Why do we leave our spouses alone in a marriage built for two?
—
Dear Shitty Husband,
Yep. You.
I know what you’re thinking. It’s one of, or some combination of, the following:
- I’m not a shitty husband! I work 50-hour-plus weeks to pay for our house, and our cars, and our vacations, and her jewelry, and the kids’ activities. I love my wife and family!
- I’m not a shitty husband! I would do ANYTHING for my wife.
- I’m not a shitty husband! I fix things around the house that need fixed. I mow the lawn, and walk the dog, and take out the trash, and help change diapers, and run the kids to their little league games.
- I’m not a shitty husband! I always make sure she has an orgasm when we have sex once a week!
- I’m not a shitty husband! I don’t drink excessively, I’m drug-free, I work out, I don’t hit her, I don’t call her names and I don’t cheat!
And listen. I get it. You really truly don’t believe you’re a shitty husband. And I commend you for all of the good things you do, and applaud you for all the sacrifices you make on behalf of your wife and/or family.
But guess what?
Shut up. You’re an asshole and a shitty husband.
I don’t know everything there is to know about marriage. I might not even know a lot. But I know one VERY important thing: I’m an asshole. And I was a shitty husband.
On Easter Sunday of this year, my wife took her ring off after nine years of marriage and informed me she was leaving.
It hurt. It took my breath away. It frightened me.
But I wasn’t shocked.
Because we (husbands) have an awful lot more control than we think we do.
And all of us—male and female—need to accept more responsibility than we do for our circumstances.
And that’s what I’m going to do now. Accept some responsibility.
The question on the table today is:
Had I been the husband I was supposed to be during the beginning and middle years of our marriage, would we ever have gotten to the point where my wife was looking elsewhere for inner peace and happiness?
She most definitely sucks for ending our relationship the way she did. She doesn’t get a free pass for that.
But this is where I have to take responsibility—at least part of it—for the position in which I find myself.
I was NOT a perfect husband.
I’m not even sure I was a good husband.
I loved her. I was kind to her. I wanted to make her happy and win her approval. I wanted to take care of her and provide for her. I went to work every day for her. She gave me purpose. I wanted to be with her forever.
But I was an asshole. A selfish one. And while I truly believe I redeemed myself during the final two years of our marriage, when I was growing and she was withdrawing, I was a shitty husband for the seven years prior.
Watching the Masters
I didn’t know it at the time, but four years ago, a defining moment in my life happened during the Sunday final round of The Masters golf tournament—generally considered to be the most-popular golf tournament of the year by American golf fans.
Living in Ohio, that general time period around Easter and The Masters is when you can count on the weather to break and really give you some beautiful days.
My ex-wife absolutely loves being outside. She grew up in the country, and sitting inside on a beautiful day is not her idea of a good time.
So, inevitably, it was gorgeous outside during the final round of The Masters. Our son was not quite a year old. And my wife wanted us, as a family, to go enjoy the weather together.
Go hike in the nearby national park.
Go to the zoo.
Go to a metro park trail.
Sounds pretty reasonable, right?
I think so.
But on that particular Sunday, without the benefit of failed-marriage hindsight? It sounded perfectly unreasonable.
It went something like this:
Me: “Babe. I’d really just like to watch my favorite golf tournament. This only happens once a year.”
Wife: “I can’t believe you want to sit inside on a such a beautiful day. You don’t want to go do something nice as a family?”
Me: “I don’t want to sit inside on a beautiful day—I kind of wish it was raining—and of course I want to do fun things together, but again, this golf tournament happens just one weekend a year. And that happens to be today. I’d like to watch it. I’m sorry.”
This all hit me a few months ago during the Masters. It was on TV at my house. But nobody was home. She’d already left. My son was gone. I was there. I was awake. But I wasn’t home.
I’m tempted to look up who even won the damn golf tournament this year. Because I truly can’t remember. Maybe Justin Rose or Adam Scott. But honestly, who cares?
