Has gaslighting conditioned women into thinking they’re emotionally unstable? Yashar Ali thinks so.
You’re so sensitive. You’re so emotional. You’re defensive. You’re overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! You’re crazy! I was just joking, don’t you have a sense of humor? You’re so dramatic. Just get over it already!
Sound familiar?
If you’re a woman, it probably does.
Do you ever hear any of these comments from your spouse, partner, boss, friends, colleagues, or relatives after you have expressed frustration, sadness, or anger about something they have done or said?
When someone says these things to you, it’s not an example of inconsiderate behavior. When your spouse shows up half an hour late to dinner without calling—that’s inconsiderate behavior. A remark intended to shut you down like, “Calm down, you’re overreacting,” after you just addressed someone else’s bad behavior, is emotional manipulation—pure and simple.
And this is the sort of emotional manipulation that feeds an epidemic in our country, an epidemic that defines women as crazy, irrational, overly sensitive, unhinged. This epidemic helps fuel the idea that women need only the slightest provocation to unleash their (crazy) emotions. It’s patently false and unfair.
I think it’s time to separate inconsiderate behavior from emotional manipulation and we need to use a word not in our normal vocabulary.
I want to introduce a helpful term to identify these reactions: gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a term, often used by mental health professionals (I am not one), to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that they’re crazy.
The term comes from the 1944 MGM film, Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman. Bergman’s husband in the film, played by Charles Boyer, wants to get his hands on her jewelry. He realizes he can accomplish this by having her certified as insane and hauled off to a mental institution. To pull of this task, he intentionally sets the gaslights in their home to flicker off and on, and every time Bergman’s character reacts to it, he tells her she’s just seeing things. In this setting, a gaslighter is someone who presents false information to alter the victim’s perception of him or herself.
Today, when the term is referenced, it’s usually because the perpetrator says things like, “You’re so stupid” or “No one will ever want you” to the victim. This is an intentional, pre-meditated form of gaslighting, much like the actions of Charles Boyer’s character in Gaslight, where he strategically plots to confuse Ingrid Bergman’s character into believing herself unhinged.
The form of gaslighting I’m addressing is not always pre-mediated or intentional, which makes it worse, because it means all of us, especially women, have dealt with it at one time or another.
Those who engage in gaslighting create a reaction—whether it’s anger, frustration, sadness—in the person they are dealing with. Then, when that person reacts, the gaslighter makes them feel uncomfortable and insecure by behaving as if their feelings aren’t rational or normal.
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My friend Anna (all names changed to protect privacy) is married to a man who feels it necessary to make random and unprompted comments about her weight. Whenever she gets upset or frustrated with his insensitive comments, he responds in the same, defeating way, “You’re so sensitive. I’m just joking.”
My friend Abbie works for a man who finds a way, almost daily, to unnecessarily shoot her down and her work product. Comments like, “Can’t you do something right?” or “Why did I hire you?” are regular occurrences for her. Her boss has no problem firing people (he does it regularly), so you wouldn’t know that based on these comments, Abbie has worked for him for six years. But every time she stands up for herself and says “It doesn’t help me when you say these things,” she gets the same reaction: “Relax; you’re overreacting.”
Abbie thinks her boss is just being a jerk in these moments, but the truth is, he is making those comments to manipulate her into thinking her reactions are out of whack. And it’s exactly that kind manipulation that has left her feeling guilty about being sensitive, and as a result, she has not left her job.
But gaslighting can be as simple as someone smiling and saying something like, “You’re so sensitive,” to somebody else. Such a comment may seem innocuous enough, but in that moment, that person is making a judgment about how someone else should feel.
While dealing with gaslighting isn’t a universal truth for women, we all certainly know plenty of women who encounter it at work, home, or in personal relationships.
And the act of gaslighting does not simply affect women who are not quite sure of themselves. Even vocal, confident, assertive women are vulnerable to gaslighting.
Why?
Because women bare the brunt of our neurosis. It is much easier for us to place our emotional burdens on the shoulders of our wives, our female friends, our girlfriends, our female employees, our female colleagues, than for us to impose them on the shoulders of men.
It’s a whole lot easier to emotionally manipulate someone who has been conditioned by our society to accept it. We continue to burden women because they don’t refuse our burdens as easily. It’s the ultimate cowardice.
Whether gaslighting is conscious or not, it produces the same result: it renders some women emotionally mute.
