When we see potential mates as opponents, targets, and obstacles instead of beautiful people worthy of our love and trust, everyone loses.
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There are some people who view dating as a game. We all know they’re out there. You may even be one of them. And that’s fine. You do you. If that’s the kind of relationship you want, you go for it.
The thing is, dating isn’t inherently a game any more than the act of putting one foot in front of the other is; viewing dating as a competitive, adversarial pursuit that requires cunning, strategy and deception is not a function of dating itself. It’s a lifestyle choice. It’s not inevitable, not fundamental to the pursuit of courtship, it’s not even as common as you think.
It’s a choice. And it’s one that guarantees you will lose out on all the best things that romance, dating and even casual sex have to offer.
The Game
Most of us have been played by someone who, as it turned out, was just pretending to care for us, to love us, even to like us, all in calculated effort to get from us without giving in return.
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There are different versions of this game. There’s the competitive sport in which players compete with each other to see who can score the most. There’s a version of tag, in which you’re it! Then you’re it! Then this other person over here! There’s playing pretend… most of us have been played by someone who, as it turned out, was just pretending to care for us, to love us, even to like us, all in calculated effort to get from us without giving in return. And then of course, there’s the ‘but (insert gender here) always wins! It’s time for us lowly (opposite gender) to start fighting back, protecting ourselves, and getting ours every once in a while!’ justification version, perpetuated by Pick Up Culture, Sex and the City, and Cosmopolitan magazine… the Lord of the Flies, eat or be eaten, Survivor: Dating Edition, only without the million dollar prize. It’s not just men that play, despite what you’ll hear jilted, scorned, used and heartbroken women saying. It’s not just women, either; despite the lamentations of rejected, earnest and lonely men.
When I say ‘dating as a game’, I mean that potential mates aren’t beautiful, great people, humans worthy of love and affection, worthy of honesty and vulnerability, of our best. They’re other players, to be held at emotional arms-length, outsmarted, and beaten. Viewing romance, dating, even casual sex as a game is a way of taking something that could be co-operative and uplifting, and turning it into a battlefield in which some win… and someone always loses.
It’s when guys are focused on choosing words they think will subconsciously suggest that their date give them a blowjob, when they could instead just focus on, well, connecting with them, a human predisposed to spontaneously engaging in acts of enthusiastic sexuality of their own volition! Or when a date plays hot and cold, trying to shift the balance of power in a relationship.
Games are where people’s feelings don’t matter, because it’s all just for fun, trivial, a diversion, all a friendly competition. Or, because players choose to play, and losing is just proof of weakness. ‘What?’ We can say, nonchalant and smug, when we’ve hurt someone who trusted us and cared for us: ‘I was playing by the rules!’
Playing to Win Means Everyone Loses
Except this isn’t fucking yatze. This is real life. There is no rulebook that everyone agrees on, no matter what best-selling authors with financial incentives to the contrary may have you believe… and telling readers that they will lose unless they follow this patented system for playing the game is an excellent sales tactic; framing courtship as a game with rules that everyone knows but you is a great way to scare anyone into a sale. No one wants to lose at this, of all things. Of course, it’s bullshit. But in something so personal as romance, few of us think with our heads and hearts before responding from our fears and unfulfilled needs.
When someone decides it’s OK to cheat because it’s less than a year in, or lies and manipulates, or uses and pretends, and the other is heartbroken… discrepancies like that don’t go to the scrabble dictionary or to a referee. They don’t go anywhere. They just fucking hurt people. People who wanted to love and be loved, who opened their hearts and lives and legs.
There are members of all genders who say that “all men/women treat it as a game!
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Saying that dating is a game is a way to claim that all’s fair. But it’s not. And unless you’re suffering from bone deep cognitive dissonance or have never had a broken heart, you know that’s true. There are members of all genders who say that “all men/women treat it as a game! So I’m just doing the smart thing: I’m just playing defense. If they complain about it, it’s only because they’re used to winning, or they just hate losing. I’ve lost too many times. I’m justified in playing these people.” Right. You’ve been hurt. And hurting someone else will make that better! Yes, it’s a little known fact that breaking someone else’s heart with calculated callousness will heal yours.
