—-
It’s funny the small moments that can set you off on a thought tangent that ends with me writing out a List of Things I Can’t Do Because I Only Have Daughters. This moment began a while ago when, with my girls at McDonalds, we were asked if we’d like the boy or girl toy with our Happy Meal.
“Boy toy,” I answered to a puzzled look because I was obviously with girls yet for some strange reason still asking for Boy Toys. “For both of them please.” The toy was a chipmunk on a surfboard or something and my girls wanted them. The puzzled look got me thinking, which rarely ends in fewer than 300 words.
Then, over the next couple of months, I was asked fairly regularly why we wouldn’t want more kids than just the two girls. “Surely you’d like to have a boy as well,” was the common sentiment of both other men and women.
“Nope, my girls are just perfect.”
And it was after a few of those instances (not that they happen every day but there have been almost two handfuls of times this has happened) that I said, “I’m going to create a List of Things I Can’t Do Because I only Have Daughters and see if there really is something I’m missing.”
♦◊♦
Here it is. The List of Things I Can’t Do Because I only Have Daughters:
1. Get peed on by a penis while changing a diaper.
2. Say “hi son, how did you sleep?”
The list was coming along pretty good. I had two really good examples and I was thinking about a third kid. That’s as far as I got. The rest of the list looked like:
3. Play baseball.
4. Play hockey.
5. Wear blue clothes.
6. Be happier than I’ve ever been in my life.
7. Buy toys from the Boys section of a toy store.
8. Play with toy cars.
9. Raise someone I can consider my friend and one day have a beer with.
10. Like anything performed by Taylor Swift. (Ok, that’s one I can’t do.)
♦◊♦
Funnily enough, on occasions we’ve played with Boy Toys, my girls have seemed eerily happy, as if they had no idea the toys they were playing with weren’t suitable for them. It’s as if, shocking I know, they didn’t care that adults at one point in time determined cars were for boys and ponies for girls.
Playing with Boy Toys then got me thinking that there are things traditionally targeted at girls that we were also supposed to avoid. So I started another List of Things I Can’t Do Because I Only Have Daughters. See, when I start thinking I have a hard time stopping:
1. Girls can’t play with Barbies.
2. Girls can’t play with Disney princesses.
The reasoning—I’ve heard—is that if girls do those things they will develop negative and unrealistic body issues from Barbie and will expect to be rescued, I think, by Prince Charming if they play with Disney princesses.
We’ve played with both. And we’ve worn pink. The girls, even after playing with Disney princesses show a propensity to use their own brains and do thing for themselves. And then they move on to a Boy Toy.
Most certainly our loose-reigned parenting will catch up to us one day. Our girls will want to wear jeans out in public because of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle toy or they’ll want to wear a dress out in public because of a Little Mermaid toy.
And of course, they’ll be as happy as they seem to be today because of it.
RSVP for #StopSexism Calls
What’s Next? Talk with others. Take action.
We are proud of our SOCIAL INTEREST GROUPS—WEEKLY PHONE CALLS to discuss, gain insights, build communities— and help solve some of the most difficult challenges the world has today. Calls are for Members Only (although you can join the first call for free). Not yet a member of The Good Men Project? Join now!
Join The Good Men Project Community
All levels get to view The Good Men Project site AD_FREE. The $50 Platinum Level is an ALL-ACCESS PASS—join as many groups and classes as you want for the entire year. The $25 Gold Level gives you access to any ONE Social Interest Group and ONE Class–and other benefits listed below the form. Or…for $12, join as a Bronze Member and support our mission, and have a great ad-free viewing experience.
Register New Account
Please note: If you are already a writer/contributor at The Good Men Project, log in here before registering. (Request new password if needed).
◊♦◊
ANNUAL PLATINUM membership ($50 per year) includes:
1. AN ALL ACCESS PASS — Join ANY and ALL of our weekly calls, Social Interest Groups, classes, workshops and private Facebook groups. We have at least one group phone call or online class every day of the week.
