“How often do other women give you a bone?”
Note: “Bone” means “boner” aka “erection”
Note 2: We both laughed at the question, at the honesty of it all.
The other day my fiancée asked me this question. It was actually sparked by Tom Matlack’s A Dozen Questions for Men and my absolute belief that men are not biologically driven to be monogamous. We also spoke of the “Are all men on a spectrum from homosexual to bisexual to heterosexual?” and we realized we had a much different opinion due to our living for six months in Bangkok – a place that embraces ladyboys, open sexualities and mixed genders – as opposed to spending our previous 25 years in central Pennsylvania.
“Often, I guess,” I answered. “Honestly, sometimes I’ll walk over to the grocery store just to grab us something for dinner and I’ll see a woman and I feel a little something down there. But no matter how devoted I am to you, no matter how committed, other women still give me a bone. This is how I know it’s not that my moral compass is broken, it’s that I’m a product of my biology.”
“Well, are there certain triggers? Certain types of women or things that they do that turn you on?” She paused. “I want to know because I want to do more of those things.”
“I don’t know,” I said. “Sometimes it’ll be heels or a skirt or hair or a smell or even just a women confident in herself. Sometimes, more often than not, I think, these things trigger something but then it continues with thoughts of our sex or your sexiness.”
“Well, how do you stop a bone? I mean, when you feel something down there how do you stop it so it doesn’t get full?”
“I think of my old obese grappling coach’s belly.”
“What?”
“Yup. I think of his disgusting rolls and how he must have to lift them just to clean the cheese that grows in between them.”
“Oh my gosh that’s gross!”
“That’s the point. It works!”
“Haha! Well, next time we are out can you show me who?” she said.
“Of course. But I’ll be with you so it’ll likely be from you.”
“Well, like, look around. Pretend I’m not there.”
“Okay, I’ll try.”
The openness and honesty of the conversation is one that still has us laughing. The next time we went out and she noticed a women society typically deems sexy – all done up, painted nails, loads of makeup, a tight dress – she looked over at me and nodded for me to look at this women.
“No way!” I said. “That’s what society says gives men bones. That might work for some but not me.”
“Good!” she said. “We’re learning together. This is awesome.”
The next day she brought this discussion up to her friend. “Cameron admitted he gets a bone from other women. I asked him and he was honest about it.”
“Doesn’t that piss you off? Ugh. I’d be so pissed if my boyfriend said that.”
“Not at all! He was honest and it makes me believe he’ll always be. Plus, I want to pick up some new tricks for what turns him on!”
The friend saw my fiancée’s side and they both started laughing. “I’ll go home and ask Danny,” the friend said. “We’ll have a good discussion about it.”
Now when we’re out she’ll look over at me, nod her head toward an attractive woman and say through a smile: “Bone Appétit?”
—Photo fitri.agung / Flickr
On Honesty:
The Paradox of Male Honesty
Tom Matlack hosts a Socratic Roundtable on Honesty with Joel Stein, Amanda Marcotte, Tom Miller, Dan Barrett and Todd Mauldin.
Ask an Honest Question, get an Honest Answer
Cameron Conaway’s fiancee asks him “How often do other women give you a bone?”
Honesty. Yeah, That’s an Action Word, Too.
When it comes to honesty, Lisa Hickey would rather ignore words and focus on actions.
The Curse of the Reformed Liar
A poem by Jack Varnell
Get the best stories from The Good Men Project delivered straight to your inbox, here.
Cameron, good for you and your fiancé for the level of safety, trust and openness in your relationship. I have had that, and it’s wonderful. Reading the comments, it saddens me at the number of folks, male and female, who cannot conceive of such a dialogue as anything other than a trap. Jealousy and lack of trust are so rampant that real conversation stops before people have even made a long term commitment. Bringing awareness of attraction back to your own bed keeps the energy alive. I think it further reassures a flesh and blood human that our partners aren’t… Read more »
My aunt used to say it didn’t matter where you got your appetite, as long as you went home to eat.
