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Let’s be honest, families are difficult. They’re dysfunctional, sometimes unpredictable, full of love and at the same time, drama. We go to our families for support, advice, and guidance to help us navigate life. However, each dynamic is different, and some family dynamics have a specific way of functioning. If one goes against that dynamic, they may be faced with resistance.
For many of us, being “woke” is a lifestyle, and in times where we may need support the most, we may not get it. Many seek to obtain this support from their families. For some of us, we receive it unconditionally. But for others, it’s an unexpected uphill battle comprised of countless arguments, debates, and misunderstandings. Black Lives Matter, Women’s Rights, Trans Visibility, and other topics may not be easy, but they are still important to discuss, especially with our families.
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I’m Black. Proud as hell of it, and so is my family. I start with what can create comfort.
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Granted, these conversations may not come up at the family BBQ, the holiday picnic, or the summer family reunion, but nonetheless, it’s always a question of when is the best time to talk about these issues with people we deem closest to us. From what I’ve learned, witnessed, and experienced, these are some conclusions I’ve come to when having these conversations.
I’m Black. Proud as hell of it, and so is my family. I start with what can create comfort. Any discussion about Black Lives Matter with my family is as easy as pie, because when it comes to our culture, that is our common ground where we all, luckily enough, can see eye to eye. The racialized profiling, the police brutality, the systemic barriers of powers, privilege, and oppression, the undervaluing of the Black woman, and so many other issues affecting the Black community are conversations we can have no matter what. So if you don’t know where to start, start with creating space, and creating comfort.
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Neutrality is an unfortunate technique performed out of convenience and comfort, i.e. if I don’t pick a side, I can’t offend or hurt anyone.
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Intersectionality is what causes the discomfort. When it comes to socioeconomic status, some people in my family are low-class, some are working class, and some are on the threshold of middle-class. Add religion to the mix. In my family alone, we have agnostic, atheist, Jehovah’s Witness, Muslim, Rastafarian, and Baptist Christian. Now add sexuality. We have heterosexual, lesbian, gay, and bisexual represented. Even though all of these different identities are represented, they create the most resistance, confusion, and silence. It shouldn’t have to be like this.
These conversations are not easy, and for me, it’s all about strategy and timing. Some family members like having the conversations one-on-one. Great, one-on-one conversations can create an opportunity to build more comfort and trust. However, ending the conversation with challenging them to speak about these topics more openly is key. For the folks that don’t mind conversations in a group setting, sometimes a Socratic method may help guide these kinds of conversations. Simply asking questions while everyone else answers them and contributes something of substance to the conversation is progress.
Something families, as well as people in general, will try to resort to is neutrality. Neutrality is an unfortunate technique performed out of convenience and comfort, i.e. if I don’t pick a side, I can’t offend or hurt anyone.
Desmond Tutu once said, “If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.”
Our families cannot be the exception to these words. Acts of holistic injustice are being performed every single day, and neutrality is not going to make these acts stop. Iyanla Vanzant said, “When you call a thing a thing it is not necessary for others to agree with what you call it. Some can’t see it. Others see it and lie.”
Our families cannot afford to lie to us, or themselves, which is why having these conversations is crucial. It is important to acknowledge and call out acts of injustice. For if we don’t call them out, and instead make special exceptions and think it’s okay for certain people to stay silent, we are only contributing to the problem, not the solution.
