—
The importance of sex in a healthy relationship cannot be understated. Well, mostly.
See, as a guy, it’s definitely one of the most important things if not THE most important thing. It’s a primal thing, really. On the other hand, many women would say it’s just as important, but may be more likely to overlook the issue if everything else in the relationship is going well.
Here’s a simple way to sum things up: Men often choose a woman based upon the sex (or the prospect of it), and end up falling in love; while women generally choose a man based upon the love they feel, and end up enjoying sex. I know that “all” is a total generalization, but you get my point. Men tend to focus on sex. Women tend to focus on love.
But let me get personal here, I’m divorced. My ex is a lovely woman, whom I still love dearly. However, we had many challenges in our marriage. One of the byproducts of all that (though some might argue it to actually be the cause) is that we quit having sex. The effect of this on me was challenging. Often, I’d feel sexually frustrated and felt resentment towards my ex because we weren’t being intimate.
The implications of all these factors are big because sex is a deep and powerful form of intimacy. It bonds and connects two people in ways that few other things can. It’s beyond the mind. It’s beyond the body, too. There is a deep energetic connection that bonds two people when they make love.
It’s not just the intermingling of juices. It’s not even that two people shared an act of love with someone, that they most likely hold sacred. What’s really happened is that there has been a union between two people that transcends time and space. And we know it. Yet it’s very hard to quantify. Right? We all know how close we feel to someone after we have sex. That doesn’t mean it’s the magical elixir for all that might be off or dysfunctional in a relationship.
But, heck, it sure does mean that it helps bring us together. The term “makeup sex” is just that. It brings us closer. If you’ve had a hard day and your hackles are all up towards your partner, yet at the end of the day you go to bed and make love, then the chances are that you will soften towards them and feel closer after making love.
I know many women may be saying that they just can’t have sex when they don’t feel close to their partner. It’s a valid point. I’m not saying you should.
What I am suggesting is this: if you want to feel more connected to your partner but are allowing squabbles and minor disagreements set your emotional agenda, simply let this anger fall away. Consider that the simple act of saying “yes” to your partner, and to passion, may begin to shift the dynamic. If you’re both honoring each other correctly, sex will most likely help you feel closer to your love.
Back to my marriage, there were often times when we had fought or just felt distance between us. This continued on and on so that we continued to grow apart over time. It could have been different. Many experts approach relationship challenges from the “deficiency model.” In this model, they identify what isn’t working, and work to fix those problems.
Makes lots of sense, right? Something is broken, so go fix it. What doesn’t jive with this approach is that it doesn’t typically address what is the core issue—a solid foundation in the relationship.
Relationship expert John Gottman has done outstanding research on relationships and what makes them work. This is where Gottman is different. He doesn’t suggest fixing anything. Rather, his approach is all about creating a solid foundation in the relationship. One where both people feel a strong, deep bond between each other. In doing this, there is a stronger bond and a level of goodwill that flows. When your man comes home at the end of the day and is in caveman mode, you don’t take it personally. And when your woman just wants to talk and be heard, you are happy to listen because you know she just needs an ear.
In short, everything becomes easier. The little things just fall to the wayside. The big things are more easily handled, especially because there isn’t a backlog of resentment and anger over previous unresolved issues. Comprende?
So how do you do this?
Well, Gottman teaches much of this in his workshops and writing. I do suggest that if you haven’t read it yet that you check out his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. It includes excellent tips and guidance on creating and sustaining intimate relationships. You don’t have to be married to learn immensely from this book.
And, yes, having a healthy sex life is part of all this. Keep this in mind too, there are many things you can do that are flirtatious, intimate and nourishing besides just the act of sex. Foreplay is lots of fun and definitely helps set the tone for better lovemaking. It for sure creates more emotional intimacy which strengthens the bonds of lovemaking.
Personally, I know that my failed marriage would have benefitted enormously from more of the Gottman foundation-building work. We didn’t have the tools at that point though to go that route. It was sad to end a relationship with someone that I still had deep love for, but it was necessary. I’m hoping that you have and/or find the tools in your intimate relationships to foster a deep bond and foundation. And that you have a healthy and satisfying sex life with your partner!
About the Author, Kendy Singer:
As a Clinical Psychologist for 10 years, Kenedy Singer listens and counsels with deep empathy blended with great humor. He now specializes in helping women learn how to successfully navigate dating while having a blast and effortlessly drawing in the great men they’ve been looking for. Having spent many years single, he learned firsthand the ups and downs of dating. He likes to say he’s seen it all. And he’s happy to say that he’s no longer single. All his efforts landed him a partner who he feels blessed and lucky to be with every day. He coaches clients in person, by phone and via Skype. Connect with him through his website & find him on Facebook.