I am of course just joking.
In a game, the other players are the competition and you do whatever you can to outsmart, out maneuver, and generally out play them. There are rules of what’s allowed, and they do not match up with the morals of society at large: you aren’t allowed to punch someone in the face to get what you want in the real world, but that’s fine in boxing, encouraged even. Similarly, when dating is perceived as a ‘game’, it is perfectly acceptable to lie about your intentions with someone, what type of relationship you might desire with them, or what you really think of them in order to score… even though you’d never do that to a friend, to someone you actually cared about (unless you’re suffering from a mental illness or serious untreated trauma).
In a game, you score as many points as possible without letting them get any in… aka, you get as much vulnerability, sex, care and devotion, as possible, without actually showing emotion or providing emotional connection in return. You take, you use, you manipulate and you can justify it all because hey! It’s just a game, and players choose to play.
Sounds fun! You go on and enjoy it without me.
What I’ve learned is that most people aren’t playing.
Most people are genuine in their desire for connection and honest in their pursuit of it. For the vast majority of people outside of Manhattan and over the age of 26, dating simply is not a game. It’s an honest endeavor, like making a garden. It involves patience, trust, investment, cultivation, and these things are assumed of all those who participate.
In romance, even in good one-night-stand sex, people are honest and expect the same of their partner.
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Which is why playing dating as a game is so hurtful, to all involved: because those who aren’t playing it expect better of you. They would have, could have, seen the best in you, and been part of bringing that best into your daily life, your every moment. They could have been part of your triumphs, your growth, you being the best person you could possibly be. They could have believed in you, cared for you, supported you, liked you. They could have loved you. They could have changed your entire fucking life in ways you can’t even imagine until it happens. Even if you’re not interested in a long term relationship right now, honest casual experiences can be very healing and positive. In order to actually find romance, vulnerability is necessary. Trust and honesty are necessary. In romance, even in good one-night-stand sex, people are honest and expect the same of their partner. It’s a trust. If you were a big old smarmy hopeless-romantic-cheesy-cheese-factory like me, you might even say it’s a sacred trust. And playing dating as a game is breaking that.
Playing Defense
I tried to think back and remember if there were times when I played games. And there was: when I was younger, I played a game called “Please God, Let This One Actually Like Me, And Not Be Lying To Me And Manipulating Me To Get Sex”.
I stood to get really hurt if I slept with a guy whose sole interest in me would then be satisfied.
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Here’s the rules: I would meet a guy, and start dating, and try not to sleep with him until or unless I was reasonably sure he actually wanted some version of an honest relationship with me… and not just casual sex, which I wasn’t interested in at that time, because I knew that as soon as I slept with a guy, my feelings for him would become very serious. The fastest way to a woman’s heart is through her vagina, after all. So I stood to get really hurt if I slept with a guy whose sole interest in me would then be satisfied; if it turned out he was just lying to get in my pants. It was very, very challenging for me, because I love sex. And these were guys I wanted very much to sleep with. I would say it was harder for me than for a lot of the guys.
I learned quickly that a man saying “I definitely want to be in a relationship with you! I care for you as a human person and as a woman, in a romantic manner! Let’s be boyfriend girlfriend and date exclusively!” often meant nothing. I learned that the hard way. But they weren’t hurting anyone! They were just playing the game, right? If Sex and the City taught us anything, it’s that women play games all the time! These guys were just evening the playing field.
Because Women Do It Worse, Right?
The thing is, Sex and the City didn’t happen in a vacuum. It was a rebellious response to a culture in which women felt they were the ones that consistently lost in the ‘game’ of dating; the ones getting cheated on, who had to be passive and wait for a man to approach, who had to be the gatekeepers of sex thus denying their own sexual needs, etc. The show was a way for women to take their power back by being active sexually and romantically, instead of passive. It was an escalation in this ‘game’, that feels more and more like a war; it was women dropping the ‘I can play you like a harp’ bomb right back on to the men who, they felt, had dropped that bomb on them first.
