Has gaslighting conditioned women into thinking they’re emotionally unstable? Yashar Ali thinks so.
You’re so sensitive. You’re so emotional. You’re defensive. You’re overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! You’re crazy! I was just joking, don’t you have a sense of humor? You’re so dramatic. Just get over it already!
Sound familiar?
If you’re a woman, it probably does.
Do you ever hear any of these comments from your spouse, partner, boss, friends, colleagues, or relatives after you have expressed frustration, sadness, or anger about something they have done or said?
When someone says these things to you, it’s not an example of inconsiderate behavior. When your spouse shows up half an hour late to dinner without calling—that’s inconsiderate behavior. A remark intended to shut you down like, “Calm down, you’re overreacting,” after you just addressed someone else’s bad behavior, is emotional manipulation—pure and simple.
And this is the sort of emotional manipulation that feeds an epidemic in our country, an epidemic that defines women as crazy, irrational, overly sensitive, unhinged. This epidemic helps fuel the idea that women need only the slightest provocation to unleash their (crazy) emotions. It’s patently false and unfair.
I think it’s time to separate inconsiderate behavior from emotional manipulation and we need to use a word not in our normal vocabulary.
I want to introduce a helpful term to identify these reactions: gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a term, often used by mental health professionals (I am not one), to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that they’re crazy.
The term comes from the 1944 MGM film, Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman. Bergman’s husband in the film, played by Charles Boyer, wants to get his hands on her jewelry. He realizes he can accomplish this by having her certified as insane and hauled off to a mental institution. To pull of this task, he intentionally sets the gaslights in their home to flicker off and on, and every time Bergman’s character reacts to it, he tells her she’s just seeing things. In this setting, a gaslighter is someone who presents false information to alter the victim’s perception of him or herself.
Today, when the term is referenced, it’s usually because the perpetrator says things like, “You’re so stupid” or “No one will ever want you” to the victim. This is an intentional, pre-meditated form of gaslighting, much like the actions of Charles Boyer’s character in Gaslight, where he strategically plots to confuse Ingrid Bergman’s character into believing herself unhinged.
The form of gaslighting I’m addressing is not always pre-mediated or intentional, which makes it worse, because it means all of us, especially women, have dealt with it at one time or another.
Those who engage in gaslighting create a reaction—whether it’s anger, frustration, sadness—in the person they are dealing with. Then, when that person reacts, the gaslighter makes them feel uncomfortable and insecure by behaving as if their feelings aren’t rational or normal.
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My friend Anna (all names changed to protect privacy) is married to a man who feels it necessary to make random and unprompted comments about her weight. Whenever she gets upset or frustrated with his insensitive comments, he responds in the same, defeating way, “You’re so sensitive. I’m just joking.”
My friend Abbie works for a man who finds a way, almost daily, to unnecessarily shoot her down and her work product. Comments like, “Can’t you do something right?” or “Why did I hire you?” are regular occurrences for her. Her boss has no problem firing people (he does it regularly), so you wouldn’t know that based on these comments, Abbie has worked for him for six years. But every time she stands up for herself and says “It doesn’t help me when you say these things,” she gets the same reaction: “Relax; you’re overreacting.”
Abbie thinks her boss is just being a jerk in these moments, but the truth is, he is making those comments to manipulate her into thinking her reactions are out of whack. And it’s exactly that kind manipulation that has left her feeling guilty about being sensitive, and as a result, she has not left her job.
But gaslighting can be as simple as someone smiling and saying something like, “You’re so sensitive,” to somebody else. Such a comment may seem innocuous enough, but in that moment, that person is making a judgment about how someone else should feel.
While dealing with gaslighting isn’t a universal truth for women, we all certainly know plenty of women who encounter it at work, home, or in personal relationships.
And the act of gaslighting does not simply affect women who are not quite sure of themselves. Even vocal, confident, assertive women are vulnerable to gaslighting.
Why?
