Tom Matlack has a fool-proof plan to identify society’s bad men.
The news is filled with stories about how new biometric applications, originally designed for combat, are now being used in our day-to-day lives. Faces and retinas now are just as easy to trace as fingerprints. Millions of men in Iraq and Afghanistan are already on file. It’s coming to a police station or social media start-up near you. In fact, you can even get it on your smart phone.
I was reading The New York Times on my own iPhone yesterday and couldn’t avoid the ads for the new Google app. I clicked on it by accident. But once there, I decided to download it anyhow. One of the really cool things it allows you to do is take a photo of anything, and then the app will identify it.
Based on this, I began to piece together a revolutionary idea that might just solve many of the world’s problems.
Let’s frame the real problem:
- Males are incarcerated at the rate of 1,309 inmates per 100,000 U.S. men, while the female incarceration rate was 113 per 100,000 female residents (US Census).
- 1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime (14.8% completed rape; 2.8% attempted rape). 17.7 million American women have been victims of attempted or completed rape. 9 of every 10 rape victims were female. (Rainn.org)
- Prostitution and porn consumers: predominately males
- Terrorists: male (except some noted Palestinian suicide bombers, who were recruited by men).
- Gitmo inmates? All male.
- Charlie Sheen, Jesse James, Rupert Murdoch, and Bin Laden: all men.
It seems pretty obvious to me that biometrics have been focused on the wrong body part. It’s not like U.S. Military personnel have been running around the Middle East, recording eyeballs of women. Our boy Weiner may have just provided us with a crucial clue to how to save the human race. Hitler was an evil man, but he was partially right about one thing: we need to focus on the subset of the population with “inferior” genetic make-up. He just focused on race and ethnicity, rather than gender.
What we really need to do is institute a strict junk-shot security protocol in this country. We have everything we need to do it. iPhones are already used for this purpose by government officials and private citizens. Heck, we have naked images of men, taken every day as they pass through security at airports across the country. What we need is a national database of men’s male parts, so we can get our arms around sexual perversion, crime, corruption, war, and bankruptcy. As one of my distant relatives was fond of reminding me, “It all comes down to problems of the penis.”
Just think. If we had a junk-shot ID registry, not only would Weiner never have gotten himself into deep trouble by lying (he would have been instantly recognized), but our maid in distress could have pulled out her iPhone when DSK came after her with his pants down and nailed the bastard.
We could begin to regulate the sex trade as well. Want to watch some porn tonight? You gotta log in with your junk-shot ID. If you have been using too much, or the wrong kind, Big Sister can deny you access. Want to hire a prostitute? She (or he) politely asks you to pull down your pants, so she can ID you first to make sure you are free of any disease.
All this talk about Facebook being able to follow you around via facial recognition is all well and good, but what we really need is the ability to follow your junk around to make sure that you don’t get into trouble and, when you do, big Sister has the ability to inflict pain to the balls by reducing your access to sexually explicit content or in fact making public every inappropriate erection you have ever had in your life.
Yes, it’s a brave new world alright. One where technology will finally have the ability to neutralize the genetic impurity of manhood.
- The Boston Globe: “John H. Gass hadn’t had a traffic ticket in years, so the Natick resident was surprised this spring when he received a letter from the Massachusetts Registry of Motor Vehicles informing him to cease driving because his license had been revoked.”
- The Wall Street Journal: “Dozens of law-enforcement agencies from Massachusetts to Arizona are preparing to outfit their forces with controversial hand-held facial-recognition devices as soon as September, raising significant questions about privacy and civil liberties.”
- The Wall Street Journal: “Police forces across the country are planning to start using new mobile technology later this year that can identify suspects and instantly reveal their criminal history based on a picture of their face or iris, the colored portion of an eye.”
- Innovation Policy Blog: “This week has seen a flurry of articles on the Facebook Photo Tagging feature after the security firm Sophos posted a story on its blog noting that this feature, which had previously been limited to North American users, had now been extended to other regions.”
–photo by Yakinik