Why Does It Matter How Many Partners She’s Had?

Hugo Schwyzer explains why guys are so preoccupied with getting women’s sex stats—and why they should just let it go.

Judging from what I read online and hear from my students, the question of the “number” is as compelling as ever. This month, Marie Claire ran an article, “What’s Your Number?” in which five women (whose numbers ranged from zero to 100) told their stories. The March issue of Cosmopolitan Australia features the same discussion, noting that 59 percent of readers surveyed thought knowing a partner’s exact number was important, and that 33 percent of those same readers had lied about their own pasts, claiming fewer sexual partners than they’d actually had.

(A quick note: most people use “the number” to refer to the count of people with whom they’ve had heterosexual intercourse. Any kind of sex that doesn’t involve a penis inside a vagina usually “doesn’t count.” A lot of us are like Bill Clinton in that regard, not seeing oral sex as real sex. This is a very limited—and limiting—understanding of what sex really is. But that’s a topic for another day.)

♦◊♦

It’s understandable to be curious about the sexual lives of our peers. It makes sense to want to know what the averages are. (According to the experts at the Kinsey Institute, the average number of lifetime sexual partners for men aged 30 to 44 is around seven, while for women in that same age group, it’s four—both lower than you might think).

But the number has different meanings for men and women. The old double standard is still alive and well: a man with more sexual partners than his buddies may be teasingly called a “man whore,” but the epithet is a compliment, not an insult. Ask a woman who has dared reveal her number to someone who considers it too high, and she’ll surely tell you a story of being “slut-shamed.”

It’s quite common for a guy to worry about a girlfriend’s sexual past. Too many men are still raised to see sex as crude competition, in which bedding a woman who has already had a lot of lovers counts less than scoring with a woman who is “hard to get.” But I think the average guy’s worry is simpler than that. The more men his girlfriend has slept with, the greater number of lovers to which she can compare his skills. It’s easier to win a contest against two than against 20, he figures. And even easier to rank first when he’s the only one to have ever played the game. No wonder so many men—in this country and around the world—are obsessed with finding a virgin.

This is the real reason why so many men get so filled with rage at sexually experienced women. And of course, it’s the real reason so many women feel compelled to lie about their number.

♦◊♦

Too many women have told their boyfriends their real number, only to be nagged incessantly for explicit details. (One friend of mine recounted to me in horror how her current boyfriend stopped one day in the middle of giving her oral sex to ask how his technique compared.) Other women find that their boyfriends endlessly psychoanalyze the reasons for a number that they think is too high: “Did you sleep with so many men because your father left you when you were a child?” (If I had a dollar for every woman I know who’s been asked that question, I could buy everyone reading this a Slurpee. Seriously.)

At this point, some men are probably protesting: “But I don’t slut-shame or endlessly analyze. For me, it’s not all about competing with other guys. Isn’t the number an important thing to know about someone you might be serious about? Isn’t it something I have a right to know?”

That sounds reasonable. But again, why is it so important to know an exact number? What difference does it make? Knowing whether a potential girlfriend has ever been in love before is important; discovering (slowly and patiently) how her past experiences have impacted her view of men (for better or worse) is important. But really, what’s the difference whether she’s slept with four or 14 men? She isn’t defined by her number—and if there’s a chance you might change how you see her when you discover the truth (should she tell you), why ask?

This has nothing to do, by the way, with asking about sexual health. It’s a great idea to talk about sexually transmitted infections; it’s a great idea for a new couple to get tested before having unprotected sex. We have a right to know if a potential partner has herpes. But the exact number itself is altogether different.

♦◊♦

I lost my virginity at 17 to my high-school girlfriend. She was a year younger but much more sexually experienced. She was my first for anything that went below the waist; I was the fifth guy she’d had sex with. I’d asked her number, of course, and then fought hard not to obsess about the four boys who had “been there” before me. But I saw the pain my questions caused her. And I came to realize that it didn’t matter.

I don’t know my wife’s number. I’ve never asked her. She’s never asked for mine. I know enough from the stories she’s told to know that there was more than one guy before me; she knows enough about my past to figure out that she can’t count my lovers on her fingers. Beyond that, we—who have shared so much sexually and emotionally in our nine years as a couple, six years as spouses, and two years as parents together—don’t need to know more specifics.

When we’re in a monogamous relationship, what we have a right to insist on is that no names get added to the list after our own. It doesn’t matter if I’m number five or 55. I’ll be crushed if my wife adds a number six or a 56 behind my back.

But the right to ask to be last is not the same as the right to know how far we are from the first. And for me, part of being a good man is knowing what I don’t need to know.

♦◊♦

Other Stories From the Good Men Project Magazine:

Men and the Sexualization of Young Girls

♦◊♦

Husband Confronts Abortion Protesters [VIDEO]

♦◊♦

Why Don’t Men Initiate Divorce?

♦◊♦

Red-Hot Monogamy

♦◊♦

Marriage: Just Don’t

♦◊♦

The Prostitute Who Saved My Relationship

♦◊♦

Are Men Natural-Born Cheaters?

♦◊♦

What Your Marriage Needs to Survive

♦◊♦

—Photo by eflon/Flickr

Why Does It Matter How Many Partners She’s Had?

NOW TRENDING ON GMP TV

Super Villain or Not, Parenting Paranoia Ensues
The Garbage Man Explains Happiness
How To Not Suck At Dating

Premium Membership, The Good Men Project

About Hugo Schwyzer

Hugo Schwyzer has taught history and gender studies at Pasadena City College since 1993, where he developed the college's first courses on Men and Masculinity and Beauty and Body Image. He serves as co-director of the Perfectly Unperfected Project, a campaign to transform young people's attitudes around body image and fashion. Hugo lives with his wife, daughter, and six chinchillas in Los Angeles. Hugo blogs at his website

Comments

  1. The author doesn’t have a clue and I will tell you why:

    He has had more sex partners than he can count on his fingers. Therefore, sex to him is meaningless. It would be a double-standard for him to worry about his wife’s past when he has more of one.

    However, some of us guys have been with women who are far more experienced and, yes, it does matter. It’s not about comparing my sexual technique to other men. Who cares? It’s about trying to understand my wife’s psyche, how she views sex, and how she interacts with men. As her husband, that affects me a great deal.

    • Julie Gillis says:

      How so?

    • i don't believe you says:

      I think partner count informs more about a woman’s sexuality than a man’s.

      • I agree w/ Taime. Different people are programmed with different biological strategies (that are often acted out unconsciously). For women, a couple common strategies are finding a good partner & being loyal to him only, or finding the best combinations of genes and resources from a variety of men. Of course a person’s rationality can trump their wiring, but people usually behave somewhat along the lines of their wiring. A woman w/ many previous partners will always have the same programming. She might make a conscious effort to act a certain way: a natural sperm collector might mold herself into a one-man woman, or she could fall in line w/ her nature & cheat on him.

        • Hang on a moment, are you also applying that to men? Are you saying that a man who has had many sexual partners will always have the same programming? And that a man with few sexual partners will also always have the same programming?

        • You do realize this implies that 3.5 billion people are all more or less the same – and completely different from another group of 3.5 billing people?

          Maybe some women – and some men – believe the same way you do. Maybe some don’t. Maybe some women are wired differently biologically.

          There’s a lot of variety out there (and no need to come back and point out that *you* wouldn’t want to date a man or woman who was wired differently – irrelevant).

      • Leroy Joseph says:

        And why would that be? Because a guy who sleeps with a lot of women is a stud and a women who sleeps with a lot of men is a slut? Obviously this is a guy’s POV and as a guy, I just don’t agree with it.
        In fact, I find this whole conversation demeaning to women.

        I would rather be very happy with my rather experienced wife (which also makes her an experienced lover) who I get along with fabulously than be married to a stuck-up bitchy woman who was a virgin when I married her.

      • Leroy Joseph says:

        Why is that? You are making a statement without any kind of facts or argument to back it up. If it is just your opinion, you should qualify that. I would like to hear the logic or experience behind your statement. Why does it tell more about a woman from the number of sexual partners she has had than a man? I don’t get it.

