Hugo Schwyzer explains why guys are so preoccupied with getting women’s sex stats—and why they should just let it go.
Judging from what I read online and hear from my students, the question of the “number” is as compelling as ever. This month, Marie Claire ran an article, “What’s Your Number?” in which five women (whose numbers ranged from zero to 100) told their stories. The March issue of Cosmopolitan Australia features the same discussion, noting that 59 percent of readers surveyed thought knowing a partner’s exact number was important, and that 33 percent of those same readers had lied about their own pasts, claiming fewer sexual partners than they’d actually had.
(A quick note: most people use “the number” to refer to the count of people with whom they’ve had heterosexual intercourse. Any kind of sex that doesn’t involve a penis inside a vagina usually “doesn’t count.” A lot of us are like Bill Clinton in that regard, not seeing oral sex as real sex. This is a very limited—and limiting—understanding of what sex really is. But that’s a topic for another day.)
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It’s understandable to be curious about the sexual lives of our peers. It makes sense to want to know what the averages are. (According to the experts at the Kinsey Institute, the average number of lifetime sexual partners for men aged 30 to 44 is around seven, while for women in that same age group, it’s four—both lower than you might think).
But the number has different meanings for men and women. The old double standard is still alive and well: a man with more
It’s quite common for a guy to worry about a girlfriend’s sexual past. Too many men are still raised to see sex as crude competition, in which bedding a woman who has already had a lot of lovers counts less than scoring with a woman who is “hard to get.” But I think the average guy’s worry is simpler than that. The more men his girlfriend has slept with, the greater number of lovers to which she can compare his skills. It’s easier to win a contest against two than against 20, he figures. And even easier to rank first when he’s the only one to have ever played the game. No wonder so many men—in this country and around the world—are obsessed with finding a virgin.
This is the real reason why so many men get so filled with rage at sexually experienced women. And of course, it’s the real reason so many women feel compelled to lie about their number.
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Too many women have told their boyfriends their real number, only to be nagged incessantly for explicit details. (One friend of mine recounted to me in horror how her current boyfriend stopped one day in the middle of giving her oral sex to ask how his technique compared.) Other women find that their boyfriends endlessly psychoanalyze the reasons for a number that they think is too high: “Did you sleep with so many men because your father left you when you were a child?” (If I had a dollar for every woman I know who’s been asked that question, I could buy everyone reading this a Slurpee. Seriously.)
At this point, some men are probably protesting: “But I don’t slut-shame or endlessly analyze. For me, it’s not all about competing with other guys. Isn’t the number an important thing to know about someone you might be serious about? Isn’t it something I have a right to know?”
That sounds reasonable. But again, why is it so important to know an exact number? What difference does it make? Knowing whether a potential girlfriend has ever been in love before is important; discovering (slowly and patiently) how her past experiences have impacted her view of men (for better or worse) is important. But really, what’s the difference whether she’s slept with four or 14 men? She isn’t defined by her number—and if there’s a chance you might change how you see her when you discover the truth (should she tell you), why ask?
This has nothing to do, by the way, with asking about sexual health. It’s a great idea to talk about sexually transmitted infections; it’s a great idea for a new couple to get tested before having unprotected sex. We have a right to know if a potential partner has herpes. But the exact number itself is altogether different.
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I lost my virginity at 17 to my high-school girlfriend. She was a year younger but much more sexually experienced. She was my first for anything that went below the waist; I was the fifth guy she’d had sex with. I’d asked her number, of course, and then fought hard not to obsess about the four boys who had “been there” before me. But I saw the pain my questions caused her. And I came to realize that it didn’t matter.
I don’t know my wife’s number. I’ve never asked her. She’s never asked for mine. I know enough from the stories she’s told to know that there was more than one guy before me; she knows enough about my past to figure out that she can’t count my lovers on her fingers. Beyond that, we—who have shared so much sexually and emotionally in our nine years as a couple, six years as spouses, and two years as parents together—don’t need to know more specifics.
