Ben Stich shares his secret for successful communication.
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I used to interview prospective staff for a residential treatment program before I became a family mediator. Whenever I asked them to describe qualities that would make them a good child care worker I was invariably told something like, “I love to help people and I’m a GREAT listener.”
Yet, when I would walk in to a room while they were working with an upset resident I would hear their voice more than that of the student.
Hmm. Curious. Do you know folks like these newly hired child care workers who proclaim to be great listeners but don’t act the part?
I bet you do. Maybe you are even married to someone like this.
Haven’t you noticed that lots of people who declare that they have great listening skills tend to:
- Dominate conversations
- Interrupt
- Talk about themselves…a lot
- Make assumptions about the other person
- Give advice very quickly
- Repeat themselves…repeatedly
Great listeners? Nope. These folks are great talkers!
Need to Improve Communication Skills in Your Marriage?
Here’s the rub. Talking at someone has nothing whatsoever to do with listening to someone. The two are not even in the same ballpark! Yet for some reason good talkers usually think they are good listeners. These great talkers may like to help others. They are usually well intended.
Take the child care workers. When they would tell me in their interviews that they wanted to help kids and were great listeners they were speaking from the heart. They truly meant it.
And when I talk about my dream of playing shooting guard for the Boston Celtics I mean it too! But just because I am motivated to play for the Celtics, doesn’t mean I have the shooting, passing or dribbling skills to pull it off (and if you know me, you’re probably laughing).
Marital communication requires skill, too. And one of the fundamentals is listening. Listening is a skill that can help your marriage far more powerfully than any amount of advice. Even if you think it’s phenomenal advice!
Look, let’s be honest with ourselves. Almost all of us from time to time could listen better. That goes for this family and divorce mediator, too.
Sometimes thinking we are a good listener is really code for being a great talker!
Take A Listening Test
If you hear yourself utter any of these phrases with your spouse, consider them warning signs that your listening skills are of the talking variety.
- That happened to me when I…
- You know, all you need to do is…
- You’ll be fine…
- Oh, you’re not going to believe what happened to me last week…
- That reminds me of…
- I have a friend who went through the same thing and she…
See Yourself Here?
How To Improve Communication Skills To Help Your Marriage
If any variations of these types of statements come out of your mouth try one of the following tips:
- Shut your mouth! Seriously, STOP talking!
- Don’t assume you know what your spouse is going to say and keep an open mind
- Don’t interrupt
- Ask a question for clarification purposes…only after your partner pauses first
- Remind yourself that “it’s not about me right now” and focus on your spouse
- Remember how crummy it feels when someone talks at you when you just need someone to listen
- Focus all of your energy on what the other person is saying, not on your watch, your cell phone or someone across the room
- Do not impose your solutions on your spouse — if they want your suggestions they will ask
And then, after all of that, pause for a moment.
Take a breath.
And then take pride that you truly helped your spouse. And your marriage.
What other suggestions do you have to improve listening skills?
A different version of this article first appeared on www.benstich.com.
Image: mollybob/Flickr
Maybe you need to turn the tables, Heather. Have you made a concerted effort to do with him what you want him to do with you? Validate his thoughts and feelings? In my experience, the more active listening that occurs — using reflective statements, asking for clarification, and summarizing what you are hearing — the less defensiveness arises. It takes two tango and one of you needs to change your approach if the dynamic is going to take a different direction. Your approach is all you really have control over. Thinking more about what you can do better may be… Read more »
Acknowledge and validate the talker’s thoughts and feelings, even if you don’t agree with them. This is my biggest struggle with my husband – whenever I try to raise an issue with him he immediately becomes defensive and will even start accusing me of doing the very things I am confronting him about (even though he hasn’t raised them with me before), instead of acknowledging and validating what I have said and how I feel about it first and then expressing his point of view. I have tried over and over to explain how much I need to be heard… Read more »
I needed to read this. I’ve recently been told that I don’t hear the truth because I handle it badly. I realize now that I am a bad listener and I too want to change that. Instead of trying to fix my relationship I’m going to concentrate on myself and my conversational skills. Not easy, years of bad habit to change but I’m willing so that’s a start.
I am so glad this spoke to you, Ellie! Habits are hard to change, as you say, but it can be done. Kudos to you for stepping outside your comfort zone!
Thank you for this. I am not a good listener (though I *want* to be) and this is a good reminder of how to do that.
You’re welcome, Danielle. ALL of us (yep, that definitely includes me) need reminders from time to time. Thanks for your comment.
We need a similar list for the one talking. Too much emphasis and blame is placed on a lack of listening skills when much of the breakdown lies with the talker. Not exhaustive, but I suggest the following as a start: If you’ve talked about the problems with your coworkers seven times already, then please shut up about it. Reruns are boring on television and in real life. Don’t take up precious solitudes with meaningless conversation. Try and stay focused when talking. No one should have to take notes to connect your conversational dots. Don’t talk with food in your… Read more »
I love it, Elissa! You are of course correct that listening is only half of the equation — the way we express ourselves and communicate information is the other half. Perhaps you have inspired a future post for me!
Awesome. I wholly agree, and hope that all the good talkers out there can accept this perspective. I’m going to listen attentively, carefully, and thoughtfully. In return please speak carefully and thoughtfully. On the other hand, I’ve learned from my spouse over the years that sometimes (or often, in her case) talking isn’t so much about the content as it is about the act of talking. When I analyze those conversations, instead of just letting them flow, it’s a little like analyzing the physics in Star Trek. I’m disappointed in the content and I miss out on the adventure. By… Read more »
Elissa — I followed your recommendation and wrote a post on my site as you recommended! I hope you have a chance to check it out: http://www.benstich.com/communication-in-relationships/
I give you full credit in the post! 🙂 Enjoy.
I tried to read your article with an open mind because I’ve been told I’m a bad listener, and of course i disagree with that at times. In my examples I was expected to listen to the same gripes/complaints/problems over and over. THE SAME ONES! For years! The speaker seemed to never get past this particular incident that was in the way of them moving on with their life. I truly care(d) about this person’s well-being but they didn’t seem to care to find a solution of some sort, they just wanted to complain. They also are very big on… Read more »
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response, Justin. The tips in the article are strategies that will improve listening skills and communication — but certainly are not a panacea for deeper issues and definitely not a guarantor of agreement. Have you asked her — at a neutral time (that is, not right after she brings up the issue) why she brings up the same issues repeatedly? I wonder what her answer would be… Interestingly, you wrote that you are not the stereotypical guy who tries to “fix everything” and followed it by saying that your “duty” is to offer… Read more »
Thanks GMP for publishing this post — I hope your readership finds it helpful!