Like all human beings, men need connections in their lives; we need to be able to share our experiences and seek support.
This article originally appeared in Rebel Magazine.
Silence and invisibility are pervasive themes in men’s lives and there is a powerful contradiction at the heart of it all. On one hand, men are highly audible and visible in our society. On the other hand, a man’s masculinity tends to be measured in large part by his ability to make his public accomplishments widely seen and heard, while keeping his inner life silent and invisible. For this, men, women, children, families and communities pay substantially. When men hide their vulnerability, rather than communicate it openly and directly, it “leaks” out in other ways that are highly destructive, such as suicide, anger, depression, substance abuse and others.
The effects of silence and invisibility are not always so dramatic. But they can still have powerful effects on a man’s life at crucial times. And this is true not just for men who tend to have trouble with emotions. I’ve experienced firsthand just how pervasive these processes are, and how they can come into play at important times in a man’s life.
My daughter was born Sept. 28, 2001, just two weeks after 9/11. Needless to say, the weeks leading up to her birth were filled with anxiety. In addition to the normal anxiousness all parents go through during pregnancy and birth, my wife and I were also experiencing the additional fear and uncertainty that affected all Americans following the terrorist attacks.
Like many parents-to-be, we attended a series of birthing classes and they continued up until the day before our daughter was born. The classes occurred in groups of anywhere from four to eight couples who had no relationship with one another except for the fact that we were all expecting a child. The majority of the time was spent on the nuts and bolts of the birthing process. The instructor focused primarily on women’s bodies and exactly how a baby made it from the womb to the world.
Periodically, I glanced at the men in the room and tried to gauge what was going on inside of them. None of them looked comfortable. Most were sitting up straight in their chairs and staring straight ahead. And I was certainly not comfortable myself. The images of a child being born were terrifying. I simply couldn’t imagine my wife’s body doing that. And if it did, I wasn’t sure I could handle watching it. When you combined this with the general fears about fathering that most men experience around the birth of their first child, it all added up to a pretty healthy dose of anxiety.
But we weren’t talking about any of that. Instead we talked about how we could be of help to our partners during the birthing process. In other words, we were re-establishing the “provider-supporter” role, and in the process, we all willingly agreed that talking about what we, as men, were experiencing was off limits. Don’t get me wrong. The process of giving birth to a child is extremely stressful for women. But I am quite certain that many, if not all, men feel helpless and concerned during the process of labor, and we are given virtually no tools to deal with it. Encouraging our partners to “breathe, breathe, breathe” only helps us by giving us something to do, and often it is of little or no help to our partners.
Toward the end of the last birthing class, the instructor divided the women and the men. All the men went into a separate room where we sat in a circle and waited awkwardly for the instructor to arrive. We weren’t encouraged to talk to one another for even a few minutes, despite the fact that we were all going through a similar set of extremely powerful experiences—most of us for the first time. So here we were, eyes shifting from one to another, not sure what was expected of us. In time, the instructor arrived. She asked us to spend about 15 minutes discussing our fears and concerns about the process of having a child and to make a list to share with the women. In the span of a few seconds, silence swept over the room.
There are three types of silence that are so common in our lives we rarely notice them despite their pervasive influence. Private silence occurs when men know what’s really going on in their lives but choose to keep it to themselves. Private silence has long been celebrated as a marker of “real manhood.” Personal silence keeps many men from even knowing what we’re truly thinking or feeling in vulnerable times — in effect, they are silent and invisible to themselves. Public silence occurs when others let us know that we should keep our vulnerability in check. Public silence is not necessarily an intentional or conscious process.
Male vulnerability in society can be viewed as shameful and, as a result, men can’t help but publicly silence one another. Our birthing instructor probably wasn’t thinking about publicly silencing us, but that’s exactly what she did. As she left the room, she said, “Really, you can discuss football for most of the time and then jot a few things down at the last minute.” We all chuckled nervously, quickly looked around at one another, and then proceeded to discuss how the New England Patriots were doing. What else could we do at that point? Then, with a couple of minutes left, one guy reminded us we would look pretty dumb if we didn’t have a list when we got back.