I chose The Masters over a perfect Sunday afternoon with my wife and son.
And guess what, Guy Who Thinks That Sounds Perfectly Acceptable?
You’re an asshole. And a shitty husband. Just like me.
I committed marriage’s worst crime, after all the obvious stuff like cheating, and abuse, and the like.
I left my wife alone in our marriage.
It looks a lot like that Masters Sunday four years ago.
It’s what it looks like when she stays home on a Friday night to take care of the kids and do chores and watch Desperate Housewives alone on the couch while you’re out with the boys.
It’s what it looks like when she invites you to bed during Monday Night Football, but you’re too busy monitoring your fantasy football team to join her.
It’s what it looks like when she asks you to join her for a family function at the in-laws, and you decline so you can watch a movie at home alone, or sit around playing video games, or playing golf, or playing poker.
It’s what it looks like when you go to a party and you spend all of your time drinking and laughing with your friends, and never once squeezing her hand, or whispering in her ear how gorgeous she looks, or making eye contact from across the room and mouthing the words “I love you.”
It’s what it looks like when you leave the hospital to get a good night’s sleep the day your son was born even though your wife is begging you to stay.
It’s what it looks like when you don’t acknowledge all of the many things she carries every day so that you don’t have to—managing schedules, and the household, and buying gifts for birthdays and weddings and graduations, and keeping the house clean, and a million other things I’m STILL too fucking dense to recognize even though I’m still picking up the pieces in my now-empty home.
The hardest lesson I’ve ever learned is that you can have all of the good intentions in the world. You can be kind. And charming. And willing to sacrifice.
And it can STILL break.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
I’ve heard that proverb my entire life and I never really knew what it meant until now.
You know, it’s funny. I could have just DVR’d the fucking Masters.
And you can too.
We’re broken people. We’re shitty husbands.
But gentlemen—we don’t have to be.
~~~
Photo: Brady Hsu/Flickr
This originally appeared on Must Be This Tall To Ride.
What a wuzz! She didnt leave you because of the masters! She left you cause you manage to write something like this utter utter crap!
Absolutely correct! I suggest this guy read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy!
There is a wake-up call for all couples to be made, both husbands and wives; you both have to put in the work, 110% for each other. If you have been a sh*tty husband or wife, only you can make changes in you, only you put in the work to be the companion they deserve. For any wives or husbands who see real struggle to improve from their spouse, it is harder for some of us than others. Some of us have farther to go to be the person we know we can be for you. If you value your… Read more »
This lightened my mood a little. Funny about The Masters. We had the same issue. Its refreshing to hear it actually come from a man that I wasnt crazy forvfeeling hurt everytime he would decline due to golf things on tv or jyst be generally selfish and ungrateful for what he had
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I have been trying so hard to communicate and let my husband know what bothers me. But he keep getting mad and telling me that I am “Nagging” and like most men commenting above, chooses denial and childish blame game. I have been contemplating divorce and we are seeing a marriage therapist now. Years of loneliness and dissapointment finally did it’s harm and now that with the help of the therapist, he is trying to change, I am afraid it is too late. I lost every little piece of love I felt towards him.… Read more »
So, “never” apparently can have an expiration date. Our vows to never leave me, walk out on me, or put another person before me, or our kids, all turned into lies. I believe everyone has their cut off point when it comes to not being put first.
The only saving grace, Julie, is that it can validate women that were married to this type of man, so that they do not feel lone (terrible feeling). As I stated, the rabbit hole usually goes much deeper then one will admit, and though I believe that his idea of swatting a fly with a nuclear weapon is just more extremism…it is good to see at least that.
I validate you also. I’ve seen it.
Men, they will always find a reason to paint you as shifty – you marry them at your own risk and folley, and nearly always your financial ruin.
Signed shitty whenever I want to be, perpetual bachelor – Come to MGTOW, there is no mancave – the whole house is ours.