“A Man’s View: How Important is Sex in a Relationship?” was originally published with MeetMindful; republished with permission.
Photo credit: iStock
Sex is not the only thing people need to focus on. That’s why relationships are failing. Saying men fall for sex then eventually fall in love is like a lady falling in love with ur money and than falling in love with you eventually. Sometimes we don’t feel in the mood etc. It’s normal, don’t act like it’s an attack on your manhood. You shouldn’t force someone to do something they don’t want to do. It’s probably a good thing you broke up with your ex as its apparent you were with her for the wrong reasons.
i really do believe in ” When you are in love with some one it doesn’t matter if they aren’t really that good in bed. what matters more is that they assured you that they will always be there for you whenever you need them without asking them to stay. they will feel special and show you how much they care for you. ” my parents are married for 30 years. they always taught me and my brothers don’t put sex the center of relationship. sex is good and part of a relationship but there is more things to do… Read more »
Sorry, but you come across as incredibly selfish. You want to have a relationship with a woman because you want sex with her, not because you’re interested in all she is? You expect a woman to make love to you when the rest of your relationship is awful and you’ve both had a bad day, as if that’ll fix everything? You want sex to be glue that holds you together but disregard the fact that you need to create a context where that is what sex means, for both of you – and that includes respecting that no, you don’t… Read more »
Question: what if it is the other way around? The man doesn’t have any interest in sex & the woman does? His interest is so low it can go on for months, and then there is no interest in pleasing the woman only himself?
Agreed. I had the same experience, Tracy. So I left.
(Most) Women like to have a sense of closeness before having sex, and (most) men like to have sex to feel close.
Go figure….
My guy has told me several times how important sex is to him. He’s asked me to not “use it as a weapon.” I have heard him and understand. I have told him my sex drive fluctuates with hormones, stress, mood, and how I feel towards him. If we’ve been fighting, the last thing I probably want to do is have sex with him, but he may need that intimacy and reassurance from me. We’ve promised each other to have the tough conversations and be honest and work towards each other. If that is something he needs, he needs to… Read more »
I agree.I think that partners should try and discover things together. It might be porn or new sexual practice. I thing couples should be more open. Hail to the one who finds this kind of partner. As for me my sex life can be summed up like this: my husband lubricates me with his saliva, penetrates me for two minutes and then goes to sleep. There’s no foreplay involved. I’ve been living this for the last five years. As a result I’m in a constant feeling of frustration. I often contemplate the act of having sex with someone who would… Read more »
Alyssa, Have you tried talking about this with him. It would seem to be worth the effort.
If you have to have sex to be in a relationship.. then you’re not in a relationship.. you’re in an ‘arrangement’. You should be just as happy in your relationship with sex and without sex. If the enjoyment of your life and your relationship is based on the sex you have… then I’d suggest getting out of that relationship. If you can’t go 6 months, or a year or two years without sex.. then perhaps you’re more emotionally unstable than you’d like to believe.
Bizarre.
Crys, It really depends how long you go between sexual encounters doesnt’ it. If you have been in a sexless marriage then your argument falls apart completely. Sex is good for your soul and your physical health, perhaps you don’t care about that.
This for me is a bizarre comment. Relationship is not ONLY about sex. But relationship is ALSO about sex. I attribute the end of my marriage to sexual incompatibility first but not only. We are both better off single now. She’s married to her work and I am exploring a new connection in which sex is infrequent becuase of practical reasons. But there is a willingness to connect.
Respectivefully disagree. I am female and was unhappily married to a not sex creative spouse – post marriage I want extreme passion or I will happily put my introverted self in an old people’s home alone and never look back. Sometimes People who say you should do without sex in marriage have never have soul changing mind blowing sex. I want someone who wants me so bad he would go to Bali hai every day if he could pull that off with me and I am not alone. .
Cringe
Such a sexist article..
