Damon Young would prefer not to lose sleep over what racists say about him.
This post first appeared on Damon Young’s blog Very Smart Brothers, where it prompted 593 comments, one of which became the title of this post. Here is Damon’s article:
If you happened to eavesdrop on a random group of black people having a free-flowing conversation — and this conversation could take place anywhere; a family reunion, a happy hour, a game night, a cafeteria table, wherever — there’s a good chance that the discussion will eventually shift to our feelings about black people doing dumb shit in public.
The topic might be something someone saw on the evening news. If at a restaurant, it might revolve around a woman near the entrance who’s dressed and acting a “hot ass mess.” It might just be our hilarious thoughts about the latest episode of Basketball Wives.
While these discussions might seem innocuous and unnecessary, the need to frequently engage in conversations about cringe-worthy shit committed by people of color comes from a latent feeling that’s never actually spoken aloud but understood by each.
We’d rather not air our “dirty laundry” around white people, and we’re slightly amazed, shocked, and embarrassed by those who do.
This feeling, passed down to us by our parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles, has wide-reaching effects, as it influences the way we act, causes many of us to “code switch,” and creates a certain level of collective racial hyper self-consciousness that (I’m assuming) white people never have to adopt.
I realize that many of them (white people) don’t really “get” this way of thinking, not understanding why we’d be so reluctant to be candid and let our hair down around them. I mean, I’m pretty sure “White America” doesn’t shake its collective head in disappointment and shame whenever Lindsey Lohan feels the need to show a homeless man her vagina (again). But, a recent experience I’ve had should help them understand why many of us feel the way we
A couple weeks ago, Lisa Hickey — publisher and CEO of Good Men Media — asked if I’d be interested writing something for an upcoming discussion of race at The Good Men Project. Now, this wasn’t an out of the blue request. I’ve written for The Good Men Project before, and Lisa and I exchange emails regularly and have a pretty good working relationship.
But while I was definitely interested in contributing, I had a major mental reservation: I’d never written about race for a (predominately) white audience before.
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Yes, I’m aware that VSB (VerySmartBrothas.com) has a large and multi-racial readership base. But, the majority of the people who frequent here belong to the same demographic (21 to 35 year old African-American), and that knowledge does influence word choice and tone. I might be a bit more conscious of some of the things I so freely discuss here if I knew I was speaking to a different audience.
Anyway, I got past the reservation and ended up writing a 1000 word piece about a “racial neurosis” that many of us carry, and how it affects the way we react to things.
“The overt and soul-crippling racism that plagued our parents and grandparents isn’t nearly as prominent today. Anyone who’d argue otherwise is a fool. But, this history has resulted in a collective neurosis whose symptoms are similar to how dealing with a crazy girlfriend or boyfriend for too long starts to make you crazy as well. You start hacking into their email account just to make sure they haven’t hacked into yours again. They accuse you of lying so much that you start to wonder “Wait, am I sure that happened? Did I really go to work today, or did I spend the entire day with my mistress?”
From a race perspective, a manifestation of this mindset is you wondering if all things that happen to you are somehow related to you being black; a too heightened racial awareness that makes it increasingly difficult to discern between legitimate racism and race-based discrimination — both of which definitely still exist — and mere happenstance.”
I ended this essay with a paragraph or two about what often happens when we eat at restaurants. As many of you know, we have a stereotype of being bad tippers. This reputation may or may not be deserved, but I theorized that we might be bad tippers because we have a history of getting bad service, so we anticipate it now. I called this phenomenon “Eating While Black,” and Lisa liked that term so much that she thought I should just make it the title of the article. I agreed.
“Eating While Black” was eventually published last Monday, and it was pretty well-received; ending the week as the 3rd most popular article at The Good Men Project that week. The comments it generated didn’t really touch on the racial neurosis aspect, though, as most were focused on why Eating While Black occurs.
One commentator in particular — a guy who went by G.L. Piggy — shared a few of his thoughts as a white waiter who’s had many experiences with black customers.
