There was vapour coming out of every breath. The trees lie barren. Amid the coldness of winter, my heartbeat went fast. Not sure if it was the coffee or the phone call I’m about to make.
We’ve been in a long-distance relationship for a little over three years now. Dialing her number still makes me nervous. Our relationship sailed through a lot. Who would’ve thought I could end up with my highschool crush?
I’ve heard stories, but very few personal encounters with successful long-distance relationships. LDR is not that hard. It’s like a normal relationship, except you can’t go and see her when you miss her. You can talk over the phone, but the emptiness returns the moment you’re done.
Through our long-distance relationship, my significant other and I learn our lessons. With the little light of understanding, I hope to share with couples sailing through the same ship, our five key principles to build trust in a long-distance relationship.
“Trust is what allows us to feel safe enough that we can be our true authentic selves with our partner, and that they can and want to be open and transparent with us.”
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#1 Have a Healthy Dependence on Each Other
We depend entirely on our parents when we are born. It is how we survive. As we grow, we naturally learn to be self-sufficient. Our chance of survival gets higher as we rely more upon ourselves.
However, to make a relationship successful, the two of you must have a degree of dependency. Typically, she requires an emotional connection, while he needs moral support. But to be dependent on someone requires you to be vulnerable.
“I’m a man, how can I let my guard down for someone?”, said one of my best friends two years ago. He’s still single to this day.
To be vulnerable means exposing your heart to someone capable of damaging it. However, there is faith. And faith is the silent guardian of every successful relationship.
In a long-distance relationship, too much dependence can turn into clingy-ness. And clingy-ness is very hard to deal with when you are a thousand miles apart.
Healthy dependence is about being emotionally engaged with your partner. It secures a strong bond across the ocean between you.
You choose to be dependent on her not out of desperation but out of trust.
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#2 Respect Your Partner’s Time
Time difference between two countries makes a long-distance relationship meaningful. But imagine having to reschedule your pre-planned day just to fit in a phone call.
“Every second of every call, if we manage to set one, matters.” says many LDR couples. In that saying, lies the advice that my partner and I learn to obey — ‘if-we-manage-to-set-one’.
To develop trust in a long-distance relationship, it’s important to not jeopardize one another’s life. Unplanned, random calls lead to the breakdown of trust.
“How can he be so selfish? Sigh… Looks like it’s my turn to give up my work. Again.” she says while picking up the phone with a forced smile.
To let your partner know before calling her is to respect her time. Random calls can be problematic when done at the wrong time.
Plus, we tend to make the worst assumptions when our partner ignores us.
Respecting one another’s time is the key to develop trust. A simple text of “Hey, I’m not feeling too well. Can I call you after work today?” goes a long way. It’s an expression of trust and respect.
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#3 Watch Relationship-Building Videos Together
Schools don’t teach us how to be a responsible parent. Colleges don’t teach us how to communicate with our intimate partner. We learn life lessons either through personal experience or by asking the right people.
One of the challenges in a long-distance relationship is the lack of knowledge to handle conflicts. While a mistake can be our best teacher, it always pays off to avoid it in the first place.
My partner and I use watch2gether to watch relationships videos from YouTube. Our video of interest includes effective communication, love languages, marriage responsibilities etc. We spent about half an hour on the weekend on these videos and another half an hour discussing our take on them.
This practice allows us to understand the way both of us think. It’s really up to your creativity to make this happen but the core aim is simple: you want to develop the correct mindset as you sail through the relationship.
When the mindset of both of you harmonises, it will be much easier to develop trust with one another.
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#4 Grow Together As a Team
When your partner achieves something, celebrate with her. When she loses something, listen to her talking about it.
Celebrating your partner’s achievements doesn’t have to be fancy. A simple gesture of “I’m so happy for you! Please tell me the whole story of how you get there,” is an expression of love that goes a long way.
We develop trust for someone when we know they are on our side. They want to see us win as bad as ourselves. My partner says the magical chant every time we talk— “Kita kan geng (Aren’t we a team)?”
Research tells that men need to feel competent more than they need support from anyone. This is why he tends to give advice when all she needs is an ear that listens.
It’s up to the two of you to have a genuine conversation regarding the role of each partner. But both of you are working as a team to keep the ship sailing.
Being supportive of your partner in a long-distance relationship is difficult. But it’s the most important ingredient to a trustful relationship. After all, a win for your partner is a win for your future children.
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#5 Have Respect For Your Words
Sometimes she says, “I miss you,” but you don’t feel the same at that moment. You don’t want to be straight and say, “Babe I love you, but I don’t miss you now.” But at the same time, you don’t want to lie.
The solution is to take some time to remind yourself of the memories of the two of you before answering, “I miss you, too.” In other words, do something to make sure that your feeling for her is authentic at that point.
Honesty is crucial to develop trust in a long-distance relationship. Lying is a sign of hypocrisy and it’s only a matter of time before your partner find out who you are.
To understand the importance of honesty, start thinking of the relationship in the long-term. If you lie today, what’s your guarantee that you won’t lie later on?
Honesty is the bridge to effective communication. And effective communication is a clear indication of trust in any sort of relationship.
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Summing It All Up
Trust is what allows us to be authentic with our partner. Without trust, any feelings of love and belonging will deteriorate over time.
My partner and I have been in a long-distance relationship for some times. We are fortunate enough to make our relationship work despite all odds. Here are our five key strategies to build trust for long-distance couples out there:
- Have a healthy dependence by being emotionally engaged with your partner.
- Respect your partner’s time by avoiding unplanned calls.
- Watch relationship-building videos together to develop the correct mindset.
- Grow together as a team by being supportive when your partner achieves or losses something in life.
- Respect your words by being honest with your partner.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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