I mostly agree with this article, except for the fact that is can easily be misinterpreted (as with any writing). For clarity, I’d love to see an additional acknowledgement of the importance of listening to your gut if there is evidence in the relationship of one or both partners NOT being *honored*. I totally agree that we often let the stress of the day/week and legitimately “minor” frustrations keep us from being close with our partners. I personally have a tendency to close off emotionally when I’m stressed or annoyed, and I’ve worked hard to maintain more openness during times… Read more »
I have spent a total of 11 years over three different long term relationships being celibate, sexless with my partners. I was frigid the first two partnerings. By the third I was ready to go for it! and my partner was asexual. What I can tell you from this, being on both sides of the coin… is that without sex, there is no glue strong enough to get through the years of living together and staying deeply emotionally connected. There was not for me. It is hard to watch a partner pull away more and more and close down emotionally… Read more »
What if HE is the problem? No communication, no sex, no libido, no interest. Having no sex life is killing me. I’m always irritable, moody and I’ve started hating him. I have chosen to go back to work full time so I can afford to leave him. He thinks it’s because I’m bored at home. NO. I’m bored with him and would rather be a single mom of two then spend another night in a cold bed. I’m extremely passionate and love sex. He’s killed that.
Please get in touch with me. My husband is doing the same thing. I sleep in a cold bed where I have to read before I sleep instead of having sex. I’m only 28 and he’s the one who choose when he wants to have sex and then he becomes moody for no specific reason and doesn’t talk or touch me for like two weeks. After that he gets back to me by penetrating me for like two minutes and gets back to talking to me again. I hate him for ruining my life and for making me want to… Read more »
Women also need to initiate sex more often. Don’t leave it up to the man to read you mind, my God how many couples do this is astounding. Reach out and touch someone before it’s too late.
No different whether it is the female or male. They may be hurt by past interactions between you, they may have sexual problems, they may have had sexual trauma. Could be any the above. Just leaving is not really dealing with the problem. Have you talked. Get some marriage coaching /councelling .Especially with 2 kids.
It’s an impossible question to answer. Some people prioritize sex more than others, and by extension, certain relationships will place a greater emphasis on sex, while others won’t. The fact that there are numerous articles on this website alone illustrating scenarios where a couple literally cannot have sex (disability, injury, illness, aging, etc) kinda undermines the argument that sex is always a critical, or even necessary, part of a relationship.
I cannot even begin to describe the sheer blasphemy that is these words: “if you want to feel more connected to your partner but are allowing squabbles and minor disagreements set your emotional agenda, simply let this anger fall away.” I.E. Your anger is not legitimate, (it is a squabble/minor disagreement) Listening to these ‘minor’ feelings makes you foolish person, who is robbing their husbands of ‘promised’ intimacy. “Consider that the simple act of saying “yes” to your partner, and to passion, may begin to shift the dynamic.” I.E. Just give him the sex he wants and he’ll start being… Read more »
Kimberly
Just like Flyingkal says , “we need to have an honest conversation about why we are not having sex…”
That can be very unpleasant .
Quite a challenge actually.
For me that conversation led to the divorce court. She is now happy writing her books aND I no longer feel guilty for wanting sex to be part of loving someone.
Kimberly “Sex does not solve anything. It is not a magical fix.” Absolutely right. But then again, simply NOT having sex isn’t very likely to magically fix anything either… “Talk to your wife, help her if she is depressed, find out why her sex drive is going down (hint: It’s probably you.)” I used to be in a long-term, cohabitating relationship where, after virtually every time we’ve had sex (like once or twice a month), my girlfriend would (rethorically) say: “Oooh, that was soo good. Why don’t we do this more often…” The straight and simple answer to that was… Read more »
@ FlyingKal, ““Oooh, that was soo good. Why don’t we do this more often…” – How about, “I really enjoy making love you…………..” But, desiring sex with you only once a month. This from a woman in her late mid 30s and throughout her entire 40s. I am sure like me, it left you feeling frustrated, angry, resentful, hurt, rejected, and in a bad place mentally and emotionally. At least it did me. It was the mental and emotional misery that I was in that was unbearable. Divorce was my only way out of that hell. I know most men… Read more »
It left me in the spare room. Then the divorce court. Now in a happy life where sex is at least an option.
I talked. I listened. I councilled. I read. I begged. I negotiated. I moved into the spare room. Then I left. Some people just don’t fit together forever.
I agree with this article 100%. Some comments here I feel like they are totally missing the point. Sex or lovemaking is transcendent, it is a way to unite your enegies that can be done in no other way. I don’t believe you can have intimacy without sex, but yes, you can have sex without intimacy. I wish more people looked at sex for what it is, the pure ability to connect with someone and love deeply.
While I agree with you that sex can be transcendent and that it has the ability to connect you with someone you love deeply, that doesn’t mean that having sex will magically fix everything. It also doesn’t mean that I personally can shove down whatever other feelings I’m experiencing at the time just so we can have sex. If I am mad at my partner before sex, I am going to still be mad at him after. It will not change the core issue we are experiencing at the time. All sex sessions with someone you love are not created… Read more »
@ Erin,
Ditto!