Yeah, all the woe’s of the world are caused by men.
Seems to me you have a lot of anger and guilt to work out. No, you’re not perfect, you weren’t then, and you aren’t now. But you learned from that experience, and you learned to change. This is good. But do not presume to tell me who and what I am as a husband… or any man for that matter… you are not us.. you are not involved in our relationships… you have no right to judge me or any other man from your perspective. You have not earned the right to judge me…. only I can do that. I… Read more »
Being divorced from a good provider and a nice guy but a shitty husband.. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing this piece! I never got (and probably never will) the piece where he took responsibility for leaving the marriage by leaving me alone. Just like you, I’m not perfect and I did things that made my marriage hard but I apologized and tried to right my wrongs. When I didn’t get the same respect in return it added so much more pain and anguish to an already soul sucking situation. The healing has been and… Read more »
Communicate and compromise. I think if you always subordinated your desires to your wife as implied in the article with the laundry list of choosing your activities over hers, you’d still be in the same boat, broken marriage. The difference would be that you would feel taken for granted.
Wow. I get your point and I can see some of that in my failed marriage. What I don’t get and what I am getting really tired of is how it’s ALWAYS the man’s fault. Women leave because we’re shitty husbands! No… My ex was a shitty wife! And thank god she left me for another man, who after just a year is working two jobs to support her and her crappy decisions! Yeah there are some things you’ve mentioned that I did for sure. I took her for granted, but you know what!!? She took me for granted too!… Read more »
It would be nice if, once in a while, there was a “Letter to the Shitty Wife” on GMP but that’s never likely to happen. The best we can do is continue calling women out on their own shitty behaviour and stop excusing it.
Yeah its’ sad indeed – you never wanted to become that person , but you did. Life took over and all you can think about is how can I pay this months’ mortgage. You are completely stressed out and your life becomes so routine. Over time you eventually fall out of love and now you are down to a marriage contract and pooling your money together to pay the monthly necessities of life. You lose the love and the laughter and that spark that put you together in the first place. I don’t have the answers , and I cannot… Read more »
Truth. You speak the truth.
In my time discussing issues with men I’ve found something rather peculiar with those that were in recovery of some sort. They seem to, at once, discover that after a session or two with a therapist, where they were finally held accountable, they ramble off in the exact opposite direction with equal fervor, still not getting it. Its as if they actually have it all figured out, become an expert on the issue and gain a Ph. D along with the driving need to help the world recover. I’ve seen it with drug addicts, abusers, alcoholics, and even the “Born… Read more »
It doesn’t actually say anywhere that the Masters was a breaking point or particularly disappointing moment for his ex-wife… Rather, the Masters is significant to him, because it recalls a very specific memory where he let her down. To her, it may have just felt like “business as usual” – and according to the author, that was more or less the case.
I presume you did nothing with your wife and kids? That’s sad.
That is sad. However, I really am not comfortable calling men who want to watch the Masters selfish assholes. Even though I don’t even like golf. If you’re communicating and taking care of each other there is room for family time, self time and us time.
Whether or not the author intended it, I think “the Masters” is probably best viewed as an example of repeatedly putting one’s own desires first. I’d imagine that for the ex-wife it was just another instance of disengagement.
I’m confused about what sucks re: her “ending the relationship the way she did”. Maybe it’s not “conscious uncoupling” but divorce tends to suck in general. In the scheme of the things that’s a pretty humane way of initiating it.
“I’m confused about what sucks re: her “ending the relationship the way she did”. Having seen a similar exchange between a wife and husband in that case where she tries to justify having an affair, I suspect that it’s because when he finally realized that she was unhappy as the husband I spoke with did (He wanted her to end the affair and go to couples counseling), and was willing to do something to fix it, she wasn’t. She should have worked on the marriage (explained to her husband how she felt, asked or at least gone to marriage counseling,… Read more »
@ See Dubya … I was fishing. Something just doesn’t feel right.