Because women bare the brunt of our neurosis. It is much easier for us to place our emotional burdens on the shoulders of our wives, our female friends, our girlfriends, our female employees, our female colleagues, than for us to impose them on the shoulders of men.
It’s a whole lot easier to emotionally manipulate someone who has been conditioned by our society to accept it. We continue to burden women because they don’t refuse our burdens as easily. It’s the ultimate cowardice.
Whether gaslighting is conscious or not, it produces the same result: it renders some women emotionally mute.
These women aren’t able to clearly express to their spouses that what is said or done to them is hurtful. They can’t tell their boss that his behavior is disrespectful and prevents them from doing their best work. They can’t tell their parents that, when they are being critical, they are doing more harm than good.
When these women receive any sort of push back to their reactions, they often brush it off by saying, “Forget it, it’s okay.”
That “forget it” isn’t just about dismissing a thought, it is about self-dismissal. It’s heartbreaking.
No wonder some women are unconsciously passive aggressive when expressing anger, sadness, or frustration. For years, they have been subjected to so much gaslighting that they can no longer express themselves in a way that feels authentic to them.
They say, “I’m sorry” before giving their opinion. In an email or text message, they place a smiley face next to a serious question or concern, thereby reducing the impact of having to express their true feelings.
You know how it looks: “You’re late 
”
These are the same women who stay in relationships they don’t belong in, who don’t follow their dreams, who withdraw from the kind of life they want to live.
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Since I have embarked on this feminist self-exploration in my life and in the lives of the women I know, this concept of women as “crazy” has really emerged as a major issue in society at large and an equally major frustration for the women in my life, in general.
From the way women are portrayed on reality shows, to how we condition boys and girls to see women, we have come to accept the idea that women are unbalanced, irrational individuals, especially in times of anger and frustration.
Just the other day, on a flight from San Francisco to Los Angeles, a flight attendant who had come to recognize me from my many trips asked me what I did for a living. When I told her that I write mainly about women, she immediately laughed and asked, “Oh, about how crazy we are?”
Her gut reaction to my work made me really depressed. While she made her response in jest, her question nonetheless makes visible a pattern of sexist commentary that travels through all facets of society on how men view women, which also greatly impacts how women may view themselves.
As far as I am concerned, the epidemic of gaslighting is part of the struggle against the obstacles of inequality that women constantly face. Acts of gaslighting steal their most powerful tool: their voice. This is something we do to women every day, in many different ways.
I don’t think this idea that women are “crazy,” is based in some sort of massive conspiracy. Rather, I believe it’s connected to the slow and steady drumbeat of women being undermined and dismissed, on a daily basis. And gaslighting is one of many reasons why we are dealing with this public construction of women as “crazy”
I recognize that I’ve been guilty of gaslighting my women friends in the past (but never my male friends—surprise, surprise). It’s shameful, but I’m glad I realized that I did it on occasion and put a stop to it.
While I take total responsibility for my actions, I do believe that I, along with many men, am a byproduct of our conditioning. It’s about the general insight our conditioning gives us into admitting fault and exposing any emotion.
When we are discouraged in our youth and early adulthood from expressing emotion, it causes many of us to remain steadfast in our refusal to express regret when we see someone in pain from our actions.
When I was writing this piece, I was reminded of one of my favorite Gloria Steinem quotes, “The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn.”
So for many of us, it’s first about unlearning how to flicker those gaslights and learning how to acknowledge and understand the feelings, opinions, and positions of the women in our lives.
But isn’t the issue of gaslighting ultimately about whether we are conditioned to believe that women’s opinions don’t hold as much weight as ours? That what women have to say, what they feel, isn’t quite as legitimate?
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Yashar will be soon releasing his first short e-book, entitled, A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not Crazy — How We Teach Men That Women Are Crazy and How We Convince Women To Ignore Their Instincts. If you are interested and want to be notified when the book is released, please click here to sign-up.
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This post originally appeared on The Current Conscience.
—Photo lempicki.maciek/Flickr
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Read Mark Greene’s response:
About Yashar Ali
I wanted to thank you for this. Not often will a website or magazine for men take a positive look at woman.