@Erin: While I agree with you that sex can be transcendent and that it has the ability to connect you with someone you love deeply, that doesn’t mean that having sex will magically fix everything.
>>>
You’re right, Erin.
What it does mean is that NOT having sex will magically break everything. (Real physical illnesses excepted)
Jim, what would be your suggestion for women like me who when encountering issues in the relationship, don’t want to have sex with our partners. Should we ignore these feelings for fear that not having sex with him when he wants will immediately break everything, as you say? I’m asking this question sincerely.
It could make a difference if the “partner” is a marriage partner, correct?
@ Tracey U,
“I wish more people looked at sex for what it is, the pure ability to connect with someone and love deeply.”
Simply not so.
Clearly sex can be a purely physical thing too as in casual sex, one night stands, etc. Nothing I desire. But, it is not always about intimacy or connecting unless you mean physical.
Intimacy means different things to different people. Believe it or not, there are some women who feel holding hands is more intimate than intercourse. That seems odd to me as man..
I have one comment to make. Read “Marry Him” by Lori Gottlieb and then read this article. It will make sense.
@ Deanna,
I have read the book. I think it is fantastic.
Just not sure how it relates to this piece. Can you explain? It was 2-3 years ago I read it. I do remember the conversations she had with the professional matchmaker…If someone has 80% of what you’re looking for it’s a good match….
Her advice was great. I don’t think it went over well with our modern well-educated women of today.
I have admit I hated this line: ” Men tend to focus on sex. Women tend to focus on love.” It’s so a grossly old stereotype. And one that suggests that men largely just care about sex first and most and that’s not fair to men or to women. It’s like the author wants men and women to be stuck in old stereotypes. I am also not a fan of this comment: ” What I am suggesting is this: if you want to feel more connected to your partner but are allowing squabbles and minor disagreements set your emotional agenda, simply let this anger… Read more »
@ Erin,
Yes, I feel the same as you about this piece.
I tried to post a couple of more comments, one specially in response to your comment. Looks like it did not make through moderators. I guess I have been sent to the penalty box!
Thanks Jules. Damn that penalty box! We’ve all been there.
Yes or figure out her needs and change what you are doing that makes her not want to have sex.
It’s the very opposite in our marriage during this season. Makes me feel weird as a woman feeling this way. 🙁
Same here!
Am I really reading this drivel here on the Good Men Project? Foreplay “sets the tone” for lovemaking? Foreplay IS lovemaking, mister. If you don’t get that, no wonder your marriage failed. “allowing squabbles and minor disagreements set your emotional agenda – let…anger fall away…? What exactly does that mean? You’re dictating to your wife to ignore her own feelings so that you can get what YOU want (sex). Why don’t you “let” your lust “fall away”? Finally, and I get so tired of saying this, sex is NOT intimacy and it does not “bring people together”. If it did,… Read more »
This comment and FlyingKal’s! Absolutely. I found this article disingenuous. Sex is not a relationship. It’s one of the many many things that happen when you are IN a good relationship. This obsession with forcing sex no matter what is disgusting.
How important is sex?
Another man’s view: I think the ability to have an honest discussion about WHY you’re not having sex, is actually more important than having sex.
I would agree FlyingKal. That would be the conversation no one else is having.
This is the two comments of the day .
You are both brilliant ( and adorable..)
Thank you my darling…and you too….xoxoxo
I will jump on board and second Silke’s comments. Excellent point FlyingKal and Jules and couldn’t agree more.
I must say, I never anticipated that one in a hundred years, nor did I see it coming…
Thank you, both of you!
Well said!
I totally get it and I am a woman. I believe and know all things you stated are true. In my case, I am more like the man, and my husband (although we are separated) is more like the woman. He simply doesn’t put out, actually it is more than that, there is no intimacy. I love sex and at times even if we have fought, I would still want to have sex. Even after wining and dining him per say, more truly being kind, spending time with him, getting to know what he really likes even if I dont,… Read more »
@ Sheila E..
My empathy for you. I was in a marriage like that for 17 years…largely sexless.
I too love touch, kissing, rubbing, massage, lots of sex etc. They all strengthen the intimacy (real intimacy) in the relationship.
Best wishes
You win for comments. No others are necessary.
I agree completely. Have the honest and open conversations as to why you are not having sex. That is the most important place to start.