Revising an old “Ideal Partner” list sparked realizations of the difference between conscious love and the scripted love we learn from books and movies.
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As a teenager, I was addicted to romance novels, most of which had a strong sexual tone in them. Inside the pages of those books was a world where men and women gave in to the hard-to-repress, intoxicating animal instinct despite all the naked signs of emotional unavailability and immaturity in both of the potential partners-in-crime. Unfortunately, I didn’t have Morgan Freeman in the background whispering the truth to me in his godly voice.
I learned scripted love from the books I was reading and the movies I was watching, which gave me no real relationship skills at all.
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When I was thirteen, my room was full of posters of rock stars with long hair. I wanted to marry Sebastian Bach and make out with Axl Rose. I am surprised that my dad allowed me to have those up when my brother didn’t have a wall full of pages of Playboy. But that’s another topic for another article.
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I was no different than millions of women who found comfort in the idea of a perfect man who would never make mistakes, hurt her, or act less than he could be. I confess to still finding an erotic pleasure in projecting all these aspects of perfection on attractive and talented movie stars just like I did when I was a teenager.
My pretty little head started to fill up with these fantasies. The effect of this self-nurtured brainwashing was more devastating than I could have imagined. I had not learned conscious love. I learned scripted love from the books I was reading and the movies I was watching, which gave me no real relationship skills at all.
I had no idea what people did after they “fell in love” with each other. Just like we have no idea about what happens after Julia Roberts was rescued from the streets by steaming hot Richard Gere, who buys her that fantastic dress. They were the Brad and Angelina of those days. It sure felt good to watch that happy ending. It fit the script of the books I had been reading. Yet, I had never had a “happy ending” like that. There was something wrong with this picture.
I had no idea what people did after they “fell in love” with each other.
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Fast forward to six years ago, I’d gone from 13 to 33 and I was sick of being alone, rejected and feeling like I could never experience a hot, inconveniently delicious romance that rocks my world. I decided to write a “My Ideal Partner Wish List.” I created this Frankenstein prince by composing sentences that painted a picture of someone who would sweep me off my feet and heal all my wounds.
Are you laughing yet? I am. I am now. But I wasn’t laughing then. I was dead serious.
I had underestimated how much Hollywood had influenced, and even eclipsed, my heart’s authentic desires when it came to identifying what I wanted in an ideal partner. As I was sitting in my bed, reviewing my wish list from 6 years ago, I was a little appalled.
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There was an undertone of entitlement in my wishes. They sounded more like demands than requests or desires. My “Ideal Partner” list looked as if I was ordering a custom healing balm to soothe my inner aches and pains. It didn’t look like I wanted a partner to grow with or explore life with.
On top of that, it seemed that I wanted someone who would not fart, burp, blink or ever disappoint me. Ha! If I can’t promise those things to someone else, then it is hypocritical to expect that, right?
After reading the “Ideal Partner” wish list I’d written six years before, I felt like crap for a few days. Seeing how shallow I had been, not even that long ago, was hard to swallow.
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This felt different than the requests of an unripe, wounded princess throwing a tantrum.
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Once I called compassion into the picture and looked at the belief system I was unconsciously swimming in that caused me to write that list in those terms, I was free. My expectations, thus disappointments, were based on beliefs I had innocently picked up as I was growing up. Making a new, updated list that reflects the person I am today felt like the cathartic next step. So I sat down to make a new “my ideal partner” list.
This time, the list came from a place of knowing myself deeply. I knew my openings, my unhealed buttons, my must-haves based on my core values. This felt different than the requests of an unripe, wounded princess throwing a tantrum. By now, I had had enough experiences and relationships to have a decent second draft of the qualities I need my partner to have in order not to disrupt my existing happiness and even balance out some of my rough edges.
We can’t define people by lists and expect them to stay that way all the time. People grow, change, and shed old skin at unpredictable times. My purpose of making this list was to get closer to myself by getting clear on who I am and who would complement me (not complete me.)
He is only responsible for his happiness and his choices. There is no item in my wish list that requires him to be a certain way for me to be happy.
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My old list from six years ago was about having someone love me enough for my pain to stop and for joy to come back into my life. That was my truth then. This new list was about my experience in the relationships just as much as what I had to offer to them. This one feels better. It is more aligned with who I am today and can facilitate the path of my becoming a better version of me by attracting a partner who is ideal for me.
I now understand that a partner is not a miracle cure for all my problems. He is not responsible for how good I feel about myself, or for adding a skip to my step (though the right partner probably will.) He is only responsible for his happiness and his choices. There is no item in my wish list that requires him to be a certain way for me to be happy. He is off the hook. Yet, I let myself desire what I desire.
I no longer play games, hide myself, distort my intentions or give myself away in exchange for someone’s continued attention. I may have been run down by life one too many times, but while I was on the ground, I picked up pieces of me I will never give away.
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This perspective applies to men as well. It is not only women who are brainwashed by societal stereotypes around what an ideal partner needs to be like. Sometimes we wreck otherwise good relationships by these distorted expectations that don’t really bring true happiness but an ego satisfaction at best.
