According to Torey Strahl, not all athletes are created equal.
Dear men,
You might not know, but we women have preferences. A lot of preferences. We’re rather picky about many things—the color of your eyes and the way your shirt brings them out, your parents’ religious background and the degree to which you adhere to those beliefs, what beer you drink (please, not Blue Moon), what music you listen to (please, not Creed), and your favorite dish (anything but tuna casserole).
You probably know that when it comes to men, we love athletes. We love how they look (especially in the abdominal region), how they smell (can’t get enough of that musk), and, of course, how they work their bodies in various physical acts. Good posture, strong hands, confident smile—we love it all.
Even though, generally speaking, we do love athletes, we’re still picky about what sports our guys play. In all honesty, we judge you based on your sports of choice. For instance, hockey players are promiscuous 26-year-olds stuck in college, snowboarders don’t bathe, and cross country runners are the theatre kids of sports. These are, of course, gross generalizations, but they are stereotypes which, unfortunately, permeate the female psyche, and which I (as GMP’s resident female) have the duty to report candidly to you. Here are some more preconceived notions women have of various male athletes:
Golf
He’s either going to cheat on me with prostitutes or wear a visor. And I’m not sure which is worse.
Football
Quarterback: What a stud. And he must be smart, too, to remember all those plays. I think I just found a sperm donor.
Defensive End or Tight End: Well, sure, he’s buff—but he’s probably too dumb to read the scoreboard.
(No, most of us don’t realize that they know all the plays, too. With women, much like an AFC East team, the QB gets all the credit.)
Swimming
Great bod, but I can’t respect a man in a Speedo.
Lacrosse
If there is a heaven, it’s devoid of lax brahs. And what’s with the belly-jersey?
Basketball
Point Guard: He seems kind of bossy on the court. I hope he’s not that way in the boudoir.
Center: I’ll have to buy some new heels.
Power Forward: That’s a big dude. He must play football.
Baseball
Pitcher: This guy likes attention a little too much for my liking.
Catcher: I can’t wait to put those quads to work.
Shortstop: What’s with all the spitting and scratching? Is this baseball or the side-effects of scurvy?
Most girls love football, basketball, and baseball players, but my top three types of athletes are 1) hockey, 2) soccer, and 3) tennis. My reasoning? 1) Flow that won’t quit 2) calves for days 3) fancy boys in a backwards hats! (They’re so fancy.) You might think those are a bit out of left field, but would you say no to Rafa? I didn’t think so.
I hope I’ve enlightened you a bit on the athletic preferences of the gentler sex. If nothing else, I’ve probably put an unwanted image of Cristiano Ronaldo in your head.
—Photo albany_tim/Flickr
Wow. This bitch is trying wayyyy too hard. I would love to clown on her over drinks! Her choice of words makes her sound like she thinks she is above others. Keep making your 70k hun 🙂
You gotta love it when an entertaining, tongue-in-cheek article gets picked apart, analyzed and lambasted by people who’ve missed the whole point. Torey, good writing and an amusing article. It got some smiles and chuckles from me. Keep it up!
As an independent woman who works as in the sports industry, following professional teams across the country, I am astounded at some of these comments. I’m really getting a kick out of some of these guys who think that Blue Moon isn’t so bad and that Torey isn’t funny. In fact they are wrong. Torey is hilarious. She’s funnier than Will Ferrel and Carlos Mencia and he name doesn’t even sound Mexican. I love you Torey, keep writing these great articles, I laughed my face off.
Hey Been, I totally agree with you. Torey is probably the best female sports writer ever. She will revolutionize the world with her great insights. Who knew that catchers had such great quads!? ~LOL~
Her dry wit, writing ability, and great content are wAyYyYYyYy better than all those other jerk sports columnists!!!!!! Torey for PREZ.
This is the first time I have read an article on GMP and felt like I wasted my time. High-quality problem, I suppose. 🙂
Here is a stereotype: Hot girls aren’t funny. How do you like them apples, Ms. Stahl?
Seriously though. I’m not going to down on ANY guy who has the stamina, ability, and determination to become an athlete.
That being said…. Soccer guys thighs are to die for… I go to the pool SOLELY to ogle the speedo set…but martial arts guys are the all around package of fitness, badassness, and inner quietude.
