do I do with my penis during spooning? I am single, and I date around. Although I know spooning is an after-sex thing for some people, for me it’s often a pre-cursor to foreplay. While I’m still trying to figure out how far the night will go for me and my date, and while we still have some clothes on, I’m never sure what to do with my penis in the spooning position. Am I supposed to tuck my penis, so as not to be presumptuous, or am I supposed to let it all hang out?
She Said: If you’re on a date and you’re spooning, you are allowed to get a boner, for heaven’s sake. I can’t see how anyone who invited you to a spoon-sesh would care if you had a little involuntary reaction to the situation. That being said, you don’t have to be jamming your business into her business before being expressly invited.
So, how do you know if there’s been an invitation for your business to join the party? She’ll lean into you, she’ll back it up, she may even give a little wiggle of her own. If she does this, you can reciprocate, but please follow the 20% Rule:
The 20% Rule: When hooking up with someone new, never increase the sexual intensity more than 20% above what your partner is already doing.*
So, for instance, if you’re kissing on a first date, and she’s kissing lips-only, you can introduce the suggestion of a tongue, but not a full tongue-throat-gagger. That would be a 40% increase, which is a 20% violation of the 20% Rule.** If you are kissing said woman on your first date, you should definitely not lean into her ear and say, “I just want to tie you to a table and f**k you.” This has happened to me (you know who you are!). There was no second date. That is a 120% increase, and obviously a 100% violation. Anything over a 50% violation of the rule is punishable by a near-mandatory ejection from the date.
In the case of spooning, take it slow, follow The 20% Rule, and your respectful spooning may be rewarded greatly … And no, I’m not about to make a “forking” joke. Though I really want to.
He Said: I was expecting you to ask what you do with your forearm during spooning—not THAT arm! This could be a sticky situation, but you can’t blame your penis for having a mind of its own. Normally, I wouldn’t suggest tucking your penis under any circumstance (it’s hard to keep a good man down)—but if you’re spooning with complete strangers, maybe you should mind your penile manners. You don’t want to be too presumptuous.
On the other hand, these strangers are spooning you right back, so it appears everyone is on the same page. In that case, an erection is nothing to be embarrassed about. If anything, your date will take your “excitement” as a cue that you’re having fun, and perhaps ready to move things along. If your date isn’t quite as ready as you, they may just ignore your erection, and keep cuddling. If they’re super surprised or offended, they may let you know, but really, how offended can they be?! I’m not saying that spooning has to lead to sex (and you shouldn’t assume that either), but if your date is gonna put their ass up against your crotch, they should take it as a compliment if you and your little buddy do get excited.
If it was me, I’d be more offended if we were spooning, and you DIDN’T get excited. And if you’re spooning on first dates, you should be able to roll with the enthusiasm that comes along with such activities.
We here at She Said He Said encourage the proper use of utensils. Spoon on!
*There is no official 20% Rule—Josie just made that up right now.
**My math is completely wrong. But this way makes more sense!
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Originally published at SheSaidHeSaid.