Dillan DiGiovanni wonders if a guy can say “I love you” too much.
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I’ve begun wondering if I say I love you too much for a guy.
When I write a closing salutation to emails, it’s sitting right there: the blinking cursor, waiting for me. Do I enter xo? xx? Love? Warmly? My best?
How about during conversations with people, in general? Since not many people I know do it, it sort of stands out when I do. That’s been a pattern throughout my whole life, it’s nothing new, but it’s making me wonder how much is appropriate. What is ok to express to fellow bros and dudes, especially given the extreme gay panic and homophobia that pervades our culture? What about with women or folks who identity outside the male/female binary? I’m working this one out, especially as relationships in my life evolve and change, and I keep coming up against it so I figure other people are, too.
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I’m noticing when I say it, more than negative backlash, is how people lean into my expression of concern, care and mutual affection and appreciation. It happens in person. It happens on instagram. It happens via email and text. More often that not, people reciprocate the expression. In a love-starved society such as ours, it seems people are thirsty for connection, as quoted by the character, Graham, in the movie CRASH, “It’s the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We’re always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.”
I agree and I feel like all we want is this strong connection, but we feel like we have to keep the fists up to keep us from being vulnerable or perceived as such. I feel this especially when I interact with other men. What I’m finding incredibly beautiful and tragic, is the amount of emotion beyond the smallest exchanges. Because I consider myself a highly sensitive person, I feel attuned to energy on a sensory level. I used to think there was something wrong with me, but when I check it out with other people, I end up being right. I am noticing so much behind eye contact, body language and posture and what comes through is a yearning, a desire to connect.
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This was explained brilliantly in a December article in Time, titled What Boys Want by Rosalind Wiseman. It really got me thinking about this and noticing nuances in my interactions which left me wondering, what the heck would happen if we all started saying “I love you” a bit more? What if men took the fear of the explicit sexual part out of it and really expressed the gratitude, connection, appreciation and affection we feel inside? What ailments would drop away? What issues would be resolved? What would be possible if we expressed this thing many of us seem to feel, this thing that is part of being human?
I consider this in my platonic interactions with women, too. What is appropriate expression compared to inappropriate, given our respective relationship situations? One of the weirdest things I experienced this year, was a woman who had been a friend for some time telling me we could no longer meet up to hang out because her boyfriend wasn’t comfortable with it. It occurred to me as so weird, because there was absolutely no expression of anything romantic in our exchanges. We just had ‘coffee talk’ a few times. Romance wasn’t even implied, not even remotely. We had been acquaintances before and had lost touch but then met up a few times to discuss experiences with a former mutual boss as well as current life changes. Then, she dropped off the radar. When I followed up, she announced this news and I was sort of dumbstruck.
In interactions with my female friends, partnered or not, do I need to hold back more? It is ok to tell them how much they mean to me and how awesome they are? Is it uncool or not masculine enough to keep my feelings and thoughts under wraps?
I ask these questions from a philosophical or theoretical perspective, not because I have any intention of changing my behavior anytime soon. I am still going to go with my gut, even if it isn’t met with success. When a friend contacted me recently about his experience at the police academy, I offered him the opportunity to talk a bit about it. He replied, “guys don’t vent”. I wanted to write back, that I was concerned about him and want to hear more about his experience. But I didn’t. I just wrote, “ok”.
Next time, I won’t just write, “ok”. I’ll write, “ok. Some guys I know do. Good luck and I love you!”
I’m curious what he’d say or do. What experiences have you had with this?
—Photo Bohman/Flickr
Follow me on Twitter @DillanDigi
Find more at www.dillandigi.com
It’s Saturday and I’m leaving soon to go to my men’s group meeting. The last three weeks, men have been disclosing information about their life’s journey. To now, 12 men including myself have told their stories and there hasn’t been a man who at some point didn’t break down. Last week the gentleman sitting next to me broke down and I have to admit, it took considerable thought before I put my hand on his shoulder. My instinct was immediate but I hesitated. I should note that this men’s group isn’t what you would think of as a “support” group… Read more »
Tom, thanks for sharing so honestly about your hesitation. That’s exactly what I/we are all talking about. What are we doing in this society that causes you and so many others to feel and act from hesitation? I really love that your instinct was to offer support and connect physically and it’s so great of you to share that with us. It leaves us all with these great questions of why you hesitated and what would have happened, what could you have created in that moment, by freely providing that support that felt natural to give? Great stuff, Tom. And… Read more »
Hi Dillon, Loved this! Thank you for being so open in writing it… and I hope you don’t hold back with anyone! I feel the same way as a woman sometimes, especially in interaction with my guy friends – but even sometimes with my gal friends. Expressing love and deep appreciation for someone and what they mean to your life is something I feel we should ALL do more! I do have some friends that are comfortable with my love and appreciation and some who are not – I do respect the ones who are not and do hold back… Read more »
Hi Ali! Thank you for such a great reply! I think there are people who feel comfortable expressing love and gratitude at different levels and in different ways. I’m learning that, for sure. Something else I was taught was how love wasn’t real unless it’s expressed—when it’s shared it makes all the difference than it just being a feeling that’s felt. I’m still working on whether I believe that or subscribe to it, but in the meantime I will keep expressing it as much as I can! High-five!
