Tough Commute? Mike Kasdan feels your pain. He prescribes a large dose of humor. Here’s your starter tool-kit.
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The daily grind of commuting: a cruel fact of suburban life.
Sure, we moved out to the suburbs for all the right reasons. The idyllic tree-lined streets. Houses with yards so the kids can frolic. And this town is perfect! It’s right on the train line—an easy commute right into Manhattan!
And there it is. Our first mistake. And a long-lasting one, at that. Because there is no “easy” commute.
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The early morning rise. The highly elevated rudeness levels. The soul-crushing delays. The every day repetition.
It’s the Dunkin Donuts commercial guy, wiping the sleep from his eyes and muttering “Time to make the donuts.”
It’s Sisyphus pushing the rock up the hill.
It’s hamsters spinning to infinity on the wheel.
It’s lemmings rushing to the cliff’s edge. And then over.
The sea of suits, the barrage of briefcases, the glow of mobile devices as everyone tries to get a few minutes ahead of their day.
It all reminds us of that saying: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.” While none of us are expecting different results, we sure are frustrated with doing the same thing again. And we re-live that frustration daily.
What’s the word for that again? Oh, right. Commuting.
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If you don’t laugh at it, it will leave you a cold twitchy bitter shell of yourself, your pent up aggressions sullying your view of all humanity.
It’s true. I shit you not.
With that in mind, we offer a number of sanity-preserving coping techniques. Today we will cover: (1) expressing rage through social media outlets; (2) aggressive actions against fellow passengers; and (3) various humor-based strategies.
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Rage Against The Machine
The therapeutic effect of rage is presently under study by the FDA. Early test results are promising. Venting by way of social media is a terrific option for expressing rage in a safe controlled environment.
I know the old stereotype about men being violent sorts, but we’re far more likely to express our rage with our thumbs than we are to use our fists. We work it out by typing it out.
Mocking tweets are a nice way to start for spouting off. For NJ Transit riders (like me), @NJTSucks (location: “Stuck somewhere between Trenton & New York”) provides a nice outlet:
Note to #NJTransit conductors. Mumbling into microphone does not count as helpful information for passengers
— Adam Kimelman (@NHLAdamK) November 2, 2011
If I was a billionaire….build new train line in NJ that doesn’t suck…charge an infinitely high price: profit. I hate NJ transit. — matt conte (@mpconte) November 2, 2011
Their consistency is what makes them great. “@ErikkaWalsh: 0 days with service delays. Thanks, NJTransit. You tried…a little…” — Disgruntled Commuter (@NJTSucks) October 25, 2011
A more ribald option is @FuckNJTransit:
According to @NJTransit, one of the tunnels is shut down for “inspection.” This is going to suck harder than <insert blow job joke here>.
— John J. O’Sullivan (@jjostm) August 8, 2014
Personally I enjoy using the hashtag: #BadAtTrains on Twitter. But let loose and be creative!
Facebook is also useful for spewing a more tempered anger and frustration, with a dash of seeking solace from non-commuter friends and solidarity from fellow commuters. Facebook posts are also a good way to start commuter games, like Wheel of Excuses: “Signal problems,” “The Portal Bridge is down” (Is there really a Portal Bridge?? What is the Portal Bridge anyway!?), “Leaves,” “Snow on the tracks,” “broken down train in front of us,” “Amtrak’s fault,” “Total. Fucking. Silence.”
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Good Old Fashioned Losing Your Cool
Many people blow off steam through aggressive actions against fellow commuters. While commuter rage is all the rage, we cannot condone it. Still, some people believe it works for them. Here are the various forms it takes:
- Physical altercations over with the Talking Loudly on The Cellphone Guy who shares his whole inane life with the whole freaking car while you are trying to read. Warning: violence is ugly.
- Disbelieving stares that devolve into verbal wars with the My Bags Are on The Seat Next To Me and Even Though You’re Standing I Am Going To Refuse Eye Contact woman.
- Dropping of elbows, pushing, shoving as you are being herded like animals towards the just-announced track and through a corridor that is inexplicably ½ the width of a single person.
- Constant cursing under your breath, such as the repeated and uncontrollable muttering of “Mother. Fucker.”
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Laugh Like Nobody’s Watching
It is a well-known fact that humor can soothe the savage commuter. The possibilities are almost endless.
Pithy Commuter Inside Jokes:
“When the train dispatcher’s wife embraces her husband, do you think she thinks: ‘I am being held briefly by the train dispatcher’?”
