Robin Rice has learned that sometimes anger can be a force for good in the world. All you have to do is let it move you.
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Anger.
It’s a bad thing, right? It’s lowbrow for spiritual types. Better to “OMM” your way through, don’t you think?
No. I don’t think.
Anger is not primitive on the journey of enlightenment. Jesus overthrew the tables when he got angry at the moneychangers. Buddha might have been grieving for the world at large when he left his wife and child and the life of a prince, but my guess is he was also just a wee bit angry that his family shielded him from the true nature of the world for those less fortunate throughout his entire early life.
Anger is real. It’s normal. It’s natural. And I believe it’s holy, in the right expression.
My good friend Eve Bruce says, if you’re not depressed, you’re not awake. I say, if you are depressed, it’s pretty likely you are angry. That’s not philosophical blowing smoke. I was clinically depressed from age 11 to age 35.
Of course, I didn’t know I was angry. I thought I loved the world and people and nature and everything. How could I be angry? Yet nearly everyone I ever met said I was angry. After a while, I had to consider it might be true. But what was I angry about?
Turns out, EVERYTHING.
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No, seriously. The world was just plain screwed up, people were mean and ugly to each other, there was no real soul to anything, and suffering was a constant for too many people, not to mention animals and the earth itself. What’s NOT to be angry about?
Once I tapped in to those feelings, it was like striking oil. Everything gushed anger.
The human condition? A shit-bag, flea-infested, rotting corpse, if you asked me. Mean people suck. Well, yes! And because of them, bullied kids kill themselves. As. In. DEAD. So mean people don’t just suck, they are living, breathing terrorists. And everyone, including the school principal, is okay with this?
The rolling aspects of my anger do not spew out onto others. But that doesn’t mean I’m not angry. It means I let my anger move me.
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I fumed: How could you look around and not see all there is to be angry about? How could you not rage? And then, once the depression turned to what it really was—pure, holy, hot anger—how could all this be going on with no one DOING something about it? How can we all just sit here and pretend it is all just the way things are?
I’ve gotten over the emotional bleeding-out aspects of my anger. I’m not a festering pool of angry goo. The rolling aspects of my anger do not spew out onto others. But that doesn’t mean I’m not angry.
It means I let my anger move me.
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Have you ever seen a pot boil without the waters rolling? Of course not. It’s the nature of boiling water to roll.
It’s also the nature of anger to move.
Try to be angry and sit still. Oh sure, if you are trying to release the anger, or transcend it, or stuff it, you can sit still with it… with a lot of effort. But to let the anger be what it is, to have it’s say and to move you, you must move.
Imagine a woman who is beaten by her husband. What happens if she gets angry? She doesn’t just sit there. She doesn’t take a long pull on her cigarette, a glazed look in her eye, and silently hope he got it out of his system for good this time.
I know about this first hand. Not because I was hit, but because I was in the next room when a woman I babysat for was beaten to a pulp by her husband. I was 13 years old when I woke to the sound of a fist hitting flesh. And screams. And pleading. And drunken swearing. And a telephone being ripped out of a wall.
It’s not low-brow to get angry. It’s sane.
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He didn’t know I was there, and terrified, I slipped out the back way and to a neighboring house to call the police. Thing is, she didn’t want me to do that. Apparently, it caused more trouble.
When I looked at her the next day, her face black and blue and her lip cut wide open, all I got in response to my naive “How can you stand it?” was that long pull on the cigarette, that glazed look, and a shrug. I never saw her again.
She didn’t let her anger move her. But I let it move me. Not right away. Not until I got past my own hells and my own depression. But I did. And I still do. It’s not low-brow to get angry. It’s sane.
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Being a “spiritual” type (a term I don’t always like), many expect me to be nicey-nice, to be gentle and calm and well, all spiritual-like. They get uncomfortable when I don’t play it that way. But anger is an appropriate response to the violent, unjust, and deeply damaging things you see out there in the world. It’s a force for good, if used wisely.
Creativity is the only way I know to let the pot come to a rolling boil inside you and not scald everyone in your path.
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But how? How do we as mindful men and women sustain a healthy anger, and yet not let it eat us alive? How do we move with our anger, embracing the truth about the ugly world that comes at us from a thousand directions, and yet not become just another angry person? How do we not take on the ugliness ourselves?
We. Get. Creative.
Creativity is the only way I know to let the pot come to a rolling boil inside you and not scald everyone in your path. Creativity needs fire. It needs energy. And anger is as good a fuel source as any.
A few years ago, I led women in five cities to create music videos that shared our values in the world. Values like self-worth, real beauty, honoring our ancestors, and supporting our young. For the rest of my life I will remember one of our tribe, a large woman who wasn’t at all sure she was beautiful, out in middle of a bustling New York City street smiling and blowing a kiss straight into the camera. She was afraid, but she did it anyway. It was the sweetest Fuck You I’ve ever seen.
