“Dating is so frustrating.”
My roommate and I sigh over a glass of mojito or gin and tonic every night. We meet girls but aren’t sure whether we like them enough to commit, or worse, if we dislike them enough to forfeit — something is better than nothing, right?
Some girls look good but lack a personality. Some are interesting, but their look doesn’t grab our attention. Sometimes, they possess one irresistible trait that covers many other areas of deficiencies. Unfortunately, that’s the only thing they offer.
But to embody all of the aspects we want? Almost never. If there’s such a person out there, we surely won’t be the only ones lined up. Not to mention how unlikely they’ll reciprocate the same feelings. I guess that’s where polyamory comes in, but that’s a whole other conversation.
The latter is much harder because it involves guilt. You feel like you’re flirting with someone out of loneliness, therefore, using them. You know you should stop before they fall too deep. You fear karma catching up. Yet, you’re also afraid of going through a drought before finding a truly suitable partner. Sometimes, what really terrifies you is catching feelings yourself — with a person you don’t deem a good fit.
Or, you fool yourself into believing that you like them more than you actually do, convincing yourself that they treat you really well and that they’re worth a shot. Who knows? Maybe something will spark within you one day.
Sigh.
You may also continually elevate yourself to expand your options. I suppose that’s a viable alternative. But the thing about human beings is that the better we become, the higher quality we crave.
Or, you toy with them thinking you can get away with it or you’re looking to test the limits. The thing is, breadcrumbing is another form of neediness. You mislead them into thinking they’ve got a real chance with you because you’ve either been in the same shoes before, and you want to redeem your worth by taking the power position instead of the victim role this time. Or, you have low self-esteem. The less love you have in your life, the less love you give.
What to do?
If you don’t want to be with them and you can’t afford to lose them, try to communicate and see if they’re willing to maintain a different type of relationship with you, whether that’s ambiguous friends, FWB, or platonic opposite-sex friends. Because risking hurting other’s emotions to satisfy your own is not self-love, it’s just selfish.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Agni B on Unsplash