Really? I guess I was looking for something more in this piece and I’m not sure what that was. I can’t help but be surprised that anyone would not know that their partner would not find another sexually attractive. Maybe it’s because I’ve been married a couple of times and had a few boyfriends in between. I’ve been with my current spouse for 20 years. Good for fiance for asking the question. I say more importantly good for you for answering. I’m surprised she needed to ask. It’s been my experience that it’s fairly obvious when my husband finds another… Read more »
I simply cannot imagine having such a conversation in such detail with my wife or any woman I’ve ever been in a relationship with. I’d find the whole thing horribly uncomfortable. Call it paranoia or whatever psychological diagnosis you want, but it would sound to me like a trap or a trick question. A LOT of men would only see negative consequences on the horizon for answering honestly. I’d assume that it was one of those questions that was not really looking for an honest answer, so I’d have to answer the question with questions of my own: “Can you… Read more »
Yeah, all this ‘Honesty’ is wonderful, a regular ‘Kyumbia’ moment. That is, as long as the relationship is running along nice and smooth. If the relationship should hit a ‘Rough Patch’, a little acrimony, a bit of tension, watch how quickly those ‘Honest’ answers get thrown back in your face!
While I realize that this article focuses on the male sex drive, I have to point out that women are also NOT geared towards monogamy. Just because we cannot display such an obvious physical manifestation of arousal does not mean that we don’t get stimulated by attractive men. It happens all the time, and most women admit to fantasizing about men who are not their partners. Not to mention the fact that rates of female infidelity have been on the rise since the 1970s and, I predict, will eventually level out with rates of male infidelity. It is incredibly problematic… Read more »
Yeah. Nice try. It’s got NOTHING to do with being male. It’s about being human. All this schtick about “biology” and men being “wired differently” just rings more and more like male privilege and self-justification. Scientific study over the past 70+ years shows unequivocally that women’s charges, desires, and impulses are much the same as men’s. The difference would appear to lie very much in how we’ve been socialized to behave around those impulses. And of course, stats show us again that women are JUST as likely to be unfaithful, now that opportunity is equal. So thanks for your honesty,… Read more »
Adele, notice that he didn’t say he was “wired differently” to women. He was just speaking to his own experience. I understand your position, that tired line gets trotted out so often that it’s caused a huge gap to emerge between the perceived male and female sexual norm. I reject the notion that men are uniquely non-monogomous, or uniquely sexual. That said, I think it is unfair to the author to suggest that he is describing anything other than his own experience. Also as a blogger who’s written a few revealing articles, I am sensitive to the fact that he… Read more »
I am a woman who is not wired for monogamy. In fact, studies show that women are not “wired for monogamy”. (See here for a little bit more information on that: http://www.hvparent.com/articlepost.aspx?id=1387&c=16&t=ARTICLE) You might feel you are a product of your biology but this entire article shows how much you are both a product of your social conditioning. Women are trained to “behave” and “please” to “keep their man”. So archaic. I love giving and receiving pleasure but I would never ask for a man’s “honesty” so I could better please him. Hopefully you’re with her because she pleases you.… Read more »
I had this conversation with my then boyfriend. We pointed out people that were attractive to either of us, and to discuss the factors that go into that. I think it helps a lot for understanding WHY your partner likes you. Which adds a layer of comfort.
The fact that you two can even HAVE such an open discussion is amazing and means you’re both confident in being yourselves. The fact that SHE asked YOU this question can’t be ignored. Sometimes women are genuinely curious and want to have these discussions, not create a trap for men to fall into. Thanks for writing this honest article, because I’m sure it will give a lot of readers something new to consider.
Haha. I love this, Cameron: “This is how I know it’s not that my moral compass is broken, it’s that I’m a product of my biology.”
🙂
What I don’t get is why anyone (male or female) would be angry that their partner finds someone else attractive or gets aroused! That still gets brought back home to your partner…so what’s the issue? We can appreciate all kind of other beauty, it doesn’t reflect poorly on the person we are with or mean that we want to be with someone else. Even when I’m in a committed relationship, I still notice the attractiveness of other men…doesn’t mean I don’t love the one I’m with.
Agreed. We’re all human, and if alive, not dead. Attraction is human nature.