    • it is on the mind of alot of guys how many has your wife slept with, i met my wife 10yrs ago when she was 30 yrs old, i knew back then she had slept with a few guys and it didnt worry me at all, but recently after a few drinks in front of close friends she came out with the number 80 or more, to her she felt it was a normal amount, my thoughts about her has changed alot but i keep them to myself, i love her to bits and no it hasnt got to get the better of me, for the record ive slept with 6 females, and to be honest if i knew what i no now i wouldnt have gone out with her, but like i said i do love her and i have to let her past not to get to me, peter

      • Leroy Joseph says:

        Sorry, but what you are saying make no sense. You say you love your wife, but if you had known how many men she had slept with you wouldn’t have gone out with her? She is exactly the same person now as she was before she told you about the 80 guys. Nothing has changed other than the fact that you seem pretty hung up about it. She choose to marry you, you love her, so accept her for who she is and get over it! From my experience, that isn’t an outrageous number for a woman. Unlike men, they can get laid as many times as they want any day of the week. So what?

      • It actually speaks pretty highly of you that she chose you knowing quite a bit about what sorts of other guys she could have had. Obviously, you’ve got some fairly special qualities that set you apart from most men! (For the record, that’s what a woman whose dated a bit would see in your story.) Sounds like an occasion to pat yourself on the back to me, bro.

        • Yes Rachel she had her fun with an assortment of men then wanted to settle down with a different kind of guy. Promiscuous women rarely want promiscuous men when they are ready to settle down. In the case of Peter’s wife she had to lie to secure the relationship since deep down she knew he would never accept her as she was / is. The fact Peter posted on this forum indicates he is struggling with his wife’s past indescretions and it will continue to eat at him in subtle ways until one day it manifests itself in an ugly manner. I wonder if Peter has children with this woman and is now vested in the relationship so it will be much more painful to disengage.

          • How do you know that promiscuous women don’t want to date promiscuous men? Have you talked to every woman ever? Some people are simply about the connection, chemistry, and level of getting along with the person. Some people are about compatibility, regardless of the journey it took to get there.

            • I have had more than my share of VERY promiscuous women find their way into my life and I am not sure why I attract them. I don’t claim to know the inner working of every woman’ mind. In my experience men AND women don’t want to settle down with promiscuous partners. Its not always the case but the majoirty of the time it is.

      • 80 or more? WTF?? My God, that is disgusting and sick. If my girlfriend has slept with that many men, I’d would puke out vomit and break up with her ass. That just shows that a person has no respect for themselves, regardless of gender. Thankfully, me and my girlfriend lost our virginities to each other. I could not put up with being a sloppy 81st. A person’s sexual history matters, it’s too many STD’s out here.

        • Okay. We’ve been dancing around the truth. You”open minded” men a really trying to deny the feelings created by the truth. NO MAN knowingly wants to marry a s.l…t. Admit it is the truth. Mainly because of trust. I found out ALL OF IT after the rings were on the fingers. If I knew the truth I could have made a decision. Talk about the height of manipulation. Ladies, you do what you so and you get what you get. You limit yourselves to having long term relationships with low lives.

      • Scott80000 says:

        You’re a good man, Peter. Fact is, when some of us find out these details about our partners, the answer hurts even if we don’t want it to. This is a pretty easy thing to talk with a counselor about; I highly recommend doing it, unless you are sure that it doesn’t bother you. My first wife left me because she felt that I was not able to process her answer to my question (14 years before!). It’s complicated stuff. And, on behalf of humankind, I apologize for Jason9000’s remarks. Keep the faith, and don’t be afraid to face this head on.

    • lee_terry says:

      Honestly since I think sex should only happen between people who are in love and have been in a serious relationship for at least 2 months (preferably longer) I have a different opinion. I only want to be with women who feel the same way I do on that and so that # is somewhat important. If the woman has had more then 15 partners at my age (28) it will tell me that she isnt the type to settle down for long term and that she probably doesnt feel the same about sex that I do. I am at 4 partners so far not counting myself or toys (masturbation). However I would not turn a woman down just because she has had more partners then I am comfortable with I would simply let her know how I feel about sex and that if she couldnt handle waiting till we are both ready without trying to pressure me then it wouldnt work between us. Sometimes it takes them some time to realize that I am serious and I am not just pretending to be the nice guy cuz I think that is what they want. Which to be honest I believe most women are opposite (they prefer the bad guys) because of personal experience but bringing that up with a woman is a bad idea.

  2. Balancing act says:

    As a woman I have never quite understood the meaning men are seeking when asking this question, my respect for them drops dramatically if they have an issue with my answer. Sex can be a wonderous and beautiful experience and when ego’s get in the way it truly ruins what its all about.

    • ditto!

      • Leroy Joseph says:

        Got to agree with you ladies. That is one question I have never asked a woman. Who she slept with before me is really none of my business as long unless she doesn’t have an STD.

    • I saw a (scarring) video in college – some frat house with a couple “doing it” on a table for an all-male audience of frat boys. What shocked me was that most of the audience in the video weren’t really watching the female “performer” or reacting to her. They were making random comments for their buddies’ to hear, then kept glancing at each other to see what the other guys were saying, doing, reacting to. The experience appeared to have more to do with bonding among the guys than it had anything to do with either the sex involved or the nude woman four feet away.

      Regardless of how that might affect your esteem of the opposite sex, I think this is something of a ranking system for men, who do – from a female’s perspective – seem to constantly be ranking their sexuality against that of other men’s. If guy A lands a virgin, and he tells his buddies that, it’s code for, “I have a woman that (a) no other guy has this knowledge of” – and honestly, running in to a boyfriend or husband’s ex who has also hooked up with him can be awkward for women too – “and (b) she thinks I’m the best.” For guy B, in the competition to seem like a sexual expert to his partner, that might be a quality that he feels insecure about because his wife was married before and engaged before and dated quite a bit and what if, deep down, she doesn’t think he’s awesome, etc.

      Disgusting, but it is what it is. And as the comments and this story show, it’s a mindset that not all men suffer from by any stretch. I’ve dated a lot of guys who just really do not want to know.

    • MarkGrokowski says:

      I’m sorry to disagree with you.Its not about ego its about trust I can tell my girlfriend how many partners I’ve had with no problem why shouldn’t she do the same. What is bothersome to us is that the number of partners you have had says a great deal about your character would you go out with someone who had sex with over 100 partners STDS aside you have to wonder does this person have no self control? Can I trust them?Whats to stop them from having more partners?Sex is a wonderful thing but when its not with someone you love then its not meaningful. I’m 19 years old and one thing I can tell you is that the people of this world have no more self control the majority ultimately give into temptation creating divorces for example so yea I think it is kinda of important to know.

  3. The whole thing behind it is to get an idea of the chances that she might have slept with a guy who has a bigger penis. That is the whole reason to ask the question end of story. if she tells you that she slept with 20 guys its not the number that worries you its the iseo that one of those guys had a 12 inch penis while you only have a 6 inch one. And then you start thinking that you cant satisfy her like him so you try not having sex.

    • Julie Gillis says:

      You do realize That the size of the penis may not be the most satisfying part of the men?

    • Leroy Joseph says:

      I remember a cigarette commercial from years ago that went something like this, “It is not how long you make it, but how you make it long.” I remember reading an article with Linda Lovelace years ago where she said it wasn’t the size of the dick that mattered, but how well it was used. My wife has a FB with 12.” Does that make me feel inadequate? No. We have a great sex life together and she says I am a perfect size for her. I think she is telling the truth on that, but if not, she is happy with me and being kind at the same time. There seems to be a lot of insecure guys out there.

      • Leroy Joseph says:

        Oops, I meant to say “had a FB.” I wouldn’t want to falsely accuse my wife of any hanky-panky. Not that ti would bother me all that much if she was.

  4. Oh i do but thats what men think. And hes lying if he says other whys.

  5. Leroy Joseph says:

    My wife was married once and slept with lots of men before I met her. She also had several regular fuck buddies. She tells me about her past experiences and it does not bother me, if fact, I have enjoyed hearing about them, And yes one of the guys was 12″ and others were 8″ or 9″, I am only 6″; so what? We have great sex together and I am glad that she is a very experienced lover who really knows how to please a man. If my wife had of worked at a brothel before I met her and slept with 1000 men, why would that have made any difference to me? I love her for who she is now. Why are men studs when they sleep with lots of partners, but women are sluts if they do the same. It is not fair. Women are just as much sexual beings as men; in some ways they are more sexual.

    • bless you heart, my point exactly!

      • Leroy Joseph says:

        Thanks, AM.