I don’t recognize any of these stereotypes though I do stereotype athletes (almost exclusively negatively)
Soccer
Star striker: This guy is gonna rob you of your wax.
Well, to be fair at least Blue Moon has flavor, period. Bud Light/Miller/etc. are all utterly tasteless.
Still, it’s much better if a guy can recognize my favorite beer and brewery (NOT Coors/Blue Moon). (:
Woot! Some love for the soccer blokes! Tired of all these Baseball/Basketball and well, the QB’s getting all the athletic love.
Are you kidding me with this? Please don’t pretend to speak for all women – this is just embarrassing. Maybe you make broad generalizations based on only the most basic understanding of sports, but most of us don’t. And most of us realize that a person’s specific athletic talents are a quirk of nature, athletes don’t choose their uniforms, and those things have nothing to do with his personality.
I actually found this enjoyable and amusing. Stereotypes, if nothing else, are fun. I certainly have some stereotypes coming to mind of what commenter “Jude” might be like…and they’re fun as well. Keep up the good work.
Stereotypes are only fun if they’re funny. If you can’t write them with humor (which she didn’t), you come off as an ignorant, self-righteous tool (as other posters have noted). If you want to go watch Carlos Mencia do the same Mexican joke over and over again, be my guest–but don’t claim to be an authority on humor.
I usually keep to myself when I see something I don’t enjoy, but this article was just too over the top with its obnoxiousness. Good luck with your stereotypes bud–I’m sure you have me all figured out.
I don’t claim to be Dickens, and I don’t think you should be so sanctimonious in your posts. I think you’re missing the point of this article. It’s not going to inspire intelligent thought, but if a reader knows any jersey-chasers or jocks, maybe it made him or her smile. If not, no worries, but there’s no need for anonymous, malicious diatribes against someone you don’t know. Elizabeth doesn’t agree with the premise or find the piece humorous, either; but at least she presented a valid argument instead of spewing spiteful logorrhoea. Personal digs such as “self-righteous tool” are not… Read more »
As a writer, I’m going to give you some advice. First off, people are mean on the internet — get over it. Don’t try to change their opinions on your writing in the comments section. This article was an attempt at humor that got about halfway there in effectiveness; it reminded me of was the sports bros you’re trying to mock, and how they think they’re funny because they can quote Will Ferrell movies. I really want this next part to sink in if you want to be a writer. STOP TRYING TO SOUND SMART. You sound smart. But words… Read more »
Oh, do stop whining. If you can’t act like a professional, do something else besides writing. The comments section is for readers, not for writers to argue about why their “humour” is funny. If it was really funny, you wouldn’t need to keep insisting it was funny.
I was actually making a general statement about writing, not a personal attack. I think your lack of reading comprehension might indicate why you’re such a poor writer. Take a breathe and overcome your insecurities. Your word choice is over the top. You write like you just read a vocabulary book and want to express your ability to memorize uncommon words. Listen, I’m proud that you can use a thesaurus, but it doesn’t make you a good writer. Thank you for reinforcing my criticisms. My issue with you is as follows: you perpetuate a society of idiots. If people stopped… Read more »
I wish they sold nips of bleach so I could purge myself of the purgatory that is this “article.” This is something that could be written by a tween in “Seventeen.” Actually, I think that a 12 page preview of the next Twilight movie would be more thought-provoking than this pile of rubbish. Fancy outdated words like boudoir do not compensate for poor writing mechanics. Your arrogance and judgmental nature are things you can develop only if you’re funny. You wrote about a dozen clichés that wouldn’t even be featured in a bland stoner comedy. Reading this made me realize… Read more »
I lost brain cells reading this article. I tried to pretend it was satire, but even then, the poor writing and snobbish attitude ruin it. TGMP, do you guys have an editorial review process?
Hi dungone,
I’m glad you noticed that the piece is all in good fun. It’d be pretty foolish for you to take something like this seriously. I’m glad you’re putting those copious brain cells to work.
I’ll be sure to send my next piece to you for approval before it hits the masses. Let’s get drinks while we’re at it. You seem like a really nice person. 🙂
Torey
What an awful article. I think men must get quite bored reading this sort of twaddle from women all the time on a men’s site.
I can definitely respect a guy in a speedo.
Thank you GMP. This article has made me a better man.