When we’re in a monogamous relationship, what we have a right to insist on is that no names get added to the list after our own. It doesn’t matter if I’m number five or 55. I’ll be crushed if my wife adds a number six or a 56 behind my back.
But the right to ask to be last is not the same as the right to know how far we are from the first. And for me, part of being a good man is knowing what I don’t need to know.
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Other Stories From the Good Men Project Magazine:
Men and the Sexualization of Young Girls
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Husband Confronts Abortion Protesters [VIDEO]
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Why Don’t Men Initiate Divorce?
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Red-Hot Monogamy
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Marriage: Just Don’t
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The Prostitute Who Saved My Relationship
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Are Men Natural-Born Cheaters?
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What Your Marriage Needs to Survive
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—Photo by eflon/Flickr
Why Does It Matter How Many Partners She’s Had?
Wow, where to start. First and foremost I will point out that everyone, male or female will (or should) want to be the best their partner has ever had. This entire article appears to be about belittling men rather than tackling the real issue. If you start off lying in a relationship then you should expect negative outcomes. Your partner has every right to know an HONEST answer to any question they find pertinent in making decisions. If your answer is one you don’t like, well look at the mirror and ask questions to that person. But if you lie, you have set… Read more »
Well my first sexual encounter was when I was 14 with an older guy(20) I was a virgin and he got my cherry..Since then I have had around 35 different men and 5 different women..I am divorced and been divorced for several years because I told my ex that I had slept with around 30 some men..he went to a lawyer the very next day and filed for divorce !!
John thank you totally agree. When I was young, in my 20’s I met a girl I thought I was going to marry until she told me she had screwed one other guy before me. It never worked out. I have since been married and divorced and remarried. My first wife never said how many but I’m guessing she had quite a few, more than 10. My current wife for decades wouldn’t tell me who she went with to this one place for vacation. She kept it vague always. Recently it effin dawned on me that she went with one… Read more »
“Why does it matter how many partners she’s had?” What difference does it make? It matters, and that’s my right. If you don’t like it, I’m sorry. If you disqualify on those grounds, I’m sorry. These are my terms and conditions. Change your ways or find someone who doesn’t care. If you can’t then I guess the lesson learned is “actions have consequences”. To think that you can do whatever you want and get a free pass in the end just because you’re a girl speaks volumes of your sense of entitlement which is, in and of itself, grounds for… Read more »
Hey my girlfriend ha told me of around 50 sexual partners . I’ve told her all her past has made her the hot sex pot she is today. I’m the one who. Gets to enjoy those attributes. 61 and gorgeous in a short skirt and stockings. Also, she gets very hot and excited being able to share her past and not be judged but told how lucky all those guys were to experience a gorgeous sexpot like her. By the way, very common for her to have 10 or more orgasms in a session. She says she never experienced anything… Read more »
I was married to an above 100 girl (found out at counseling). It matters because when you marry her, she is so desensitized to sex that it stops rather quickly no matter how good you do in the sack. It being way to late now, she drags herself into church, counseling to figure out why she cannot seem to live “normal”, all the time making the nice guy feel like he’s an a–hole for becoming bitter over the lack of sex. Long story short, party girls have an attitude of do what you want no matter what anyone says, love… Read more »
Not interested in marrying or getting with ANY modern female !
Why put a ring on something everyone else got for free? There is a double standard because a guy has to work to get laid, all a woman has to do is open her legs. . Anyone that marries a slut gets what they deserve.
Nonsense. How can there be trust if a woman LIES to you from the start?
Men should ask this question every time. If she lies and you will know – dump her. It is clear she will lie to you all her life.
What woman doesn’t sleep around these days?
bullshit, alot of them would hate and think that a guy that pay´s for sex is the lowest of the scum, but when they have a one stand night for free or they are “free souls” we should forgive them?
that is hypocrisy
I commend the author for being so honest. Sad but true.The reason I’ve only dated virgins is probably due to insecurities.