Once I shattered the image of the perfect man and let go of the idea that I have to find “the one” to live happily ever after with, I started enjoying life more.
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I can now freely explore new relationships, discover new layers of my femininity by dating different types of men, and apply everything I learned to make the best of each experience. Once I shattered the image of the perfect man and let go of the idea that I have to find “the one” to live happily ever after with, I started enjoying life more.
Now, dating is more about experimenting than trying to lock down that perfect man whom I can have kids with. I can tell you for certain that I like this way better.
In the light of all of this, would it be too bold for me to invite you to review your “my ideal partner” list? You might be in for a better adventure than I was.
Photo: Flickr/Antoine K
I agree with IOW. What you’re saying is you settled for someone less attractive, intelligent, wealthy and “together” than you started looking for 20+ yrs. ago. Understandable, a lot of older people do it.
Women should be open to imperfection, because goodness knows that’s men and a half, but let’s be realistic here. You settled. I’ll revise my list as soon as men revise theirs by taking “supermodel” and size 00 off theirs. I’m a size 4, but come ON, guys. You want us to accept the imperfection in you?
ACCEPT OURS
Hi Frank, You know, I am so glad to hear that you’ve been in a new relationship for a year and you sound happy. That means one thing: You healed from the betrayal and came out shinier than ever. Scars are attractive. They show what we have overcome. Additionally,like you just shared, having a list is not a requirement to attract a meaningful relationship but knowing who you are and what you want is. The gift of pain is that it helps us raise our inner bar for and reduce our tolerance for less-than experiences. It helps us know what… Read more »
“In the light of all of this, would it be too bold for me to invite you to review your “my ideal partner” list?” Don’t think I ever had one, but I was aware from an early age I was never going to be the “alpha male” that most women seemed to like when I was younger and I rarely wanted the “hottest” types anyway. I met my ex wife when I was 24, after twelve years together (two of which we were married before she cheated on me), we separated and then divorced. When I started dating, I had… Read more »
Hi Lisa and Gina,
Great points from you both. Thank you for chiming in.
Gina, You definitely don’t need a list as long as you know yourself. I love how you tuned into the excitement of anticipation and “starting with yourself”. Right on!
Lisa, throwing away the rulebook is fun, isn’t it? Not to feed the Hollywood theme here but we all kiss a few frogs to identify what matters to us both. I call all my exs teachers because that’s what they are.
Thanks again for your kind feedback.
Banu
Hi Banu! Thank you for writing this article. I just recently wrote my “list” (taking advise from a friend that I should have one), that would look like the one you had a few years back. I did not much put much effort to it, as I was doing it while in a hellish commute to work. This shows me how this should be done, start with “myself” more than this ideal guy I have in mind. I can even not have a list, but just know by heart what my core values are, maybe by then I would enjoy… Read more »
Banu, thank you for writing such a great article and sharing it on GMP. It’s a refreshing change from all of those “X-number things” to look for in a mate. After the unexpected demise of my last relationship (after two + years, he suddenly decided that we didn’t have enough in common because my interests didn’t match his 100 percent right down the line), I threw the rulebook away. It was only then that I started seeing the qualities that really mattered the most to me — things like compassion, kindness and good problem-solving skills. Values-based traits that go the… Read more »
Hi Dave, You’re right, it’s the few major things that make the biggest difference. And knowing what they are takes awareness and an intention to truly know oneself. My favorite Carl Jung quote explains it, “Life really begins after 40. Until then, you’re just doing research” (what you called “feedback”). How true! I like your idea of writing an article on the main differences between two lists. In fact, I’ll take a stab at it right now and share one off the top of my head. It will get the juices flowing. 🙂 “He has to be successful” turned to… Read more »
Hi Banu
That’s a great article and as you say, resonates with guys as well as girls.
All my previous ‘failed’ relationships are now viewed as ‘feedback’ towards what I want and what I don’t want in a partner (with the small print that no one person can be all things perfect). It’s the big stuff that counts not the million little things that would make an ‘ideal’.
Out of curiosity, it would be fun if you published your ‘top ten’ traits from the past and those from today.
How about it?
Cheers, Dave
Hi Gary, Thank you for reading, commenting and sense of humor. I guess this is a good time to clarify: I did let go of the idea of a perfect man, not an ideal partner for me. Aside from that, I’ve found that doing the least I could do to get something good never made me feel good about myself. So, I will strive to be the best version of me. Someone I “love” deserves and so do I. Being human, I do and will make mistakes and learn from them. When I made my new list, I made sure… Read more »
You won’t find the ideal partner for you. That’s just another version of an ideal man. You might find a pretty good partner for you, but there’s always someone somewhere on Earth that could be even better. There’s something to be said for placing a stake in the ground and saying I make my choice to be with you even though there might be someone better. That’s love, in my opinion.
It just dawned on my that I need to find a woman who gave up on finding the perfect man, because I did the same, but with women. We’d be so happy together we’d go blind,or something!!!