“I’ve been a waiter for 7 years at a second-tier Italian restaurant. In my experience, black do tip worse. Yes, white servers cringe when they see black people being seated at their tables. But the same is true of black servers as well. This has much less to do with the amount of the tip one is expected to receive though.
These are all generalities – not all black people are like this. But racial differences in restaurant behavior are noticable. Black people tend to be more needy, pickier, and quick to anger. They take much longer to order their food. We call it “being ran”. Many servers get the feeling that black patrons are asking for extra things – napkins, ranch dressing, extra sauce – just to put us to work. They seem much less understanding about your time constraints and your need to take care of your other patrons. There seems to be, among blacks more than other races, a mentality of “I want it now”. And while the “get shit for free” mentality transcends race, blacks tend to hold it more than other races of people”
Although I found the statement about black people and “getting shit for free” a little troubling, I appreciated his candor and willingness to share his opinions. We went back and forth a few times after that, cordially debating the root causes of Eating While Black, and the discussion eventually died down towards the end of the week.
This Monday, however, I received an email notification that “Eating While Black” had received another trackback. I clicked on it, and it took me to “Not Tipping While Black” — a 600 word long response G.L. Piggy’s had just posted on his blog.
I read it, expecting to see a continuation of the discussion we had the week before. Instead, I noticed a shift in tone and direction, as it subtly started to become a critique of “black culture” in general.
“But it is ridiculous to grant poor tippers some sort of deep philosophical justification for their cheapness and/or hostility towards (white) social norms of any sort. The fact is that tipping is an American norm which means that black patrons who willingly flout it are free-riding on the rest of society.”
Curious where this discussion was headed, I decided to stick around and read the comments.
Damn.
From G.L. Piggy:
“But whenever they find hairs or plastic (at an amazingly high rate) or if their food isn’t prepared to their liking, you pretty much have to drop everything to cater to them. It’s really like waiting on infants”
From “a.nonny.mous”
“…black patrons of restaurants aren’t oriented to the bill for their food, literally because their minds have trouble conceiving it. So they get it and are astounded because they never thought “how will this steak and wine affect my future bank account” in a way a non-black would.”
From “EzE”
“Really, is it necessary to plumb the depths of evolutionary psychology to figure out why blacks are lousy tippers, rude customers? Do you really think that some alleged inability to consider future consequences comes into play?
Blacks are jerks, that’s all. There’s no need to science it all up. Also the infantile mind theory is no good, they’re not infants, they are of below average intelligence often but above retardation. No, there’s no big mystery here, they’re just jerks is all.”
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The reluctance to freely share, to have open and honest discussions about anything race-related, is basically just us not wanting to provide any opportunity for “White America” to gather more evidence to support their latent belief that we’re just not supposed to be here.
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These are just a few of the 350 or so comments this topic generated, but they provide a good snapshot of the tone of the entire discussion there. What’s jarring is the fact that these don’t seem to be unintelligent people. Many of the people who frequent that site have well thought out and “researched” theories about why blacks are intellectually inferior, and they seem to be mentally, intellectually, and emotionally invested in proving this to be true.
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Ironically, the comments in “Not Tipping While Black” actually prove why Eating While Black even exists. While they’re interpreting our “pickiness” and occasional animosity towards (white) servers as entitlement and us trying to “get over on the man,” it’s really just distrust — distrust of white establishments, distrust of white people’s ultimate intentions, etc — and statements like this “…black patrons of restaurants aren’t oriented to the bill for their food, literally because their minds have trouble conceiving it.” do nothing but fan that flame.
Anyway, I’m pointing this out because it’s the exact reason why I — and many other black people— have serious reservations about being candid around most whites. Yes, I realize that not all white people share these views. In fact, I’m optimistic that the vast majority of them don’t. But, more than enough of us share the belief that deep down, many of them do.
And, the reluctance to freely share, to have open and honest discussions about anything race-related, to “air our dirty laundry in public” is basically just us not wanting to provide any opportunity for “White America” to gather more evidence to support their latent belief that we’re just not supposed to be here.