And guess what? The show ends when they’re all fucking married. Because even these women, trying so fucking hard to be independent and hold men at arms length, even this generation raised on “I need a man as much as a fish needs a bicycle” just wants to be loved. Their ‘game playing’ wasn’t a gleeful, torturous emasculation of men they viewed as peons. It was women who felt forced to play defense in an endeavor that’s become a minefield; one that is supposed to be about love.
We play by ever more ruthless rules, as we look for the slimmest advantage over our ‘opponents’—the very people we ought to be caring for, giving of ourselves for
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That’s what happens when we think dating, love, relationships, sex, intimacy is a game. We play by ever more ruthless rules, as we look for the slimmest advantage over our ‘opponents’—the very people we ought to be caring for, giving of ourselves for. Dating, love, all of it, is supposed to be about making someone else’s life easier and more beautiful, and discovering something profound about ourselves in the process… not making life harder and awful and confusing and hateful.
Laying Down Arms
I kept expecting men to be adversarial, so I did what any smart woman would do: I played defense. Which involved trying to wait to sleep with guys, trying not to appear to eager or interested, trying to make sure they texted or called more often than I did. I tried asking straight direct open questions to get to the bottom of what they actually wanted from me: whether their desire was for more than just participation in my (admittedly fantastic) sexy-time. I tried not to feel, or at least, not to feel quite so goddamn vulnerable.
Until, one day, I didn’t. Until I stopped.
Most men truly want to care for their lover, want to have a real, loving relationship.
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Until I realized that most men are actually… amazing. Most men truly want to care for their lover, want to have a real, loving relationship that is a haven and an inspiration and a safe place for both. Most of us want all of that. I realized that there are a majority of men who are brave enough to lay down these stupid weapons of Mass Dating Destruction; who are courageous enough to love openly and truly.
So I did too.
There’s an idea that the hurt comes from the game; from dating, from love even. So changing the way you play makes sense as a tactic of self preservation. But the thing is that love doesn’t hurt. Rejection, loneliness, self-doubt, and loss hurt. Love doesn’t, connection doesn’t, intimacy doesn’t. By trying to protect ourselves from those things happening again in the future, we’re actually preventing ourselves from really connecting with people.
In the midst of this battlefield, I laid down my arms. I opened my heart, and I trusted men. I let myself be vulnerable, I shared my true feelings, I was my honest to goodness weirdo self, right from the start. And the facade of the fickle dating-game-player washed quickly away; I didn’t have to stop myself from falling for the guy who was insincere; I was able to see him truly and so, I had no interest in him. It is possible to learn who we can trust and who is being deceptive. There’s nothing wrong with being honest about your fears, or taking it slow. Ultimately, this is about being honest… which involves being vulnerable. Which is what I did.
And I found my partner. I found the man who was brave enough to be with me, as I am, as he is, in this crazy world, every day. Who is afraid to love and does it anyways, with his entire person, courageously and fully, every fucking minute, and who is so much better for it and who has helped me become better, too.
Winning at Love, Sex, and / or Dating… By Choosing Not to Play
A guy recently said to me that he would love to find a woman he could take seriously; then he could stop playing the game and actually get the prize he’s looking for, that most of us are looking for: honest-to-goodness intimacy. Real, actual love.
As long as he keeps playing the game, That. Will. Never. Happen. Because when you approach someone as an opponent, as an adversary, they cannot love you, and you can never love them. When you approach someone as an adversary, you don’t see their flaws as treasures to be kept safe from the world; you see them as advantages to be taken. You don’t hold them in their success and failure, on their good and bad days; you hold them at an emotional distance. You don’t sacrifice for their happiness. You sacrifice their happiness for yours.
Instead, open your heart. It’s scary, but it is worth it. Dating doesn’t have to be a game. When we stop seeing it that way, it’s no longer about who loses.
It’s about finding someone you can team up with, so everyone wins.