        My wife told me that her first husband would fly into a rage if she so much as even mentioned an ex-boyfriend let alone talk about her past sexual experiences. He was an a-hole and she eventually left him as he became more and more abusive. She also said that when ever he wanted sex, she had to immediately drop what she was doing and service him whether she was in the mood or not else he would get angry and scare her. Even though they were married, isn’t this just a form of rape? What an awful way to live. If I am in the mood and my wife isn’t, sometimes she will do it to be loving and make me happy, other-times she will just say “not now, sweetie” and I can always take care of it myself if I am that randy. I would never pressure my wife or any other woman into sex. That is just wrong.

    • People who care about a prospective partner’s sexual history have every right to do so. It’s no different than someone who wants to know other aspects of someone’s life history, such as if they’ve been married and, if so, to whom and how many times. Some people wouldn’t be interested in someone who was married and divorced several times, and would want to know if that was the case.

      • But why do you want the information? I would want to know about prior marriages / divorces because they might indicate that this person has a tendency to get serious with people who are a poor match … or is a poor partner in some way themselves. I would want to know if they have kids because if married, my salary could also be garnished for their child support payments. I would want to know if they had STDs for obvious reasons – I could get them. I would want to know their views on casual sex, one-night stands, etc. because that tells me a lot about their views on sex, relating to the opposite gender, permissiveness, impulsivity, risk-taking, and in the course of these discussions, likely a real sense for whether they see women as whole people with the capadity to be sexual and smart and wise and self-preservational at the same time … or whether they suffer from some level of virgin-whore complex.

        But no where in that information-gathering do I need to know *exactly* how many people they’ve slept with. If you really need to know if you’re the “biggest”, frankly, you could ask that without knowing how many people she’s slept with. If the first guy a girl slept with made her see the face of God, and the second guy she slept with was average in skill but hung like an elephant, you’re going to be number three and have a false sense of security. And if your virgin bride hooks up with the pool boy in year 20 of your marriage and he’s bigger – well, tough cookies for you.

        Women really don’t think like men do here in most cases. There are SO many other qualities to go into being a good partner, in bed or in life. And a guy who has that magical chemistry and compatibility that makes things amazing for you physically is going to have to have the qualities that matter to that specific woman. We don’t all want the same thing, we don’t all want the same guy, and the woman whose been with 100 guys and has her head on straight knows what’s out there, knows what she can expect from the best and the worst that the male gender has to offer …. she is an experienced connoisseur of the male sex and is unlikely to settle for a bargain-bin, high-maintenance, low-offering inadequate speciman of manhood. Not only does she know better, she’s proven to herself that she can get better. If most men understood the female brain/life experience a bit more, they’d either not care, or they’d be bragging that a woman with her pick of the litter and the knowledge to make a well-informed choice ….. chose them.

        • Eric M. says:

          “But why do you want the information?”

          I don’t want or need any information since I’m married. However, some people want that information for the same reasons you say you want other information. The rationale is the same. It’s just different information.

          So, you each either tell whatever the other wants to know or each only tell them what you want them to know.

  6. Frankly, every spouse has the fundamental right to hear a number of things from their partner: One, I love you more than anyone else I’ve ever loved; two, I’ll be faithful to you; three, you’re the best I’ve ever been with (and I don’t just mean that BS emotional connection crap, which women use as a dodge when their current man doesn’t measure up in some fashion). Frankly, if any of these things isn’t the case, the marriage isn’t on the kind of bedrock foundation it should be.

    • why do you have the right to hear you are the best she has ever had? o_0 What if it isn’t so? What if she had better and lost him? He died, was an ass88le (yeah, that emotional :crap again – says a lot about you as a person, I think, btw) Do you want her to LIE to you?? What a douchebag – “he has a right”! If you gonna count your “rihgts” going to marriage, not what you are ready to give, might as well budget for another legal procedure…

      • Leroy Joseph says:

        I agree with AM. What is the point in lying to each other? Some of the sex I have had with my wife has been some of the best I have ever had. But in a relationship there is an ebb and tide; things get hot and things cool down. You can’t be 100% all the time. So I have also had some of the best sex I have ever had with some of my former spouses and lovers. I didn’t know that love and sex was a contest? Every person and relationship is precious and unique. I am not into comparing apples to oranges. My wife has had lots of lovers in her life, but she says only four men out of all of them were “great lovers who were unselfish, patient and understood how to really satisfy a woman.” Happily she includes me in that list ; I work hard at giving her pleasure and always put that before my own needs and then when I finally have my turn, it is more like a reward. The fact that three other men also on on that list doesn’t bother me in the least. Congratulations to them, my wife is a very beautiful, intelligent, passionate and discerning woman; they are obviously are very capable lovers and I hope they enjoyed being with my her as much as I do. I know she enjoyed them very much.

    • Charlie says:

      So what you’re saying is that for a marriage to survive and have a good foundation, it must be the best sex you’ve ever had? Or the partner must lie to their spouse? That’s so narrow minded! What you’re implying is that if it’s not the best sex between the two, the relationship won’t work. This is very wrong. I had multiple sexual partners before I settled down with my husband to whom I’ve been married for 25 years happily and the third man I had sex with was the best sex of my life and he is not my husband. But I love my husband to pieces and this has never bothered me and I would never change my mind and go back to the other man simply because he was better in bed. Marriage is about accepting flaws and balancing your strengths and weaknesses. Your relationship should be centered around an emotional connection not your penis!

    • I find that concept to be interesting. Flawed, but interesting. I recently married a woman who has an extremely wild past. She was in a relationship wiath a guy that would go to message parlor for hand jobs and oral sex. She told me she would have given him a b-job whenever he wanted to save that relationship. She always tells me i’m the love of her life. I’m her dream come true. I’ve had three in the 3+ years we’ve been together. Bottom line, women that have been promiscuous in the past think they can take it easy and not have to concern themselves with their husband/partners happiness. Unfortunately, we’re the ones that should matter the most. And promiscuous women wonder why they can’t keep good men. Huh… not too hard to figure out.

  7. The question depends on the stage of the relationship. If serious, it speaks to honesty and potentially closing a past chapter in your life. Regardless the number it is important to know you are the last partner. It is also important if you may run across a past lover, in so much as no one wants to be surprised to find out their spouse or partner had sex with a friend, co-worker, or shared acquaintance.

    • And I might add that sometimes those past experiences can be shared with tour partner and it can spice things up a bit. We try to minimize secrets in our relationship. We know most everything about Each other,to include sex. It all depends on the couple.

  8. Thank God for this post! I’ve been asking the same question. Most of the time women have more sex partners than men. I have a diverse group of girlfriends from the shy introverted accountant to the full body tattooed artist. No matter what type of girl they are, they all have had numerous sex partners; well into the double digits. Don’t be fooled by the innocent looking ones. On the other hand, my male friends are primarily in the single digits. This may be why men increase numbers and women decrease numbers. When I was 21, I moved in with three college girls, all of whom had more sex partners than I did. Not only were they younger than me by a year or two but they had sex at a younger age. With only two partners under my belt, I felt I needed to catch up. Why was I even keeping my youthful, college attending legs closed? Needless to say I caught up; I think I even got ahead. Let’s face it; women get more sex offers than men. Given more opportunities, we often take them up. Due to courting dynamics, it’s harder for men to get laid because they have to put in a lot of work to get there. Just because women get more sex offers doesn’t make it qualitative. We mainly get quantity over quality. Thus we keep screwing until we find someone who meets our sexual expectations and other ones too. It’s quite an exhaustive process. I like to shop but not for good sex.
    If asked, I will gladly share my numbers with a man unashamed. His reaction will tell me how confident he is and give insight on how he views women. Honestly, if he were truly confident he wouldn’t ask. Many men ask out of insecurity, fear of her running off and fear of measuring up. Most men are intrigued by virgins not just because of the purity aspect but because she has zero point of reference. How will she know if he is good or not? Most men desire to be the best she has ever had. With higher numbers, the chances of him being a sexual rock star that can rock her boat like no other grow slimmer and slimmer. Men ask for numbers to satisfy their egos and put rest to their insecurities. Many men will deny this by saying ‘I just want to know if she is clean’. Well, ask if she has or has had an STD instead. Both get checked. Wear a condom and hope for the best. She could contract an STD by sleeping with just one partner. Numbers have little to do with cleanliness. Don’t ask an indirect question and expect a direct answer. Furthermore, numbers are relative. Let’s say a guy considers ten partners to be too much. I have had nine partners prior to him. If I sleep with him then he will be number ten. Will I then be equivalent to a porn star in his eyes? If so, should I say ‘sorry dude, I really wanted to sleep with you but I don’t want you to judge me’. His unwillingness to judge by character rather than by numbers caused his blue testes. Who decides how many is too many? What does a woman’s number mean anyway? Does it mean she is overly sexual? Does it mean she will sleep with anything that resembles a phallus? I think it means she is well experienced and less inclined to give into temptation because she has been there and done that. Sounds like a win-win situation for a man! Just think of it this way, if you are last then you are her best because her search for the best penis ended with you!

