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Dear Tom Brady,
My husband is a huge fan of yours, because…sports or something. I think you play baseball for the Boston Celtics, you wear a lot of rings, and you’re a goat. Something like that. What do you want from me? I grew up a little Orthodox Jewish girl from the Lower East Side. My sport was trying to stay on my bike.
The only thing I know less about than sports is your relationship with Gisele Bündchen. I mean, other than that you’re married and stuff. I’ve had plenty of celebrity patients, but you guys were never one of them.
The point being I can’t, and won’t, comment on your relationship. Or on you as a husband. I hope you’re as good a husband as you are a back, or a front, or whatever it is you are. And I loved hearing about how supportive you are of your niece who plays softball for UCLA right near me.
It’s just that it was hard for normal folks to miss the People magazine headline a few days ago:
Tom Brady Says He Tried to ‘Change the Subject’ When Wife Gisele Bündchen Brought Up His Retirement
I’m sure this was all cute and adorable and you and Gisele were laughing and pouring beer and Gatorade over each other’s heads the whole time. I certainly hope so. Cause beautiful people deserve beautiful relationships. As do even non-beautiful people.
In my work, I see behind the bright shiny surface of things. And while I hope that behind the bright shiny surface of your life with Gisele is a bright shiny depth, I know that’s not the case for so many people.
I know that a little phrase like “tried to ‘change the subject’” is not just a piece of popcorn in millions of relationships. Men and women put out their needs all the time and their partners take the discussion of those needs off the table using a hundred and one power moves, of which “trying to ‘change the subject’” is just one, that can, IRL, be painful, even heartbreaking and that can threaten the survival of a marriage.
Let’s say it’s not Tom and Gisele, but Pom and Fisele that we’re talking about. Fisele has put in many years being married to a man who’s absolutely devoted to being good at playing his game. Sometimes he’s home, sometimes not. But the focus is always on the next game, the next season. Not knowing anything about Gisele, I can say that it’s possible that Fisele might like to be more of a priority in Pom’s life. And maybe have him retire before he hurts himself…you know, like me falling off my bike.
It might be that Pom retiring is a really big deal for Fisele.
Pom can get away all too easily with not wanting to talk about it. It’s an old male-fragility ploy that has been surprisingly effective over the centuries. “I’m too tired, stressed out, busy, pre-occupied, burned out to talk about it now. Let’s go on vacation and we can talk about it then, except then I won’t want to talk about it then because it’ll spoil my relaxation.”
Fisele gets the right to seethe but doesn’t get a say. Until one-day Pom brandishes his crutch and says, “Hey, ya know, I think this’d be a good time to retire.” Like it was his idea all along.
“What are you planning to do with yourself after you stop playing?” Fisele asks.
“Oh, I don’t want to talk about that now,” Pom says.
Of course, I don’t know what you would say, Tom.
The Fiseles of the world do this just as often as the Poms. It’s not a gender thing. It’s about the way all of us are threatened by the potential our partner’s needs have to make our life uncomfortable or turn it upside down.
And besides “trying to change the subject,” there are countless ways of taking a discussion of a partner’s needs off the table. Power moves like:
- “Can we talk about this later?” But it’s a “later” that never comes.
- “You know how upset I get whenever we talk about…!”
- “There you go again, harping on… When are you going to let it go?”
- “We’ve talked about it! I said no! We’re done talking about it.”
- “I really think your therapist is the person you need to talk to about this need of yours.”
- “Sure, let’s talk about it!” And then having an inconclusive, go-nowhere discussion.
- “I know what you want! But I can’t do it. Don’t you see? I’m just not capable of giving you that.” (Of course, this could be true. But too often it really just means, “This would be inconvenient for me, and I don’t want to talk about it, because that would reveal how my being inconvenienced is the obstacle here.”)
Trying to change the subject is not nothing. It’s a power move. It may be a negligible one for one couple at one moment. For another couple, it may be yet another brick in a wall that’s been building for years, fueling rage on both sides.
All power moves are like this about anything. They can seem negligible. But they can be hurtful and destructive. And in general, they ARE hurtful and destructive.
If Fisele says to Pom, “Oh, that’s ridiculous!” when Pom does mention his thoughts on retirement, maybe that’s water off a duck’s back, but years of her saying that, combined with a pattern of similar comments, can add up to a pattern of disqualification: “You have nothing worthwhile to add to this or any discussion.”
So, Tom, I’m sure you and Gisele have had many illuminating and productive talks about your retirement. Talks where you both felt heard and understood, and where your needs felt validated.
Whatever your issues are, you can put off an important discussion to a better day and time. But I hope you will make time soon to give each other a respectful and thorough hearing about what you need and why it’s important to you. That’s the beginning of the end of the power dynamics in your relationship and the moment when your needs will truly start getting met.
And Tom, whatever that sport it is you play, I hope you will continue to have fun playing it out in the sun with your friends and everything, one way or another. And my husband Charles says “Hey.”
Warmly,
Mira
PS: And Tom, maybe get ahold of our new book Why Couples Fight and leave a really good review of it on Amazon, yes? The sports world would go nuts, and my husband would never be the same.
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This content is brought to you by Mira Kirshenbaum.
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