Strangely enough, this experience didn’t depress or dishearten me in the least. Maybe I just anticipated it and braced myself for it. And, maybe the “losing sleep over what racists think about me” part of my brain is underdeveloped too.
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About Damon Young
And as promised, here is “part two” of my series addressing the issues Champ and Chuck have raised:
The Problem With Chuck Ross Isn’t That He’s A “Racist”; The Problem Is That He’s An Intellectual Coward
http://obsidianraw.bravejournal.com/entry/72606
O.
I fully understand that many of my automatic reactions in public were based on an in-trained racism which embarasses me every time it comes out. I do not have a racist bone in my body, but the culture I grew up in put it in the programming. I think the best white person in America is still 5% racist– the lower that percentage, the more we seem to be aware of it. Which is why the redneck trucker who just used the “N” word, when challenged, comes right back with, “I’m not a racist!” and goes through a justification of his statement, where others of us (like me) go, “Oh my God, did I say that! I’m so sorry!”
what % of the best black people are racist?
also, the “N” word just slips out of your mouth? even I’m not that racist. i’ve only ever used the word with irony or quotation.
It’s a mark of how far American society has come that the word “racist” is now a horrible insult, that no one wants to be labeled that way. It’s also a reminder of how far we need to go that even heads of the KKK and Aryan Nations don’t like to be called racist. Even people who are clearly racist don’t like the word. Progress. Of a sort. I guess.
Saying “redneck trucker” is racist.
“UNTIL YOU UNDERSTAND RACISM (WHITE SUPREMACY) EVERYTHING ELSE WILL ONLY CONFUSE YOU.” -Neely Fuller.
I have only recently started truly educating myself on my own racism and I can tell how recent that is for me by my reaction to your piece here – I found the racism you discuss in this article absolutely effing exasperating (it made my blood boil, frankly), while you, on the other hand are discussing it in this incredibly calm and insightful way. Obviously this is because you’ve been dealing with offensive crap like this forever and ever and I’m only recently engaging with the topic because being white I got the choice on that. But anyway, kudos to you for sticking it out and writing about this so readers like me can get a clue.
@Dude,
Oh, for Christ’s sake, leave it out, mate. You know perfectly well that your not the one who is always going to stopped for driving a nice car, and then run the risk of being arrested (often for damaging a police truncheon with your head), and then yous massively less likely to accidently die in police custody. That’s the bleeding difference, and I’m sure you know that perfectly well. You remind me of some of my eejit, heterosexual, male friends who are always saying to my female friends regarding sexual harrassment, “Well, I wouldn’t mind if a pretty girl grabbed my ass or propositioned me in the street! I don’t see what you lot are complaining about.” I’ll tell you what they’re complaining about-they have to put up with that crap all the time, and always have to worry whether said groper or propositioner is going to escalate to further violence, and men don’t. And they can’t go to the police because they don’t take violence against females seriously.
@dj and Damon,
Actually, I didn’t realise for years that I was supposed to tip the barber ( one doesn’t tip bar staff in the U.K.). I kept wondering why they kept glaring at me when I left. From over here, this whole conversation sounds a bit surreal. I used to work as a chef, so I hadn’t much dealing with punters, but as far as I could see, most people tipped according to their mood, personality, and commensurate with their national customs. Our absolute worst customer was Slabbert the ( white) South African. He was the nastiest, rudest, and most arrogant wanker you could imagine. He actually used to snap his figers at the waiting staff. Thank goodness I’m out of catering now!
I’m a Black woman who eats out at least once every day and I’m a great tipper. If my food or service or bad I let the manager know face to face rather than punishing the waiter with a lousy tip. With that being said, I have been ignored and treated rudely by restaurant servers because of racism and stereotypes attached to Black people. I’ve even seen initially nasty servers visibly change their attitude toward me when I didn’t live up to their poor expectations. I’ll also add that I only eat at restaurants that have open kitchens so that I can see who is preparing my food and be sure that no foreign or inedible objects are being added. Hatred and anger make people do ugly things.