    • Leroy Joseph says:

      Great answer. Why are women so much more sensible and pragmatic about this issue than most guys? I have never asked my wife that question because I don’t care one way or another how many men she has slept with, but since we talk about absolutely everything with each other, including our past relationships and sexual experiences, I know that she has slept with a lot more men than I have women. Good for her, but who cares?

      Some of her stories are pretty funny. She dated a California state assembly man for several months before finally sleeping with him. When she finally did it with him, she said he was absolutely the worst she f–k ever had. She called him “minute man,” even her virgin high school boyfriend lasted longer than he did. And all the well she dated the assemblyman, she had a steady f-buddy. The assembly man was so proud of his 60 second performance, the next morning, he rode around his apartment with nothing but a cowboy hat and a pair of cowboy boots, riding a broom stick like it was a horse. My wife said it was hilarious. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall for that one. Too bad she didn’t have a video of it. I am sure it would have helped his re-election. LOL.

      I think couples who don’t feel secure enough in their relationships to talk about their wildest fantasies and secret thoughts are missing out on a lot. The more my wife and I communicate, the closer we have become. And I have shared some pretty wild fantasies with her. Maybe someday we’ll actually make a few of them come true. :)

      • Thanks Leroy! Funny story about your wife. I can relate and I bet a lot of other women have more bad yet funny sex stories than good ones. I am glad you are mature and confident enough to handle the truth!

    • I love this response, I honestly am a young 2X year old with a mid 2X year old who I know has had a much higher number of sex partner then me. I honestly cannot tell why it bugs me even in the smallest amount but this probably summed it up best. I honestly think any time I have brought it up it has been about insecurities, I know she’s had larger, been wtih those who last longer and perhaps enjoyed it better (but told otherwise on last). It makes me feel amazing to hear that but that doesn’t make the wonder go away. I often wonder if I’m programmed or just scared that she is more sure that she wants me because she’s been with more people then I am that I want her even though I do.

      • Thanks for being honest James. I don’t think you should be insecure about it because the insecurities is what will drive her away rather than your actual skills. I had a guy think his penis was small, it wasn’t. Just average size. I kept telling him. We would have amazing sex and I was clearly satisfied, even the neighbors knew. Afterwards he would ask how he did and I would reassure him that it was awesome. Then he would say it would be better if his penis was bigger. After such great sex, this was a major turn off. I had to leave him because he obsessed about it. The irony is that he has been my best so far. Would I go back? Nope, not even once. His current partner told me he does the same thing with her. So don’t compare yourself to anyone in any situation. Ever! You are the only you. Do you want to spend a lifetime wishing for something else? Just communicate with each other on how to please each other. Have fun. Be open. Be present. Relax. She can choose to be with anyone else and she has chosen you!

    • Scott80000 says:

      I used to be in the “don’t ask, don’t tell” camp, but, the older I get, the more that seems like the “deny and repress” camp. If one is in a committed relationship and honestly doesn’t care about the answer, I see no reason to ask. I think a lot of us men find the number of previous partners does matter, and we beat ourselves up trying to figure out why it does. My dating experience was very innocent until I met the woman who became my first wife. I was a virgin who had never dated someone with previous partners; when I asked her and she told me that her number was four, I was pretty disappointed. My approach at the time was to feel guilty about being such a judgmental jerk. I was able to process it in time, but negative feelings around sexuality are pretty hard to hide. My advice for anyone is to ask the question and, if the answer disappoints you, say the most loving and kind thing you can; then, haul your butt into a counselor’s office and work out any negative feelings you have about it. It doesn’t matter if your feelings would seem completely ridiculous, face it head on and get help if you need it.

    • ” if you are last then you are her best because her search for the best penis ended with you!”-JR

      Then I have to ask the question why was I chosen if you have had so many men some of them probably better than I am? If the response is I had my fun and I am ready to settle down with a nice guy the relationship is over. Please find an equally experienced male with similar values.

      • Why do you assume that other guys would be ‘better’ than you? If she loves you and you two can communicate in the bedroom, then no guy can compare.

        • I don’t know if they were better or not and I never ask since I expect be lied to. Its a safe assumption if a woman has a lot of partners some were better lovers, more accomplished or had more money and she is with me for other reasons. My objection is to women that live a certain life style then conviently transform their value system in the blink of an eye.

  9. You’ve probably heard of some women being referred to as being “not the marrying kind…” Sometimes it’s better not to know “the number.” But it does not mean that “the number” doesn’t have any bearing on relationships. If she tells you she’s had 28 guys before, what makes you think there won’t be a # 30? You just don’t know when the train will stop, and the higher the number goes, the riskier it is. Women (especially) should also think about this when their men tell their sexual history. It all comes down to the “c” word… Commitment. In the end, it’s all how we feel about it- usually those who don’t care stick together, and those who do stick together.

    • Leroy Joseph says:

      Like I said above, my wife slept with lots of guys before I met her, she didn’t give me a number, but I am sure it is at least a few dozen. And what if she had worked at the Bunny Ranch and slept with hundred of men? Frankly it doesn’t make any difference to me. I love my wife for who she is now. And as to STDs, my wife always practiced safe sex when she wasn’t in a committed relationship. She made me wear a condom until we decided to be exclusive and were positive we were both clean.

      For me, I have slept with many ten or twelve women in my life, three of whom I was or are married to. I married my high school sweetheart, and since I have been married three times, and was in one other long-term relationship, there wasn’t much of a chance to play the field; not that I think I missed much.

  10. Candy,

    There are other ways to judge if someone is able to commit. Most people who fear commitment in a relationship also fear commitment in other areas. They may fear committing to one job, a goal, even a lease agreement. I feel more comfortable with a man who has fully satisfied his sexual desires. If it took him 30 women to do this then oh well. So long he is STD free. My friend is cheating on his wife because he feels he married too soon and didn’t get to experience the bachelor life fully. Another friend, who hands down earned the title of man whore, is approaching thirty and says he is finally ready to commit. He is choosing to remain abstinent because he no longer wants to have sex just to have sex. Even though we had great chemistry, a guy recently broke it off with me after two months because he hadn’t fulfilled all his sexual fantasies. He wanted a threesome, which I did not want to do and he never been with a foreign woman. I can’t help him with that. He felt stuck between having a relationship with me and fulfilling his desire. I fulfilled all of my sexual desires, so if he wanted to pursue a relationship with me after fulfilling his, I would accept. I appreciate that he was upfront rather than cheat on me. I even handed him a condom and told him if he came back he needs to be STD free. We make many selections in life. We move place to place until we find a place to call home. We jump from job to job until we find one with purpose. We try out many activities until we find a passion. So why shouldn’t we apply this same method when searching for love? Some people find that right person quickly and for others it may take longer. So long you are not abusing sex, then I see nothing wrong with having numerous sex partners until you find the right one. There are 6,993,166,093 billion people in the world. Do you really expect me to find Mr. Right For Me after only a few partners? The truth is whether you are someone’s first and only partner or someone’s 30th partner; there is no way of knowing if your partner will remain faithful and committed. You can’t force people to commit. You can’t attempt to predict people’s behavior. People will always ultimately do as they please. Just enjoy the moment, rather than be obsessed about someone running off to sleep with someone else, because all things come to an end anyways; hopefully it will be when death due you part but if not, at least you had the experience and now you are free to have a new.

  11. It’s interesting…I’ve never worried about the “number” for any woman I’ve been with. I don’t know of this being a thing people worry about among gay men or lesbians. (Though I could be wrong. Contrary to popular belief I don’t know them all just because I am one. lol.) From what I understand about bi men and women, the fear is usually that they’ll leave you for someone from the opposite sex of what you are, but again not necessarily about the “number.” Although bi men and women are usually stereotyped as being promiscuous anyway.

    The reason I bring all that up is because I wonder why it seems to be an issue unique to heterosexual couples.