These women aren’t able to clearly express to their spouses that what is said or done to them is hurtful. They can’t tell their boss that his behavior is disrespectful and prevents them from doing their best work. They can’t tell their parents that, when they are being critical, they are doing more harm than good.
When these women receive any sort of push back to their reactions, they often brush it off by saying, “Forget it, it’s okay.”
That “forget it” isn’t just about dismissing a thought, it is about self-dismissal. It’s heartbreaking.
No wonder some women are unconsciously passive aggressive when expressing anger, sadness, or frustration. For years, they have been subjected to so much gaslighting that they can no longer express themselves in a way that feels authentic to them.
They say, “I’m sorry” before giving their opinion. In an email or text message, they place a smiley face next to a serious question or concern, thereby reducing the impact of having to express their true feelings.
You know how it looks: “You’re late 
”
These are the same women who stay in relationships they don’t belong in, who don’t follow their dreams, who withdraw from the kind of life they want to live.
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Since I have embarked on this feminist self-exploration in my life and in the lives of the women I know, this concept of women as “crazy” has really emerged as a major issue in society at large and an equally major frustration for the women in my life, in general.
From the way women are portrayed on reality shows, to how we condition boys and girls to see women, we have come to accept the idea that women are unbalanced, irrational individuals, especially in times of anger and frustration.
Just the other day, on a flight from San Francisco to Los Angeles, a flight attendant who had come to recognize me from my many trips asked me what I did for a living. When I told her that I write mainly about women, she immediately laughed and asked, “Oh, about how crazy we are?”
Her gut reaction to my work made me really depressed. While she made her response in jest, her question nonetheless makes visible a pattern of sexist commentary that travels through all facets of society on how men view women, which also greatly impacts how women may view themselves.
As far as I am concerned, the epidemic of gaslighting is part of the struggle against the obstacles of inequality that women constantly face. Acts of gaslighting steal their most powerful tool: their voice. This is something we do to women every day, in many different ways.
I don’t think this idea that women are “crazy,” is based in some sort of massive conspiracy. Rather, I believe it’s connected to the slow and steady drumbeat of women being undermined and dismissed, on a daily basis. And gaslighting is one of many reasons why we are dealing with this public construction of women as “crazy”
I recognize that I’ve been guilty of gaslighting my women friends in the past (but never my male friends—surprise, surprise). It’s shameful, but I’m glad I realized that I did it on occasion and put a stop to it.
While I take total responsibility for my actions, I do believe that I, along with many men, am a byproduct of our conditioning. It’s about the general insight our conditioning gives us into admitting fault and exposing any emotion.
When we are discouraged in our youth and early adulthood from expressing emotion, it causes many of us to remain steadfast in our refusal to express regret when we see someone in pain from our actions.
When I was writing this piece, I was reminded of one of my favorite Gloria Steinem quotes, “The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn.”
So for many of us, it’s first about unlearning how to flicker those gaslights and learning how to acknowledge and understand the feelings, opinions, and positions of the women in our lives.
But isn’t the issue of gaslighting ultimately about whether we are conditioned to believe that women’s opinions don’t hold as much weight as ours? That what women have to say, what they feel, isn’t quite as legitimate?
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Yashar will be soon releasing his first short e-book, entitled, A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not Crazy — How We Teach Men That Women Are Crazy and How We Convince Women To Ignore Their Instincts. If you are interested and want to be notified when the book is released, please click here to sign-up.
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This post originally appeared on The Current Conscience.
—Photo lempicki.maciek/Flickr
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Read Mark Greene’s response:
About Yashar Ali
Interesting perspective, but I disagree with this.. I think that the author is overreaching. Sure, there are guys who manipulate women emotionally, but not all guys ‘gaslight’, and not all women who are emotional wrecks are that way because of a guy. I think it’s important that we all take responsibility for how we react to things, and ultimately that’s connected to our self- image. If you don’t feel good or confident about yourself, it will show in how you react to circumstances
It seems like you missed the point though. The article is speaking against the strict stereotype that women (by definition) are over emotional and irrational. It’s bullshit but some people will automatically dismiss the idea of a woman simply due to the source (talk about irrational). Having emotions is part of having a human brain and is not a strictly female attribute. And yes some people certainly can overreact in situations but this is both men and women.
True, that is the point, but what he describes is something that people do to other people. (some less than others) I get the “gaslight” a lot, mostly because I am not afraid to break ranks with people, or state a less popular perspective on things. As long as you intend to disrupt traditional power structures and refuse to uphold outdated taboos you will be “gaslight”-ed(?), among other things.
