Britni de la Cretaz helps guys understand (and fix) what’s going wrong when they approach women.
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Guys, do your attempts at wooing women keep falling short? Maybe there was that one woman who dumped a drink on your head at the bar when you were trying to strike up a conversation. Or maybe there was the woman who complained to security at the gym when you were just admiring the squats she was doing. And what about the woman who cursed at you when you “complimented” her by telling her ass looked great in the dress she was wearing?
If any of this sounds familiar, you might need a little help. Here are some pointers on the best way to approach someone you’re interested in without putting your foot in your mouth, or worse, inadvertently harming them. And while I’m specifically addressing men who want to hit on women in this piece, these are great tips for anyone who wants to flirt with someone they don’t know in public space.
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Check your motives. Why do you want to approach this person that you don’t know? Is it because she’s pretty? Is it because you want to give her your opinion on how she looks or what she’s wearing?
Why do you think it is that the tables are so infrequently reversed, that women don’t often approach random men to flirt? Ask yourself what she stands to gain from the interaction before proceeding.
Read her body language. Is she wearing headphones, reading a book, or talking on the phone? Is her back to you at the bar? Is she avoiding eye contact? Does she pick up the pace of her steps as you approach her or cross the street when you get near her?
All of these are signs that she doesn’t want to be bothered or approached, and it’s best to leave her be. It’s counterproductive to rudely interject yourself into someone’s day in the hopes of winning her fancy, right?
Don’t be crass. “Hey, sexy!” “Nice tits!” “Do you like strip clubs?” None of these are lines that make a woman feel at ease or like she wants to strike up a conversation with you. Think about it: if you want her to think that you’re worth talking to, why would you make comments that imply that you view her like an object or are only interested in her body parts?
Take a hint. Smile and say, “hi.” Simple, right? But what’s really important is what happens next. Does she look away? Give one word answers? Squirm in her seat? All of these are indications that she’s uncomfortable with the conversation.
Not everyone feels safe to say that outright, because sometimes men get angry at women for rejecting an advance, so look for other cues to how she’s feeling. However, if she smiles back, makes eye contact, turns towards you, and says, “hey,” that’s an invitation to continue the conversation.
Accept “no” for an answer. Consent isn’t just about sex; it should be the cornerstone of all interactions. If you won’t accept a “no” from a woman when she declines to let you buy her a drink or doesn’t want to give out her number, you’re sending the message that you won’t accept a “no” behind closed doors when things go further. And you don’t want to be That Guy, do you?
Remember that women do not owe you anything. Just because you complimented her hair doesn’t mean she owes you a conversation. Just because you bought her a drink doesn’t mean she owes you her phone number. What differentiates a real compliment and nice gesture from harassment is that compliments do not come with an expectation attached to them; they’re done out of the goodness of your heart.
Put yourself in her shoes. If you’re a man, chances are you’ve never experienced the reality of walking down the street and being harassed on a daily basis. And maybe you aren’t one of those guys that harasses women on the street (and if you are, stop it now). But she has no way of knowing that. And because women never know who might harass them and who won’t, it’s often for safety and protection that they are skeptical of any guys that approach them in public space.
If you’ve never tried it before, imagine what it would be like to have people interrupt your day with unsolicited comments and verbal harassment on a regular basis. Or ask a female friend or relative if she’s ever experienced street harassment and really listen to her answer without judgment or arguing. Keep that perspective in mind when you’re out and about.
Don’t take rejection personally. Chances are, it’s not about you! Maybe she’s had a bad day or she just doesn’t want to be approached by a stranger while she’s out. She’s entitled to that, in the same way that you’re entitled to decide who you talk to and go out with. It sucks to feel rejected, of course, but it won’t kill you.
Getting angry with a woman when she turns you down or doesn’t want to talk can be scary and threatening to her, and if that’s not the kind of guy you want to be, swallow your pride and vent to a buddy over a beer later instead of taking it out on her in the moment.
Maybe don’t. If you’re unsure if you should approach a woman when you’re on the town, it’s best to err on the side of caution. Ask yourself why you feel the need to approach someone you don’t know to tell her how great she looks. If you’d really like to find someone to date, try online dating! That way you know that the people on the site are open to being approached (though many of these tips for respectful interactions apply to online space, too).
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The truth is, women aren’t out to get you and we’re not playing hard to get. We’re just people who, above all, want to be respected. If you keep that at the forefront of all interactions, they’re much more likely to be positive. It’s hard to convince a woman that you’re worth dating if you can’t even bother to treat her with respect during your first interaction.
And trust me, there’s nothing hotter than a guy who respects my autonomy and desires, and I know that most women would agree with that statement.