Well said
Thanks for writing this article…
I’ve tried to put a word on this feeling for so long, indignation is the closest I’ve come so far (I’m from Sweden so some of the word might be lost in translation but..). This helps – a lot!
Someone who tells you “throwing a tantrum is not appropriate” may not have the intent of emotionally manipulating you, but may be literally communicating to you that you need to check yourself. Despite what this article may imply, effective communication does not involve having an emotional break down every time someone says something you do not accept.
Instead of trying to convince us that women are somehow weak and mentally handicap to effective communicating with those people who have a terrible “sense of humor”, promote respect for the agency of a person to address the person upsetting them while equipping them with verbal defense skills to do so.
Finally, instead of promoting an idea to an audience with a negative statement trying to battle “women = crazy”, try to take a more progressive and empowering position that promotes “women = empowered” [if you must try to make this a single-gender issue]. How would this work? Instead of positioning the reader to have to try and fight one’s way uphill, you start the reader on the very equal ground with which they actually stand: eye to eye.
True but I think the author was referring to jut because a woman has a different opinion with xyz man he says she is nuts or stupid etc. My father (and ex-husband also) is a man like that and you can be speaking calmly and rationally to him and if you don’t conform to his opinions then you are stupid, wrong, an idiot, ‘screwy in the head’ etc. I do agree with you though and having a melt down over every little thing ISN’T helpful and if anything fuel to this stereotype.
Just FYI, it’s “bear the brunt” (as in to carry most of the weight), not “bare” (expose) the brunt.
I can definitely see how gaslighting happens frequently, and i’ve had it done to me frequently by both men AND women, but to come up with a term like that and imply that whenever someone tells you to calm down that they’re in the wrong and you’re in the right is as equally shortsighted, biased, and manipulative. some people might be intentionally manipulating others’ emotions, and other people just might not want to be subject to histrionics. Once again, generalizing men’s behaviour is 100% as sexist as generalizing women’s behaviour, and it DOESN’T TELL THE WHOLE STORY. unfortunately, these things have to be taken on a case by case basis.
also, sometimes women overreact. men do too.
“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
― George Carlin
I see so much “hate” flying around the internet~Let’s have some humor, shall we?This piece is well written so thank you. As a screenwriter~the “Gaslight” film reference was excellent. If you want to see “crazy”, you will see crazy. Like attracts like. Even teenage boys complained to me recently that girls are “crazy”! I just found this GC quote & laughed…I look forward to this author’s book on the subject.
I absolutely agree with this article, but I also acknowledge that I myself have done this to men in my life in the past. Again, a product of social conditioning, like men are not supposed to express emotion. ‘Don’t take it so personally’ is one of the worst, from and to either gender.
Thank you for the enlightening article! I will definitely be more conscious not to ‘gaslight’ people in the future, and hear out their concerns.
This article made me think about how gaslighting also happens to non women a lot as well (trans,queer,male,etc). For example, when a guy gets hurt (emotionally or physically) and is told to “man up”. In this case, the male is being told he is oversensitive in much the same way.
I agree that women seem to be conditioned in a very negative way, to the point where (as you said) they have to be passive aggressive to simply express themselves. I’m not sure who has it worse (nor do I particularly want to discuss this), but I think everyone has their shortcomings when it comes to how they respond to other people. I think we could all put more attention to validating people’s experiences, and being more empathetic to them.
You sound intelligent. I like you.
My entire life I have been told that I must refrain from inappropriately expressing my emotions. “Never hit a woman, even if she hits you first”: “Women are emotional that’s just how it is” etc. This lie has been perpetuated by hundreds of people in my close circle of acquaintance including many respectable intelligent women, and by thousands in the media since. I know that this overwhelming number of sources can be wrong, and even my upbringing could be wrong. Maybe even my very judgement and instincts can be wrong. But I can never deny what I have seen with my own eyes, and what I have seen is a complete and utter lack of accountability on the part of women for their behaviors in almost every aspect of their lives. Some exceptions are childbirth, sex, parenting and jobs where absolute accountability is demanded (military, police work, etc.)
