Welcome to Portraits of Fatherhood: We’re telling the story of today’s dads.
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There is no better place to witness the changing roles of men and women in the larger culture than through the lens of parenthood. But rather than speculate on what and how contemporary fathers do what they do, we’d like to bring you portraits of the dads themselves. In their own words. Would you like to be interviewed for this feature? See the end of the post for details.
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NAME Dan Coxon
AGE 39
HOMETOWN / WHERE DO YOU LIVE NOW? London, UK
@TWITTER @DanCoxonAuthor
ON THE WEB http://dancoxon.com
I’m currently working on an anthology of short stories on the theme of fatherhood. If you’re a Dad, and a writer, then I’d be intrigued to hear from you.
Call for submissions: http://dancoxon.blogspot.co.uk/p/blog-page.html
NUMBER OF CHILDREN One (2nd expected March 2015)
WORK Stay-at-home Dad; part-time author/editor
RELATIONSHIP STATUS Married
HOW DO YOU COMBINE WORK AND FAMILY?
Everything changed for us three years ago, when our son was born. At the time I worked from home as a freelance editor and writer – which is a short way of saying that I didn’t make very much money. My wife had a steady job in finance, paying most of the bills. It seemed the natural choice that I should stay home and become a full-time parent once Hannah went back to work. Obviously I thought about the implications, but I don’t think I really knew what it meant to sideline my career and become a full-time Dad. I don’t think anyone does, at least not the first time around. Balancing the two roles has been tough, but I’m determined that I should still have some kind of purpose and ambition beyond being a parent. Anything else would drive me crazy.
I’m lucky that the little man still naps for a couple of hours in the afternoon, so I’m able to do the bulk of my work then. Evenings and weekends get added to that as required. It means that I have to be quite disciplined and sit down to the laptop as soon as he’s asleep, with a cup of coffee and a sandwich on the table – but I’ve got used to that. Occasionally, when deadlines are tight, I’ve had to burn the midnight oil, but not often. I’m pretty good now at making those 2-3 hours a day count. We’ve also put the little guy into pre-school one day a week recently, so that’s been liberating. It seems to have turned into a day of laundry and household chores – but still, it frees up extra hours when I need them.
Of course, now that we have another little one coming this year that’s all about to change again. I expect my working hours will have to be cut back for a year or two. I got pretty good at working in ten-minute chunks before, though, so hopefully I can do that again. It may not be the perfect work environment, but balancing a sleeping baby with one hand while typing on an iPad with the other still gets the job done.
HOW HAS PARENTING CHANGED YOU AS AN INDIVIDUAL?
Honestly, I think it’s the biggest single change that a person can undergo. There’s no doubt that life is more difficult now. We don’t have the social life that we used to have, my career isn’t what it might have been, we’re financially worse off. But I’d rate the connection that I have with our son as the single largest achievement of my life. It’s that sense of responsibility, of having to put someone else ahead of yourself, that’s the real change. Not just having to – but wanting to. I guess that’s the difference between parenting and other responsibilities… at work, or in a relationship, you’re aware of the expectations of others, and the duties or promises that you’re meant to fulfill. But as a parent it’s different. I want to look after him. I want to make his world as safe, and as fun, and as amazing as it can be. There’s a sense that you’re no longer the most important person in your own life, and that was something entirely new for me.
IF PARTNERED, HOW HAS PARENTING AFFECTED YOUR RELATIONSHIP?
There’s no doubt that it has changed our relationship, quite dramatically. We were married for almost thirteen years before he was born, and we’d grown used to having a lot of time with each other. We travelled extensively, enjoyed eating out, had plenty of time for the cinema, theatre, and so on. That all changed overnight, and it took us a while to come to terms with it. It’s little wonder that so many parents struggle with it. You have to reconcile yourselves to the fact that you no longer come first in your partner’s life – there’s a little person who now occupies that spot. But having a child has turned our relationship into something new. We’re no longer just a couple, we’re a family now.
WHAT ARE YOUR STRENGTHS AS A PARENT AND WHAT ARE YOUR WEAKNESSES?
