Problem Solved: The Junk-Shot I.D.

Tom Matlack has a fool-proof plan to identify society’s bad men.

The news is filled with stories about how new biometric applications, originally designed for combat, are now being used in our day-to-day lives. Faces and retinas now are just as easy to trace as fingerprints. Millions of men in Iraq and Afghanistan are already on file. It’s coming to a police station or social media start-up near you. In fact, you can even get it on your smart phone.

I was reading The New York Times on my own iPhone yesterday and couldn’t avoid the ads for the new Google app. I clicked on it by accident. But once there, I decided to download it anyhow. One of the really cool things it allows you to do is take a photo of anything, and then the app will identify it.

Based on this, I began to piece together a revolutionary idea that might just solve many of the world’s problems.

Let’s frame the real problem:

  • Males are incarcerated at the rate of 1,309 inmates per 100,000 U.S. men, while the female incarceration rate was 113 per 100,000 female residents (US Census).
  • 1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime (14.8% completed rape; 2.8% attempted rape). 17.7 million American women have been victims of attempted or completed rape. 9 of every 10 rape victims were female. (
  • Prostitution and porn consumers: predominately males
  • Terrorists: male (except some noted Palestinian suicide bombers, who were recruited by men).
  • Gitmo inmates?  All male.
  • Charlie Sheen, Jesse James, Rupert Murdoch, and Bin Laden: all men.

It seems pretty obvious to me that biometrics have been focused on the wrong body part. It’s not like U.S. Military personnel have been running around the Middle East, recording eyeballs of women. Our boy Weiner may have just provided us with a crucial clue to how to save the human race. Hitler was an evil man, but he was partially right about one thing: we need to focus on the subset of the population with “inferior” genetic make-up. He just focused on race and ethnicity, rather than gender.

What we really need to do is institute a strict junk-shot security protocol in this country. We have everything we need to do it. iPhones are already used for this purpose by government officials and private citizens. Heck, we have naked images of men, taken every day as they pass through security at airports across the country. What we need is a national database of men’s male parts, so we can get our arms around sexual perversion, crime, corruption, war, and bankruptcy. As one of my distant relatives was fond of reminding me, “It all comes down to problems of the penis.”

Just think. If we had a junk-shot ID registry, not only would Weiner never have gotten himself into deep trouble by lying (he would have been instantly recognized), but our maid in distress could have pulled out her iPhone when DSK came after her with his pants down and nailed the bastard.

We could begin to regulate the sex trade as well. Want to watch some porn tonight? You gotta log in with your junk-shot ID. If you have been using too much, or the wrong kind, Big Sister can deny you access. Want to hire a prostitute? She (or he) politely asks you to pull down your pants, so she can ID you first to make sure you are free of any disease.

All this talk about Facebook being able to follow you around via facial recognition is all well and good, but what we really need is the ability to follow your junk around to make sure that you don’t get into trouble and, when you do, big Sister has the ability to inflict pain to the balls by reducing your access to sexually explicit content or in fact making public every inappropriate erection you have ever had in your life.

Yes, it’s a brave new world alright. One where technology will finally have the ability to neutralize the genetic impurity of manhood.


–photo by Yakinik 

About Tom Matlack

Thomas Matlack is a venture capitalist.


  1. Henry Vandenburgh says:

    Glad to offer mine for a registry. Can I append a personal ad?

  2. Andrew Farrell says:

    This has got to be some kind of satire. Thats the only conclusion I can draw when you cite Hitler in support of your position, not as a warning, but as a positive example.

    Needless to say, if you are serious, I plead the 4th.

  3. Referring to the male, sexual anatomy as “junk” pretty much sums up the whole point.

    Men, bad.

    Women, good.

    Take that sexist drivel out of this website.

    Oh, wait, this website is funded by whom?

  4. daffodil says:

    There are other female terrorists who weren’t necessarily recruited by men, like the bombers in the Moscow subway. If I remember correctly, the school massacre in Beslan had some female terrorists. Not that it makes much difference to the point of the article….

  5. Feminized men again. The legal system is as corrupt as ever fears not reality.

  6. *likes the big sister reference.

  7. Tom, you are forgetting that child abuse is a strong predictor of adult dysfunction, and women are doing the bulk of the child abuse and boys are bearing the loins share of it.

  8. Anonymous Male says:

    Okay, I won’t challenge the idea that men are more violent or more likely to engage in things like terrorism.

    BUT, the list of examples of “percentage of bad people who are men” leaves a lot to be desired. Just one bone to pick out of many: let’s not assume that the justice system, including Gitmo, has no selection bias about who gets locked up. I find it hard to believe that anyone is still uncritically equating Guantanamo Bay detainees with “terrorists.” To be captured by soldiers and/or intelligence operatives and/or mercenaries means you’re guilty? Seriously? The U.S government itself has even determined that about a third of them are in fact not guilty – they are still detained because there is nowhere to send them.

    If there are disproportionate numbers of some groups in prisons compared to other groups, and that is a sign of discrimination, then might the same be true of the gender distribution in prison as well?

    As for terrorism, I posit what I think of as quite a feminist idea: there are probably far more female terrorist leaders and soldiers than the public can imagine. Perhaps they are far more sophisticated than their male counterparts, who are the ones more easily caught. Perhaps women terrorists are just much smarter than their bungling, impatient male counterparts. If women can be the equal or superior in any activity that men can do, why not the violent stuff, too?

    Anyway, an interesting joke, I think. If I missed all the satire and took the “bad boys list” too seriously, I apologize.

  9. Tom

    you need to be careful about quoting people like RAINN

    Your stats from RAINN don’t include female on male rape. When female on male rape is included, men and women rape and are raped at equal rates, baring stranger rape, which is very rare.

    Also 1 in 6 boys have have an abusive or unwanted sexual experience before the age of 16.

    All the stats are on this thread, the ones on female on male rape were posted in the comments section.

  10. William says:

    You’re joking….right ?

    Me should have the right to view legal porn whenever they want and
    no one should have the power to decide how much porn they should watch.

    • Miranda says:

      It was an example that I used only because of some of the angry responses on the recent porn threads. I wasn’t saying men can’t watch porn, just as I’ve not tried to tell my fiancee that he can’t. But if his porn use began to affect his sex life with me, you’re darned right I’d tell him to cut it out, and I’d do the same for him (and DID do for my ex husband. Women watch porn too, you know).

  11. I’m sure you’re joking here but I have on serious question.

    In the long line of words used as slang for genitals why in the world do people refer to male genitals as “junk”?

    From wiki: “Waste (also known as rubbish, trash, refuse, garbage, junk, litter) is unwanted or useless materials. “

    • Miranda says:

      Yeah, Matlack….Danny asks a great question. Why does the GMP use such a derogatory term to describe male sexual anatomy? I mean….I don’t even have to leave this page to see that word used in the titles of three articles. That’s kind of crass and disrespectful if you ask me.

  12. Miranda says:

    I’m quickly learning that a quick way to suss out a person’s “goodness” (or, to stay in line with the self-pitying ‘the world hates men’ tone of this article–a man’s goodness) is to simply tell them “Some women don’t like it when their partners us porn because it causes yucky things to happen in the bedroom.”

    If a man reflexively resorts to bullying, shaming, projection, distraction, steamrollng, and/or name-calling at the person who dares to threaten his all-important manner of sexual self-pleasure, then he’s not necessarilly a “bad man”, but chances are he’s a jerk with zero ability to give a d*mn about anyone but himself. Although, in the real world this would apply to women as well.


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