I also don’t get why they’re pointing out men doing this as if men are the only ones who still find people outside of the relationship attractive. this reeks a little too much of traditional gender roles… i’m married and i look at other men and find them attractive and my husband does so with women. we both also comment of members of the same gender that we find attractive. i find the idea of people saying that they do NOT find other people attractive just because they are in a loving and monogamous relationship very strange and, well, it’s… Read more »
Heck yeah I look at other men and find them attractive! Women are just the same, you know! We will notice any fine specimen 😀
In reading this and the responses, I found myself wondering about basic male/female differences in regard to initial (physical) attraction. I noticed that people did not approach the subject, really. I’ve always had a relatively low sex drive, and didn’t find myself getting aroused unless it was essentially shoved in my face. That, combined with my shyness and women’s passiveness in social initiation, I’ve always blamed for the extended lonelinesses I’ve suffered. Under the traditional gender roles (that we’re hopefully escaping from) it seems to me that as a man you pretty much have to be aggressive at some point… Read more »
I think this type of conversation is great and I would expect my bf to be honest. I routinely point out which females I find hot all the time. I do it about male celebs but not ‘the man on the street’ though, out of respect. I sincerely would like to know which other women give my man a boner. Its really intriguing more than anything else and if she has some attribute similar to me yeah i’ll feel happy, but I won’t be busting my balls to emulate her. Ive asked my bf in the attract what he find… Read more »
While I like that your fiancee is someone to have a laugh with and not get jealous, at the same time I don’t see how picking out the women are appeal to you on different days help. She may be confident to point out women herself that you might fancy but when it comes to all those other women, you’re not with them, you’re with her and she shouldn’t have to learn and apply tricks to keep you interested and try and be someone else . That’s absolving yourself of responsibility of expressing your sexuality in a level. She is… Read more »
I am onboard with this, especially as it speaks to the confidence and security within your relationship — ideal. Nice to hear that it is not stereotypical trappings that tweak his sausage. My only question is, what if what gives him said bone is something completely unappealing, unarousing, even disconcerting to you (eg. complete opposite of what you are or aspire to be, even in fantasy, physically or otherwise. For example, infantilization in dress and/or behaviour of adult women)? Understand points that tastes should mesh, as you are on the same wavelength, however… there are unexpected perversions we might not… Read more »
Great article.. if you’re looking for another way to get good answers, feedback, you should try using http://www.Formvote.com , a new social network just for that. Pretty cool.
Are there any real hook-up sites where you can “REALLY” meet a woman/women??? I’ve wasted way to much money & time on “Scam” sites; I would “REALLY” appreciate the “HONEST TRUTH”. I’ve BEEN SINGLE 4 “WAY WAY” to long!!
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Cameron, an enjoyable and interesting read.
I guess I think this probably isn’t a good idea. I don’t think trying to look like women that turn your boyfriend on is great. Asking what someone wants in bed is good. So is asking them if they like an outfit, but trying to look like someone else seems off to me. Then there’s the problem of what will happen when she finds out that you’re attracted to some women who don’t look anything like her. Sooner or later this can lead to bad feelings. The other thing is the question sounds to me like maybe the woman wants… Read more »
I think about Rosie O’Donnell eating hot dogs. I’m dead serious too.
I would rather not know which women my husband is attracted to. For me, it’s better not to have this discussion.
I don’t think being open about the subject makes a relationship better or worse. The important thing is to know how much information you both want and act on that. Just be wise enough not to ask unless you really want to know.
I happen to think that its great that you guys can be this open and honest with each other. If there were more relationships like yours, without either side having to lie and cover things up, I think you would see a higher success rate in marriages, etc. I am constantly asking my male friends, questions about what they think about all different subjects regarding women, and I have to admit, it is pretty refreshing to hear some of their answers, because they are not the stereo-typical answers that we have come to expect from men, due to the various… Read more »
So obviously not married.
I with you on the talking openly about attraction and the fact that we get attracted to other people. And about how attraction and acting on it is not the same. But I’m puzzled by the need for biological-deterministic explanations. You get attracted to other women – but why tuck that under “all men are like that” and “it’s not my doing, it’s my biological wiring”. To me, that kind of explanation always sounds like trying to avoid responsibility for oneself. Not at all a man thing. Like you, I’m attracted to others – both visually and in other ways.… Read more »
Lars, Thanks for the feedback here. I see how you could see it coming off as an excuse, as though it’s “Well, it’s my biology so get used to it.” Humans need to eat, we are driven to reproduce, we are born with certain colors of skin and hair…it’s all the same. I don’t see getting attracted to other women and stating how it has biological roots as avoiding anything. It’s an acknowledgment. Avoiding the acknowledgment is where I think avoidance issues come in. And I don’t think it’s reasonable to say, “Well, I’m this way but I don’t know… Read more »