From the heart,
Kathryn
This is an excerpt from Kathryn Hogan’s upcoming book, My Hero: Attracting the Woman of Your Dreams by Becoming the Man of Hers. Connect with your masculine power to develop the qualities that women naturally desire and appreciate.
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This story was previously published on The Good Men Project.
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto
Tis a game, one I don’t play. My defense is I don’t invite you to the table to sit at the board, at all.
I trust you less than the frog did the scorpion. I am not letting you on my back, and certainly not swimming across the river. I have learned the nature of the game, gone MGTOW, and more are joining our team,
And we are not coming back for your entertainment nor salvation. The days of the rescuing white knight are done and dwindling.
Thank you for being honest. I truly, truly hope that someday, you will come back, and find honorable, authentic love; and if you decide not to, I respect that, and I hope that your Own Way provides what you need it to.
From the heart,
Kathryn
People are social-sexual beings — we need to fuck and be fucked. Love and be loved. To connect and to be connected. This isn’t narcissism, it’s human nature and there is no shame in seeking what you need. Excluding sociopaths, no one is actively seeking out to be duplicitous or to hurt others. But for one gender’s sexual strategy to succeed the other gender must heavily compromise or completely abandon their own. Female empowerment has brought about a generation of women who now choose to be non-monogamous in their 20s-30s and then settle down later in life, or not at… Read more »
Some excellent points, thank you for contributing. To clarify: the original title was “If you think dating’s a game, you’ve already lost”, and was changed by the editor. The piece is supposed to be about the games that *both* genders play, not just one or the other; some are unique to one or the other, but many are played by both. I think your assertion about all women wanting something casual in their younger years and then wanting to settle down is different in that light. I know for me, that wasn’t the case… indeed, though I wanted very much… Read more »
@ Kyle,
“….and you gotta play to win.”
And, you gotta pay to play!!
Something I wrote as a comment to another article, regarding love and hurt:
“Love hurts when it isn’t acknowledged or reciprocated.”
Live well.
Kyle – You know what they say when a statement is followed with a ‘but’ right? That it completely negates anything said before that statement. That it’s that use of ‘but’, that tells us how the person using it *truly* feels. I feel like your using shame and fear against women and their choices because maybe as a man, you don’t like the choices women are making. I think perhaps your comments are based more on your personal agenda for what you want for women, then what may actually be best for women. I see female empowerment as something different… Read more »
Erin, why are you even on this site? If you have nothing positive to contribute besides blaming everything on misogyny and patriarchy please leave. This is the Good MEN Project, and you are not adding anything helpful to the discussion. Of course women have other choices besides getting married, so do men. That is what MGTOW is all about. Of course when men don’t marry they are labeled “selfish” or “immature” for not “manning up” and being good little appliances and ATMs .Some men don’t make women the center of their existence.
Well Wes, I first came to this site to learn more about men. I was sick of visiting places like Askmen.com and Maxim.com that seemed to only be able to portray women in one dimensional terms and portray men as only wanting sex and nice cars. Those other sites left me feeling pretty depressed about what men cared about. Then I came here. And I read about things that most men don’t ever talk about. I have learned a lot from being on the GMP. I saw men opening up and sharing awesome things. I saw men writings articles and… Read more »
@ Erin
I think the age thing is a bit more than you’re willing to make it. Sure old sperm affects children, but we also have better genetic testing so a lot of these issues can be addressed prior to birth as long as abortion remains legal. Part of the issue I think is the physical stress the mother has to go through. U think that’s why there are more c-sections. That can’t be healthy for women or the children.
First off, ‘genetic testing’ doesn’t squash the biological drive to use biological factors in picking ‘healthy’ mates. We don’t live in a world where biologically, nature wants old men reproducing with young women. That’s a social construct of the world, it’s not a biological one. We biologically live in a world that wants young men reproducing with young women.
Secondly, no healthy adult person is going to say, “We can just have genetic testing and if the baby is sick we can just abort it.”
Genetic testing isn’t some magic elixir.
@ Erin
Forgot to mention that women also tended to look for more financially stable men, which generally meant men would be older. Let’s not though point out the misnadry in society though in clashes with some women’s victim narrative.
