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For any woman who has wondered how best to support the men in their lives in an equal and loving relationship, here is what has made me feel loved and supported. This is my third marriage. Like many of us, it’s taken me some time to figure out how to be truly supportive of the woman in my life, and how she can be supportive of me. My wife, Carlin, and I have been married now for 33 years. Often times those who’ve failed know better what to do to succeed. Here are the things I’ve learned about how my wife has helped me to live more joyfully.
1. Make yourself number one.
Like many women, Carlin learned a lot about how to take care of others. She took care of her husbands (she’s also been married twice before), her kids, and her friends. It was all good, but she didn’t always take care of herself.
It took us both awhile to learn that the better she took care of herself, the more she had to give to our family. I like the way inspirational speaker Iyanla Vanzant says it:
“it’s not selfish to put yourself first — it’s self-full. To take care of you, keep you whole and healthy. That doesn’t mean you disregard everything and everyone. But you want to come with your cup full. You know: ‘My cup runneth over.’ What comes out of the cup is for y’all. What’s in the cup is mine. But I’ve got to keep my cup full.”
2. It turns me on when you take care of yourself.
The best thing that Carlin ever told me was that she found me sexy when I went for my yearly health check-up. The last thing I wanted to do was to see my doctor, especially since the visit included bending over a table to have my prostate checked. It definitely wasn’t “sexy” for me. Carlin told me in many ways that taking care of myself was not only a good thing to do, but “turned her on.” She said I was sexy when I took my daily vitamins and when I ate healthy food. Believe me, I’ll do most anything that gets my wife turned on. She let me know that taking care of myself was one of the sexiest things I could do.
I want to take care of myself for my own well-being, but when my wife let’s me know that she considers “self care” sexy, it gives me even more incentive to be healthy.
3. Make me feel like I’m your hero.
One of the greatest feelings in the world is to have my wife look at me with admiration and love. I want to be her hero and in this day and age it seems like it’s more difficult. She’s not a helpless maiden who has to be rescued. So how do I find ways to be a hero for her? And how does she let me know I’m still her hero?
We’ve found little way and big ways. She brings jars to me to open that she can’t budge. I can almost always open them. “You’re my hero,” she tells me. It’s fun. It’s a joke. But it’s a small thing, that I feel good doing. She also tells me I’m her hero for being such a good father to our children. Look for ways to acknowledge the heroic in the little details in life.
4. Let us know I love and appreciate you and we’ll do the same.
We all want to feel loved and appreciated, but as time goes on, we don’t feel it as strongly as when we first met. Carlin really looks for ways to appreciate what I do and let me know how much she loves me. Sometimes she tells me in words. Other times she gives me little gifts of appreciation. Sometimes she just looks at me in a way that lets me know I’m that special someone
5. Lets both let go of the old beliefs about being manly.
What it means to be a man is changing. In the past being a man meant living by certain rules. In my book, Inside Out: Becoming My Own Man I called them the 10 Commandments. Many of us grew up believing them and still do:
- Thou shalt not be weak, nor have weak dogs before thee.
- Thou shalt not fail thyself, nor fail as thy father did before thee.
- Thou shalt not keep holy any day that denies they work.
- Thou shalt not express strong emotions, neither high nor low.
- Thou shalt not cry, complain, or ask for help.
- Thou shalt not be hostile or angry, especially towards loved ones, unless they provoke you and you are then duty bound to defend your honor
- Thou shalt not be uncertain or ambivalent.
- Thou shalt not be dependent.
- Thou shalt not acknowledge thy death or thy limitations.
- Thou shalt do unto other men before they do unto you.
6. Manhood is not a big impossible; it’s as easy as breathing.
Guys are often insecure about their “manhood.” Women can help by knowing that and understanding our manly worries. They can also remind us that in this age of sexual equality, there are still things that they appreciate about us as men, not just as human beings.
There is a belief that manhood is something elusive and difficult to achieve. In his book, Manhood in the Making, anthropologist David Gilmore tells us that cross-culturally there is a belief that maleness “is a precarious or artificial state that boys must win against powerful odds.” There is a Native American tribe that says, “manhood is the Big Impossible.”
It’s no wonder that guys are forever feeling vulnerable to charges of being a “sissy,” “girly,” or “unmanly.”
