Tinder first dates are often nerve-racking, as you don’t know what to expect. Will the chemistry you shared while messaging her continue? Will she not find you attractive in real life? What if you don’t have anything to talk about? All of these, as well as other thoughts racing through your mind, can make you nervous, and before you’ve even opened your mouth you feel mounting pressure to impress her and say something awesome.
I’m often asked what I like to talk about when I’m on a date. I don’t generally go in with specific topics, more a vibe that I want to convey, but I do the following to put my best foot forward to ensure that not only is it a good date, but I show myself in the best possible light:
The Do’s
Get to know each other.
As cheesy and as obvious as this sounds, this is the crux of the interaction. Generally, you want to find out about each other. This is your chance to show off your personality, get a feel for hers, and qualify her (qualification is so key, but that’s an article within itself). I might tell some cool stories which tell her about my personality, and if possible show related pictures that I might have on my phone. The date is an opportunity to show her what your personality is like as that is what she will or won’t find attractive, so make sure to not just be yourself, but your best self.
Pick a place you know.
Picking a date location that you’re comfortable with is HUGE, as does having a plan of what you’re going to do afterward or the possible options. This makes you more confident as you’ll already know what you’re doing, and it looks great to her when you walk into a place and the staff not only know you, but laugh and joke with you. Even if you don’t know the staff, interact with them as if they’re your friends and they’ll reciprocate. They can’t be rude to you, it’s their job to make you feel welcome so this is an easy win! This conveys to her that you’re socially savvy, and have status as people always observe how others react to you to judge your social standing. Even if she asks you if you know the staff, and you don’t, tell her and she’ll be impressed by your social skills.
Keep the conversation light.
Generally, you want to keep the conversation light and flirty, tease her a bit and sub-communicate that you’re an easy going guy, who’s confident and funny which are attractive qualities to have. When you’re able to do this calmly, without pursuing an outcome, you come across as not desperate, which is something you never want her to think of you.
Seduce her.
You should try to seduce her, nothing overt, just holding her gaze and maintaining eye contact where appropriate. Even touching and getting her to touch you when appropriate, to set up the right dynamic. You don’t want to be the one doing all the work as if you start by you going out of your way to impress her and pursuing her, the interaction is doomed as you’re already starting off on the wrong foot. To be clear nothing kinky, maybe put her hand on the back of yours briefly while you’re talking to let her know it’s ok to touch you for example.
Be in the moment.
Really, don’t have a plan, just more of an ideal vibe you’d like to create and take it from there in the moment. Try not to stay in your head, and if you’re stuck just make observational statements about things you notice about her, and get her to expand on her responses. This is great for her too as she doesn’t know you that well, but she does know herself so mentioning things you notice about her gives her opportunities to talk about something she knows a lot about – herself!
Embrace awkward silences.
Even when there are awkward silences, just embrace them knowing that the situation will pass and there’ll be better chemistry and it always does. Don’t feel the need to always jump in and fill the gaps with talking. Simply relax, and maintain eye contact with her. Maybe even shoot her a wry smile to convey you’re confident and don’t even need to keep the conversation going. This allows her to actually speak, and encourages her to invest in the interaction. You never want to be the one doing all the work, as it conveys you’re not enough so you must compensate by trying to please her.
Lead.
This ties in with the point I made earlier about knowing where to go next. Women expect men to lead. Chances are you initiated conversation after matching on Tinder right? There you go, she expected you to lead from the very outset and this is a trend she expects to continue. This doesn’t mean that you should run your own dictatorship! It’s okay to ask her opinion of something, but rather than asking her what she wants to do, suggest something to do and if she doesn’t like that suggest something else. Knowing where to go next helps with this, as it makes you look more decisive which is attractive to her. Even if you want to kiss her or take things further, she won’t be making any moves. If you’re lucky, she may drop hints that she’s interested, but it’s up to you to look for the signs and act on them to test the water. One thing I liked to do is take her hand in mid-conversation and give it a squeeze. If she squeezes back, she’s feeling good about the interaction and will be receptive to you physically escalating (touching or kissing her). If not fall back, and continue to create a good vibe.
Go for the kiss.
