Jed Diamond didn’t think he was depressed until his wife and two doctors convinced him.
My wife, Carlin, and I walked tentatively into the nicely restored old building to attend the “family weekend.” Our son had been in treatment for a drug problem and we were there to learn and offer support. As part of the weekend experience, all the family members were given various questionnaires to fill out. One was a depression questionnaire. We dutifully filled it out and my wife scored “high” while I scored “low.” Carlin talked to a counselor who suggested that she might want to get evaluated for depression when we returned home.
Driving back we talked and it became clear that Carlin had been feeling depressed for some time. Once home, she saw a doctor, was evaluated, and later put on anti-depressants. Her life and mine changed for the better. It was like she had come out of a fog. Her joy returned and she became much more fun to be around.
A few months into her treatment, Carlin suggested that I might be depressed as well and wanted me to see her doctor. I promptly refused. “I’m not depressed,” I thought out loud. “If I were I’m sure I’d know it. I’m a therapist and I treat depression. I’d certainly recognize it in myself.” She just gave me a gentle smile. “OK, it was just a suggestion,” she said. “Anyway,” I reminded her, “I took the depression quiz at the treatment center and I scored low.” As far as I was concerned the case was closed.
However, there were some disturbing thoughts that would pop into my head. My father had suffered from manic-depressive illness all his life and had tried to commit suicide. I knew that the disease ran in families. Though I kept telling myself I was immune (God knows that therapists can be the most pig-headed people when our own mental health is questioned), still there were those doubts. Plus, I found I was often irritable, angry, preoccupied, and withdrawn. But that couldn’t be depression, could it?
I convinced myself that my irritability and anger were justified. “Who wouldn’t be upset with what I have to put up with?” I would call out to anyone who would listen. “I’m stressed out at work, the kids seem to go out of their way to get on my last remaining nerve, and my wife is going through menopause!”
♦◊♦
Carlin received the brunt of my anger, which she fought to deflect. But what did she expect? If she’d just be nicer, more loving, more interested in sex, everything would be okay. It never occurred to me that my constant anger made it nearly impossible for her to be nicer, more loving, or more interested in sex.
More and more often I found I was having fantasies of running away from it all. I’d see myself getting in my car and just driving into the sunset. Other times I saw myself with another woman, someone who was kinder and gentler and understood me—someone like Carlin used to be. Those thoughts excited and scared me. I knew we couldn’t go on like this, but I had no idea what to do.
Finally, Carlin made the decision for me. “Look,” she told me directly, “we’re both miserable. If our marriage is going to survive, you’ve got to see someone.” Reluctantly, I made an appointment with the doctor she had seen. He did a complete evaluation and I was sure he would say I was a normal guy who had to deal with a lot of stress in his life. Instead, he told me I was suffering from depression and would benefit from treatment. I was shocked. I thanked him and was about to leave when he said something that hit me between the eyes, “You need to be aware, Mr. Diamond, that men often experience depression differently than women, and highly successful and intellectual men, in particular, often deny that they are depressed.”
When I returned home Carlin was anxious to hear the results. I told her what the doctor had said and she seemed relieved. I told her I wanted a second opinion. She blew up. “You want a second opinion? I’ll give you a second opinion! You’re depressed and you need treatment just like I did. It helped me and it will help you.” She turned and walked out of the room.
I didn’t want to believe I was depressed. It just didn’t fit with my view of myself. And it didn’t fit with what I knew were the symptoms of depression. My mood wasn’t depressed most of the time. I hadn’t lost interest in my work or activities I loved. I slept fine and my energy was OK. I didn’t feel worthless and I didn’t think of killing myself.
I did decide to see another doctor. Even though I liked this one much better than the first, she told me essentially the same thing as the first one. She also explained that men who are depressed are often hypersensitive, irritable, and angry. She gave me the book, An Unquiet Mind, by world-renowned psychologist, Kay Redfield Jamison. In that book, Jamison described depression in a way that cut to my core:
You’re irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding, and no reassurance is ever enough. You’re frightened, and you’re frightening, and ‘you’re not at all like yourself but will be soon,’ but you know you won’t.
I could no longer deny the truth. I was dealing with depression. I agreed to begin therapy as well as try medications. I found that my life turned around. I wasn’t so hypersensitive. Little things didn’t bother me as much. I wasn’t so reactive and I felt less irritable. As Carlin described it, “You used to look at me in a way that chilled me. Your eyes were narrow and beady. Now when you look at me I feel your love. It’s wonderful.”
Things have continued to improve for us. I know there are millions of other men out there who are depressed, but don’t know it. I developed a questionnaire that seemed to get at the irritability that is at the core of the kind of depression that many men experience. If there is anyone who would like to take it you can do so at www.IMSquiz.com.
Read more from the special section on mental illness
Photo credit: Flickr / erix!