I like what the poet Robert Bly says. “Boys must be around older men in order to hear the sound that male cells sing.” Isn’t that a wonderful notion? We don’t have to worry about doing those magical things to make us men, but our very cells give off a vibration of manliness.
There is now scientific evidence of this fact. There are 10 trillion cells in human body and every one of them is sex specific. If we’re a man, every cell in our body carries an XY chromosome. If we’re a woman, each one carries an XX. David C. Page, M.D., professor of biology at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) and director of the Whitehead Institute has shown that we don’t have to work at being a man. All our cells are working for us.
It’s wonderful when my wife says, “I’m so glad you’re my man and I’m so glad to have a great man like you in my life.”
7. Stop shaming men.
Shame is devastating to men. It undermines the very core of our being. Yet shame and disrespect are built into the fabric of our society. Remember the nursery rhyme that told us “Little girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Little boys are made of snakes and snails and puppy-dogs tails.”
I’m not saying we should ignore negative behavior. It’s healthy to say things like, “It hurts me when you walk away when I want to talk to you.” It’s shaming to say things like “You’re a cold, uncaring man. You’re just like your father.” One suggests there is something about your behavior that is hurtful. The other suggests there is something about your being that is bad.
Women have done a good job of confronting the ways in which females have been put in restrictive boxes. It’s now time to stand up for males. Take a stand on the T.V. programs, the ads, the jokes that tell men that they are bad and ugly inside. When you’re talking to friends and they make shaming comments about the man in your life, its helpful when you say something like this: “I know men can do or say things that are hurtful, but shaming them doesn’t help us or the men in our lives.”
Helping men live more joyful lives is good for men and it’s also good for women and children. The more women love and support the men in their lives, the more men are motivated to love and support them. It isn’t easy to do, but the results are worth it.
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You might also like from Jed Diamond:
The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex
About the book
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I wish this article avoided SHAMing males.
Thank you for such an insightful article. I’m in the middle of a divorce after 30+ years of marriage and have tried to be cognizant of many of your points. However the last several years turned into a toxic relationship. Perhaps if I’d read your article earlier than we may have had a chance to succeed. The thought of ever shaming my soon-to-be ex hurts me deeply, and makes me ashamed. If I’m fortunate enough to ever have a loving, respectful, committed relationship again, I will practice being a better partner by remembering your advice. Many thanks.
Man im confused . My man ignores me and I dont know how to get him out of his depression after all he been though looking family and feeling unappreciated.
Loosing family I meant
I really like this article. It is written in a friendly tone and Jed is not condescending or preachy. I find myself wanting to listen to him. The content is good also! The comments on the other hand … sheesh! It seems like GMP is being taken over by angry misandrists (and I mean misandrists, not feminists. Feminists want equality and I am a feminist. Misandrists hate men.). I live in Sydney Australia and I frequent many suburbs, all with different demographics. And I never see any cat calling at all! I certainly don’t see any sexual harrassment. I see… Read more »
Thanks for all the great comments, my friends. This is what I love about GMP, its a community of men and women who want to learn and love more deeply. We all learn from each other and deepen our life experiences as we grow and change.
I’m so tired of people saying ‘stop shaming men.’ Men need to take some ownership here. Stop being shameful. A LOT of men excuse bad behaviors they know they should not do with excuses and nonsense. Then we’re supposed to coddle the precious man who grew up without anyone telling him he could be him. I appreciate the Good Men Project. But let’s be real frank here and have a frank conversation about men and behaviors and needs that are unhealthy to men, and stop expecting women to accept this. Wrong is wrong, and if you’re a man who is… Read more »
I say if you have to shame someone then you need to grow up because if you show someone love affection and look them up they will want to do better and they will want to grow up putting somebody down is the sign that you want to control someone if you want to control someone it is not truly love and that person needs to learn and you grow up themselves
Lift ppl up and they will surprise you by wanting to do better in a whole lot of ways in their life’s. Also Patience is a virtue.
“Take up nearly twice as many spots as men…”
That tidbit, right there, tells us exactly how you feel about women!
(unable to erase post w/the misquote…oops)
I did not know the line “Little boys are made of snakes and snails and puppy-dogs tails” was supposed to be shameful or negative at all. I was always rather envious of the descriptions of boys, I thought that “nice” was boring.
