Kevin insulted Ryan, but he eventually came back to help create some more courthouse-inspired magic.
Ryan O’Hanlon: Hi, Kevin. How are you?
Kevin Lincoln: I’m swell. The Franklin and Bash Twitter said something today about how to tell if you’re a Franklin or a Bash. Or how there’s only one Franklin and a million Bashs. Or something. I was confused.
Ryan: I’ve always thought that we were all Franklin and we were all Bash. Franklin and Bash are fractured men. But together, they create humanity.
Kevin: Like yin and yang. Jekyll and Hyde. Sacco and Vanzetti. Anyway, I just checked the F&B Twitter and realized they said nothing of the sort. My mistake, apologies to involved. But what I am sure of: this episode is directed by Fred Savage AND features Jason Alexander.
Kevin: I’m giddy.
Ryan: The name Fred Savage makes me think of Boy Meets World. Is that a right thing to think? Or does my brain need a check up?
Kevin: No, I think your brain is right on target. Seinfeld vs. Boy Meets World: I can think of a lot of people who would probably choose the latter over the former, but hopefully they won’t admit this to me, because I might never speak to them again.
Ryan: …
Kevin: Sorry if I’ve offended you.
Kevin: I didn’t mean it.
Kevin: Please come back.
Kevin: 🙁
Ryan: OK, Malcolm McDowell shot! I’m back! Let’s do this! And we open with Jason Alexander roller-skating into the law firm with a tall, bikini-ed, blonde model in tow. If JA wasn’t wearing wrist guards, I would’ve quit the show.
Kevin: That would be unsafe. Also, in the opening scene of this show, they actually label a woman to use her body as advertising. That’s such a literal example of misogyny it parodies itself.
Ryan: I think “misogynistic” comes in the character description of every character Jason Alexander has ever played. Then again, I only know he was in Seinfeld and Shallow Hall.
Kevin: Point to Ryan! This is true. Well, it looks like Art Vanderlay over here says he’s on his roller-skating deathbed and he needs the Franklinbashinator to liquidate his assets. This seems like a recipe for excess, which is good, because that’s what this show thrives on, unlike the uncharacteristic restraint of last show.
Ryan: This is the planking episode!
Kevin: OH MY GOD SERIOUSLY?
Ryan: First roller-skating, then motorcycling gear, Jason Alexander WILL plank in this episode.
Kevin: God willing. Also, I’d like to point out that the intense man who accused Art of stealing his yacht played a role in David Lynch’s Mulholland Drive. I’m fairly confident that he is the only person to ever feature in both a David Lynch film and Franklin and Bash.
Ryan: He was also Jimmy Barrett in Mad Men. It’s not The Wire, but I think that makes me pretty cool for knowing that. Right?
Kevin: Very cool, and you’re absolutely right. Also, I’ll take Mad Men over The Wire. Bill Simmons and Jay Whitlock, don’t you think I’m kidding.
Ryan: Jay? Are you guys “fam?”
Kevin: From way back.
Kevin: I’ve been meaning to tweet the Jason Whitlock diss on the new Killer Mike album for a while now, but still haven’t gotten around to it.
Ryan: I don’t know what any of that means, but I can’t wait!
Ryan: And now it looks like the douchey lawyer and the strong lady lawyer—formerly an interracial couple, I think—are trying to steal Pindar away from the Bros, so they can secure an Indian client. Pindar is Indian. What isn’t racism here?
Kevin: It’s not racism! It’s community! Also, racism.
Kevin: I’m still not entirely sure what Pindar’s role is. Is he just a token IT guy?
Ryan: I’m pretty sure he is the smartest person in the world; he just suffers from an intense case of agoraphobia. So, it shows that technology, while often opening boundaries, can close some, too. Plus, an Indian being shackled by the limitations of electronics is some kind of perverted commentary, too. There’s something really deep here. There HAS to be.
Kevin: They’re gonna hold you on $10-million bail until you figure it out, like Art. Actually, no, no bail! This is some legal hardball the likes of which us Franklin and Bashters have yet to see.
Kevin: Oh I would bet someone’s $10 million bail that when we get back from commercial break we find out that there is no pancreas illness.
Ryan: I don’t gamble. But yes. It looks like the producers are catching on to some of the more basic television process techniques. That’s our first mid-episode cliffhanger, isn’t it?
Kevin: I think so. I’m telling you, this Fred Savage guy, he knows directing.
Ryan: Christopher Nolan has a brother. And so does Fred. So, I’m gonna make that comparison.
Kevin: Bold film criticism right there. And bingo! Art Vanderlay lives to see another day. Too bad he’s in jail. A mistaken diagnosis imprisons another balding magnate.
Ryan: And another Indian person who is freaked out by doing normal things! What is going on? Oh, and Bash just dropped this wisdom: “Men who text only want sex.”