    • An argument could probably be made that it grows from traditional views of women as property for male use, and the more sex the property has had, the more “used” it has been by other men. Unfortunately, the idea hangs on as society becomes a bit more progressive, although it seems to have evolved to serve more of a individual ego-based function rather than a societally sanctioned valuing function.

      Hopefully our daughters won’t have to deal with the “numbers game” in the same way that we have.

      • “An argument could probably be made that it grows from traditional views of women as property for male use, and the more sex the property has had, the more “used” it has been by other men.”-JR

        When we marry men and women like to lay claim to each other, we want to be proud of our spouses not disgusted or embarrassed. I will use the following analogy and while I use a car as an example I realize women are not cars but the premise fits so please spare me your feminist rants…

        A woman has Stingray Corvette in mint condition and I would like to buy it, she openly laughs in my face and tells me its not for sale. As the years tick by I see strange men driving this car around town and I spot the car parked in shady locations rocking back and forth. One day the woman comes looking for me and wants to know if I still want to buy her car. She seems upset when I am not as enthusiastic when I see her. I examine the car and I detect rust, scratches, dings, leaking fluid and an interior that looks well worn. I ask her what she wants for the car cringing inside because I already know the answer. She wants the full price I was willing to pay eons ago and on top of that I have to buy the trike and bigwheel she has with her. I decline her offer and she freaks out spouting all kinds of feminist rhetoric…

        • Wow, comparing women (human beings) to inanimate objects–cars. That’s really cruel. I do wish you the best of luck, Scott, I really do–but I’m glad that the men in my life don’t think like you do. It’s not feminist rhetoric to say that a woman’s value isn’t all about sex. A woman is a person. A full human. That should be logical. Some have made some decisions they might or might not regret. That’s where their life went. They can still be full human beings with stories and lives and compassion and attractiveness and hobbies and careers and passions. Full price? Wow. I’m sorry, this just makes it sound like sex and affection are a transaction and that women don’t have any value outside of sex. It’s depressing. At least you’re upfront, though.

          • “Wow, comparing women (human beings) to inanimate objects–cars. That’s really cruel.”- Aya

            Aya you missed my entire point it was an analogy and I won’t try to explain it to you. If you consider that cruel then it is no crueler than the check lists many women carry around that a man has to measure up to.

            “It’s not feminist rhetoric to say that a woman’s value isn’t all about sex. A woman is a person. A full human. That should be logical”-Aya

            I never said it was what logic did you use to arrive at that conclusion? Feminist rhetoric is caterwauling about the double standard when it does not apply to the topic or situation at hand.

            “They can still be full human beings with stories and lives and compassion and attractiveness and hobbies and careers and passions”-Aya

            Of course they can Aya you are stating the obvious. I believe the real purpose of that statement was to paint me as an uncaring thougtless ogre because you didn’t like what I had to say. Could stick to the topic at hand.

            “I’m sorry, this just makes it sound like sex and affection are a transaction and that women don’t have any value outside of sex”- Aya

            I never said that Aya! To me it seems like you are attempting to stand on some moral high ground where your intuiton allows you to read my mind. I can assure you I value women for more than sex.

      • “An argument could probably be made that it grows from traditional views of women as property for male use, and the more sex the property has had, the more “used” it has been by other men”-Rachel

        Men and women like to lay claim to each other when we marry. We want to be proud of our spouse not embarrassed and we certainly don’t want to be tricked into marrying someone we would have rejected.

        @ The Moderator
        You may not like what I had to say but I didn’t swear, engage in personal attacks and was not graphically crude so I see no reason to delete my previous post. Could you explain in a logical adult manner what was offensive?

  12. Leroy Joseph says:

    OK. I will put this one to rest now. I think at 57, you look a things a lot differently than you do when you are 20 or 30. Enough said.

  13. Are people really that closed-minded? Have any of you even considered that a women’s count may be higher than they wanted it because of sexual abuse at a young age? I know a woman who was not a virgin from the age of 4. Would she have to include the several men (yes, several) who sexually molested her when she was that young? Would she have to include the several boyfriends who pressured her for sex before she was 18 while she was mentally fucked up in the head about sex, because of her sexual abusive past? Would it matter than her number is 10, 15, 20, maybe even 25 before the age of 18? Would it matter that she hasn’t had sex ever since and was looking for a real relationship?

    Yeah, and then men wonder why women are so embarrassed to say their number. I get it, virginity is valued, but it should not be the ultimatum. If you want a real relationship, then don’t have sex so early. A relationship isn’t solely based on sex, unless you make it that way. There is a reason that your parents will tell you to wait to have sex until marriage. You want to make sure that you’re getting along with your partner aside from sex, in all the other areas of life. And guys, if you value a relationship, then stop broadcasting otherwise or “staying silent”. The only reason women feel pressured to have sex and wear revealing clothing, starring in porn, etc… is because you guys are not being vocal about what you look for in a woman. If you watch porn, then the women in your life will feel like they need to be more sexual to get your attention.

    • Leroy Joseph says:

      Very well said. I don’t think my ex getting raped by three uncles at age five should count nor my wife losing her virginity to her step-grandfather at age seven and then being raped again repeatedly by him for five years after should count either. It is men who turn women into sex objects. These abused women grown up believing that in order to make a man happy, they have to have sex with him. They end up re-enacting the abuse over and over.

  14. Mr. Joyboy says:

    If a female isn’t a virgin I won’t even talk to her.

    • lol

    • Sorry I just realized you might have been serious…in which case I wasn’t trying to laugh at you. I just assumed it was a joke.

    • Not even your own mother?

    • My current girlfriend was a virgin when I first met her. That`s really awesome, because that makes me the only guy she ever had sex with.

      • Uberdude,

        I am glad she got to have her first sexual encounter with you. However, how does that make you special in some way? You would probably give the answer below.

        Uberdude: “That’s really awesome, because that makes me the only guy she ever had sex with.”

        This comment would have been great had you said, “my girlfriend was a virgin and I am glad that she chose to have her fist sexual encounter with me. I am happy I took part in that first experience with her. I am glad she felt comfortable enough and connected enough to choose me as her first sexual partner. I am glad for that moment we shared.” This seems to be more about you satisfying your ego. Which goes back to the heart of this post. A man’s number makes him a stud; a man’s number is an ego boost. Sex is a man’s conquest. There is this notion that men convince, persuade or do something extraordinary to get women to sleep with them. However, women choose to have sex unless its rape, which isn’t sex but sexual violence. Why do some men ignore the fact that women not only choose to have sex but actually want and desire sex? Why do some men see a woman’s sex as something they took, something she gave, something that completes him, makes him special? To do that is to ignore a woman’s humanity, her human desires and her voice.

        Several men use evolution to explain why men are sexual creatures. They are hunters and need to hunt. Well I am not prey. Nor will my sex be a trophy on a man’s shelf or my vagina be a plaque on his wall. Does evolution only apply to men? Are women and their sex drives some how exempt from the evolutionary process? Are women not part of nature too? Shall we forever remain angels or she-devils but never human. If you want to use nature as an argument, then all signs in nature indicate that women are sexual beings and are built for sex. We can have sex at any time so long there is lubrication be it natural or store bought. We have multiple orgasms and a variety of orgasms; vaginal, clitoral, G-spot. We can even ejaculate. We don’t stop having sex after an ejaculation or an orgasm. We can continue to have sex. We can even have an orgasm from riding a bike for crying out loud! Men on the other hand can only have sex so long there is an erection, which has to be achieved through some type of visual or physical stimulation. Most men only have one orgasm. After ejaculation men have to wait before having sex again. Nature had to make sex enjoyable for us otherwise we would not be inclined to carry another human being for nine months and make sure that human being survives once born. How is it that some men say their sex drives are natural but a woman’s isn’t? These men only use the nature argument when it is convenient for them, when it can be used as an excuse for behavior that society has allowed. These same men are not concerned as to whether a woman’s gigantic breasts on a size zero waist are natural, whether the bleach blonde with brown roots showing is naturally blonde and so forth. Men are natural born competitors. A man’s own sperm competes with itself. Knowing that women are sexual beings and that there are other men waiting to spread their seed, men had to come up with a way to keep a women’s legs closed. Shame and guilt. Praise a man for his sexuality. Condemn a woman for hers.