Thanks Dr Jed. I just cringe when TV shows make men look like buffoons who just agree with women and never express their opinions. Worse when men insult themselves to make women feel good. I’m glad God created both males and females. Thanks for standing up for all the good men
Very helpful post. We all need to reach deep and help each other break out of the stifling gender roles that define us.
Thank you for this great post ! I can relate so much to this points in my own relationship. It is for him to be recognised, celebrated, supported and guided. The more I actualise myself and take care for myself, the more I have to offer and my partner understands me better ..
# 7 is just SO IMPORTANT … thank you for pointing it out. I talk about that in the circles of women I lead. I believe we must stop shaming and making men feel guilty for all the horror in the world !
LOVE & AWARENESS
LOL eating healthy my ass, he’s no Greg Plitt lol
Great post.
I really like this list and I have to say, I have heard women just denigrate their men, I mean rip them apart to their friends and it just hurt me. I didn’t understand why and now that you’ve named it, I now know that. My mother never spoke that way of my father to others. Don’t get me wrong, she called him out plenty of times in private but when she spoke of my father, it was always with respect.
I love this site and have actually been sharing and discussing articles with my now ex-husband. When I read this article at first I reacted with a “really? that’s it?”, and then I reminded myself these are the things that work in a marriage when both people are willing to put themselves out there. You won’t get love if you don’t risk it. One of the major reasons our marriage failed was because we weren’t having the conversations articles like this evoke. The article is the seed planted in the garden of your spirit. Whether you tend it will determine… Read more »
And not once did you recommend over the top ego stroking or condescending accommodations or mothering caretaking that Infantilizes men. Nor did you follow the traditional list we see that says – she has sex with me whenever I want. Well done. Not only have you shown men as strong in a healthy and independent light, you have done so without demeaning women. I’m relieved and impressed.
Wow! This is really nice post which does not preach much but also tells us what are the values men should have instead of saying man up. The post is inspiring as well considering you speak from your experience.
I went into this with high hopes but while it’s good information, I was really hoping for something more specific. The comment about “Following us after a little while and not talking even though you want to” was more helpful than the post! I’d love stuff like that, things more male-specific and not just “Show you appreciate us”, which applies to everyone in a relationship.
Love this site, would just love you to dig deeper or just give more specific examples. 🙂
Am I the only one who need the old classic ” I love you ” ? Especially if it said with genuine feelings and expressions. Nothing beat that in my opinion.
Women have done a good job of confronting the ways in which females have been put in restrictive boxes. It’s now time to stand up for males. Take a stand on the T.V. programs, the ads, the jokes that tell men that they are bad and ugly inside. When you’re talking to friends and they make shaming comments about the man in your life, its helpful when you say something like this: “I know men can do or say things that are hurtful, but shaming them doesn’t help us or the men in our lives.” Yeah. I do that. And… Read more »
If it appears as though this comment is strident, it’s intended. Erin, every comment of yours and those who share your worldview on this site and on gender relations writ large imply you are 100% committed to being helpless. To ego preservation and self-identity preservation as that of the aggrieved and put-upon victim of forces beyond your control. Why work on your admitted bitterness and distrust of men that don’t value what you value while the patriarchy and porn still exist? “I’ll work on those personal things when the patriarchy and porn end” Turns out there are vested interests that… Read more »
Hi Gambit
I always read Erin’s comments here on GMP. They are interesting ,insightful and Erin takes time and show great patients to explain and express herself in debates.
I do not understand your comment and the advice you give her.
Nada.
Try once more Gambit.
What is it that you try to tell women?
Thank you so much Iben! Your words are so gracious.
I also don’t understand his comments or advice to me either. They are so far off topic in this case. I’m not even sure what to say in response.