Unfortunately, we never got to acknowledge our real fears. But if we had, I suspect our list might have looked something like this: What if I can’t handle the labor process and have to leave the room? Will my partner think less of me? What if the sight of my wife’s body giving birth is physically disgusting to me and it affects how desirable I find her in the future? What if she is in so much pain that there’s nothing I can do? What if I fail to help her? What if I do not feel love for the baby right at first? What would that mean about me? What if my wife and baby die during the process?
These were the real fears, the silent fears. Like all human beings, men need connections in their lives; we need to be able to share our experiences and seek support when times get tough. Being part of communities of shared experience reinforces the fact that we are not alone in our struggles. But the ways we continue to teach the meaning of manhood to young boys and men makes seeking and finding such support extremely difficult for many of us.
Returning to the parenting class … My point is not that we needed to shed tears, have a big group hug and process our feelings for several hours. What we needed, and what so many men need when life gets challenging, was the opportunity to be seen and heard, by ourselves and by one another.
Unfortunately, private, personal and public silence have become so common in men’s lives that they exert their power automatically, rarely even coming into question. I think it’s time for men to stand up and be seen and heard. Not for only for our physical or financial achievements, but equally for our humanity.
Photo credit: Flickr / Nathan O’Nions
About Rebel Magazine
I don’t know if a birthing class with a bunch of strangers, apparently run by women, is the best example to use here when talking about men making connections with one another.. Childbirth, at least for most men who aren’t obstetricians is basically stay out of the way and don’t get sick or pass out. I am guessing that most men in the class were looking around and thinking “God, why do I have to do this shit? Who are these other knuckleheads anyway? And a bunch of them are Pats fans! Tools!”
Dealing with these stressful situations shouldn’t require the empathy of a bunch of strangers. This is when you turn to your friends for support. I mean your real friends, not a bunch of anonymous online assholes or the people that you are forced to share a cubicle with.
Even the evangelical group “Promise Keepers” recognized a few years ago that close male friendships were lacking in men’s lives, and it was something that they had to consciously work towards. Maintaining life long friendships with other guys takes effort and sacrifice, just like any other endeavor that is worthwhile. You might have to spend less time with the family. And any time that a new woman comes into the picture, she is going to have to deal with these friendships which are much older and have more shared experience than anything she has going with a guy, as a given. And that can be tough. The reality is that in this day and age, women will come, and sometimes go, but close male bonds can last a lifetime. If you need a place to crash, a little money, someone that doesn’t care if you call hammered at 2 AM, or someone who isn’t family to show up at a parent’s funeral, those bonds are indispensable.
I don’t really know if male friendship is something that women can understand fully. Not that men can understand women’s relationships, at least I certainly don’t. Two guy pals who haven’t seen each other for a decade or more can sit down and crack open a beer, and the years melt away in an instant. I don’t see that happening with women, but maybe it is because I have seen women get together after a long period so rarely. A woman friend of mine, after hearing me rave about the accomplishments of a buddy, said, “You must really have a man crush on that guy.” Huh? I really don’t know what that is, He’s my friend and I’m proud of what he did. Isn’t that enough?
When ever I see a bunch of young guys out and about having a good time together, I always tell them to hold on to that friendship like a rare and precious heirloom. At the end of the day, sometimes it is all you’ve got.
“I don’t know if a birthing class with a bunch of strangers, apparently run by women, is the best example to use here when talking about men making connections with one another.”
I actually think the point was less about making a connection vs how easily making a connection was shut down with the shaming language that the author described as instigating public silence.
“Childbirth, at least for most men who aren’t obstetricians is basically stay out of the way and don’t get sick or pass out. I am guessing that most men in the class were looking around and thinking “God, why do I have to do this shit? Who are these other knuckleheads anyway?”
This is a somewhat cliched stereotype isn’t it? Isn’t this part of what this site is hoping to address?.. You certainly do not speak for all men on this point.
