—
I knew I wasn’t in love with her. I suppose. It’s easy to know that I knew now, of course. Hindsight and all that. But I think if I would’ve been deeply, brutally, compassionately honest with myself… I knew we were over.
But that was a horrible thought. So I ignored it. And I pretended that things were ok.
Does that ever work? Pretending that things are ok?
When I eventually gathered the courage to do it … honestly, it was worse than I even thought it would be. I’d been completely delusional in thinking that she’d at least understand it, even if she didn’t like it. I don’t think I could’ve been more wrong.
She just … broke. She fell to the floor. Her tears went everywhere. She was pale. Her face was distraught. I wanted to hug her and hold her and kiss her head … but I didn’t. I didn’t want to send the wrong message. But maybe that was wrong of me.
I felt relieved when I walked from her house, eventually. I knew I’d done the right thing. It was one of the hardest and most emotional things I’d ever had to do … but I’d done it. I’d been strong.
I was convinced that was it. That we were over, forever. I didn’t envision a different end to the story.
I also didn’t envision that I’d conveniently “forget” how to be strong.
But I did.
And here’s what happened:
1 – We stayed in touch.
This isn’t necessarily bad. Especially if you break up amicably, and both people at least understand what’s happening, even if they don’t like it.
But—if you’ve been paying attention—my break up wasn’t amicable. It was horrible. She didn’t want to break up even a little bit.
I can’t remember who got in touch with who first. I have a feeling it was me, which I’m not proud of. But before I knew it we were texting all the time, talking on the phone, sharing our little inside jokes. It felt like how we were before. When we were together.
Sometimes it made me feel sick. What was I doing? Why wasn’t I putting a stop to this?
Well … this lead nicely to my next point:
2 – We kept having sex.
Our sex life was amazing. It was definitely the best sex I’d ever had. The way I could make her feel, the things I could do to her … the power was intoxicating. For both of us.
So when she told me she missed having sex, and that she didn’t like the idea of picking up random guys in a club, and that we could maybe meet up and … see how we felt … I gave in.
I was thinking with my dick and I couldn’t seem to help myself. I sort of knew it was wrong, I guess … but she’d suggested it. She was asking me to fuck her. Where was the harm?
The sex was as good as ever. I could have it almost on demand. And it didn’t come with any other “obligations.”
Who wouldn’t take that deal?
3 – I took advantage of her.
It became clear after a while that she thought us having sex might lead to us getting back together.
I knew we’d never get back together. Ever. I just didn’t feel that way about her any more.
Also … I was getting to have sex with her without being in relationship with her. It was the perfect situation for me—at the time.
I knew she wanted to get back together … but I did nothing about it. You could argue that it’s her responsibility to ask directly for what she wants, and then if I say no, to stop seeing me. But she never did that. Maybe I should’ve just stopped seeing her. Maybe that would’ve been the kind thing to do. The right thing to do.
But … that would mean I didn’t get to have sex with her any more. And I did want to have sex with her. And I guess that meant more to me than treating her right.
4 – We got back together.
Yes. I know. I said we’d never get back together.
But we did. Because I’d forgotten that being strong is hard. I’d forgotten that it’s a hard choice.
We got back together while we were both naked in bed, just before having sex. Is that the right time to get back together? Is that the right time to make any life changing decision?
I couldn’t seem to help it. She was telling me about how much she still cared about me, and I got emotional, and I was telling her about how much I still cared for her, and that … I guess I did still love her.
She was so happy. Her little face lit up. She was about to get the one thing she’d really wanted.
Maybe it was the control I liked. The power. The ability to make her happy or the ability to crush her.
We got back together. Officially. We were boyfriend and girlfriend —again. After all of that.
We had sex. It was incredible, as usual.
After we both finished, I felt awful.
I didn’t want to be with her.
5 – I did what was easy over what was right.
It was easy to stay in touch with her.
Easy to keep having sex with her.
Very easy to take advantage of her.
Easy to get back together with her.