        Our society is absurd. We tell little girls they are sexual beings by giving them Barbie dolls with perky breasts, slim waist, curvy hips, and feet that are permanently ready to step in heels. We give them dolls so that they can mimic taking care of a baby. Babies that can only be born one way: BY HAVING SEX! Girls are indirectly told they are sexual then they grow up to be women who are punished for being sexual. These men need to get over their insecurities. My body and my sex don’t belong to you! Even when I choose to have sex with you, you are not taking a piece a me; I am not giving a piece of me. My body and my sex are my own.

        • To make the long matter short, I would like to remind you that promiscuous past in not good for forming a long term relationship. Remember you cannot make housewife out of …….. (you know what)

          • Julie Gillis says:

            No! Do tell! A used car? I would agree. Those things are big and seem like they wouldn’t be able to chop veggies very effectively!

            • I hope you know that saying about master key and crappy lock.

            • Julie Gillis says:

              Yeah, but I hope you know I think that’s BS.

            • Rapses,

              It seems that your underlying concern isn’t about sex but about abandonment. You fear that a woman who is promiscious is going to leave you. The truth is a woman whether virgin or you know what can leave you or cheat on you. This doesn’t matter whether you have the master key or not. Most women who cheat are not soley motivated by sex but by others factors that are missing out of a relationship. You seem to want to keep a woman on lock down rather than giving her the choice to stay with you and actually want to be with you. I would be more worried if she wasn’t experienced enough because curiosity is a strong urge. Even if you convince her your master key is the best, she may get bored and still want to find out on her own. Remember “The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.” Dorothy Parker

            • JR, Chastity is more about self control on the face of temptation. Everybody likes goodies in life, but only few go to the extent of stealing and robbing to get those goodies. It is a character thing. If supply of a commodity in a market increases, its price fall down. It is basic economic law. If a woman has been with other men without any commitment, then why would a man commit to her to be with her. That would be really unwise

            • Rapses,

              Judge her character by who she is not who she slept with. Self control is not just in the bedroom. You measure self control by seeing if a person over eats, over spends, over indulges. You can examine if this person lets their anger get out of control etc. The main problem is that you are implying that women are products and our price will decrease. Where is the Kelly Blue Book for a woman’s sexual past? Is there also one for a man? So a man is deserving of the best value yet a woman can get something run down.

              Everything in nature operates on balance. Too much or too little is always problematic. Think of priest who practice chastity yet molest little boys. Where is the character there? Sex is not temptation. Sex is not the problem. We as humans need to understand balance and self control is about control of the Self not repression. “Chastity – the most unnatural of all the sexual perversions.” Aldous Huxley

            • A woman’s sexual habits are part of her character and nobody can change that. Our value in society increases or decreases based on our deeds, no need for denying that. A priest molesting little boys are not chaste by any means. Sex or any other human need is not the problem. Human existence depends on it. The problem is illegitimate ways for obtaining sexual satisfaction.

  15. If you ask my mind – What does bother me about my girl’s sexual past is this .If my gf has not been a virgin it means she gave her love to someone else and when she will have sex with me she will think about that guy during our love making and corrupting our mental bond because sex has a mental and a spiritual connection and not just physical connection.Sex is such an intimate connection as an individual I won’t opt that my girl had any same intimacy with another guy.

    For religious individuals ( although I am spiritual but not religious) – Why did Jesus christ choose to be born out of a virgin marry ? answer is because purity matters !

    • Leroy Joseph says:

      So, Tom, from what you are saying you must be a virgin too? Or at least were when you met your girlfriend? If not, then I think what your wrote is totally hypocritical. Isn’t there a teeny weeny chance that you might think about one of the other women you have slept with while you have sex with your girlfriend? If sex is such an intimate connection, doesn’t that have to work both ways?

      When I met my wife, we were in our 40s, I had been married twice before and she had been married r once. We both had children from our previous marriages. By your standards, we should have just forgotten about having a relationship with each other as we were both as far removed from being virgins as you can get. Funny thing is I love my wife and have a stronger spiritual bond with her than anyone I have ever met. The level of intimacy I share with her is incredible. And part of that intimacy is being so secure in our relationship that we can freely discuss past experiences including sexual ones, with no jealousy.

  16. I simply cannot understand why people think that a man wanting to know about the sexual history of woman with whom he wants to be in serious relation is wrong. After all even in non-romantic and business relations, people and organisation check the credit history and background check for people with whom they would be transacting/or hiring. A second hand car does not deserve the price of brand new car and the car which has been involved in numerous accidents would certainly fetch lower price. It is all about honest and full disclosure, and afterward it can be decided how to proceed.

    • Julie Gillis says:

      Oh Rapses, you make me laugh so hard. Used cars…hahahahahaha!

      • Oh Julie, you can always count on me for making you laugh.

        • Tom,

          The virgin Mary had sex with Joseph afterwards. He didn’t mind that the Holy Spirit got there first!

          • “A woman’s sexual habits are part of her character and nobody can change that.”

            The GMP and their male readers are trying to change that.

            “The problem is illegitimate ways for obtaining sexual satisfaction.”

            Sexual satisfaction is only illegitimate if obtained via sexual violence and abuse. Men and women have sexual desires. If the two willingly and eagerly consent, then who is to say their sexual relationship is illegitimate, committed or not.

            When did being a virgin equal good? When did being a virgin or having few sex partners make someone a good person? Should sex and goodness be related? What about those who get raped?

            Who invented sexual abstinence anyways? People who couldn’t get laid and considered it a good idea for the rest of us to do the same. What party poopers!

            Why was chastity even useful? It served as birth control. Some men became fearful when actual birth control came around. The name explains why. This meant control for women. This meant women could have more sexual freedom. Can someone explain why this is bad? Oh yeah! I forgot. If she doesn’t pick you or if she leaves you. This has nothing to do with self-control, character, STDs, or commitment but as the article clearly claims male insecurity.

            I don’t think one should give in to their every desire. However, when one suppresses all sexual desires they only become stronger and grow like cancer. Some of the people who commit horrendous sexual acts are usually those we thought would never do such a thing. I doubt there will be an end to sexual violence but studies show that countries with more open-minded views toward sex have fewer instances of such acts. Our so-called puritan country is leading in sex trafficking. We condemn Asian countries for selling 7 year old prostitutes but never wonder if it is our American men who buy them. We exploit women’s sexuality in the media but expect our female citizens to be saints. In our unstable economy, the porn industry still seems to be thriving. Let us stop being hypocrites. Cut the crap. Lets talk about sex, lets have sex and lets do it right! Let us educate our son’s and daughter’s on how to have sex with ethics, which doesn’t necessarily involve religion, shame or guilt! I am not just refering to talks on STDs or biology but sexual responsibility and communication.

            • In the Western world, nobody can legally force anybody to have sex or not to have sex. It is up to the individual to decide on their sexual matters. On the other hand, nobody should any right to shame others for deciding to have long term relations with promiscuous people. Virgin does not equal to good but promiscuous is equal to bad. As for male insecurity, it is true that men are very touchy about paternity uncertainty. Men and women can enjoy their new found sexual freedom which would ultimately lead to decay in social values and destruction of the social fiber.

            • edit — On the other hand, nobody should try to shame others for deciding not to have long term relations with promiscuous people.

            • Julie Gillis says:

              Agreed. No one should shame you for your views and values. Then why do you comment so sarcastically about promiscuous folks? I mean, to each their own yes?

            • Julie, you have a bad habit of reading my comments out of context. Let me explain it to you. JR is advocating that we should not judge the character of the person with the number of people she had sex. She says that women should have sexual freedom and not be shamed for it. She then goes on to say that sexual abstinence was invented by people who could not get laid and therefore do not want others to have sex. She is supporting sexual freedom and then goes on to shame people who believe in abstinence.

              It reminds me of a quote by William Shakespeare “When virtue becomes vice and vice becomes virtue.

              Promiscuity is being defended and abstinence being attacked. I don’t mind being verbally attacked, refuted or tried to be shamed, but I have utter disrespect for hypocrisy. In good olden days, somebody like me would automatically be considered gentleman, but nowadays you have to be tolerant of all vices to be considered a good man.