It’s not racism to allocate your time efficiently in a busy restaurant when doing so has a significant impact on your earnings. You’re asking servers (black and white) to subsidize the lack of tipping by black people who choose not to behave according to existing social norms when it comes to eating out in restaurants (i.e., tipping your waiter an appropriate amount). The fact that blacks don’t tip well causes fellow blacks to behave the same way as whites in this regard because the incentive transcends color.
Question: Was it racism for blacks to vote for Obama because he was black? In this case, many (if not most) blacks voted for Obama primarily because he was black. Meaning: they voted against McCain because of the color of his skin. If that is not racism, how can you accuse waiters of racism for treating someone differently b/c of the color of their skin when many blacks did the same in the last election.
Another question: How is it racism if both black and white servers behave the same in regards to service for blacks in restaurants? Are the blacks then black racists?
Racism is believing that another race is inferior and treating the other race inappropriately. A white server giving less attention to blacks in a restaurant could care less about the race, he or she just cares about the tip and earning money. Same as the black server who behaves the same. The white may have black friends, date blacks, and choose to spend his free time playing sports with blacks and listening to black music and hanging out with blacks, and treat blacks equally or better in every other respect of his personal life. That is not a racist. How is that person a racist?
I suspect blacks like yourself have no clue what actual racism is . . . perhaps that’s why race hustlers like Sharpton and Jess Jackson and H.L. Gates and the Afro-Amer studies set make such noise . . . because they can manipulate other blacks for their own economic interest and quest for power, though it handicaps blacks by making them feel they are perpetual victims.
It seems obvious to me most blacks don’t know what racism is because they claim it so much. The ease with which you and other blacks cry racism in restaurants (when it may just be a lack of training or poor service or a busy night or the economic imperative) suggest to me blacks today are looking for reasons to cry racism that the word no longer has meaning. That’s why the line “ooh that’s racist” developed and has become a common joke when someone make any comment that is neutral or less than flattering about a black or something commonly associated with blacks.
@Dude,
I amn’t sure whom you’re addressing. I also amn’t sure what planet you’re from, but by feck, it ain’t this one. “… most blacks don’t know what racism is..”!? Is that supposed to be funny, or something!? Once again (says I, grinding my teeth, and speaking slowly and distinctly), you’re not the one who’s going to be lifted for D.W.B. (driving while black), or end up dead in a police cell because of it. And that’s just for starters. I suspect you need to put on more tin foil. Some of their messages are getting through.
All I am going to say is this: I was never a racist until I became a server working in a restaurant. I went to school where the demographic was roughly 30% black and 70% white and never had a problem. I worked at other places never had a problem. Serving though, opened my eyes! Here I was being discriminated against! Which means why should I care about black people now? Why should I think of them as equal if all they are going to do is “assume I am 5 percent racist.”? Black people, you got your wish. I am now 5 percent racist and thank you for making me that way. I treat everyone the same and I want to do a good job at my job because that reflects back on me. Invariably, I can not only predict what is going to be ordered (food with every substituion and modification known to man, you know, just to make it difficult) but also the fact that they are going to order the most expensive item on the menu only to send it back because they wanted it “well done, but rare.” They also order the most expensive drinks and then complain about those to get it for free as well. NOT ALL OF THEM, but about 8.5 out of 10. If stereotypes are not true, then why do I call it everytime? Why is the pattern so blatant? Why can I see right through black customers and know who is going to give me grief and who is not. One more thing: It’s the younger ones, not the older ones. The stuff their ancestors fought for, is the stuff the younger generation is destroying. The excuse of “I can’t be nice to white people because they are going to take from me blah blah blah.” is getting old. You have every opportunity your ancestors didn’t and I personally think they would kick the hypocritical racist and hateful current generation of black people in the pants.We have a choice, we can make progress and put aside the hate. I am more than willing to do that. However, if we are only going to continue the very thing you fought against, (and be hypocrites) then I am more than ready to do that as well. I was never a slave owner, I was raised that black people are people, but believe me the hostility I encounter just for being white is wearing me down to the point where I am wondering if segregation and Jim Crow would just make us all happy again.