I knew what the right things to do would’ve been in all of those situations. I pretended I didn’t … but I did. If I’d given myself no choice but to be honest with myself, I would’ve known exactly what to do.
I did what was right over what was easy because I didn’t choose to be strong.
I chose to give in.
I chose to give in to having sex with her, to taking advantage of her, to missing her and getting back together with her.
Because giving in was easier—so much easier—than being strong and doing the right thing.
At least, at first it was easier.
But all of those things—having sex with her when she thought it was leading somewhere, taking advantage of her, getting back together—they all led to pain. Eventually.
Because they all led to us breaking up again. Well, me breaking up with her again.
After all the pain of the first one, all the tears, all the heartbreak … we went through it all again.
So … did I really make the “easier” choices? Because they only led to us going through the same pain twice. Does that sound “easy”?
They seemed easy, at the time. That’s why they were so tempting. That’s why I gave in.
But they all ended in pain.
Like–very deep down—I knew they would.
***
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You use woman and are extremely proud if it. The kind of soul crushing you did to her is sadistic. I hope you feel that kind of pain one day.
Did you never discuss why you wanted to break it off in the first place? Things need to change in order to make it work the second time.
it was like reading my own story, except that i am the other part of it. I really admire you writing about this and over all, accepting the fact that you made a mistake. but i need to tell you this: i could asume that she learned and won something with that situation. She gain wisdom, experience, and probably nowdays shes walking somewhere, proud of the love she gave to you, proud of giving herself to you, because that is the reason she is what she is now 🙂
Okay, so is it wrong to get back together again? If you break up again but still cant find another love, so why you dont just fix the mess that made you both breakup??
by this point i conclude that getting back together is a mistake, am i right? You both still in love after breakup, so Why breakup if still in love. And i just suggest you better clear the mess up to prevent your relationship from breaking up.
Just my opinion…dont take it seriously
I wished I read this article 12 years ago. I broke up with him and had breakup sex and got pregnant. I’m still with him up to this day. The are good days and really bad days. Its only on the bad days I hear my inside voice says ‘I should broke up with him and stayed away.’
I did the exact same things and ended up back with her, only to find out that she’s been seeing another guy now and that just made me so furious and mad and hurt me deep down so so much!
How can one miss and hate someone with the same ratio
When you are still being controlled and lead by your dick, your are still a boy. Once of the fundamental differences between a man and boy is that a man has the ability to always overcome emotion (dick) and do that which is right and proper. Those led by their emotions are more driven by how they feel than by what is right. It is not that a man should not have emotions. Quite the contrary. Lastly I want to say this: stop blaming your dick. Own your shit. I am not trying to judge you or come across as… Read more »
What Jules said.
I would add that we all learn, we all gain wisdom, and it is always expensive.
It is one thing to make the mistakes, quiet another if we fail to learn from them. Right?
Everyone is entitled to their opinion. With that said, Jules: “I am not trying to judge you or come across as high minded but…” Well sir, you are being judgmental and high-minded. First, I responded to this article because it moved me. It moved me to WANT to change my behavior. In my opinion, I think that alone is a WIN. Second, in responding and admitting that there needs to be a change in behavior IS BEING A MAN & OWNING IT, NOT A BOY! Third, whether or not you want to admit it, sex in general, a horny dick… Read more »
If a man is writing and publishing an article on a website that is read by thousands, and publicly announcing his past mistakes in the most honest and humble manner possible, I would say that he is “owning” his shit.
1. Please stop assuming that you are the definitive and infallible judge on “being a man”.
2. Please stop judging, period.
Man, its like you in my head!!! After reading your piece, I saw myself in it. I got back with this girl I’m with now because I listened to my d*&k. The only difference between you and I is I told her we are just “casual”. However, I know every time we have sex, I see in her eyes she is dying to say the “L” word. She know that if she does, I’m out. I’m sure now that she will do whatever she can to keep some semblance of a relationship (even if its only in her eyes). Sex… Read more »