Be The Greatest Lover She’s Ever Known

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About Harris O'Malley

Harris O'Malley provides geek dating advice at his blog Paging Dr. NerdLove, as well as writing the occasional guest review for and appearing on the podcast The League of Extremely Ordinary Gentlemen. He can be found dispensing snark and advice on Facebook and Twitter (@DrNerdLove.)

Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor.


  1. Too many words, not enough straight forward “do this, or if that doesn’t work for you do this” advice.

    I really like the basic sentiment, and I read it hoping that I could pass it on to my special guy, but I think that this is too verbose and too focused on what not to do to really be helpful.

    Aren’t there enough articles on good men project about how porn teaches men the wrong information?

    I do like the basic point, and I really appreciate you taking the time to read my response.

    • Too many words, really? I don’t have a boyfriend right now, but if I did I would like to think he’s smart enough to decipher this article!! Do you really think this is too difficult for a man to follow? I think that men are more capable than what you give them credit for, and despite certain stereotypes, an article doesn’t have to be in bullet-point form for them to understand it. Smh.

      • no, but it does all seem fairly self-evident, doesn’t it? things that are self-evident don’t really need long detailed analysis or apologetics.

        but then again, maybe im just weird.

        • If it was self-evident, there wouldn’t be as many women walking around without satisfying sex lives, would there?

    • ‘Too many words, not enough straight forward “do this, or if that doesn’t work for you do this” advice.’

      Funny; when I first read those words, I assumed they were written by a man, and so was going to reply,
      “there you go: men want the plumbing directions…” But when I went back to get the quote to copy and paste here, I realized those words were written by a woman………… Martina, The “do this..” part is up to YOU to convey to your man. Sounds he might need that info…

  2. Frank Abignale says:

    It took me WAY too long to realize that wasn’t an image of a penis with a ring on it.

  3. Awesome article. Thanks.

    There is so much trashy mens advice out there but this was great. Ditto on the smash stupid porn sentiment. Its embarrassing that so many boys and girls think thats where its at.

  4. Hi Harris

    This is good advice but as a woman I can tell you that at you forgot one thing,
    How a man treats a woman when they are not in bed together also makes the difference between good lover and the others .

    Does he show up at your house and start sex after a short while and then leave , or does he give you of his time and let you share how he enjoys life.
    My relationship with a man that knew all about facts about good lovemaking and addiction to that cooked French food, had interesting conversations in front of his open fireplace in his bedroom, traveled with me to art exhibitions , run through deep snow with me in the dark night pretending we were wolfs howling against the moon, funny and silly. He shared his thoughts and feelings with me. That is good lover.

  5. sounds like a lot of work. is there any pay involved??
    make a good choice first. that’s the hardest part

  6. You Must Unlearn What You Have Learned
    Technique Doesn’t Matter
    Use Your Tongue (But Not How You Think)
    It’s Not All About The Orgasm
    It’s Not All About Your Orgasm

    You missed the most important bit.
    Does your partner have an interest in pleasing you as well, or are you expected to do all the work and all the guessing?

    • A salient point Flying Kal. Why is a man who is a good lover seen as someone who is focussed only on his lover? It is not wrong for a man (or woman) to focus on their own feelings of pleasure. If a man truly gives himself permission to fully feel and enjoy his pleasure in a full bodied and openhearted way then his partner will feel good from it too. This is known as entrainment. If a man is continually focussing outside of himself (on his partner) he will feel much less than he is capable of, leading to more of a need to push for orgasm in order to feel something. If my man is doing less and feeling (breathing) more I am a happy woman.

      • Hi Annette

        Well said. This is the main clue….
        Who want to be “served “?
        It is supposed to be a shared passionate experience , even ecstatic at best.

  7. I’m so glad this article exists. Communication is the key! Sex should be more about what 2 people can give to eachother rather than blindly following established norms that 90% of the time, don’t please half the party!

  8. This article is great – I wish this were part of sex ed. Women often feel sexually stifled, and I imagine that the good, unselfish guys out there don’t realize this and are confused. People are often criticized when they desire slow, sensual, holistic sex, as being vanilla or boring, but I think that’s a result of the porn disconnect from the senses and awareness of the other. I’ve found that when a man is receptive, paying attention to his lover, and the lovers take the time to explore each other, it’s much more intense than all the slamming quickies that are often portrayed as hot.

