By your parents. By your teachers. By the media.
Like “bad lines of code” inputted into your brain, these destructive lies now shape your reality.
They make you feel immense pressure to perform.
They make it hard to be vulnerable with others.
They make you feel stressed out and anxious.
Thankfully, that can be changed.
Over the past 2 years, I’ve gone on a powerful journey to study with spiritual teachers around the world (shamans in Peru, healers in California, tantra masters in Bali, etc), and I’ve been able to rewrite these lines of code in my own consciousness.
The results have been staggering, and I’m now on a quest to share what I’ve learned with other men.
In this article, I’m going to tell you what these 3 lies are, and you can (finally) free yourself from them and start experiencing effortless confidence and more meaningful success.
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#1 The Lie: “Showing Weakness is Bad”
From an early age, most boys’ biggest fear is being perceived as weak.
Who wants to be made fun of for crying at recess?
Who wants to be called a sissy (or something worse)?
No one, of course.
So we learned to be overly stoic.
Never show weakness.
Don’t cry. Don’t complain.
Be tough. Man up.
As we get older, this attitude stifles our potential and makes it much harder to handle life’s difficulties.
Why?
Because while developing grit is essential, not expressing vulnerability or asking for help is devastating.
It makes us feel alone.
Isolated. Trapped.
It prevents us from connecting deeply with others, and stops us from asking for support when we need it most.
The Solution
To overcome this, you need to delete the old line of code that says “Don’t show weakness, just be tough“…
…and replace it by a new one:
“Showing weakness is a sign of strength.”
Now, let’s make something clear: I’m not suggesting you go around whining and bitching about everything. No way.
I grew up in Canada as a high-level swimmer (and I’ve braved many early mornings, freezing winters and excruciating workouts). I take pride in being gritty and having uncommon toughness when I need it.
But I’ve also learned that this doesn’t mean I need to keep a “brave face” all the time.
Here’s the deal: when you are faced with an obstacle, give it your best shot… and if it’s not working, or you’re struggling, don’t hesitate to ask for support from someone you trust.
It will make your life a heck of a lot simpler, and it will show the world that you’re comfortable enough with who you are to ask for help (instead of pretending you’ve got it all figured out…).
Here’s something to remember: no one has it all figured out.
I recently spoke with Tim Ferriss, and he mentioned that learning to ask for help was the most life-changing upgrade he’d made in the last year.
Are you ready to do the same?
***
#2 The Lie: “You Need to Perform to Be Loved”
This lie is huge, and overcoming it has been major part of my own journey.
Early on, we’re taught that our value as a man is based on 3 things:
Our athletic performance: Star athletes are generally the most popular kids in school. Why? Because Western society values this above all else. If you sucked at sports, you were fighting an uphill battle. If you were good at them, you were put on a pedestal.
Our financial success: We’re brought up to admire top athletes, celebrities, CEO’s and other wealthy men. We equate having lots of money with success (no matter what it takes to get it).
Our sexual conquests: We’re taught that being popular with girls makes us “the man”. Losing our virginity is a huge deal (remember American Pie?) and taking a girl home is the signpost of a successful night for many.
Because we’ve been taught this is so important, we feel enormous pressure to succeed, whether it’s through training obsessively, taking a soul-sucking job because it pays well, or sleeping with a random girl to feel validated and to have a good story for our buddies.
Society’s game is set up in such a way that it’s very easy to sacrifice our integrity and wellbeing in the name of achievement and approval.
How could we not? We’ve been conditioned from the start to believe that who we are isn’t enough unless we perform spectacularly.
That’s a big burden to carry every day, isn’t?
The Solution
The solution is simple yet challenging: we need to fall in love with who we are.
Our flaws, our brilliance, our quirkiness, our insecurities, our psychotic thoughts. The whole spectrum.
We need not only to be OK with them but actually appreciate them.