Well John, thank-goodness that’s been changing for a couple decades now right? Most women have to work right along side their husbands. There are debates going on today where men don’t want to pay for dates anymore. So it looks like men are giving women less and less reasons to settle for older men.
MGTOWs and Zeta Males have no interest in playing games or manipulating other people like PUAs do. If you make chasing women the whole focus of your life you become Wiley Coyote chasing the Roadrunner. When does it ever turn out well for the coyote? Or it becomes just another addiction like drugs, booze or gambling. If someone is interested, that’s great. If not, accept it and move on.
Wes,
You know RE/MAX Realty once had a tag line that read “Above the crowd”. That’s the key. Because if you follow the crowd you will end up like the crowd!
I think that @Her was right in saying that the majority of people have no interest in playing games. When I was writing this article and doing research, a lot of the people I spoke with who do play games said that they do so because they believe they’ll be screwed over otherwise…
I love your metaphor about Wile E Coyote!! 🙂 Thanks for sharing
“a lot of the people I spoke with who do play games said that they do so because they believe they’ll be screwed over otherwise…”
or not…
@ Kathryn Hogan, “………………..a lot of the people I spoke with who do play games said that they do so because they believe they’ll be screwed over otherwise…” I truly scoff at the notion. Hence, I must call bullshit on this. People play games for the very same reason people steal: so they can get what they want without paying, period. It has nothing to do with “let me stick him before he stick me.” Do you think criminals commit crimes against their victims because they felt the victims were about to screw them over? Exactly.. For some people, perhaps.… Read more »
What do you think the person’s motivation is? I suspect that most of the people she spoke with who claimed this where looking for long term relationship and possibly life partners. A woman buys the most expensive things from the menu. She could be taking advantage of the situation buying something that she normally wouldn’t in a situation where she doesn’t have to pay and she really cares nothing for the guy. It could also be that she’s testing his financial strength and possibly honesty. If he’s really a doctor, he wouldn’t bat an eye over spending $200 on a… Read more »
Thank you <3
@ John Anderson, “What it comes down to is people are playing pop psychologist / detective. They play detective because they don’t want to get hurt.” I must respectfully disagree. Yes, in some instances the dynamic you mentioned is in play. All I am asserting is their motives might be to probe for weakness in the other person so as to exploit that weakness for their person gain. I am not convinced their strategy is as defensive as you allege. Maybe I am just too jaded with folks these days, especially women. Btw, there are a LOT of cheap ass… Read more »
I think most folks, if they simply tell the truth, aren’t looking for games though. They may not be looking for marriage, but casual sex can be had by anyone at any time for the right price. So, that’s not the reason for folks to “hook-up”. So many have been hurt by the lead-on-pleasure- then ghost “dating” scene, of all “genders”, as the writer says, that many will say they want casual because that’s what they think they deserve, or that’s all they think they’ll be able to get in today’s dating game world. I think it stems a lot… Read more »
@ Her,
Beautiful….You’re being totally honest. You get it!!! Most people, men and women, are too narcisstic these days to even see beyond me, me, me…
Love it. Thank you for this beautiful, authentic response 🙂
I think this is a vast over simplification of reality. Sure some of the things you mentioned are indeed present and as such very problematic. The problem I see with your analysis is that you erroneously assume that all people want the same things at all points in their life. Simply untrue. Young women today (men too) do not desire emotional relationships. Dating around, dating several men at the same time, experimenting sexually, is the new battle cry for many women. Guess what. Many, if not most, are loving it! So, how can you conclude it is so bad? If… Read more »
If it’s loving, honest, and mutual, then it’s not bad 🙂 That’s the whole point! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
@ Jules
When it comes to casual sex, I think Kathryn’s position is that as Her pointed out, there is a cost. It takes a whole lot greater effort and investment of time and money to convince a woman looking for a relationship to have sex with you than it would be to ask, “wanna f*ck” after an hour of banter with a woman who is also interested in casual sex. Then you can bang her and head out to a movie or take a nap or whatever the case maybe.
