7 major mistakes guys make when approaching women, according to women.
This article was originally published by AskMen UK.
We all like to think we know how to navigate human interaction fairly well. That we could, at any point in time, talk to a member of the opposite sex without coming away feeling like we’ve just humiliated ourselves.
But, sometimes, this isn’t the case. At all. So, AskMen UK’s female staffers are going to let you in on a few key pieces of information that will help (they’ve promised, and everything). It could be that you’ve had too much to drink (who meets someone on a mate’s stag do, anyway?) or you spend too much time talking about yourself (damn those nerves). Whatever it is tripping it up, here are the 10 mistakes guys make when approaching women.
The general point? If she keeps eye contact and is pleasant, continue on and ask her out; if she is avoiding eye contact and being short with what she says, move on. And don’t lose confidence — you’ll have better luck next time. Perhaps.
7. Starting Out On The Defense
Ironically, the mistake a lot of men make when it comes to approaching women is simply fearing the worst. This isn’t always true (at all), but once you start believing it is, you’ll immediately be on the defensive, trying to think of solutions to problems that really don’t even exist. The last thing you want to do is see any woman as a ‘challenge’ or as though you need to learn any ‘tricks‘ to persuade potential partners to talk to you. Doing this will be what puts women off — just like doing that with a guy friend would put him off wanting to hang out with you — not the things you were initially worried about. Forget what you’ve heard. Approaching a woman is not about game-playing. Women (fun, nice women that you’d actually enjoy spending time with) will always rather get to know a friendly guy who means what he says than someone who’s trying to play it cool (and is therefore kind of a boring jerk).
6. Approaching Women In The Wrong Place
No, we’re not talking about place on the body. Not everywhere you go is a good pickup zone — you have to thoughtfully work out where you can actually approach women you don’t know. There’s no point striking up conversation with a potential partner if they’re already in a situation where they don’t feel like flirting; you’re dooming yourself to failure. A prime example of a potential no-go area is the gym. When testosterone is running high and you feel like you’re at your peak, it can be tempting to put the moves on someone you like the look of, but you’re actually making flirting much more difficult for yourself. If a woman is working out, she’ll be in the zone, and even more importantly, feeling really sweaty. Chatting to a stranger is likely to be pretty far down her list of priorities. Instead, it’s a safe bet to stick to bars, when women are more often than not feeling their best and already in the mood for socialising and open to getting to know people. The buzzing atmosphere in a bar also means that you can casually make conversation with less fear of rejection. It’s not all about bars, though. Friends of friends, activity groups and evening classes can be a brilliant way to meet people with whom you share similar interests. Building organically on friendship to potential dates, rather than the quick insta-fix of the drunken pickup line, will more naturally develop into a relationship (if that’s what you’re looking for).
5. Assuming She’s “Out On The Prowl”
Going out with your friends is fun, dancing is fun, and drinking is fun. Although it might not be what you want to hear, the truth is that often these are the most common reasons women will be together on a night out. Sometimes groups of friends will be happy to include you in the party, but be prepared. Chances are that most people won’t be that interested in hanging out with strangers when they’re out to have a laugh with their friends. And if you get the vibe that you’ve interrupted a night that you’re not welcome on (if she’s not continuing the conversation, if she’s more interested in her friends) then just amicably excuse yourself to the bar and carry on with your night. Of course, hooking up is fun too — but just be aware that most people aren’t up all night to get lucky. (Damn Daft Punk, giving us unrealistic expectations of love.)
4. Being Too Drunk
Being with a man who is in control is important to women. Most of us don’t want to be with a guy we have to forcefully hydrate during a night out, help go to the bathroom or keep from getting into brawls at the bar. And if you’re really trashily drunk, you’re also way more likely to get distracted from the woman you’re trying to talk to by other women (an immediate red flag), slur your words and just be generally unapologetic and annoying. Until you’re well into a relationship, avoid getting too drunk. Actually, scratch that — avoiding getting too drunk, period. Your friends and your liver will thank you.
3. Using Pick Up Lines
Sorry, guys, but everything you’ve learned about using pickup lines to start a conversation with women is dead wrong. There is nothing cheesier, less interesting or more of a turnoff than a guy who uses a standard opening line. Why? It shows he lacks confidence, period. It shows he’s literally spent time reading up on the best way to approach a woman (a fact which should never be admitted) and that he needs other guys to tell him what to say and how to act. Whatever you do, a simple hello is better than a canned line.
2. Only Talking About Yourself
The worst thing a guy can do is come up to us and talk about himself for the entirety of the conversation. If you have to talk about how amazing you are, it’s probably because you’re not. It’s boring for us, and you come off as insecure and uninteresting. Asking us questions about our lives shows you’re a considerate guy, and there’s more of a chance we’ll feel a connection — which will make it much easier to get a date.
Alternatively, not asking questions can also signal to the woman you’re chatting up that you’re too into yourself — and suggests we’ll never be much more than arm candy for you. You might think buying us drink after drink (and then maybe a bottle for the table) will impress us, but if you’re also talking about things like how much pressure you’re under at work (because you’re so important) or moaning about how you can’t drink as much as you normally would because you’re training for a marathon (then rolling up your shirt sleeves), it’ll do the opposite. A guy who has to put all his cards out on the table in order to keep us interested gets boring fast. Remember when they always taught you in school? That “Show, don’t tell” thing? Here’s a prime example.
1. Spending Too Much Time Talking To Her Friend
Make sure the woman you’re interested in is the woman you’re focusing on. If you’re spending all your energy talking to her friend (maybe you’re too nervous to talk directly to the woman you’re interested in, maybe her friend’s easier to talk to, whatever) she’s going to think you’re interested in her friend and turn her attention completely away from you. You just shot yourself in the foot. Also, there are few things worse than when a man starts chatting with us and we soon find out he only wanted a way in with our best friend (we’ll probably talk shit about you later to our friend who you did like, as well).
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