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Artistic Outlets
Art can be a terrific way to pass time while silently mocking fellow commuters. Here, some modicum of drawing ability helps. The gold standard is this guy, who turned a yellow sticky note pad into hilarious bits of train art, like this:
If you have no artistic talent or creativity, this is why god invented smartphone cameras.
Don’t’ be bashful. Selfie it up.
Writing of Various and Sundry Genres:
If writing is your thing, perhaps try a passive-aggressive haiku:
Hipster blocking the
train door, are you doing it
ironically?
Woman next to me
Proves it’s possible to do
Sudoku out loud.
Before you hang up,
Tell your mom the whole train says
She’s right about you.
Playing Angry Birds
When he sets a new high score
He does a fist-pump
She pulls out her book
And nervously looks around
50 Shades of Grey
(Above haikus courtesy of @commuter_haiku and http://www.traincommutehaiku.com)
One of my personal favorite categories of humor is Quiet Car Humor: The very existence of The Quiet Car and the fascinating human interactions within can be an endless source of literary humor.
This can range from musings pumped out as Facebook status posts, like this:
“The great paradox of The Quiet Car: It is literally impossible to say ‘Um…Excuse me? This is the quiet car,’ without sounding kind of douchy.”
… to full length New Yorker style essays, like this:
“This initiative is an expansion of our Quiet Car program and will be known as Hush Plus. Each car on every rush-hour train will be designated one of the following: Quiet, Almost Quiet, Normal Amount of Noise, It’s Getting Louder, or Insanely Loud.
QUIET CAR: For many commuters, the Quiet Car has never been quiet enough. Now it will be. Sounds once tolerated, such as a cell-phone whisper (“Can’t talk—I’m in the Quiet Car”), will now result in a fifteen-dollar fine or deboarding at 125th Street. Screen swiping on any wireless device must be silent. Passengers with long fingernails and jangly jewelry should think twice before taking a seat in the Quiet Car.
ALMOST QUIET CAR: A car reserved for people who tolerate eye contact. The exchange of a few daily pleasantries will be permitted, although sustained conversation will be banned. Absolutely no jokes are allowed, especially the one about the husband who regrettably misspeaks to his wife at breakfast when he merely intends to say, “Please pass the marmalade.”
NORMAL AMOUNT OF NOISE CAR: The place for old-fashioned face-to-face conversation with colleagues, neighbors, and other acquaintances. Older passengers can rest assured that other riders will not roll their eyes when they rustle and fold their printed newspapers. The Normal Amount of Noise Car will provide a sound buffer, so that you can speak frankly without worrying that your words might be overheard and come back to haunt you in a securities investigation. Here, too, you can safely tell your seatmate that your kids turned out to be total assholes.”
. . . to McSweeney’s-like Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely To Respond:
Dear Inconsiderate Loud Talker:
I am so incredibly humbled and honored that you have chosen to sit in Car No. 7754. Before my life was quiet. But now—now!—there is you. I am truly blessed. Instead of quietly reading my newspaper this morning, or responding to essential work emails, I have spent all morning listening to you loudly speak with someone on your phone.
I have been regaled by stories of your plumber not showing up, the vicissitudes of your career as a Wall Street trader, and your Fantasy Football Draft. (I can’t believe he didn’t finish the tile in the bathroom! Clearly you are a brilliant risk tactician and too big to fail! And let me also agree that the Julio Jones pick was brilliant; I too cannot believe that he fell into your lap at the end of the 2nd Round!)
I would be remiss if I did not mention that Car. No. 7754 has been designated The Quiet Car. That is why I sit here everyday. And all these other people glaring daggers at you? Them too. But I get it. This is different. Important people like you—and by that I mean self-important—don’t need to follow rules.
Rules! Pshaw!! The no speaking rule should only apply to the boring people, the quiet people. Now THAT would make the world—and our train rides—a better place.
With Admiration (read: “Loathing”),
Michael Kasdan
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So remember kids: Mind the Gap, Don’t stand in the vestibule, walk up for the station platform, please make sure to have your electronic tickets out and loaded before we leave the station, and Stay Calm and Commute On.
Tomorrow we get to do it all over again. But we’re in this together. And if we laugh about it together, it should dull the pain. At least a little bit.
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-Photo Credit: Flickr Creative Commons/helloturkeytoe; Additional Photos courtesy of October Jones.