Never Take an Ex Back to Her Old Spot

She broke up with you. Now she’s back, smiling, acting like nothing happened. Stop right there. Read this first.

Let me explain what that means, and why it matters.

Your ex is an ex for a reason

Breakups happen for a reason. That is true even when you don’t know the reason. And most of the time, the reason has not gone away on its own.

Think about why most couples split. Often it is a difference in personality. People do not change that much, that fast. So if you get back together, the same fights usually come back too. It is just a matter of time.

With very few exceptions, I do not recommend getting back with an ex. This is extra true if she is the one who ended things.

Now, I am not saying you must never speak to an ex again. What I am saying is this. If you do reconnect, keep it small. In some cases, which I will cover, don’t reconnect at all.

The one rule to remember

Here is the rule. If she broke up with you, and later she comes back, usually after the other guy didn’t work out, and you decide to talk to her again, you must never give her the same place she had before.

If she was your wife, she cannot be your wife again.
If she was your girlfriend, she cannot be your girlfriend again.
That is the whole point. End of story.

She chose to leave. That choice showed she was not loyal to you or to the relationship. Because of that, the trust between you is now broken. You cannot build a real, committed relationship on broken trust. Say it with me. You can’t.

So if she returns, and again, you are not the one chasing her, the only kind of contact you can think about is casual. Sex, with no strings. Friends with benefits. That is as far as it goes.

Why only casual? Because the closer a relationship is, the more trust it needs. A casual setup needs very little trust. That works in your favor, because you should not trust someone who walked away from you.

Right now she is not applying for her old job. She is asking for it back. People can return to your life, but they cannot return to the seat they left. That seat is gone.

Why the old seat is gone

You changed. Time passed. The breakup changed you. Because you changed, the kind of relationship that fits you now is different. The old one will not fit the new you.

There is an old saying from Heraclitus. You can’t step into the same river twice. The water moves, and so do you. In the same way, you can’t have the same relationship twice, even with the same person. The longer the breakup, the worse the old fit becomes.

When men go back, they are not really chasing the woman. They are chasing a feeling. A feeling they had at some point in the past. But feelings don’t work that way.

Have you ever gone back to a bar or a restaurant you loved years ago? It doesn’t feel the same, right? At best, you feel a soft sadness for a good time that is over. At worst, the new visit feels so wrong that you wish you had stayed home.

You won’t get that old feeling back. Not even if you get back together with her.

Two exes you should avoid completely

Even the casual rule has a rule on top of it. There are two kinds of exes you should not have any relationship with, not even a casual one.

1. The violent or unstable ex

For a casual thing, you only need a little trust. Just enough to believe she won’t hurt you or ruin your life. If she has a history of violence, stalking, or spreading lies about people, you can’t trust her that far.

This happens more than you think. If she has ever been physically violent, or done things like following you around or starting rumors, she is a red flag walking. Keep her out. I don’t care how good she looks. If you can’t respect yourself, at least protect yourself. These women are dangerous. Even if they don’t actually hurt you, they tried. You don’t give someone another chance to shoot you just because they missed the first time.

2. The ex you still love

This one stings, but it is true. You can’t do casual with someone you love. You won’t be able to keep it casual. After a few weeks or a few months, you will put her back on the pedestal. And that is the one thing you must never do.

These are the exes men most want back. Going there just repeats the same mess of instability and mistrust. Be honest with yourself. If you still love her, do not try to be friends with benefits. It will not end well.

so

If she comes back, it is probably because the other guy didn’t work out, or she couldn’t find better. A woman who moves like that is not wife material. So don’t put her on any path that leads there.

The better move is to let it go. Learn what you can. Let the hard feelings fade. Keep moving forward. It is only a matter of time before you meet someone who fits the life you are actually trying to build.

What do you think? Does this match what you have seen? Leave a comment. And if you know a guy stuck on his ex and making dumb choices, send this to him. Be a good friend.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.