2. See the website with no ads when logged in!
3. MEMBER commenting badge.
***
ANNUAL GOLD membership ($25 per year) includes all the benefits above — but only ONE Weekly Social Interest Group and ONE class.
***
ANNUAL BRONZE membership ($12 per year) is great if you are not ready to join the full conversation but want to support our mission anyway. You’ll still get a BRONZE commenting badge, and you can pop into any of our weekly Friday Calls with the Publisher when you have time. This is for people who believe—like we do—that this conversation about men and changing roles and goodness in the 21st century is one of the most important conversations you can have today.
♦◊♦
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
◊♦◊
“Here’s the thing about The Good Men Project. We are trying to create big, sweeping, societal changes—–overturn stereotypes, eliminate racism, sexism, homophobia, be a positive force for good for things like education reform and the environment. And we’re also giving individuals the tools they need to make individual change—-with their own relationships, with the way they parent, with their ability to be more conscious, more mindful, and more insightful. For some people, that could get overwhelming. But for those of us here at The Good Men Project, it is not overwhelming. It is simply something we do—–every day. We do it with teamwork, with compassion, with an understanding of systems and how they work, and with shared insights from a diversity of viewpoints.” —– Lisa Hickey, Publisher of The Good Men Project and CEO of Good Men Media Inc.
photo: Shutterstock
Oh, so you find bindis offensive?
Tell me more.
Kids are people, too. Individuals. With minds. It’s heartening when I see adults fully realize this, especially their parents who, strangely enough, often seem the least likely to discover this. The more we do homage to the growing PERSON there, the healthier it will become and escape the bound-and-wrapped psyche too often inflicted on them (in lieu of feet) by Western ‘cultures.’
My husband and I have twin boys. We wanted another child, and when I was lucky enough to get pregnant again, everyone we knew wanted to know if we were hoping for a girl. My answer was that I was very glad it was just one, and that a healthy baby was fine by me. No one is dissing the idea of you just having girls, it just seems that “they” are concerned that you have a balance of gender in your life. They are the same people who were pushing my husband and I to have children when we… Read more »
What an awful lot of complexity folks want to insert into a sweet article about a dad who likes his kids, and appreciates their intelligence and variety of interests and passions. I admire a parent who respects his kids enough to realize that all those “things” (pink, busty Barbies, gender stereotypes) are out there, but has confidence that how he treats his children will have far more to do with their self-confidence and ability to exercise their own judgment and be well-adjusted adults than any toy they play with or color they wear. My very macho father had three daughters… Read more »
I LOVE THIS ARTICLE!!! I’m a single mom with four boys and you can imagine the pity people look Upon me with. Or the… Were you trying for a girl, comments… Right in front of my boys. Nooooooo. I was trying for four, amazing, healthy, beautiful children! I’m further blessed by their sense of humor, wit, capacity to love and be affectionate, the brothers are best friends forever motto they embrace and the pure joy they bring to my life. People need to think before they speak and stop projecting their thoughts on others. God bless those precious girls of… Read more »
Hahaha! I love how a thought sends you into a List no less than 300 words! The same thing happens to me! I have 3 boys and I have been asked the ‘did you try for a girl’ question wayyyyyy too many times. I feel a list of my own coming on now! Lol
MovieBob also made this same good point in a different way: http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/the-big-picture/8530-Pink-Is-Not-The-Problem
Hey Mike… I had ‘Explorer’ Barbie 35 years ago. (No, there never was one called that). She rode on RC cars and hover craft boats, even was tied to a RC submarine. One of my Barbie dolls even ‘traveled’ with an Estes rocket (and dangled from a parachute from a tall maple tree for a summer. Mom blamed my brothers for that for a few weeks…) One had her hair cut and got a tattoo. After two boys, my mom wanted a girlie girl… I destroyed dress pants until she finally bought me denim. It was my oldest brother who… Read more »
Great article! As a father of 3 daughters I totally agree! When I had a son 8 years after my youngest daughter (Surprise!) I was actually somewhat confused as to what to do! My oldest daughter ,until the day she went out on her own would usually greet me upon my arrival home with “Want to have a catch?” (Softball player). I remember when my youngest was about 10 and was disappointed with her ‘grab bag’ gift of a Barbie doll. She told me “I really wanted a football”.