This is controversial, but I would say that you should go for the kiss, but only if you feel the vibe is right! How and when deserves another article in itself, but I will just say that in my experience most of the girls I did kiss on dates resulted in us going back together, or a second date, but none of the girls I didn’t kiss resulted in second dates! So long as you’ve built a great vibe and she’s interested in you, she will want you to kiss her or at least try! Kissing her makes her feel desirable, and demonstrates that you know what you’re doing. Not doing it, when she wants you to, will make her think you don’t know what you’re doing and will reduce the chances of her wanting to see you again. You can do it mid-date or at the end of the night it’s up to you, but make sure that your attempt is calibrated. Squeeze her hand like in my previous point to see how she physically receptive she is to you, before you go in for the kill.
The Don’ts
Getting too Deep Straight Away
At this stage your date should be about fun. You shouldn’t go deep and bog the conversation down with heavy topics, positive or especially negative. You can save having deep conversations for later. You don’t want her to confide deep things in you at this stage, as she may regret telling a complete stranger these personal things and it could affect her seeing you again. And likewise, if you tell her some deep things about you, she may wonder why is this guy telling me all this heavy stuff though he doesn’t really know me, which could put her off too. Save these deep conversations for when you know each other better, or after intimacy.
Getting Overtly Sexual too Quickly
Aside from the obvious, innuendos and sexual harassment, do not be too forward from the off. If you want to seduce her, slowly build in touching and holding her gaze, but after you’ve made her feel attraction for you. Don’t talk about what she’s like sexually at this point, as in my experience, even if you engage in a very sexual conversation, if it doesn’t lead to sex, 9 times of out 10 you’ll never see her again for any mix of the following three reasons:
- She’ll feel cheap, and have buyer’s remorse that she allowed herself to get sexual with a guy she just met.
- She’ll feel like she put herself out their sexually and you didn’t lead it into a sexual conversation, so she thinks that you don’t know what you’re doing.
- You met and it didn’t go down to sex, so every time you want to meet her with her from here on out she’ll assume you’re just doing it because you think you can have sex with her.
Also, a lot of guys pretty much just ask for sex from the off (which is why so many women put “swipe right if you’re only after one thing” in their bios) so by not being too sexual right away, you stand out from the crowd! Being relaxed about sex sub-communicates that it’s pretty casual to you, you’re not desperate, and therefore you probably do have sex on a regular basis.
Counterproductively, this would make her more sexually attractive to you as she thinks you’ve been preselected by other women.
Asking boring “what do you do? Where are you from” interview questions.
These are questions that everyone asks and are really boring. Also, they make the conversation logical, and you want it to be in the fun flirty and emotional. They also put the onus on her to carry the conversation, which adds a lot of pressure and is bad for you as women expect men to lead (and deep down resent guys that don’t, but that’s a topic for another article!). I would recommend rephrasing these questions as statements. For example, instead of “what do you do?” rephrase this as an assumption based on her vibe or the way she’s dressed. If you make the correct assumption, either of you can expand on it. If you make an incorrect assumption, she will correct you and then you can get her to expand on her occupation.
Be too Nice
Women say they want a nice guy, but being too nice can be detrimental to the date. In general, I’m nice to everyone, but I’ve found that women interpret too nice as a form of supplication. I’m not saying you should be a jerk, well maybe a playful one, but don’t go out of your way to please her or do everything for her.
Constantly asking what she would like to do rather than taking charge and leading is unattractive to her. You can ask her opinion or give her some choices, but she’s looking to you to make the decision. Instead of asking what she wants to do, make a suggestion and if she doesn’t want to do that, suggest something else.
In Conclusion
And there you have it pillars to adhere to once you’re on the date. By taking on these principles you can do your own thing on the date, allowing your personality to fill in the blanks. At the end of the day your personality is what she will or won’t fall for, and the points on this guide show you simple tweaks that will put you in the best possible light, and the pitfalls to avoid to set yourself up to win.
What things do you like to do on a date? Let me know in the comments section below.
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This sounds like more ‘dating by number’ – a set of so-called techniques which just get in the way of being natural and spontaneous and actually present-and-connected with the wom,an in whose company you are, so pretty much guranteed to make you feel, and appear to her, like ‘fake news’. Sad!