            • Rapses,

              You are completely right about everything I intended except for me attempting to shame people who are abstinent. I was simply playing devil’s advocate and attempting to turn the tables around. I currently have chosen to remain abstinent and have been abstinent for over 7 months, however I support others who do engage in sexual behavior. At times I live vicariously through their sexual adventures. I am choosing abstinence not because I think sex is wrong or a vice. People who make sex a vice, will make anything else a vice too. I like to challenge myself and thought it would be a fun challenge to take on. I also started rock climbing and learned German because its a challenge. It is challenging to say no to sex especially when young and seemingly attractive but it doesn’t make me good, pure or whatever else and it doesn’t make you a gentleman. A gentleman would never refer to a woman as a car, her body as having some type of monetary value nor her beautiful vulva as a lock. There is this notion that people had less sex in the good old days, however this is not true. Sexual deviance dates back since the invention of the wheel. Back in your days good girls were bad girls who didn’t get caught. This quote doesn’t mean I think women are bad for having sex.

            • JR, It seems that trying to remain abstinent for 7 months had been really a hard work and probably you think that you deserve a medal or at least some recognition for it. Sex is not vice, but sex outside the boundary of marriage is vice. sex is like fire which is good till it remain in the stove or fireplace where it is used for heating or cooking, out of place it can create havoc. You seem to believe that virtuous men and women never existed and they were just as promiscuous as other but never got caught. It is a fact that everything has a value associated with it which cannot be denied and analogy are very effective means of making people understand things.

  17. My New G/Friend is really concerned about how she compares to my previous partners. She has not had many partners at all, 3 or 4 I think. Whereas i have had considerably more and she found out (not from me) that they include a Gymnastics coach and a Fitness Model. So I am guessing that this insecurity works equally well both ways. For men its probably a lot about Penis length alone… For the women I have known they have so much more they think us blokes judge!!!! From hairy legs, cellulite, wobbly tummy’s. Breast shape/size, Nipple length, Labia size and “looseness of vagina” (Kegel) …. It can be a really messed up situation for both sexes so you really shouldn’t ask. (in my humble opinion) The safe way is to tell your partner that you do not want to know anything about their previous partners. They are in the past for a reason, lets leave them there…
    x

  18. Its much easier for a woman to get laid, and thats truth. If a woman has a lot of sex partners, it just means she really likes sex and cant control herself. Would you want your daughter having sex with a lot of guys? So why do it yourself. I will break up with a girl if she has had a lot of partners. Sex should be special, so if you have given it out to 20 men, how can I feel special. Obviously if you have been with a lot of guys,your current lover is going to wonder how he compares, thats natural. A female who has had a lot of partners is going to make a man think that she likes sex a little to much and might end up cheating. Also,no man wants to be the guy standing with the girl in the bar,that 5 other guys in the bar have already slept with. Im not saying a man should be able to sleep with 100 women, but i mean,its a lot harder for us to get laid so thats why its like a competition..

  19. Melly USA
    Thank you Lord Musa! The love spell worked and he returned to me. You are a marvellous, wonderful, stupendous, shocking and extraordinary person with so much talent. You have a gift like no other I have seen. You are an amazing person with a beautiful soul and inner balance that shines on all you meet. You surpass any and all other gifted individuals I have ever met. Your Spell is so accurate it is incredibly unbelievable. Your wonder-working magical know how of the universe and its laws are magnified within a structure so unique it’s impossible to find anywhere. Again, thank you for everything! And thak you so much for the happiness you brought unpon me we are so much in love again. if your ex leave you alone and you find it so difficult to go back you can try this man! [email protected]

  20. I think amount of men my partner has slept with is not important as long as she has not carried some disease from them in that case I would need to know so I can act appropriately. The mindset I adopt when it comes to previous partners is this, If your partner is currently with you and not with them doesnt that mean that she chose you over them and hence at this moment you more cherished than the millions of men she might have slept with.

  21. I really think that women should understand that their actions have consequences and that judgments are here to stay. A guy can reject a woman any time he wants to and for any reason. Of course, the opposite applies too. So, everybody has the right to judge his potential partners according to his own standards.

    If promiscuous women find themselves frequently rejected the last thing they should attempt to do is whine on internet webpages and try to convince men that their past shouldn’t matter and that somehow “true love” should overpower any judgment. What they should do, instead, is first determine what type of man they’re interested in, then determine the type of woman that this guy is looking for and, last but not least, determine if they are willing and able to be the woman that their ideal man would want. If they determine that this type of man and themselves are incompatible they should readjust their preferences and try again.

    None of these steps involves sex. Many people are searching for their “soulmates” without sex.

    None of these steps involves changing another person’s beliefs. What other people believe is beyond our control. You’d better get used to it.

    It’s very interesting that I find sluts and tramps very vocal about this issue. Being a virgin guy I’ve also seen the notorious “double standard” for what it is. The only problem is: I don’t really see virgin guys running around, whining about the “double standard” and demanding that non-women should have sex with them. Why is that? I don’t know. What I do know is that this issue affects a number of men and women who have CHOSEN to live their lives in a particular way. Other people should not and will not conform to their beliefs.

    One last thing: a non-promiscuous person rejecting a promiscuous one is NOT a double standard in any shape, way or form. Promiscuous people should complain only if the person who rejects them has not adhered to the standards he sets for others. Anything else is hypocritical.

    • Randomizer says:

      Jim: I hope you are quite young, as it seems you may be. If I were an adult woman (and not a god-botherer), your number would trouble me. I would expect that you either had some kind of hang-up, or that you were a self-righteous prig. Having the benefit of the rest of your post marks you as the latter just as the first screams, “misogynist!!”

      • Is there a point you’re trying to make here? Btw I wonder where one draws the line between a person being aware of what he wants and actively searching for it and being self-righteous.

        • Jim,

          You are absolutely right….to me sex is an important bond between two people who are in love…I believe many people both men and women are promiscuous because it makes them feel better about themselves…I for one do not enjoy sex with a woman unless I am in love with that person care for them and at the same time trust them….I had a girlfriend recently who I have been friends with for years who told me her number of partners and how quickly she was to sleep with a man she thought wanted to be in a relationship with her…the reason this bothered me because I thought we were on different levels morally….we discussed but not to the point where I would badger her…I am not perfect in anyway but I will tell you this…she became so insecure that I was going to leave her that she sabotaged our relationship told me to leave the next day spent the night with her disgusting idiot fat sweat X in a hotel then again on Monday all the while calling me telling me I was done for good because she saw another female message my wall on FB about hanging out….ummmm I think my concerns about her past came up and actually bit me in the azz…funny thing is she wants me back and like a fool I have gone back but walked away again…she was actually cruel while sleeping with two men at once I guess she had her validation from it and on another note her father did abandon her LOL sorry ladies but I am the best lover she has EVER encountered proven by words from her best friends who are my friends as well but when it comes time to marry we surely do not want to take the baggage of x lovers and scars from the person we love to the bed with us….Its not about judging, its about finding someone who shares the same standards and with diseases today its not very healthy…one man one woman is my motto although I can say Ive had only a few very serious relationships in my time and when we would break these women all jumped into bed with someone else then came running back while I stayed celibate because I am secure in my own person and will not sleep with a woman unless I love her in which case is the best sex ever anyway. If you like to get around and have sex freely, I do not want you.

    • Jim,
      The fact that you referred to women with a healthy sex life as “sluts and tramps” makes everything you said invalid.

  22. Brainchild says:

    I am playing devil’s advocate here, but here are two questions and a comment I found on another blog that was interesting:

    a) If she is so wonderful, why none of those guys who were before us thought she was valuable enough to keep her?

    b) If she thinks her sex is so valueless that she gives it freely, why should I deem it as valuable and worthy to work for it?

    When you talk about she having “experience”, I ask: experienced in what? To be experienced in sex you don’t need to have a lot of sex partners. A couple of LTRs will give you that experience. In fact, she may be experienced in ****ing and chucking guys, and I don’t find that desirable.

    • Randomizer says:

      As for question #1, what makes you think that if she found a guy she wanted to keep she couldn’t have?

      #2 assumes a sex as transaction model that is just a hot mess.

      Sounds like resentment about being a chuckee.

      R

    • what he said

    • a) is an extremely silly question. It makes the GIANT assumption that she wanted to “keep” every guy that she slept with, which you have no way of knowing. It could be that the relationship just went sour, that she was the one doing the dumping, that none of the guys were a good match for her, that she wasn’t ready for a relationship but still wanted the sex, that she that she took some time out to experiment etc…

      b) If you look at sex as being a ‘value’ thing–as something she ‘gives’ and you ‘buy’ or ‘work for’ instead of something mutual, intimate, enjoyable, and unique between every two people…it looks like you don’t ‘value’ the experience too much.