i lovre this…we have 4 daughters.. my older gurls have played basketball aND BASEBALL. THEY RUN OUTSIDE and climb trees. they also like dolls, barbie, making food w me ans wearing pretty clothing. and im srry some ppl will disagree w me. but if your son wants to wear a pin t shrt to a playdate or play dolls w the kids down the rd..let him..
Great list! This makes me think of the t.v. commercial where dad is having tea with his daughter, all dressed in pink. Soooo cute. I agree, there’s no reason a girl can’t play hockey and baseball etc. 🙂
I liked Teenage Mutant Ninja Princesses
I loved your response of “nope, my girls are perfect” when asked if you wanted a boy. My folks were only going to have two kids, my dad’s folks wanted a boy grandchild. Their only grandchildren are my sister & I. I’m the youngest and there were no boys. I always felt like I was a disappointing consolation prize. Fantastic article. Thank you for writing it.
When I worked at McDonald’s (in the early/mid 90’s) we were instructed to use the verbiage “would you like a Hot Wheels or Barbie toy?” (or whatever) rather than “would you like a boy toy or a girl toy?” I’m not particularly into defending McDonald’s, which does a lot I dislike, but it’s nice to know that as a corporation they were sensitive of gender stereotypes. On the flip side, the toys are often offered as paired choices that are stereotypically boy/girl toys, which does indicate an acceptance of how widespread these gendered norms are. And nobody was ever reprimanded… Read more »
You’re doing it right, good job, Mike! It’s not about banning “girly” toys, it’s about making sure our children have choice and that we embolden them to choose what they like regardless of “the rules”. I will say that I don’t introduce pink, princess and traditional “girl things” for my daughter in the form of clothes and toys and I never act really excited about them (unless it’s something she made). Girls will have the stereotypes forced on them from every direction and while I let my daughter receive those things in many forms, she will learn from me that… Read more »
Great article. I would have loved to have had a beer with my dad if he were still here. Enjoyed a few with my grandad though!
And I have a boy and a girl and both always get the boys toys from McDonald’s…
I wish more parents were as open to the idea of their sons playing with “girl” toys and doing “girl” things (whatever that even means) as they are about their girls playing with “boy” toys and doing “boy” things. Enjoyed the article, by the way. Hope it puts a dent in the cognitive dissonance of many.
I have an only daughter (she’s 4) and I’m the primary care giver during the day. I go to the YMCA and they have a sign stating that children over 6 must use the appropriate sex changing room. There is a family changing room, but no showers. The only thing I can’t do with my daughter is to be in the same locker room when she turns 6. (Seems awfully young to me to leave a child alone through the locker room– but it’s the only way to get to the pool)– maybe I’ll feel differently in 2 years.
gender neutral locker rooms!
I say that’s a rule that was well-intentioned, but not well thought-through, and is just begging to be broken. Go ahead and take her into your own sex-appropriate locker room. See who actually gives a crap. If/when someone, a fellow Y member or a Y employee, confronts you about it, say exactly what you said here, “What would you rather me do, send my six-year-old into a public shower alone, or go into the women’s shower with her?” and I think they’ll see the point pretty quickly. My guess is, a fellow Y member (Especially another parent) would back off.… Read more »
First of all, unless you live in a fairly dangerous place, your local Y changing room should be perfectly safe for a 6-year-old alone for 5 minutes. If it isn’t, then perhaps you should find one that is. A school-aged child does not belong in the opposite gender bathroom or locker room. It’s just not appropriate. Besides, the point of childhood is learning to navigate life independently. Helicoptering destroys the child’s confidence in their own problem recognition and problem solving capabilities. I used to stand outside the door of the men’s room when out with my sons, and I would… Read more »
Sorry, what’s not appropriate about the human body? I could see your point if there were sexual acts being performed in the locker room, but generally I have not run into that. “Hiding” bodies as if kids can’t deal with them until their older is passing on the legacy of shame we’ve been taught to feel about our bodies. There is NOTHING WRONG with a nude body, and there is nothing wrong with a child seeing others nude in a setting that is safe for them, such as being accompanied by your parent through a locker room.