Kevin: We’re gonna need more T-shirts.
Ryan: Maybe we could put the text in one of those iPhone bubbles. People would think about buying that.
Kevin: All potential investors: you know how to contact us.
Kevin: Franklin and Bash just got shut down in the courtroom. If Franklin and Bash aren’t getting shut down in a courtroom around the middle of the episode, than this isn’t Franklin and Bash.
Ryan: Wow. Jason Alexander, whose jail outfit is a gorgeous Canadian tuxedo and who’s on the hook for like three-million years in jail, just threatened to turn in Franklin and Bash as accessories to his crimes. Good old Wall Street motivation! He also called them “pussies.” More good old Wall Street motivation!
Kevin: Oliver Stone called. He’s FEELING this episode. Also, new rule: I’m calling them the Franklin and Bash from now on.
Ryan: That’s a really good idea. Italicization ’bout to get crazy up in here!
Kevin: Throwing articles around like they’re beers in the courtroom. This financial intrigue is getting pretty intricate. Also, sweet sneakers on Stills, and sweet vest on the Franklin.
Kevin: Never mind, those aren’t sneakers.
Ryan: You know, that beer simile would’ve made sense two episodes ago. Now, it really doesn’t apply. The past two shows have been unabashedly dry. What gives?
Kevin: I know. More tea than alcohol. And toenail-clipping art ruins Pindar’s budding romance. F&B‘s becoming quite the downer.
Ryan: Although, I have never seen someone use a radar gun to measure dart throws. So that’s something.
Kevin: It’s true. And surprise! Also, why are they going to go to jail if they lose the case?
Ryan: I think it’s because they knew about George’s crimes before he committed them. Or, at least, that’s what the little weasel says. If they lose the case, he tells the judge. He still goes to jail, but the idiot lawyers suffer, too. Wall Street sucks.
Kevin: Oh, duplicitous. This character and George have a lot in common. Question: whose commentary on Wall Street is more sophisticated, Franklin and Bash’s or Matt Taibbi’s? Just kidding Matt!
Ryan: Total facial!
Ryan: But back to that Jason Alexander point. He plays the same character in everything basically, I’m assuming. Do you think that makes his real personality more like his character? I like to assume he’s the same person in real life. It lets me sleep at night.
Kevin: It’s funny, because most of his characters’ quirks are written off on how he looks, so one would imagine that is how he is. But I once watched this show he was on briefly called Listen Up!, where he played a Tony Kornheiser doppelganger, and he was pretty pleasant then, if I’m not mistaken.
Ryan: The term “Tony Kornheiser doppelganger” scares me. I don’t want to live in a world with Kornheiser doppelgangers.
Kevin: Neither do I, now that I think of it. So, Franklin and Bash make like the Black Sox and throw the game right here. Is this maybe the solution to our economic crisis? All defense attorneys throw themselves onto the funeral pyres of those they’re representing?
Ryan: It’s not like our legal system can get any worse. Am I right? Too soon? But I like this new approach. You just attack your own client and try to make him look guilty. This is the legal equivalent of shot-gunning a beer in court, is it not? Symmetry!
Kevin: They both seem to work!
Kevin: Or not work?
Kevin: I’m unsure as to what’s going on here.
Kevin: This is getting intense.
Ryan: I think they just convinced Jason Alexander to go to Haiti for two years. You can’t double-cross a double-crosser.
Ryan: Fool me once? Shame on me. Fool me twice? Shame on you.
Kevin: Is this really how the legal system works?
Kevin: “Did you know I won the pub cup in ’86? I AM THE MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD.”
Ryan: You need to pull back a bit and take a wider view. The show shows that you can do anything in court and you will still win. This is either a propaganda film for the US legal system, a total indictment of the legal system, or the greatest TV show of all time.
Kevin: It is subversive. And as if in answer to our prayers, they busted out a couple of MGDs to celebrate at the end there. Whattatown!
Kevin: Leave us with a parting thought as we gird ourselves for Franklin vs. Bash next week.
Ryan: We were just set up for a spin-off show where Jason Alexander tries to survive two years of community service down in Haiti. This is bad.
Kevin: That would be good! Make it happen, TNT. We’ll need something to watch while the owners sit on their hands.
Ryan: I’d rather watch Donald Sterling sit on his hands than Jason Alexander do anything in Haiti other than not be on a TV show.
Kevin: May you get your wish.
Ryan O’Hanlon is the sports editor for the Good Men Project. He used to play soccer and go to college. He’s still trying to get over it. You can follow him on Twitter @rwohan.
Kevin Lincoln is a staff writer for the Good Men Project; you can follow him on Twitter and Tumblr. He likes hip-hop, postmodernists, and good writing about sports.
—Photo via TheVoiceofTV.com
Fred Savage is from the Wonder Years. You are thinking of Ben Savage…who did not direct Franklin and Bash.