I have known the horrors of childhood anxiety. As a former anxious kid myself, the older sister to a brother who suffered from severe separation and school anxiety, and someone who works with children, I get it.
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A child’s anxiety can be horribly debilitating and immensely frustrating for the adults who love them.
I’ve become so passionate about it that I’ve been researching it all year as a research fellow at Auburn University.
“You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” — Christopher Robin
Focusing on psychoeducation interventions for subclinical generalized anxiety, I’ve learned a lot about the misconceptions we have about this mental health condition, as well as some ways we can fix it at a school and family level.
To the parents of anxious children, here are some suggestions I’d offer you in helping your anxious kid:
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#1: Help them label what they’re feeling as anxiety
Kids are really good at masking their feelings — probably more than we even know. It’s often been said that anxious kids don’t usually seem anxious, and the research supports this.
Children are much more likely to seem problematic and aggressive before they ever make it known that they’re anxious.
Many times they don’t even realize it themselves. They don’t even know what “anxiety” means, they just know that they’re uncertain, and that’s scary and they don’t know what to do.
“Few adults are comfortable in the presence of a child’s anger. We see it as disrespectful, embarrassing, or threatening. That’s a problem because these outbursts are often nested in worry, confusion, loneliness, anxiety, jealousy, or insecurity.” — Deborah Farmer Kris
As a supportive adult in your life, you can do wonders for them by helping them to label their anxiety, and then empower them with an understanding of what that means.
This can help them to feel better in themselves, communicate their needs and feelings to friends, and also seek help from adults.
In my experience, children are more likely to get help and feel connected when they can appropriately label what they’re experiencing and confidently tell an adult
“I’m feeling anxious and I need _____”.
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#2: Respect their fears
No matter how irrational their anxieties are, your child is trying to keep themselves safe. Because of trauma, the biology of their mind, or simple bad habits that they’ve developed, they feel afraid more than the average person.
“In times of stress, the best thing we can do for each other is to listen with our ears and our hearts and to be assured that our questions are just as important as our answers.” — Fred Rogers
Don’t be afraid to acknowledge that, and to respect the hypervigilance that your child is unwillingly enacting every day to help them survive.
This doesn’t mean you have to believe the fears or coddle a child’s anxiety, but their feelings and their thoughts deserve your respect and your attention.
It’s important not to belittle the worries of children, which often reinforces the child’s idea that they need to look after themself.
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#3: Try to identify where the fears are starting
This is an important part of anxiety healing that especially needs to happen “in the light”, (as opposed to “in the dark”) when your child is feeling regulated and can process through what happens when they’re feeling anxious.
It’s in the times of removal from stressful situations that you can do some digging and brainstorm with your kid about their triggers and the source of their fears.
“Frustration, anger, and fear shut down the thinking parts of our brain. When your child is dysregulated, they cannot access the smartest part of the brain until their emotions are calmed.” — Institute of Child Psychology
Proactively doing this brainstorming can help the child feel understood and seen, and can easily identify you as a loving person in their life and a member of their team.
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#4: Help their bodies feel less stressed
Anxious children, like all people, have minds and bodies that talk to each other. Oftentimes, anxious children take more cues from their bodies than the average person. Sometimes, they’ll feel the anxiety in their bodies before they ever feel it in their thoughts.
Because of this reason, it’s important to address children’s bodies in addition to their minds when treating anxiety.
“Our own worst enemy cannot harm us as much as our unwise thoughts. No one can help us as much as our own compassionate thoughts.” — Buddha
As a parent, this can look like pursuing medication (which can be a great short-term treatment option for mid-level clinical cases), and also helping your child to eat better, stay away from stimulating food or substances, and sleep well.
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#5: Boost their confidence in areas unrelated to their areas of anxiety
While not always the case, oftentimes children’s anxiety is centered in a specific area, even for children who have generalized anxiety. When my anxiety got particularly bad in high school, it was centered around social school settings and my youth group.
In short, I was struggling to feel confident in friendships and navigate social situations where I would be expected to perform or interact a certain way. I also had undiagnosed ADHD which was making matters worse.
“I don’t think anyone can grow unless he’s loved exactly as he is now, appreciated for what he is rather than what he will be.” — Fred Rogers
What helped the most was boosting confidence in other areas. Slowly but surely, up into my first year of college, getting confidence and encouragement in different areas helped me to get better at navigating my social anxiety.
Show your child what they excel and thrive at, and let that increased confidence and self-efficacy start to naturally bleed over into their anxious areas, in addition to other interventions and treatment options being used in their life.
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Children don’t usually want to be anxious.
It’s not a fun experience or a cognitive pattern that they wish to continue. But oftentimes they don’t know any better — and they’re just living life the best way they know how, keeping themselves as safe as they can in the process.
As an adult in your life, I would implore you to hear them out. Learn about their fears and their worries. Learn about your child in general.
“What would happen if we trained ourselves to see children’s anger as an invitation to get curious? What if we practiced stepping toward our kids rather than sending them away until they’ve pulled themselves together?” — Deborah Farmer Kris
Anxiety is a tricky thing, but it isn’t a life sentence. Through love, concern, curiosity, and tools, it can be helped in any child.
It won’t work in a day, and it might be a long journey, but I can guarantee that it’s a beautiful opportunity for you to grow with and for your child — and that your family will be more resilient as a result.
Best of luck!
Kindly, Katie
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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