oh YES. THANK YOU ANDY. i went pale when i read “A school-aged child does not belong in the opposite gender bathroom or locker room. It’s just not appropriate.” “it’s just not appropriate” is a total lack of argument, while being righteously argumentative. you did an amzing job of replying to that andy, and i appreciate it. Eric i totally agree with kkz, feel how you feel, and communicate with your daughter so you know clearly how she feels, and then decide, but i take my 7yr old son with me when ever he wants, and if he’s in a… Read more »
How many of you have 7 year olds? My 7 year old when left to her own devices is not in the locker room at the pool for 5 minutes. Oh, no…She is in that shower for 10-15 minutes doing who knows what. Luckily, for my husband, when he picks her up from her after-school swim program, there are women there that can go in and track the little monster down. Now, we are lucky that our local pool has only one way in and out of the locker rooms, so the threat of someone taking our daughter and running… Read more »
this is going to be a big problem at our Y soon for us (a grandma and aunt) with a boy (grandson/nephew) who will not be able to come in the ladies locker room, but definitely won’t be old enough to be alone In the mens yet. and he LOVES his shower. they graciously told us we can lock the restroom that’s out near the front desk and use it to change with him but of course no shower. and when I mentioned to the head of the Y that the new ‘family room’ they hope to build for families… Read more »
I was with you til you started the strawman arguments about Barbie and Disney princesses. It’s one thing when it’s a parent who lets their kids play with any toys whenever, as you and I do. Quite another when it’s a parent who enforces gendered play, and even worse when on top of that they limit their child’s exposure to other modes of thinking. You’re going to think I’m silly, but I believe this limiting children’s concept of female gender to “pink, frilly, and living to please boys” is very like the practice in some cultures of forcing all women… Read more »
I’m sorry, what was your point here? He’s rejecting the notion that any toy is off limits due to gender roles, but because that includes playing with Barbie and Disney princesses, he’s only exposing his girls to “pink, frilly, and living to please boys?” That’s a awful lot to extrapolate from the very limited list of toys mentioned in this article. At no point did he say things things were segregated either. There was no mention of “my girls can only play with group or the other group, not both at the same time.” If you’re trying to pass yourself… Read more »
I’m confused because in one sentence you talk about how we play with any toys whenever, which is what I spend the article talking about, and then in the next sentence say I limit exposure to other modes of thinking. In no way do we enforce gendered play. I am simply making the argument that our girls can play with cars, dolls, whatever and the idea that they can think for themselves and be strong confident individuals.
Sorry, I’ve reread you comment multiple times and I still fail to see how a wild, anti-fashion doll from Australia fits into your argument…
“I believe this limiting children’s concept of female gender to “pink, frilly, and living to please boys” is very like the practice in some cultures of forcing all women to wear veils because a few men think women showing their hair is indecent.”
this was an offensively simplified comparison. associating pink frills to oppressive gender norms in western culture is an entirely different discussion than the existence of the hijab, for example, and its religious and historical significance to the muslim culture.
Why is that doll a more acceptable alternative? Why would you want to give your child a wears a bindi, has “tribal” tattoos, body piercings, and wears ridiculous clothes? Why is this sort of cultural caricature more valid? I don’t get it, and I actually find it equally as offensive. Especially the bindis.
I’m curious ho
I’m curious how a doll that comes with “a bag of home-grown herbs” is a better role model for my child?
Simply because something is a billion dollar industry does not elevate it beyond criticism.
Go ask anyone living near a fracking or tar-sands site.
The idea that something that sells well and is popular is inherently good is certainly skewed thinking.