Mark Neil says: ” …the shaming language…”
What was the shaming language?
“Really, you can discuss football for most of the time and then jot a few things down at the last minute.”
When they are asked to talk about feelings and aren’t immediately responsive (after all, it was dropped on them all of a sudden after literally no forewarning and zero time spent on them over several weeks of classes), the instructor effectively shamed them by dismissing their feelings (both the anxieties of having children as well as the anxiety given the unexpected confrontation with the question) and presuming they don’t have anything to talk about except football.
Imagine for a minute, a team sport, soccer perhaps. One of the players, a small, clumsy little kid, sat on the bench for the entire season, not in a single game. To the kids surprise, the coach says, kid, you’re in. Dumbfounded, the kid fails to react immediately, and questions the coach to ensure he heard right. Imagine for a minute the coach said “Really, you can stand on the sidelines for most of the time and then just run the field length at the last minute.”… Would that not shame the kid, dismiss him and any potential contribution? Demotivate him from even trying?
Public silence occurs when others let us know that we should keep our vulnerability in check. Public silence is not necessarily an intentional or conscious process.
I’m sorry but over time I’ve come to wonder if that last part is really true or not. It seems like (as with most forms of public silence) the people who tell us to keep out vulnerability in check are indeed actively doing it with conscious intent. I mean how dare someone speak up about their vulnerability and break the image that others have imposed on them right?
I won’t say its always intentional but I think its more intentional that people are willing to admit.
Some men and women just can’t handle the idea of men not staying silent, it messes with the illusion of men they depend on.
” I mean how dare someone speak up about their vulnerability and break the image that others have imposed on them right?” Unless you are “speaking up” around friends and family who care about you, it’s because none of the other dudes there (as per the essay) feel they need to hear about YOUR problems.
Unless you are “speaking up” around friends and family who care about you, it’s because none of the other dudes there (as per the essay) feel they need to hear about YOUR problems.
Then I read that wrong. I took that to mean that not actually talking about vulnerabilities in public but rather the public saying you should not talk about your problems period, because talking about them in any circumstance is a bad thing.
As in being against men talking about their vulnerabilities in any manner. Being against attempts for men to get together and talk about such things. Messages from a public that constantly tells men to “man up and stay silent” instead.
Danny, If a bunch of strange guys get together to specifically talk about their issues, like in a 12 step program meeting or therapy, then it is cool to talk about your vulnerabilities and whatever. That’s what you are there for. In a class or seminar as described in the article, it is completely inappropriate to bare your soul, and there is going to be eye rolling and WTF talk from everyone there if you do. The folks there haven’t met you, don’t know you, probably won’t see you again ever, so they don’t give a shit about your problems, and there is no reason for you to give a shit about theirs. If by the term “public” you mean strangers, then you have no right to lay your problems or feelings on them unless they ask you to.
Just to be clear my misconception it was not that strangers “don’t want to hear your background” but about strangers saying because you’re a man “its wrong for you to talk about your background in a vulnerable manner”.
To use your example here I’m talking about people who think that for getting together in a therapy group is a something that “real men” don’t do. Of course I agree they are not obliged to hear it but they don’t have any business trying to judge you based on the fact that you attend therapy either.
To be quite honest with you Danny, every guy I know that has attended a “therapy” session, has done so under court order. Other guys might have judged them for their substance abuse or violence issues, but they didn’t judge them for going to therapy…because they had to. Back to my original post, this is why you develop close friendships with other guys, so that they can be your “therapy” group. And they are more effective than going to therapy with strangers because they WILL judge your behaviors and attitudes, and try to straighten you out if you need that.
To be quite honest with you Danny, every guy I know that has attended a “therapy” session, has done so under court order.
I can’t argue your experiences but at the same time considering the stigma that’s attached to men trying to get professional help (for the body or the mind) I don’t think we can say that men are not judged for going to therapy. And also its not like the only reason men go to therapy is court order.
But I do get your point about having a group of guys as a system of support though. Maybe guys that don’t have such support are seeking therapy outside of court order.