Thanks so much for your kind response Dillan. It was funny, in an ironic way, about your post being here today and the whole concept of men touching each other, other than the traditional hug sorta thing, and the slap on the back or the more formal handshake. Those are as good as it gets for guys. What was funny was that the comic Zits today, which I think is a great comic of the life of a 16 year old boy, was he and his friend Hector who are best buddies, andd both have girlfriends, so no unknowns there,… Read more »
Dillan, Thank you! In today’s society people are comfortable being uncomfortable, afraid to express themselves and live in fear of judgement. Those of us who are wiling (and do) to connect (in my opinion) live healthier, happier lives. After my divorce I asked my sons (10 and 12 at the time) if I told them “I love you” too much, not enough or just right. They replied “just right”. I encourage them daily to express themselves and tell them its okay to cry, kiss and love AND when they feel that way they should say it! I’ve always noticed how… Read more »
Amy! Thank you so much for such a generous and loving post. It struck me as brilliant that you asked your sons what felt good for them. And I wonder how often THEY verbally express their love for you and each other? Something I didn’t mention, which would be a good follow-up, in the importance of the different ways people express their love. This post focused on just what you expressed: how much of a struggle it is for people, but especially men because that’s the focus of this website, to feel safe and comfortable saying, “I love you”. The… Read more »
Dillan, you said ” ……He replied, “guys don’t vent”. I wanted to write back, that I was concerned about him and want to hear more about his experience. But I didn’t. I just wrote, “ok”.” I’m curious about this situation specifically as to why you didn’t probe more?
Tom, great, great question. I was totally afraid of him. I was afraid of what he was implying when he said that, that somehow my maleness or masculinity was in question. In fact, I may have expressed that and I think he said something like, “no, it’s ok” but didn’t really take me up on my offer to talk more. And then I felt embarrassed for taking it even further. I hurt for the amount of men who stay silent because they think they have to when there is so, so much to say. I also hurt for the partners… Read more »
I think the crux of this, Dillan, since you’re speaking about guys saying I love you more to male friends, is what you said about the pervasive gay panic and homophobia this culture has seemingly got itself locked into, and can’t seem to let go of. Where and how this came to be I really don’t know. Maybe it was as more publicicity came out then people were afraid that what was not spoken about before was now a distinct possibility that those who I thought were straight, might nor be, so therefore I’m not gonna risk it to either… Read more »
Mark, what an excellent insight–you definitely got what I was expressing. I don’t know when the extreme homophobia began either, perhaps we will attract the attention of a celebrated expert who can weigh in here. As our society changes, being anything but cisgender and heterosexual is becoming more widely accepted. But it’s taking a long time. I was glad to read your words and I hope you feel inspired to express yourself more fully and openly. Perhaps as more men, no matter their identities, express love openly, it will help move our culture even further along until it’s the standard… Read more »
I believe- and this is my opinion- that once Europe and later the U.S. adopted the Greek/Roman ideology of Politics and Law (though originally such perspectives and whatnot came from Egypt, even Aristotle, Homer, Plato and others acknowledge this), the Bond(s) of Brotherhood and caring for the Fellow Man the same way they (Greeks/Romans) cared for Women were parts that they deemed Inappropriate or “Beneath Strong-Willed and Independent Men”. The Statues of Greeks and Romans that exist in museums that folks marvel at (and joke about) show Men in close proximity, hugging and caressing one another. How that turned into… Read more »
J. I totally agree with you. Thanks for sharing this helpful history. I think it’s always a bit helpful to understand how things came to be so we can better understand how to untangle them, you know?
Quick nerd outburst here: You asked how the definitions of ‘faggot’ and ‘homosexual’ became intertwined. I don’t remember the source, but here goes. As y’all might remember, a common medieval way to execute heretics was by burning at the stake. Usually, the victim was dead by smoke inhalation before the actual flames reached them. And y’all prob. know that faggot is a synonym for sticks or kindling. So, for folks that were convicted of being gay, their penalty was to become kindling for the others being burned at the stake. Instead of the relative mercy of death by smoke inhalation,… Read more »
That etymology of faggot is total mythology. Faggots were the boys in unisex environments who were assigned service work that would usually be done by women in a mixed environment. The drift over from there to homosexuality follows an arc that a lot of our words are taking. Pussy is a form of the Latin word for toddler. No sexual reference at all. Not being a pussy meant growing up. Period. It was someone small and soft and huggable, ergo the cat, and the female genitalia. But those meanings are quite secondary. We turn the secondary meaning into the most… Read more »
Dillan, there are several hazards in expressing too much love; you’re probably wrapped in all the sincere emotions, but your emotions can water down the attraction, if you aren’t able to handle them in the right spirit. However, I second your opinion, we should definitely break the barriers of social restrictions, if we desire to introduce peace and immense amount of love in our lives.
Bill, say more about what you mean by “water down the attraction”. And what hazards are you thinking about–or have you experienced? If you feel comfortable sharing, I would like to know more. And thanks for seconding my opinion, my sense is that many men feel this way and the more we can support each other and speak out it, it will becomes less difficult to live it out.
Dillan, I’m not saying that you’re wrong. Of course, you’re right, and you made a pleasant dent on the thoughts of men, and women too… My point is, with all due respect, saying ‘I love you’ 24/7 decreases the attraction level… In other words, you appear needy when you shower your partner, or friends, with love all the time.
Bill! Got it. Ok, I hear what you’re saying. Like it ceases to mean anything when you say it too often. Totally understand what you mean by that but I actually have been practicing saying it MORE often with people and it seems to have the opposite effect of what you said. In fact, some people were signing Love, _____and then their names and I thought it was really unprofessional and way too intimate. Then I warmed up to it and started doing it, myself, and it began to catch fire. IF it doesn’t work for you, I totally respect… Read more »
Love this. Love you for writing it. Thanks Dillan!
Thank YOU, Lisa! I appreciate your open-hearted support of this message which is being expressed to and by so many men in so many ways because of this website. 🙂