We need to replace the line of code that says: “I won’t be loved unless I’m constantly performing at a high-level“…
… by this one:
“I’m amazing just as I am. I don’t need to prove my worth. I am loved just for being myself.“
This is mission-critical. The moment you change this line of code, everything will get better in your life.
Interestingly enough, several men are afraid that by taking on this new line of code, they’ll get lazy, stop working hard and start failing in their job.
In my personal experience (and from guiding several high-level clients through this process), I’ve found that it’s actually the opposite: you’ll feel more relaxed and have deeper confidence in yourself, which will allow you to achieve more…with a fraction of the effort.
***
#3 The Lie: “Feminine Qualities are Bad”
As boys, we all wanted to avoid being called “a girl” by our friends.
While this might seem like an innocent schoolyard phenomenon, it created a BIG PROBLEM in our psyche (and society):
Most men now stay away from anything resembling feminine behavior: expressing their feelings, crying, letting go of control, etc.
I remember vividly wanting to cry when I was upset as boy but feeling like it was wrong. Like it would get me in trouble. Like people would laugh at me.
The issue is, developing feminine qualities such as compassion, kindness and tenderness is necessary to being a good man.
Even crying is important. It’s a natural response to strong emotions and without it, our feelings get bottled up inside and we end up feeling tremendous tension.
In the Taoist tradition, the core teaching is that the key to our full potential is to balance our Yin (Feminine) and Yang (Masculine) energies.
When we’re out of balance, for example by focusing too much on masculine qualities (ie, hard work, strength, achievement) we get stressed out and exhausted.
Why? Because masculine qualities are generally connected with the mind while feminine qualities are connected with the heart.
We become robotic, we lose perspective, and deluded in our thinking.
We overthink things. We stress the small stuff. We focus on the wrong things.
(It even leads some entrepreneurs to destroy themselves…)
We forget the Universe has our back.
We forget to be kind to others.
We forget that life’s supposed to be fun.
The Solution
For the last 2 years of my life, I’ve been actively developing my Yin side (growing up as an elite athlete, I’ve always had plenty of Yang), and it has made my life a lot enjoyable while also making me a better entrepreneur, athlete and boyfriend.
Here’s what I learned:
Remember that you’re a part of something much bigger than yourself.
You’re on Earth with 7 billions of your brothers and sisters.
We’re all on the same team.
You’re a part of a gigantic, magnificent Universe.
You’re connected with all of it.
You need to remove the line of code that says:
“If it’s up to be, it’s up to me. I need to make it happen” by this one:
“In every moment, I’m co-creating with the Universe and I’m always supported.“
Take a moment to feel it.
You’re not just a human floating on a rock in space.
You’re a divine bad-ass incarnated to play the game of.
You’re here to live your dreams, be kind to others, and have a blast every day.
Why not make the most of it?
Much love,
Phil
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I’ve been thinking the same
I have to disagree with these points only when they are applied in a general sense. These are completely situational that require experience and wisdom to know “when” it’s appropriate to be vulnerable. The rules of the game are defined by your culture. If these do not coincide well, it doesn’t matter how well meaning you are, people will look upon you as pathetic, different, or might even label you as someone from the LGBT community when you aren’t. I’ve had elderly friends all my life. I spent countless hours with older people more than people my age. I heard… Read more »
This definitely has some truth, and I can see where you’re coming from, but I think that things can only change when individuals act (because a million individuals is no longer a small number). The only thing that normalizes an action is having it be done regularly by people. Nothing will ever change if men and women keep stuffing others in boxes based on their gender. Sure, maybe you will experience embarrassment if you cry in front of someone. That is a really hard thing if you’ve been socialized since birth not to do that. However, if you learn to… Read more »
Yes, I agree with the first two points however I disagree with the need to get in touch with one’s feminine side the Western World at least is doing a fine job of attempting the strip manhood away from me additionally compassion and tenderness are gender-neutral traits in my opinion