Women ARE more emotional. They are allowed much more lenience in a variety of areas in which men are just held to a different higher standard of behavior. The only question in my mind is whether this is evolutionary, biological, genetic, or socialized – or perhaps a combination. I have some theories.
I know, I know. Men are evil, violent, hate filled, vile creatures. Have at it – deflect away. We know already. But nothing that will be said here can take away the overwhelming preponderance of the evidence that I have seen with my own eyes. OJ Simpson was found not guilty in a criminal court because the standard of proof was “beyond a reasonable doubt” and that is how many feminists and supporters judge such things. But OJ was later found guilty in civil court. This is the standard I am sticking with = preponderance of the evidence . To dismiss my perspective as the ranting of an angry man is the easy, low hanging fruit used by neophytes and those who don’t do homework. Millions of Men know this to be true, but are afraid to say it because it is painfully true for them. If this site does nothing, it proves this by a preponderance of the evidence. Women need to own this and change it. Men need to own their violence and change it. End of story.
Rick, can you please give at least one example of the “complete and utter lack of accountability on the part of women for their behaviors” and show how men have behaved accountably in a similar situation? Because it is my experience that men behave in extremely emotional/irrational/unaccountable ways (as one commenter here noted, “just move a guy’s toolbox and see what happens”) but they are unable to clearly see or accept this behavior in themselves.
When women react to men’s irrational behavior, the men say, “Why are you acting so crazy?” Now, I don’t think that this is usually intentional on the part of the men — but rather that men need to see themselves as rational, and so they prevent themselves from seeing any irrationality in their actions.
Look, for example, at your words above, “Men are evil, violent, hate filled, vile creatures. Have at it – deflect away.” Now, who has said that men are evil, violent or hate-filled? No one. This article points to a specific kind of gaslighting behavior that men show a tendency towards (at least more so than women). This does not make men evil, etc.; it just means they need to own their behavior — as you, yourself, point out.
Part of owning means NOT blowing things out of proportion. (And bringing in OJ?? Really?? Why on earth did you do that? Doesn’t that whole situation more or less demonstrate how a man can go crazy and blame the woman in his life for his craziness??)
Anyway. I glean that by the OJ example you are trying to prove that there is a preponderance of evidence that women are emotional/irrational — but if this is your intent, then why don’t you cite at least one example from your own life rather than make blanket statements which, frankly, sound very misogynistic? And may I suggest that, in recollecting such an example, you try to imagine how the woman’s seemingly irrational behavior may in fact have been in reaction to another person’s behavior that seemed incomprehensible to her?
No one is dismissing your perspective; you are merely being asked to support it — rationally.
Ummmm… sorry but I fail to see how “Never hit a woman, even if she hits you first,” is in anyway connected to discussions around being emotional, being manipulative and owning behaviour? This is a complicated topic, but as Carol says, bringing violence into the discussion completely misses the point.
Also, this article is not a men vs. women article and neither should it be read or discussed as such. Agreed, we never win when we start stereotyping. This article is pointing out socialized masculine behaviour and feminine behaviour, which can be viewed in either men or women as individuals. So just because some one is a man, does not mean he is a “gaslighter,” just that it is a more common behaviour seen in men, which has also been seen in women. But it is based on how gender is expressed in society, not as an inherent aspect of being a particular sex.
Its early in the morning and I have just received the what I thought was the latest update on this article. I can not believe how long this has been going on. Apparently it is like the White Elephant in the room that everyone knows is there but avoids for some “stupid” reason. They seem to be picking and choosing the order with which to update me on these replies but this morning I got lucky enough to read Ricks’ reply. All I want to say at this moment is I am so glad to see both sides participating in this; now if everyone could just get it together and get it not only into print as a book but into the medical journals as to being a major REAL issue. Whether it be men, women, children; the problem needs a solution–non of which sounds feasible thus all we are going to do is continue to whine, rant and rave; hence nothing solved. Have a great day everyone; I so look forward to the next response.