I had undiagnosed depression for many years. It got worse and worse until I just about imploded and was compelled to get help. I scored off the charts when I got screened. It didn’t really register to me that I had depression until I answered the screening questions and saw, “wow, if that’s how I feel I need some serious help.” Some medication and counseling and a depression management regimen have made a big difference. At first I felt pretty ashamed because at first it was like I discovered I was crazy. I’m messed up, I’ve failed, I’m a quitter,… Read more »
Jed, thank you for being so honest with your own story. Your description of what depression “looks” like in men — irritability, demands, criticism, lifelessness — is spot-on. I have a man close to me who acts just like this and I struggle with feeling I’m at fault for his feelings. This piece reminded me that I”m not.
The real tragedy of male-type depression is that men’s irritability and anger which is their call for help often comes across as blame and shame. As a result the women in our lives feel hurt and alone and don’t know how to reach us. And the men become increasingly frustrated, sad, and hopeless feeling that no one really understands and cares. One of the most supportive things my wife ever said, when I was particularly depressed and angry was, “I know you’re depressed and angry, and I’m totally there to support you, but you can’t keep blaming and pushing me… Read more »
“You need to be aware, Mr. Diamond, that men often experience depression differently than women, and highly successful and intellectual men, in particular, often deny that they are depressed.”
That’s the key. It shows up differently and until people can come to recognize this we will continue with thinking that since men don’t exhibit depression the way women (notice that most anti-depressent ads feature women) do there is nothing wrong.
Danny, As part of the research for my book, Male vs Female Depression: Why Men Act Out and Women Act In, I developed a new male depression scale that I think more accurately assesses depression in men. Those interested can read my article about it here:
http://www.scribd.com/doc/19054412/Depression-Gender-and-Suicide-A-Research-Study-on-MaleFemale-Differences-in-Depression-
Thanks for the info. One other thing I think happens is that people take to the way that depression in females as the default that they become quick to declare that the ways that depression shows up in males must because they are “just being men”, “men are angry”, or even the “boys will be boys” and so forth. (And I think even some of the people that call themselves calling out the “boys will be boys” mentality usually only do so for the sake of helping girls, which is fine but it ignores boys).
Danny, That’s exactly what my research (and personal experience showed). World-wide, studies over the last 20 years have indicated that women experience depression at twice the rate of males. Even though males commit suicide at rates from 2 to 18 times higher than women. And male suicide rates go up dramatically as we age, while women’s stays relatively low. Since we assess depression by getting people to answer a questionnaire, if the questionnaire doesn’t ask the right questions, we get it wrong diagnosis. That’s why I developed a new scale, which I’m happy to send to anyone who would like… Read more »
Glad to see men admit that they are vulnerable. Depression is a big problem with men in the USA but it’s one that is not being addressed. There are many stigmas that go with depression and it’s these stigmas that often prevent men from seeking help. Although major depressive disorders are genetic, a lot of people don’t know that it can be triggered by different events. I encourage men to take an honest look at themselves …. if theings aren’t right, ya need to do something. Something as simple as working a grave yard shift job can affect people. Depression… Read more »
Well spoken Tom,
Too many of us, male and female, grow up with the believe that men need to be strong, and emotional depression is a sign that we are weak and not really good men. One of the many values of the Good Men Project is a reminder that we can be Good Men and still have problems and concerns. In fact, having the courage to address these problems and reach out for help, may be the best thing a man can do.
Hey guys,
I got hit pretty hard with depression 15 years ago.
It was a dog named, Ozzy, that was the ultimate cure.
Check out my book: PUPPY CHOW IS BETTER THAN PROZAC. – puppychowisbetterthanprozac.com
it’s really cheap on amazon.com
http://www.amazon.com/Puppy-Chow-Better-Prozac-ebook/dp/B004L9M1E4/ref=tmm_kin_title_0?ie=UTF8&m=AG56TWVU5XWC2
Take care,
Bruce
Pets can certainly help and Prozac (and other antidepressants, though valuable for some) don’t get at the underlying loneliness that is often at the core of depression. Would enjoy hearing what your experience was with Ozzy.
“I’m stressed out at work, the kids seem to go out of their way to get on my nerve…’ Thank you for writing this….you hit it right on the nail….! Dear friends of ours have had a depressive crisis with a dramatic and tear-stained night at our house just to separate the wife and kids from an explosive outburst from the husband….Later we found out that it wasn’t just about a bad report card from the 11 yo son….the father of the family was getting some kind of audit at work and he was completely unglued by that but he… Read more »
Leia, We can all play a part in helping men and their families. Too many of us don’t recognize depression in men (where it is often acted out in angry ways or closed down and a man numbs his emotions). When we do recognize it, we often don’t know what to do. Reaching out to the man and his loved ones, sharing our own stories, and encouraging him to get help that can support his sense of manhood and also address his pain, is very important. Anyone who is having a problem or knows someone who is can contact me… Read more »