If a fellow feels that they need support that they or their health insurance company are paying for, then they should certainly get it. I am pretty ambivalent about the 12 step stuff, but it does seem to work for some people, and it is free. I may have known other guys that were seeing a therapist, but they were definitely keeping it on the DL. Getting therapy is probably not going to help your professional life very much, if the powers that be know you are doing it. It will definitely NOT help you with your social life, especially with women, if they are aware of it. Unless of course it is a wife or girlfriend that suggests you get the help. I know that sounds harsh, but there it is, and no amount of consciousness raising is going to change it.
It will definitely NOT help you with your social life, especially with women, if they are aware of it.
I’ve never been to any therapy sessions (but I’ve seriously considering it lately) but it seems like they might would actually do people good in their social lives. Its not a direct effect I’ll agree but I think that there might be something said for someone who goes to therapy, get their life and affairs in order, and then actually does improve their social life (maybe even with women).
Mind you I’m mostly basing this on the idea that when your life isn’t right in one area the troubles can leak into other areas of your life. Well the damage can pass from one area to another then I would think that healing can pass from one area to another as well.
If you feel that you need the additional support that therapy can provide, by all means seek it out. The best therapy I can think of is making breakfast for a smiling woman. and I don’t mean on the grill at Waffle House either. That therapy can be extremely hard to come by, but a good place to start to find it is not necessarily in a cognitive therapy group with a bunch of other guys who are having the same kinds of problems. Consider your interests and find one that you can enjoy with other people. men and women. I have just moved to a new area, and I just got back from a cycling social event that I saw on line where I met a lot of great people. I now know about 40 more people than I did 5 hours ago. As with making good buddies, you really have to get out of your comfort zone and take some risks if you want to get together with others, and I know you do. Danny. you seem like a very intelligent, sensitive person. Force yourself to get out and about and make some connections. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Danny, if therapy helps straighten out the ‘stuff in your head’ of course it will help in almost all parts of your life (I know this from experience). What J.P.is saying is that others knowing your golng to therapy (volentarilly) won’t. You’ll be seen as ‘Damaged and weak’. (I know this from experience too). You know the drill “Stay strong, man up, suck it up, don’t be a sissy”. This is because our mission in life is to ‘Provide and Protect’ and there’s no place for vulnerability!
I’ve been to see a psychologist of my own volition. I was having serious motivation issues while unemployed, and needed some help motivating myself to create additional demo reel content (I’m a 3D animator, we need to show our work to get a job) and look for work.
I agree, the guys who are in groups that have been court ordered may not otherwise be in that type of group. Things do change for them though. Once a comfort level is attained, a lot of these guys get comfortable enough that they will open up. Also keep in mind that the guys in this setting are generally loaded with baggage. I don’t know anyone, who has some of the same baggage, be open to discussing it with others, much less when the “others” are virtual strangers.
@ J. P. McMahon
“so they don’t give a shit about your problems, and there is no reason for you to give a shit about theirs.”
I’ve known some guys who would have needed surgery to remove the stick from their butts, but don’t assume that all guys are like that. We’re not.
“I’m sorry but over time I’ve come to wonder if that last part is really true or not.”
Do note the “nessessarily” within the statement. TThat word effectively does the very same thing you did with your sentence:
“I won’t say its always intentional”
Some men are invisible because life silenced the “boy” he was a long time ago. Just as some men are silent as a defense mechanism. I teach my sons the importance of communication & dealing with emotion because it’s impossible to live a healthy life without those two skill sets. I figure it’s too late to expect a society of old dogs to learn new tricks, but I CAN rectify the past through the future (my kids).
@JP McM – Yeah, I love my friends dearly. I only have 3 but at this point those are my brothers. That’s why I turn when I, as a man/father/husband, look for encouragement & “guidance” as well as camaraderie.
Men certainly need to learn to be more vocal, especially in shared experiences. Perhaps its because we were raised to not trust strangers… I know these uncomfortable moments all too well!