I understand what you’re saying. My only question would be how do you stop thinking about it. It may be petty or selfish but it’s still a nagging question. For example, I just found out how many guys my girlfriend has been with and it’s far more than the amount of women I’ve been with. Now I find myself asking myself If she’s slept with this guy or that guy. It really bothered me knowing the answer to the question.
That’s exactly what it is happening to me . That’s why I look for this post. My girlfriend said that she has slept with more than 50 . I think it has to do about how I feel when I see a girl whose I been with me and of I see her in a relationship .I would think to myself “ohh I been with her before him” or “I probably f#&k her better than this guy”. I think I don’t want to be that guy
Sometimes it doesn’t matter but it does matter too. While you are Dating or trying to marry a woman who have lived life and around 35+ age and then you realized you are just a number and may be not. You never know. You will feel that you left behind and no interest in life. Al the adventure you are looking for with her , for her it doesn’t matter because she already lived it. She just want to be at home and living normal life and then you are fucked up. The one I lived had over 20+ number… Read more »
Terrible article.
Believe it or not, not all men and women are promiscuous, and it’s partly because we consider something like that to be important. Therefore, it might surprise you that the same standards we hold ourselves to we’d want in a partner.
Crazy I know!
Another thing- the kind of people that were promiscuous tend to have extremely selfish, degrading and blatantly hypocritical demands on partners they choose to ‘settle down with’. It’s just a bum deal for anyone to have a relationship with them.
Agreed. The author couldn’t be more self-centered. The whole world must view sex, sexuality, and promiscuity jus like him, right?
I rolled my eyes when I read that the reason men were turned off by promiscuous women was because they would feel inadequate to her past lovers. I was saddened and shocked that a man wrote that crap. Men have evolved to run from highly promiscuous women just as they’ve evolved to run from tigers. Very promiscuous women likely have drug problems and psychological problems. Who would want those traits in their offspring? And men are not impressed by their friends who mess around. Most men joke about it, but inside the know their male friend is dealing with problems… Read more »
Thank youuuuuu
Do the same generalizations apply for men who’ve had sex with a lot of women? If a women who has had sex with fewer men than you say those very same things about you, would they be true?
Knowing myself and my own sexuality is something that helps me respect and accept that people have sex for different reasons, and that goes a long way in being open with another person.
Of course you were keen to stick your penis in her before asking the number. Does your right hand know what the left is doing? This is ridiculous. Women don’t rack up these numbers by themselves, maybe if men were a little more respectful and had an iota of self-discipline they would try to build a relationship before jumping in the sack.
It’s not her fault she let him screw her. BS. Women make the choices & give permission with sex. Nice try.
Men choose what kind of relationship with who & why. For my desires I won’t be consulting anyone. I only hold people accountable for their actions which might include others but I only desl with people directly.
My situation is a little different and my lady and I both need help. We were together for almost 4 years and apart for a year and a half before reconnecting this summer. Now we live together and neither of us can get past what happened while we were not a couple. Our circumstances differ and the reasoning differs but it all comes down to “why did you have to do it with that person or that person”. We judge each other and we obsess over it sometimes because having known each other for so long, lying about a number… Read more »
basically, it is a simple situation of not wanting to be with a women that other guys can come up to you and say they have had sex with. Men are cruel, especially to each other.
I think the number is irrelevant if she’s had more than one other lover. One is enough. I would only have sex with a woman I was serious about, and I’d expect her to feel the same. And having had sex with someone else is, in my opinion, not being serious, People should be serious about sex BEFORE they try it, I haven’t tried it yet. Partly because I haven’t met anyone, but also because it’s very difficult to find virgins at my age (38). I don’t know, it’s not so much that I’d feel like I was competing with… Read more »
Somewhat agreeing but it is terrifying. Imagine a woman says she slept with 20+ men but it was before she met you. And she left the sex and meeting men few months before because she wanted to live a good life and looking for good man to settle with. And then suddenly you come up thinking what it was before and every time you want sex , she is not interested and how thing it would be on you thinking that she had all fun and now she doesnt want anymore with you. Just only when she wants. Difficult to… Read more »
This is how I vew things:
It is not about STD’s or sexual skills, it is more about the morallity of the act and who would not love to be the first or second of someone whom they really love ? Sex can be learned and itself is just a glue for keeping people together.