3. is very important for men. We have a big problem with male suicide. The biggest killer of men under 50. Depression is suppressed emotions. Male depression is often expressed as anger. Show your feelings. Talk about how you feel. Cry if you are upset. It’s like opening a can of coke. Release the gas. Let off steam. Release the pressure or it will build up inside and make you ill. The ‘pull yourself together’ – ‘man up’ – ‘Don’t be a pussy’ mindset is bad for your mind. What’s bad for your mind is bad for your body, your… Read more »
I totally agree with this, but I just have to point out that while men are committing suicide at higher rates, women actually tend to have suicidal thoughts more open, but just don’t speak up about them, and often attempt suicide in less fatal ways. This may be because of the gender norm of not bothering others, and not being overly emotional or “dramatic”. So people of all genders have unfortunate stereotypes and prejudices to confront, and it should be talked about. I hope this doesn’t take away from your comment at all—I simply want it to be known that… Read more »
Maybe on this, one of the very very very few sites for men, you should stfu about women’s rights when replying to a post about the male suicide epidemic. Men have NO support from society when our children are stolen by the misandrist family court system, when we are falsely accused, when our worth as fathers is reduced to a cash payment, when any attempt to go our own way is smeared as misogyny without a second thought, when female violence is believed not to exist. The accepted hypocrisy standard feminist buffet is available all over the internet, where you… Read more »
I think you are 100% wrong. A white man must be a performer. And a performer must perform without a bunch of distractions in his head. Every company wants to hire all but white males. The woke society is canceling men. Be a loner and let the rest of the world do what it will.
Great article Phil. I’m raising two boys and so this is very interesting. I like the last solution of remembering were a part of a great big universe. I recently wrote a similar article and included channelling your intuitIon as well – i.e. your own internal GPS system. In order to experience “post-traumatic growth”, we must shed several pre-conceived notions and “thinking traps” that keep us stuck in a cycle of merely “existing” rather than flourishing. here is the link to the article: http://www.finerminds.com/personal-growth/train-your-brain-for-personal-growth-and-success
I really enjoyed your article, Phil. As a feminist I agree entirely with the harmful effect that gender roles have on men and women. However, your use of the word ‘bitching’ actually goes against much of what you were trying to say. I think you need to check your use of language to see if there are any other hidden gems leftover from your “bad lines of code”.
Thanks for pointing it out Helen- never thought about it this way. I’ll be more conscientious moving forward.
Phil, you had some good things to say in your article, such as, “Society’s game is set up in such a way that it’s very easy to sacrifice our integrity and wellbeing in the name of achievement and approval.” Integrity and wellbeing are more important than achievements and the approval of peers. Regarding #3 The Lie: “Feminine Qualities are Bad,” however, we live in a society that pairs masculinity, not femininity, with the word “toxic.” That pairing up of words you could have stated is a lie. There is no such thing as “toxic masculinity.” It’s bad behavior which is… Read more »
One of the impediments to doing away with the problem listed as #3 is the insistence on labeling feelings, compassion and sensitivity as “feminine.”
STOP LABELING!
As long as people keep labeling, men will have a more difficult time adapting.
Thanks for the perspective Jason- I think labels can be useful to communicate the concept effectively but you’re right, it would probably more useful to refer to them as “soft” or “caring” qualities rather than “feminine”.
I think I solved that problem. I never grew up. My Wife even bought me the book “The Peter Pan Syndrome”. Had to agree, she had a point. She also said that I never had a job where I had to work, she said I only had fun jobs. I guess 2 careers in Law Enforcement would qualify.
Howdy! My father always told me the distance from the England to USA was further than from Earth to the Moon as in this case…
Good article, Chris. I believe all three of your points are valid. As I’ve mentioned before, I am a human first, and described as a male second, as an adjective. Took me many years to get here. For me I’m happy. I can bring my warrior when I find him necessary and can bring my empathy, and sympathy when also needed. And expressing all the human emotions I can is what brings me happiness.