Here’s what Gambit is saying: You are using the existence of patriarchy and porn as societal phenomena as a reason to put yourself in a victim role in your own life, and deny your agency and ability to find men who would be acceptable to you. So let’s break down and deconstruct that sort of thinking: First, the remnants of patriarchy still exist in our society – and there’s still a great deal of patriarchy in the larger world. But it is by no means a universal phenomenon at this point. There are plenty of men (and women) and plenty… Read more »
+1
So we have lots of non-misogynist men who feel aroused and get off to porn where women are there just to serve, be called shaming names, be raped and tortured in many ways, just like we have lots of non-pedophile people who feel aroused and get off to child porn and non-zoophiliac people who get aroused with bestial porn. Ok, we get it. I am not someone who thinks men are sexual toys who have to serve me and get nothing in return. So I just don’t watch porn where men are portrayed that way. I don’t believe in shaming… Read more »
Porn is not monolithic Julie, so any generalization fails. Women are also a growing group of porn users, so soon the idea that males are the majority (or the only) users of porn will be obsolete. This is 2014 not 1982 😉
Is it the man/men in that you are expected to support that is/are defending pornography? If it is the same person, though, and you disagree to the point where it is causing you pain… then that might be more of an issue for relationship mediation maybe? Personally, I’d consider that much of a philosophical divide a deal-breaker if it’s a newish relationship. My girlfriend is really into porn, -far more than I am- but I can easily see another relationship issue, such me discovering that she was becoming increasingly insistent on pursuing an open relationship, or something like that, which… Read more »
Women today are often celebrated, yet at the same time, it’s common for men to be vilified or portrayed negatively. A BBC article, “Is this TV’s most toxic stereotype?” focuses on women, but provides an accurate description of the husbands on TV (especially sitcoms): the husband is portrayed as the “classic screw-up, with a group of immature friends” who “is outwitted and outclassed by his wife.” The article also mentions one show where “For once the husband, an advertising executive, is not a fool.” Erica Komisar, in her article, “Masculinity Isn’t a Sickness,” said, “In my practice as a psychotherapist I’ve… Read more »
Thank you Jed. After just going through a separation I had come to realise I had been missing out on 3 & 4 and had a very unhealthy dose of 7 for years. I would like to add. 8. Touch us. We crave touch too. A slap on the butt, a caress of our hair or a shoulder rub is as important to us as it is for you. 9. If we retreat into ourselves when stressed then follow us in after a little bit of time. You don’t have to talk (evan though you want to), just learn to… Read more »
Great additions, Luke!
Yes, Jed, these are great add-ons to the list. Thank you.
Great post. #7 is a big one. I think it’s a huge (unspoken) reason why feminism has an image problem.
Ah, I would suggest that’s actually why MASCULINITY has an image problem. The author offers some good advice on countering stereotypical depictions of men in society and the media, but feminism has some alarmingly good reasons to be critical of our still highly patriarchal, essentially mysogynist western societies.
Great comment, Ron. I completely agree with you.
Really western society hates women (you know what is what mysogony means right???), man I wish western society hated men as much as it hated women.
Good grief. Real western society spoils women rotten. It’s rather telling that feminists need to cook the books in order to justify their further hatred of men. Women live longer lives, are far less likely to be murdered, are far less likely to commit suicide than men, take up nearly twice as many spots in college as men do. It’s just the ability to stick your fingers in your ears and go lalalalalalala that prevents you from noticing. And let’s not even bother to look into the men that work dangerous jobs so that women don’t have to. All in… Read more »
um, what?? plenty of women have dangerous jobs. i could have a manly job working on an oil rig because i’m a geologist but would rather not have to deal with the harassment from men! women are murdered all the time, men are murdered mostly because of the stupid situations they put themselves it. women are FAR more likely to be depressed and consider suicide, but don’t go through with it because they don’t want to hurt their families (experience.) until i can walk the streets at 3am and feel completely safe, get paid the same amount as men with… Read more »
atypical
Thank you
Well said.
As a man, I can tell you that I do not feel safe walking around after about 11 at night. a large amount of people in general don’t. I understand that women have it worse than men do, dear GOD do they, but don’t forget that men can be afraid of things, too.
Real western women don’t feel spoiled rotten. Real western women feel the deep misogyny that societies have against them. Real western women are also tired of the situations where white straight (cis) men keep telling them all the time that they have no problems anymore, that their problems are small, that they are just spoiled, and thus should not complain. They are tired of men dismissing their issues and all the harassment and hate they get everyday. So women have it pretty good for being the ones, in cases of DV, that suffer the most violent attacks? Women have it… Read more »
white, straight, (cis) men? I’m sorry, when did this become tumblr?
Great response, Anonymous. That makes sense and invalidates all that was said.
“Take up nearly twice as much room in college as men do…”
That tidbit, right there, tells us all exactly how you feel about women.
Suzana who are you to say how “real women” say and feel? Who are you to speak for all females?
Jed Diamond, you are one of my heroes. Thank you so much for the work you do. It matters so much.
Karen, You’er very welcome. It helps to be smart enough to find a great woman and be guided by her wisdom.