Last year I created YourHolidayMom.com. I was sick to my stomach over how many kids were so deeply lonely, and even killing themselves (often), because they were gay or bi-sexual or transgender or queer. I had just such a brother myself, and even with our mother’s love, he took his own life. I’d been boiling over that one for years.
And so finally, last year, I just had to wonder… How many beautiful young people didn’t have a mom saying what every child needs to hear: “I love you no matter what?” And how much good could we do if we stepped up and said it ourselves? So I gathered forty moms and a few dads and we made a video and wrote letters and put them onto a blog.
In 40 days we had more than 35,000 interactions. We made people cry, in a good way. But the one comment that sticks with me most of all, and will for the rest of my life, is a young woman writing saying that she was holding her brother as he sobbed—neither of them had ever thought they would hear a mother say they were loved and accepted for who they are.
Take that mother-f*cker ugly distorted moms. I’ll love your kid even if you won’t.
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Maybe you don’t think that last line is enlightened. Maybe you think it unnecessary roughness. Maybe you think I shouldn’t say the eff word. Maybe you think I should have more compassion. Be more… I don’t know… nice.
Maybe on some days, I agree with you. But not on the days when that young boy is sobbing in his sister’s arms. On those days, I am not the archetype of Mother Mary Full Of Grace, I am Babayaga who rides around on a broom and has a tongue long enough to lick her own ass. On those days, you don’t want to screw with me, because the water is boiling and I am about to DO something.
About all you can do then is roll up your sleeves and help.
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Photo: Shutterstock/author
Robin, I really appreciate your piece and honor the role of anger, the archetype of Kali, as raging powerful woman. But it saddens me that you don’t take it farther to then understand that all of the dysfunction of the mothers who can’t take care of their kids, is because of their deep woundedness. And compassion and kindness is more healing than throwing anger back toward them, even just stating your anger in your article. I honor your making the case about the power of anger. It is motivating, it is good… and then it is time to go beyond… Read more »
Indeed, Mare, you are quite right about the mother’s pain, as well, but keep in mind this piece was intended as a momentary expression of what is not expressed enough, not a definitive treatise. As cause for reasonable anger has not ceased in the world, so to simply “move through” cannot be the answer. The creative process allows for the positive processing of angers, which is my point. Thanks for commenting!
Great article Robin .. LET THE EMOTION HAVE ITS SAY .. inspiring as always
Bless you Dolores for stopping by!
“She was afraid but she did it anyway…”
What powerful words…! That is what true courage is….it starts with just naming what is bugging you, even if you won’t admit it to yourself at first…there is so much denial of anger, of humiliation, of hurt….once it gets to a boiling point, you write about it…and it gets out there and gets heard…and a little steam is released…aaahhh!! It helps to join like-minded organizations and to get politically active and to connect with other people for the same cause….that can transform the rage and anger into something else…
Indeed, if you do not find yourself to be one who is creating the change, by all means please help those who are already in progress. Connecting with others over a passionate cause can be life changing! Thanks for your thoughts.
Thank you Robin for your powerful and concise endorsement of the feeling of anger. As you mention, too much of the “new age” spiritual propaganda dismisses anger, but it is part of the process to change and cannot be detoured. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross showed us the steps – denial, bargaining, depression, anger and acceptance. This is different that the standard presentation of the steps, but practically we often use mind tricks to delay the depression as long as possible and once we are in it, it takes a good shot of holy anger to blast us out of depression into acceptance… Read more »
Oh yes, anger is so different than rage or hate. Entirely. Thanks for pointing that out here. Healing is needed for the deep wounds, of course. Thanks for sharing!
I believe in deeply, truly, fully feeling every feeling as it may arise. Feeling a feeling though, is different to ACTING on those feelings. The truth of my experience is if I feel anger in its entirety, if I fully feel the feeling, and hang out with it, it transforms into enormous strength. I’m not dumping my anger onto someone else. I’m simply feeling the feeling. Feeling the red hot rage and flaming anger. Truly leaning into that angry feeling. Same goes with hate. If I truly feel the feeling of hate; truly hang out with it and feel it… Read more »
Yes! We are talking here (I hope!) about acting in a positive way. Of using the anger to create good, and not dump on others. I tend to talk in terms of harrowing emotions, aka drama, and harboring emotions, which is more akin to stuffing them down. Both extremes do no good. White hot holy anger channeled into a project or creative act for good is the action I offer above. Good points Camilla. Thanks for speaking to this.
Robin, a fine and very-needed piece on the value and power of anger — until: We. Get. Creative. All the following — about using creativity to express anger — seems like it belongs in an entirely different posting, one about creativity. The confusing cap to that section was the sentence: …neither of them had ever thought they would hear a mother say they were loved and accepted for who they are.” What does that have to do with the entire issue of using anger to move yourself — out of a bad relationship, a lousy job, or even to clarify… Read more »
Hi Zigy, I don’t think there was any confusion in the manuscript. I’m sorry the thread didn’t run through for you… it did for me. They are completely connected for me.