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Photo: Flickr/THOR
I know women don’t owe me anything. I know I don’t deserve an explanation why they turn me down. And I know it’s not supposed to be anything personal. But I just wish I knew why I keep messing up. I try to be polite and positive, but they always end up looking at me like I’m crazy after all I said was “hi”, or running from me instead of walking when we part company. And it can’t just be because they’re all just mean, that’s too much of a coincidence. It has to be because of me. Am I… Read more »
Well I don’t do any of the things you described. In fact I don’t approach women to begin with and I want women to approach me themselves, precisely in order to avoid making them feel uncomfortable. Yet for some reason women don’t approach me — AND they use the body language you described (speed up the walk, cross the street when i walk by, etc). So why is that? What is it about my body language that makes them do that? What is the most ironic is that when I complain about it over facebook I am told — by… Read more »
Thank you Britni for your very helpful article, I have a lot to learn about respecting a woman’s personal space and being patient for, and appreciating the few opportunities I DO get to interact with women. I need to become more confident, secure in myself and get my life together so I have something substantial to “bring to the table” anyways, so I have made a copy of this article so that in the future I can do better. Thank you bringing me closer to what is reality and a need to become totally secure in myself as a man,… Read more »
Thank you for your very helpful article, I have a lot to learn about respecting a woman’s personal space and being patient for, and appreciating the few opportunities I DO get to interact with women. I need to become more confident, secure in myself and get my life together so I have something substantial to “bring to the table” anyways, so I have made a copy of this article so that in the future I can do better. Thank you bringing me closer to what is reality and a need to become totally secure in myself as a man, and… Read more »
Ok responders before me. Don’t listen to good advice from a woman, and continue to strike out with girls. You really are doing it wrong. Most of you. Take the advice. You’re not always right. You are obviously angry with women.
It might help to learn and practice respect. Britni is helping you.
I thought this was an excellent article, although as someone with Asperger’s Syndrome, I’m approaching this material from a distinct perspective (see https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/dating-aspergers-mrzs/ or http://www.salon.com/2015/03/02/dating_with_aspergers_a_new_documentary_follows_a_lonely_aspies_search_for_love/). It provided concrete and specific examples of which verbal and nonverbal social cues indicate a lack of interest, which I suspect can be instructive for anyone who’s dating and not just those on the autism spectrum. As for the negative feedback on the message board… Frankly, I can’t explain it. None of her observations deviate from either my own experiences or what others I know have discussed with me and her tone struck me as… Read more »
So, you’ve told me what I’m ‘doing wrong’, how about making some constructive suggestions about how to do it ‘right’? Any ideas on that, Britni?
“Why do you think it is that the tables are so infrequently reversed, that women don’t often approach random men to flirt? Ask yourself what she stands to gain from the interaction before proceeding.: Because women in general still are pretty lazy at asking men out, and don’t need to if men are still approaching women? This isn’t rocket science. “Or ask a female friend or relative if she’s ever experienced street harassment and really listen to her answer without judgment or arguing.” I listened, they said no, I judged it strange (I’m sorry) because of articles like these that… Read more »
I was going to write a similar response to this, then I realized I didn’t have the energy. The wording was so problematic and discouraging towards men you could tell the author did not give a single care about giving dudes legit advice. Instead she opted out for generalizing that you must be terrible dude and don’t say dumb things. As if most would, ridiculous.
This is the most laughably condescending article I think I’ve read in a long time.
I often find these articles at odds with reality. I do Latin dancing so I know a lot of women and one of their biggest complaints is wondering where all the good men have gone. Ironically they fall for the guys who don’t follow a single item in this article. The men who respect boundaries and treat women with respect often go for months sometimes years without a date, and not for lack of trying. And yet these are the guys who naturally follow the items in the article.
I don’t have a point here, just an observation.
Yeah, agreed, Luke. My other observation is that 75% of the article is advice on what not to do. Britni should go back and come up with positive advice that men can actually use proactively. I doubt that the best advice she can come up with is not to take rejection personally, if she’s really the expert she claims to be.
Luke you just described the nice guy!
🙂 The good guy Diego
I’m not talking about the guys who are nice because they want something (sex), I’m talking about the guys who are good to everyone. There’s a difference.
Speaking as a young man on a college campus, this kind of “12 steps” to interacting program leads to NO interaction in what used to be normal public spaces (i.e. coffee shop, classroom, lobbies in the school areas). I have not once in 3 years seen a young male approach and/or have a positive dating type interaction with a young lady in a public space. This, I think, leads to the hookup/pickup culture at the bars as this is the only place to interact that is “acceptable.” Then it perpetuates the whole cycle of “all guys are just looking to… Read more »
Britini didn’t say don’t interact in public. She suggested how to respond if the person you want to talk with isn’t interested.