‘Why do I love you?’
… I would ask as we were brushing our teeth together.
I wasn’t asking him. I was sending it out into the universe.
I have no expectation that we, as humans, can understand the true depth of love.
We can try and outline its shadow, yes.
We may infer what it feels like from films and novels.
We may briefly brush against its surface through sensuality.
We may even merge lives in its name.
And we still wouldn’t understand love.
* * *
‘Why do I love you?’
He mimicked my frequent use of the question when we playfully exchanged personalities on a rainy Saturday.
I heard the absurdity in my own inquiry.
Yet I tried to answer.
Why do I love you?
Kindness, enthusiasm, energy, connection, listening, innovation, curiosity, creativity, playfulness, rebellion, intelligence.
And many other things which, if listed with bullet points, would keep you scrolling for days.
Why do I love you?
Let’s look at sacred texts. Love is the foundation of life. We are made to love. Who am I to deny my nature?
Why do I love you?
Is there such a thing as soulmates? Serendipity? A butterfly-effect of events that led us to meet? Why do I love you?
Maybe it’s part compatibility and part blessing. The things we can explain, and the things we can’t, intertwine.
Why do I love you?
I love you because I can’t stop loving you. A reality defined by the absence of its counter-reality.
Why do I love you?
I allow myself to. I offer myself up to the chaos, the uncertainty, the bliss, the attachment, the infatuation, the peace, the fear of loss, the possibility of an end.
The floodgates are open and I choose not to shut them.
Why do I love you?
I love you because I love you.
I am plopping love into the same category of such ethereal stuff as time, space, creativity and imaginary numbers.
There is no beginning and no end. Therefore, in theoretical terms, I both love you and do not love you.
You are my Schrödinger’s love cat.
Why do I love you?
I don’t know. Do I need to know why in order to love you?
* * *
It turned out, I didn’t need to. I loved anyway.
So why my obsession with the why?
Well, I’m hoping that, if I understand why we love, I could begin to unravel why we stop loving.
* * *
“For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.”
– Kahlil Gibran
Had I less ego, I would have asked the negative just as petulantly as the affirmative.
‘Why did you stop loving me?’
Alas, the comfort of my own suspicions, and the denial with which they were met, made the question superfluous.
He had as much of a clue as I did.
So, now that we’re over, I wonder:
If I fall in love again, will that love break again?
* * *
May I just say, that is not a very attractive proposition.
I mean, if it were a sales pitch, it would go a little like this…
Live a happier life with Love. You will experience increased dopamine and a heightened understanding of love songs. However, we can’t guarantee it won’t break, as we have no control over the manufacturing or delivery.
I don’t know why we fall for it, to be honest.
* * *
‘Why did you stop loving me?’
Lack of interest, distance, diverging identities, misaligned beliefs, other lovers, lack of empathy, emotional shutdown, emotional outburst, miscommunication, undercommunication.
A universe of reasons competing for an answer.
But no clear resolution.
It’s settled, then.
I lay my sanity into the lap of fate.
If love appears as if by magic, no beginning and no end, then surely it flows away in the same way.
You both love me and don’t love me.
You don’t need to know why you stopped loving me in order to stop loving me.
You don’t love me because you don’t love me.
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Previously published on “Hello, Love”, a Medium publication.
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Photo credit: Lisheng Chang on Unsplash