      • I’m a guy so I cant talk, but I agree and think that a lot of the ‘value’ mentality comes from men who deep down, dont have a lot of confidence in their attraction, so choose to see sex as a transaction where if they logically give something, they receive it in return

        I think this is sad.

        I also think a lot of girls are forced to lie about their number to avoid judgement. Two of my ex partners initialy told me they were on 8. when they realised I was non judgmental, they gave me much more racy admissions. One had experienced lots of threesomes and group sex, and at one time had taken on 7 guys in one session, which would mean her number was much higher. the other girl had a few holidays away when she would sleep with two or three guys in one weekend. In the end its their right, and women shouldnt feel that they ahve to justify their number to guys, or pretend that they can’t enjoy sex for sex’s sake. after all, science has proved that women enjoy sex more than (most unliberated) men. thats my 10c worth. I bet a lot of people dont like it

        I was once an unliberated and judgmental man. Then I watched johnny soporno’s videos. Watch them, they will change your mind about many things.

      • “b) If you look at sex as being a ‘value’ thing–as something she ‘gives’ and you ‘buy’ or ‘work for’ instead of something mutual, intimate, enjoyable, and unique between every two people…it looks like you don’t ‘value’ the experience too much” – Aya

        Sex is given freely and on a whim to some men others have to leap through hoops of fire and earn it. The women that bother me the most are the ones that have been very promiscuous then suddenly have values and expect me to wait an extended period of time so it will be “special”. Its really just a great big mind “BLEEP” on her part so she will be treated like a princess.

        • That’s quite a generalization. How do you know that that’s what women do? Is asking to be respected asking a guy to jump through hoops? And just out of curiosity, would you see a woman who had sex with you quickly as special?

          • Not all women Aya just some. In regards to respect some women have sex on a whim with men they barely know and make others wait and perform for it, respect is hardly an issue at that point. When I find out I have been played like a fool no its not special. Why should I do anything more than another man has to get what has already been givien?

  23. Wow. I didn’t realize people were still kicking this article around. H3ere’s my thoughts, I don’t particularly care what a woman’s “number” is, but the flipside to that is- if you have more “experience” than I do, (or actually, even if you don’t) don’t expect me to always take the lead. Nothing drives me crazier than a woman who doesn’t think she has to do anything besides just show up. Unless it’s a woman who doesn’t do anything but show up, and then expects me to be able to read her mind and know how she likes it.

    So, in other words ladies, maybe men would stop caring about “being the first” when women stop making it feel like we’re in a job interview

  24. Garrett says:

    I am going to list an example. Someone with a 2.0 GPA because he was screwing around during his first 4 years of college but has since then worked vigorously, when applying to Harvard med. he was rejected. Why? why not live in the present, but care about the history? We all change right? The thing about history is that it allows us to predict the outcome of future events. As statistics shown, most applicants with that GPA are not likely to succeed in medical school. And where there are plenty of applicants to choose from, this applicant is eliminated without question. When applied to relationships, history too, is a good indicator of how serious your partner may be with you in the future. For someone who has 1 or 2 partners it is totally understandable as one is trying to explore. However, for someone with a glorious amount of past relationships it is only reasonable to deduce that the likelihood that this person is not careful/serious at selecting her partners is high.

  25. When it comes to the argument of seeing sex as ‘special’ or not, I don’t understand why people are so quick to see it as black and white. In my experiences, sex in certain situations has been incredibly special, meaningful, and spiritual, while in other situations, it’s been…just sex. And then there was everything in between. I see the same thing in men. An example. A nerdy and idealistic romantic partner of mine in his mid 20s whose number was around 12. I’d known him for a very long time and he was pretty straightforward about everything. I know that in certain situations sex was extremely special, particularly with 2 of his long-term exes and with myself (and even within our situations, the ‘specialness’ varied at times). With the rest, the reasoning ranged from being horny to bored to rebounding to hoping for something special but it not ending to be to just a lustful attraction. Really, though: Just because sex didn’t matter with that guy, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t matter with YOU. And vice versa. It’s really not as simple–‘all sex is important to her/him’ and ‘all sex is not important to her/him!’. It’s easier to look at it that way, but it’s just not always the case. There are way too many other factors involved. Sex is not something women ‘give’ away or withold…our desires matter too. And just like men, we can make good, bad, and neutral decisions when it comes to our sex lives.

    • “Sex is not something women ‘give’ away or withold…”

      That is the biggest lie I have seen on this thread. Women withhold sex all the time from men they deem unworthy of them!

  26. Annoyed says:

    I cant believe this is still going on. I agree with sex being a very intimate act and that its better to have sex with people you love. But unfortunately, we didn’t always think like this. That thought comes with maturity and experience. So before we thought this lovely ideal up, you were probably having sex with people you didn’t love because you wanted to have sex. Hopefully safe sex. My point is, grow up. Shit happened before you met the other person, and shaming him or her isn’t going to get you any where except a trip to the drugstore for some migraine medicine and a one way ticket for a lonely and bitter life. Because no matter how much your partner loves you, he or she will not stay in a relationship where they are being judged and shamed. We all have bad judgement when we are young, no matter how high on your horse you want to be. Learn to understand that the only think that should matter to you is that no matter how many partners your partner has had, they are still the same person he or she was before you found this out. Move on and be happy.

    • Eric M. says:

      Would you feel the same if you discovered that s/he had previously been married 4 times?

      Would it be judging him/her to consider that as a factor?

    • Christina says:

      Annoyed…Thank you for saying this…”Because no matter how much your partner loves you, he or she will not stay in a relationship where they are being judged and shamed.” This is how my boyfriend of 4 years has been treating me and he doesn’t understand how much it hurts me that he would be soooo critical of things that happened long before we ever even met.

      How can ANYONE expect to move forward with someone if they are CONSTANTLY looking at the past!

    • Well said my friend, that’s what it’s about, can’t live in the past or nothing will last.

  27. For some guys I don’t think the actual number matters as much as long as its less than theirs

  28. Christina says:

    I know this is more of a “Men’s Only” kind of site and I stummbled upon this article when I Googled “Why are men so obsessed with a woman’s sexual past” and I have to say, from a woman’s point of view…I love this article!! I wish I could get my man to read it.

    We are both 30, have been together for 4 years and we have 1 son together. I have 2 boys from a previous marriage. My boyfriend knows that I think whatever my number is it’s really none of his business because it’s my past and has nothing to do with who I am today. Yet, in a drunken rage one night, he had me pinned (litterally) between the dryer that I was fixing and the wall and DEMANDED to know the number. I kept trying to deflect, because everyone knows you can’t argue with a drunk…but the verbal assault was relentless!!

    I have told him a vague number before but he said he wanted “to see if you’re lying about it, if you can remember what you told me” I was so upset that I was in tears for days afterwards.

    You see, my “sexual past” began at the young age of 5 when I was raped by a very close family member…one of the ONLY male figures in my life (and YES my biological father left us when I was only 3). I was raped again at the age of 12 by an older neighbor, so that was how I learned about sex and how a man should treat a woman…or at least that’s what I grew up thinking. It has taken me many many years to figure out that I am worth more then that. So yes, I have had more then my fair share of partners. (some by my own choice, other times not)

    My boyfirend doesn’t seem to understand that asking me for “The Number” only takes me back to the horrible things I went through as a young child and the choices that I made because I was never told any different. We have been fighting off and on for months now and it’s so depressing…and over what??!! Something that in my opinion has nothing to do with him to begin with.

    Guys…stop asking because you never know what happened in her past or how strongly it can effect her!!

  29. Yesterday a guy I’ve been seeing for a month and haven’t gone past 1 1/2 base with yet asked me how many people I slept with. For me, it’s 3. I asked him he said “More than 10, less than 20″…..

    I almost walked away. I’m still not sure if I want to be with him. The number does matter to me, because I know he did this between the ages of 15 and 24. That could figure out to 2 a year, but it still makes me cringe. Yes he’s a young man but what’s the rush, and why is he rushing me? How much does he mean it when he says he wants to be in a relationship with me?? These questions DO come to mind for most people when the number is fairly high.

    It goes both ways, people. You can bash men all you want, but when it’s the other way around, you’ll at least consider requesting that your future partner get tested before anything serious happens.

  30. it does matter you asshole. it matters more than you will ever know

Trackbacks

    Speak Your Mind

    *