Gas Lighting is a real thing that sucks and happens to both men and women, but over-reacting is a real thing that sucks and happens to both men and women too.
Yes people need to become educated about gas lighting, but that’s not necessarily what’s happening every single time someone says you are over reacting.
Some people over react. Some people actually are crazy too.
To be gender neutral without invalidating the gravity of sexism: men do get called these things, and often the person gas lighting is trying to feminize the man. I.e. calling a man a “bitch” for crying. This, IMHO, stems from a sort of femme-phobia in our society. Roots in gender descrimitnations but also affects men. I think this is how we should address the problem. And in no way am I agreeing with those people saying that this article is “sexist towards men.” Ali isn’t screaming bloody murder or nonsensically saying “all men are abusive pigs!11.” He, as a man sees a common problem and is addressing it. Do you call women crazy willy nilly? If not why so offended?
PS: I agree with the people asking for a wider scope of this problem to adequately address male sufferers of gas lighting. I just don’t appreciate the dismissive attitudes of others denying that sexism mostly affects women.
Women playing victim, and a guy responding to it. That is absolutely consistent with our culture and this article
This article seems like a guy buying into women that are playing victim
Actually, “playing the victim” is what abusers do when they say, “See how crazy/irrational/awful she is? THAT’S why I had to treat her that way!” i.e. “diverting attention away from acts of abuse by claiming that the abuse was justified based on another person’s bad behavior (typically the victim)”
Read up on it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Playing_the_victim
Just followed you on twitter. Great article. Well put, and well written in every sense of the word. I have found that there is a growing number of angry, anti-female, entitled male youth out there. I’m not sure if it’s the anonymity of the internet that brings them out in comment boxes and internet tirades, but have seen so much bad emotional and social behavior from young men lately. Thank you for putting out this positive and great work!
take a look at your facebook twitter instagram or whatever feed, and see how often a post or picture comes up saying something like “behind every beautiful woman is a man who did her wrong and made her strong” or “every single woman deserves a man who blah blah blah blah”…. look at the situation objectively, and then come back and tell me that the internet is the fortress of sexist entitled young MEN.
(Edited to remove personal insult. It’s one thing to disagree but no need to get personal. – GMP Moderator)
I do think it is the fact that society teaches (beats) men to restrain their emotions. The problem arises when men expect women to behave in this same fashion. Why hasn’t this point been addressed?
Personal experience, gas-lighting is a great way to establish credibility and who has it. It certainly isn’t gender specific and it’s just sad that so much of what’s being posted attempts to affirm that it is.
Ever see an employee with seniority gaslight someone with less seniority? I see it all the time. I see it in politics, I see it in media I even see it in institutions, teachers doing it to students.
I’m right which must mean your crazy, or stupid or evil or anything I need to call you so that my credibility exceeds yours. So I can have control and with that control I can make myself safe and if I’m safe then you must be safe and if your not it’s obviously not my fault, it must be yours which proves that your crazy or stupid or evil or whatever I have to call you.
Guys with toolboxs HAHAHAHA!!!!!
Girls with emotion-boxs HAHAHAHA!!!!!
Your all crazy and when can we put a match to this gas????
Personal experience, gas lighting is a great way to establish credibility and who has it. It certainly isn’t gender specific and it’s just sad that so much of what’s being posted attempts to affirm that it is.
Ever see an employee with seniority gaslight someone with less seniority? I see it all the time. I see it in politics, I see it in media I even see it in institutions, teachers doing it to students.
I’m right which must mean your crazy, or stupid or evil or anything I need to call you so that my credibility exceeds yours. So I can have control and with that control I can make myself safe and if I’m safe then you must be safe and if your not it’s obviously not my fault, it must be yours which proves that your crazy or stupid or evil or whatever I have to call you.
Guys with toolboxs HAHAHAHA!!!!!
Girls with emotion-boxs HAHAHAHA!!!!!
Your all crazy and when can we put a match to this gas????