    • FlyingKal says:

      May I ask you a question then, Amanda?
      If women often feel sexually stifled, then how often do you appreciate and draw advantage from a guy who is receptive, patient, and keen on your pleasure as well?

      • FlyingKal
        For stifled women it can be best with a passionate wild man, not one that is patient …
        An honest expression of passion work better than patience…

    • wow, well put Amanda.

  9. Tom Brechlin says:

    My 2 cents …. I am my wife’s greatest lover she’s ever known and she is the greatest lover I’ve ever known. Did I mention that we’re the ONLY lovers we’ve ever known? AMAZING what you can do with love ;)

  10. Yes, very good article. I’m tired of articles that just repeat the same old urban legends that women want casual sex less because they need to be emotionally attached to someone to enjoy it. While that may be true for SOME women (and.. newsflash.. some men as well) it is not true for all women. The fact that we’re much less likely to cum is because we are harder to get off than most men. Each woman needs something different, so they tend to cum more in a relationship because they’ve had time to sort out what they like and teach it to their partner. I find a lot of guys will do to a new woman whatever got their last girlfriend off (and fair enough, if it worked for one woman it could work for another too) but then there’s a good chance the new woman needs something very different to get off. Hence why it’s not about learning some magic fits-all technique, because that doesn’t exist. To be a good lover you have to be willing to communicate. I would argue it’s the same for women, although men as a group may be easier to get off, there are differences between men and what they prefer and women shouldn’t assume either that what worked with their ex will work with a new man.

  11. Eduardo García says:

    Great article. I am really enjoying your contributions.

    As for the use your tongue comment, it reminded me of the best advice I was given by an older lover when I was younger. She had me read to her Sonnets while we were together. At first it sounded weird, but what the hell. Guess what? It works for all the not so apparent reasons.

    You have to slow down, be more gentle, and attentive. Sonnets can’t be read like a Hard Core Rock song. Plus you are stimulating as many senses at once as possible.

    As for the comment that this is too much hard work?
    “Find something you love to do, and you’ll never work a day in your life”

  12. Pretty much everything in this article is true for me. Anyway, I do agree with previous commenter(s) that it shouldn’t be the guy doing all the work, however, the article is clearly titled, “Be The Greatest Lover SHE’S Ever Known”, not HE’S ever known. So it makes sense that this article only mentions what one would need to do to please a FEMALE. I don’t do casual sex, but this is good advice even for a long term relationship. My point is, this is a good article, and my PERSONAL OPINION is that it would be a good thing for a man to follow this advice.

  13. I SO thought the image above was something else. I actually had to view the larger version to confirm that it wasn’t a penis.

  14. N.C. Harrison says:

    The only thing in this article I even feel mildly qualified to comment on–since I’m not Mr. Sexy by nature–is the mis-characterization of the Puritans/Separatists as, well, puritans. Because I am Mr. Boring and Pedantic, apparently. William Ames considered sex not just necessary for procreation but, between a loving, married couple, as good in itself as an act of the “mutual communication by bodies” and William Gouge referred to it as being “one of the most proper and essential acts of marriage.” Heck, according to studies by John D’Emilio and Estelle Freedman (1997) up to 1/3 of Puritan women were pregnant at the time of marriage suggest that although, in theory, premarital sex was a crime in societies under their rule that–in contrast to the popular image–they were in fact a downright busy crew. It is even noted by Quaife (1977) that this premarital mischief was usually winked at with a side-eye by clergy, even when carried out by young people with no discretion at all, because it was so important in developing the strong marriages and families that they considered so important. So, apparently, in Puritan society (ie. the colonial society of early New England) sex was pretty okay unless it was imaginary sex with Satan. Which was bad. The nasty attitudes called puritan, above, are better characterized as Augustinian.

  15. Georgianna says:

    Wow! Great article. You covered everything from small frustrations to large scale problems. It is difficult to articulate these concepts to a long-term partner, but you have eloquently and succinctly written them.

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