I love how you put that, John! Thank you 🙂 I’ve definitely been in situations in my life where, like Jules said, I wasn’t looking for anything serious. And someone being honest with me that they were looking for similar things to me… that lead to some really incredible and life giving experiences.
You made me laugh! Thanks!
As young men, most of us have been spoon-fed that “not looking for anything serious” is just NOT what women are.
Hence, we are fostered to act accordingly.
But if you think that honest, courteus and respectful guys don’t experience heartbreak as well (or even exist), you are simply deluding yourself.
Which is exactly what the article is saying. Thanks for agreeing!
As for ‘acting accordingly’, if that means pretending that you’re looking for a long term relationship when you’re not, that’s just what I’m talking about here. There are plenty of women who, at different times in their lives as Jules pointed out, just want something casual.
“Acting accordingly” means that most of us, both men and women, ARE delusional. As we grow up, we are told there’s a “perfect match” for us out there somewhere, that we only need to find. Then, usually, most of us befriend someone that we get along with real well. So well that we think it IS that special someone. Everything seems magic, you like the same music and culture, look forward to the same movies, laugh at the same jokes, share most of the same outlook on life. You long for nothing more than to devote your life to this… Read more »
Sorry for the rambling.
To make it a bit shorter, I Think it’s usually more about people really not knowing what they are looking for until they stumble upon it, and less about not being fully honest about it. But still wanting the people courting them to act as if they actually knew what they were doing.
No need to apologize 🙂 You make a really beautiful point. I agree that often the best things in love are things we don’t know until we stumble upon them… sort of like how we won’t know how delicious a certain food is until we taste it, no matter how much time we may spend sniffing at it! That said, I think that experience breeds self awareness, which leads to a better understanding of our basic needs. I didn’t know that I needed a spiritual man until my current relationship, in which we meditate together on a regular basis… but… Read more »
Hi Kathryn and thank you for your kind answer. Well, what upon sudden discovery seems to be the best things in love for us, at the moment, often turn out to be the worst thing to happen to any long-term suitor of us… Having had a day to contemplate why this feels like an old rash for me, and having read your answer to Kyle below, something dawned on me that together with old memories/experiences may not be such a beautiful point. So now I’ll be rambling again… We don’t know what we really want until we stumble upon it.… Read more »
Wow. This is so honest and raw. Thank you so much for sharing this. I really appreciate your trust in me. That is just so heartbreaking. It truly saddens me that your heart was so broken, and by someone who you obviously really, really loved. I hear your pain… and you’re correct in your assumption that I have been there, too! Oh God, have I ever… though not in quite the same way, of course. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been to see her go off with some doofus who obviously didn’t have what she really needed.… Read more »
Hi Kathryn, and thank you for your answer. To get straight to the point, and maybe be a little blunt, I think she was just turned on by this guy. Straight and simple. Much more than she was ever turned on by me, no matter how much we had in common. So much turned on by him, actually, that having him then and there became more important that she didn’t care about any kind of relationship to last more than 24 hours. You ask if she was drunk? Yes, to the best of my knowledge she was, to some extent.… Read more »
@ John Anderson, “It takes a whole lot greater effort and investment of time and money to convince a woman looking for a relationship to have sex with you…….” Here is the problem for me…I really think it boils down to the man in question at that particular moment in her life. She might be seeking a serious relationship. But, for some guys she will demand zero effort and investment for sex. Zippy. But, if the guy is relationship material, here comes all the demands for effort and investment. That to me is pure bullshit!. Hence, I truly think whether… Read more »
IMO the argument comes down to a person being forthright. I think you’re suggesting that the issue is aligning your strategies with your goals. The two things are not mutually exclusive as long as both people are honest and upfront. You’re arguing that a if a woman slept with you too soon, you would assume that she wasn’t interested in a LTR even though she is. Her strategy doesn’t match up to what you’d expect a person’s strategy to be if their goal was an LTR. The problem is that we expect the other person to be playing a game… Read more »