Carl Bosch returns from Hawaii with a tan and a new look at manhood.
After a ten day, first time in my life, trip to Hawaii, I’ve come up with a perfect improvement for all of us men. It’s simple really. Channel your inner Hawaiian. Hear me out before you start throwing lava rocks at me.
First, try to really put yourself into the zone of island life. Water surrounds you everywhere and beautiful visuals abound. The beaches scale from fantastic to sublime. Turn left or right; morning, noon or night and you’re but a glance away from extreme planetary beauty. I don’t care if you’re pumping gas at the Shell station in Kona, an incredible landscape/seascape is waiting for you every moment you desire to catch the vision. Add the unbelievable flowers, plants and different sub climates and its like you’ve walked into the best botanical garden on earth. It’s Jurassic Park without the t-Rex or pterodactyls.
Next, learn to play a ukulele or slack key guitar. The music is, at turn, sweet, fetching, romantic, sentimental, soft and engaging. You can carry a uke around on your back as easy as the wallet in your pocket (and you totally know there’s a strong coolness factor to “wearing” an instrument). Hell, don’t even learn how to play it, just carry it around, it weighs about as much as a Twinkie. Ask my friend Nick. He wears his uke all over the island and plays whenever the mood strikes him. How much good vibe does that get him? A ton. Listen, I know a ukulele is not Linkin Park or even Buddy Guy, but if it’s cool enough for Eddie Vedder than you just lost your argument.
O.K., now I want every man to say a few Hawaiian words. Start simple. Say “Aloha”. Say it again. It means hello…or goodbye…or love…or affection. Not bad for one simple word. Now try “Mahalo”. One more time. It means thanks…or praise…or respect. Here’s the trick about Hawaiian. It’s missing a whole bunch of consonants that we use in most languages. In fact, it only has seven consonants. Seven! No B’s or R’s or Z’s or T’s. It’s almost all vowels with these tiny syllables strung together. You can’t sound very angry, or German or frustrated when you’re saying, “Humuhumunukunukuapua’a” You just sound happy…or silly. (By the way, that’s the state fish.)
Finally, for our last little metamorphosis into our inner Hawaiian, I want to give all men a major macho factor to dwell on. Despite all this nature, music and language, Hawaiian men appear to be the most tattooed dudes on the planet. You want your full sleeve or an array of high intensity ink? Hawaii takes a back seat to no parlor. And we’re not talking portraits of mom. Hawaiians sport some serious warrior designs. What could be better?
We just won’t ask you to hula.