Most of the time I think I’m very patient as a parent, and prepared to spend time talking to him and helping him. We do artwork, read books, play. My biggest weakness is probably a curious inertia that makes me want to stay in the house and stick to the routine, as if that’s all we can do. I feel it coming over me sometimes, and it’s hard to resist. We could go out more, see new places, but it always seems like a lot of effort, and sometimes comes with new risks and concerns that trouble me. I know I should be better at getting us out of the house, though, so I’m trying to overcome that. I think recognizing it has probably been the biggest single step in overcoming it. But still – when it’s cold and raining outside, the last thing I want to do is venture out.
IF PARTNERED, WHAT ARE YOUR PARTNER’S STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES?
She’s more outgoing than me, so she’s often the one to take our son out at weekends. We’ve found it’s easier for her socially too, being a woman. It’s one thing for a mother to ask another mother if she’d like to arrange a playdate with her child. For stay-at-home Dads I think it can often be the biggest stumbling block – we’re just not comfortable approaching women that we barely know and asking to arrange a date, in case our intentions are misunderstood. It sounds ridiculous, but there’s still a set of social rules and expectations that make situations like that difficult. So Hannah tends to be better at that.
As for weaknesses, they’re mainly the weaknesses that any working parent will suffer. She doesn’t know him as well as I do, because she doesn’t spend as much time around him. She sometimes struggles to keep up with his current interests (anyone with a toddler will tell you that these can change from week to week). And I think she’s sometimes the opposite of me – while I’m happiest at home, helping him paint or make something out of Lego, she often wants to take him outside to drive places or see things, even if he doesn’t really want to. On the flip side, she sometimes loses interest a little if he wants to play for an hour, or read the same book over and over again. I think that’s why we work so well as a parenting team, we’re both bringing something different to the table.
WHO ELSE PROVIDES CHILDCARE FOR YOUR CHILDREN?
He attends pre-school one day a week. This started a few months ago, and it’s a decision we made for a variety of reasons. It gives me more time to work – and occasionally a little time to myself – but it also gives him a chance to interact with other children. Once he turned two we felt that it was important for him to build friendships, and to get used to concepts like sharing and group play. It’s still a little heart-wrenching when I say goodbye to him, but I know that it’s helping him grow and develop – so it’s worth it.
WHAT IS YOUR WORST PARENTING MOMENT?
I’m sure I’ve blocked out the very worst. You have to, otherwise you spend every hour of the day questioning every single decision you make. There’s so much pressure on parents now to be perfect, when we actually make mistakes the same as anyone. In fact we need to make those mistakes, to learn and grow. If I had to pick, though, it would be the few times that I’ve lost my temper and snapped at him – usually because I’m trying to deal with a work email or make a phone call, and he’s demanding my attention. I always look back at those with shame and regret. There’s nothing in my work that’s urgent enough to warrant it, I’m usually just in a work bubble and resent having to break my train of thought to wipe a nose or find a lost Lego piece. He usually looks so sad after I shout at him that my heart sinks. No email or phone call was worth that.
WHAT IS YOUR BEST PARENTING MOMENT?
It’s going to sound clichéd, but the fact that I’m still here, still looking after him three years later, is what I’m most proud of. It hasn’t been easy, and I know a lot of Dads – and Mums – who found it to be too much. But for us it was a priority that he should have a strong family base, and that he spent those early years with his family. To have done that, and still managed to maintain a career of sorts, feels like a tiny miracle.
If we’re talking individual moments, the time that he slipped and cut his head on the leg of the dining table is probably the unlikely winner. The incident was a complete accident, and there was nothing that could have been done to prevent it. Toddlers will be toddlers. It’s easy to be a good parent when it’s plain sailing, but I think it’s in moments of crisis that we show our true colours. I like to think that this was one of those moments. I stayed calm, took control, and gave him the comfort and security that he needed throughout the ordeal of A&E (the British version of ER). It’s one of the times that I felt most like a Dad, and most proud of who I had become.
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We’re looking for a few good dads.
IF you’d like to be interviewed for this feature, please write to Lisa Duggan at: [email protected]
Please write “Portraits of Fatherhood” in the subject line.