But I was afraid that when I lost my virginity to him and they said I would remember and if I wasn’t good he’d leave me! That’s why I did it! Not because I was in love with him! But because I wanted to not get rejected!
You have sex with men in order to not get rejected? Wow, that’s some weak-ass shit.
Half the comments on this page is the living reason why women sleep around; men are hypocrites. Why pick one asshole in particular?
Women are sleeping around more than ever before.
And that is all because men can’t say no! 😉
Actually, this article is ridiculous.
There is now definitive research that shows that the number of sexual partners a woman has had is one of THE MOST PREDICTIVE factors in whether she will end up in a divorce, etc.
Google it. Interestingly, the same does not apply to men – which actually makes biological sense. We need to start focusing on the medical fact that promiscuous sex is bad for women.
My problem with high numbers is lack of discipline/self knowledge. That is unless you like sleeping around then more power to you. I know I cannot date everyone and am fine with that. But please understand I put myself under the same rules, if not more, than I demand from a partner.
I also make sure to keep my number in check because I can only have sex with someone I know deeply. Which if I have to be honest sometimes sucks but it is the only way my body goes haha!
Nobody saying woman should not have sex with men but it would just be nice if women give them selfs to some one they actually like instead of waking up with regret, , woman just remember have the last say men wouldent sleep with all these women if they said no its simply as that .
I’m sorry, but I disagree with the article.
There is no double standards. I expect decency from men as well as of women. And if my friend is indecent I trust him less.
You can argue as much as you want against this instinct of caring for sexual past and that a pure woman is a virgin woman, you will loose. It is just mother nature, it has a good reason to give this instinct to us, I’m sure.
Sorry, there are double standards.. One small example would be crying… Acceptable for women over many small things, not acceptable for men..I doubt many women would be attracted to guys who cried almost daily over any small thing. I am pointing out that sex is vastly different for men and women.. That is how we are made.. Even the girl who says she has casual sex without emotions points out the sex she had was with people she was already emotionally connected to, her friends. I have found that the most insecure women are the most sexual. Making a guy… Read more »
Hear, hear! I can honestly say the same. The women I have known who have had an abnormally high number of sex partners (25-100+) have all been victims of sexual abuse as a child or had a major complex about body image issues (overweight, ugly, etc). All of them. I have never met an emotionally balanced (for lack of a better word) “slut” in my life. At the same time, I have never met an emotionally balanced woman who was a virgin until marriage either. I am a person who values sex as a part of a mutually committed romantic… Read more »
Well said…I think in general the fewer the better, if you actually want to have a strong serious relationship. But is it natural or even beneficial to wait possibly until your upper 20’s or 30’s if you’re committed to waiting until marriage? Don’t know, but seems unlikely. Just listened to a short video today of Lolo Jones, the track athlete, discussing her decision to wait until marriage, and the difficulties involved. Personally I grew up very religious so of course was taught, even if only implicity, that any sex outside of marriage was wrong. While I don’t think that it’s… Read more »
WELL SAID, BROTHER!. I’ll stick to my own standards. The author can stick with his promiscuous spouse.
But what if we value a potential mate because she/he has had few or even no mates? I understand that if it doesn’t matter to you whether your partner has slept with 5 mates or 500 mates but I believe that those who want a relationship with someone who has had 0-2 mates are entitled to that as well.
In the end what matters is what kind of a person she managed to be after all the guys she been with,because Men date a lot and so does women and some women may be scared or uncomfortable with the idea because they come across as innocent and nice girls,most Men don’t pay much attention to them maybe to the average Men they seem boring for not having dated before or lower numbers or just average the most important point is for you to accept the one that suits you or as the famous saying goes your soul mate…let me… Read more »