I think #2 is the biggest one, and it’s at the root of the other two. Lie #2 would also include the idea that a man’s value is in his “usefulness” or his “function” in society. The lie is not just about compiling successes and achievements, but about the whole assumption that a man only has value as an instrument of someone else’s happiness. If you aren’t useful, as defined by other people, then you have no inherent value. It’s really odd and really terrible that we use the terms “useless” and “worthless” interchangeably, especially when we men apply it… Read more »
I agree with the first two points however I disagree with the need to get in touch with one’s feminine side the Western World at least is doing a fine job of attempting the strip manhood away from me additionally compassion tenderness are gender-neutral traits in my opinion
Thank you! I’m a woman surrounded by men, two sons, a husband, a male dog, yet, I was raised with my 3 sisters by my mother and father who loved having daughters after an initial disappointment of not getting that son, four times. I’ve often said that while the world is stacked against women, it’s also stacked against men in ways that are destructive for all. As a feminist, I think that men healing is an important part of healing the world. There are so many fine programs for women to get support, we are wired for collaboration, I’m grateful… Read more »
Stacy, I’m a man who grew up mostly surrounded by females! I can see in some parts of the world that it is stacked against women, but I’m little surprised a feminist also sees ways that things are stacked against men. I’m not denying that it’s true, I just don’t usually see feminists looking at things from the guys’ perspective or even caring much about men. But you’re right about that. In the NYT, Davied Brooks wrote, “The Crisis of Men and Boys.” He says, “They are struggling in the classroom. American girls are 14 percentage points more likely to… Read more »
The reason you are probably surprised is because many people think feminism is just “rights for women rah rah” when it really is about thinking critically about how our societal definitions of gender impact us as human beings, and how we can make things equitable for everyone. As some like to put it, it’s an analysis of patriarchal structures and how to start breaking them down to build something gender-neutral. In fact, a lot of the reasons men and boys suffer is because of the way that people decided people deemed “male” should behave, often in a way that belittles… Read more »
Beautiful. Good for women as much as men to read this. Thank you.
Thanks Christiane!
I never thought #3 as feminine qualities; however, men are degraded by other men for crying, laughing, expressing our feeling, compassion, kindness, etc.
I do agree with you that showing weakness is a sign of strength and these masculine qualities needs to be put in its proper balance since they have caused too much damage to men and boy’s mental health.
Thanks Ggggg, I think they’re inherent to both men and women but historically men have avoided them which is why I called them “feminine”. Let us build a world where everyone can be both strong and sensitive…
I don’t think men had much choice to avoid, they were more likely force to avoid.
I would like a world where everyone can be strong and sensitive; however, it will take a huge cultural and social change.
This is a wonderful article. Well said.
Thanks Paul!
Love this! Nice to see this message being put out there. I recently write a blog post about 3 reasons Darth Vader was a GOOD father! Check it out: http://electricbeachentertainment.com/3-reasons-darth-vader-good-father/
Haha, love the creative take on this!
The issue on “feminine qualities” is a mixed bag. On one hand we’re told that “… like a girl” is bad, but at the same time we’re told to be more like women – share your feelings, go against your hard-wiring. “If only men were more like women what a better world we’d have!” decry some feminists in crass and naive self-congratulation.
I appreciate your article Phil. I Have been trying to tell my friends the same things that you have mentioned in your article for years, but as usual as most times, men do not listen. I grew up with five wonderful sisters and have learned that being a tough, no-nonsense type of man does not work all of the time especially when dealing with women. I have learned a lot about women and how to treat them by my mother and sisters, and believe me at my age (61), I still have a lot to learn, but for the most… Read more »
Thank u! I’m one of 4 daughters, no brothers with 2 sons and I so share your sentiments…
Feminine qualities? What are “feminine qualities?” I never heard #2, And #1, showing weakness IS bad in some situations but obviously not all. And “Most men now stay away…” Seriously, “most men?” Major unfounded generalization.