In 1978 John Irving published The World According to Garp. In this work of fiction, Garp’s mother, Jenny decides to have a child without a husband and after publishing her autobiography feminists idealize her as a woman who does not depend on a man. She works with the Ellen Jamesians, a group of women named after an eleven-year-old girl whose tongue was cut off by her rapists to silence her. The members of the group cut off their own tongues in support of the girl. This is an extreme fictional portrayal of one form of feminism in which women reject men and identify with the victim thereby victimizing themselves. I was educated on another alternative view of feminism.
“Free To Be You and Me” was not a message to girls by women, but to children by adults who wanted to reframe the narrative and change society.
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I am a child of the seventies, raised by an activist yet modest mother and heavily influenced by the Ms. Foundation for Women’s 1972 “Free to Be You and Me” in which The Ms. Foundation very wisely pushed the feminist movement not to be about women, but about gender neutrality. “Free to Be You and Me” shattered multiple stereotypes and reinforced many boy’s feelings that it’s OK to cry, have a doll, and wear an apron. “Free To Be You and Me” was not a message to girls by women, but to children by adults who wanted to reframe the narrative and change society.
When NFL legend Rosey Grier plays guitar and sings It’s Alright to Cry saying “I know some big boys who cry too” it is a very sophisticated message which is much more likely to engage men and change society than extreme feminists who exclude men or makes demands of them. It also creates an alternative vision of what a man can be to women and girls who have had men in their lives who have damaged them.
Exclusion is a poor choice when trying to effect change, especially if we are trying to empower a weak segment of the dominant society. The feminist movement was in a transformation in the mid 1980s when I was a student at Columbia University. Women had just been admitted to Columbia College for the first time in 1983 after 300 years. As Barnard came up on its 100th anniversary, it was still very much a women’s only college. However, Columbia students were allowed to take (some) courses there and in fact I was on Barnard’s campus at least as much as I was on Columbia’s if not more.
This is when I was first called a feminist. A female graduate student who was the teacher’s assistant in a history class I was taking had written “Good Feminist Critique” on one of my papers. I didn’t know a man could be a feminist. It was transformative and I was published in Barnard’s feminist journal. Not everyone at Barnard agreed that a man should be able to publish in the feminist journal and it caused a campus controversy.
The transformation to include men in the women’s movement also took place within the “Take Back The Night” events. Originally, these events were meant to speak out against violence against women and raise community awareness. Some organizers still feel that these events are meant to create a “safe space” for women and for them this means the exclusion of men, even men who are transgender or victims of sexual assault. Other events not only include men, but feature men and men’s groups in the narrative including their stories of sexual abuse.
I marched not as a man, not as a feminist, but as a member of Israeli society because all people in my society deserve to be safe.
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Today, the official mission of “Take Back the Night” has grown to encompass all forms of violence against all persons, though sexual violence against women is still the top focus. Beyond this, “Night” has evolved beyond the literal meaning to also represent fear so that such elements of the struggle as domestic violence are included.
In Israel where I have lived since 1990, “Take Back the Night” was transformed in 2009 when it took place right after the worst attack on homosexuals in Israel up to that time when a gunman opened fire at a gay nightclub in Tel Aviv injuring 10 people and killing two. About ten years earlier, I marched in the first “Take Back the Night” in Tel Aviv. I did not march to negate a safe space for women. I marched not as a man, not as a feminist, but as a member of Israeli society because all people in my society deserve to be safe.
Similarly, this year, the Jerusalem Pride Parade was transformed after last year’s murder of a 16-year old straight girl. This year 25,000 people showed up and many, if not most, were straight supporters of the cause. There were noticeably more people wearing religious head-coverings than ever before. I had attended the first Jerusalem Pride Parade in 2002 so this, like “Take Back the Night” was not new to me as a religious heterosexual man, but it was noticeable and refreshing to feel the air of inclusiveness which I believe to be the maturity of the movement organizing such events as they recognize that they are not alone in a struggle which is not theirs, but ours.
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Photo: Getty Images
Exclusion is a poor choice when trying to effect change, especially if we are trying to empower a weak segment of the dominant society. I find that exclusion is not only a poor choice but it is also a counterintuitive measure to implement. Excluding people based on not being a part of the “in group” leads to stereotypes and false conclusions about those that are excluded. Look at how advocacy for sexual assault, rape, and dv has been shaped over the last 3 or 4 decades thanks largely to excluding men. We are just now getting to the point where… Read more »
Agreed @Danny – The problem is greater than inclusion/exclusion. It is framing the issue as affecting one segment of the society when it is a societal issue. As you say, this creates false stereotypes and I would even go farther and say it creates misinformation because, as you say, it creates policy which addresses only one aspect of the problem excluding and creating the illusion that other aspects do not exist. Your example is great. Just think how many boys have been sexually assaulted, but because they have no voice and their inclination is to feel isolated and alone, we… Read more »
As you say, this creates false stereotypes and I would even go farther and say it creates misinformation because, as you say, it creates policy which addresses only one aspect of the problem excluding and creating the illusion that other aspects do not exist. Yes. Just look at the Duluth Model and the Violence Against Women Act. The Duluth Model at best properly breaks down one specific type of domestic violence but look at how its been blanketly applied to all dv for decades. And as a result we just now getting around to recognizing any dv that doesn’t fall… Read more »
Well, when we begin to allow men into the many women’s colleges, women’s clubs that discriminate against them, when we address female rape on males, female abuse of males, domestic violence against males in this country, then we will be taking back the night. Until then we are just taking the night away. Sorry, that sounds negative, but welcome to the world of men dealing with feminist dominance. It is that very sexism, that very exclusion that allows the facade to continue. That is the folly of 3rd stage feminism…and that is why the average man will not participate. Guys… Read more »
Wow DJ, I hear you. Lately I have been struggling with some of the women in my life being overly dominant and “standing up” to men who, frankly, were just at the wrong place at the wrong time and bore the brunt of triggered responses from old wounds. Why I applaud empowered women, too much of a good thing is not good just as the best defence is offence and I agree with you that at times, the 3rd stage of feminism can be offensive. HOWEVER, 1) There is a legitimate place for girls clubs, colleges, etc., just as there… Read more »