Sorry, but the author is not over-reacting. He is accurately describing a common occurrence in our culture. Many women protest men’s gaslighting, but it doesn’t have much of an effect on our culture because people usually don’t hold men accountable for it.
Just look at the defensive comments from the male posters, especially DeepThought. They could have used this article to reflect on their own behavior but they used pseudo-science and yes, gaslighting to maintain male dominance. Sad, very sad.
What about when people constantly react disproportionately to others behavior is that not also gaslighting. I think the issue that some readers are bringing up is the sexism towards men. Men and women both act irrational and emotionally (whether it is over or under reacting), that is to be human.
this seems like a blame game, and in reality the fact is that working at being an effective communicator should be everyones goal. whether that means learning understanding that something you felt was appropriate wasn’t to someone else or if that means taking a step back and using less emotionally charged reactions.
Framing what men do as being manipulative or an attempt to maintain male dominance, is in practice manipulation and thus I invite you to explore what you believe to be the real issues, stepping back from such a positional type of thinking.
Or then you could look at how Crystal Mangum was given a scholarship after falsely accusing the Duke LaCrosse team of rape.
Or how the girl who accused four young black men at Hofstra of gang rape was ‘troubled” and not charged with any crime…or the DSK accuser was still a victim just because she falsely claimed rape, had criminal connections and waited a long, long time to complain…
Then we have the slew of mothers murdering their children as of late…post partum, daddy abused me, bi polar…
What EVER could give men ideas women are unstable or “crazy”?
Men get away with that stuff alllll the time………?
Some women ARE crazy,
I can relate to this article. Growing up I was not able to express myself due to an overly controlled mother. I was shy and never told people how I felt. I thought this was the way things were with woman. Now that I am an adult I think I am still that way. I do express myself more but I still feel that woman are considered too emotional if they try and express themselves. I’m proud of myself for specking my mind here. Thanks for reading it.
It was really your father’s fault. He gaslighted your mother.
A great communication skill I learned far too late in life is to use “I” statements when faced with someone you think is overreacting. If you say “you’re crazy” or “you’re overreacting” or “there you go again,” you’re not going to get a receptive partner, there’s no good place to go from there, and you’ve just added another mine to the minefield.
Instead, if you put it on yourself, like “What I’m sensing is that you’re very upset, and I don’t understand where that’s coming from. Could you help me understand where you’re coming from with this?” then you may get an actual conversation, and the other person may come to an inside-out conclusion that he/she was overreacting. Getting her to see things from your perspective was one of the goals in the first place, right?
You still get to think she’s crazy and still get to think she’s overreacting, and you may still be right about that. You still get to have that interpretation. The key is how you share that interpretation.
“You still get to think she’s crazy and still get to think she’s overreacting, and you may still be right about that. You still get to have that interpretation. The key is how you share that interpretation.”
Your approach sounds pretty manipulative. I would feel quite insulted if you said, “What I’m sensing is that you’re very upset” because “upset” implies that I am not being rational.
You ought to say, “What I’m sensing is that something is bothering you and I want to understand what it is. You are probably more perceptive and knowledgeable than I am and I want to benefit from it.”
It is quite insulting to say, “You still get to think she’s crazy . . .” and believe me, darling, we women will sense that attitude of superiority.
Sometimes, people will act “crazy” because they are so frustrated with other’s people’s stupidity and willful ignorance.
I would say “upset” implies… upset. Thats what that word means ya kno.
Kathy,
If someone seems upset, I’m not sure what the problem is in saying that I notice that a person seems upset. Being upset is by definition an emotional reaction, which is by definition an irrational reaction. Being upset by something does not meant that a person is completely, inherently irrational at all times, just that he/she seems upset at this moment.
“You ought to say, “What I’m sensing is that something is bothering you and I want to understand what it is. You are probably more perceptive and knowledgeable than I am and I want to benefit from it.” ”
That sounds kind of manipulative, putting myself in the position of “less-than.” It sounds a bit passive-aggressive to my ears, and believe me I know how to be passive-aggressive. And, if I did not really believe that I was less perceptive and knowledgeable, that would be a lie.
If I had the impression that someone else is handling something less well than I would handle it, and I don’t understand the reaction, then I suppose you could see that as an attitude of superiority. It would be most constructive to keep that thought to myself, but I’m not going to police my thoughts in the interest of never feeling any ego at all.
I’m suggesting that it’s not realistic for a person to completely suppress his/her initial reaction every time he/she sees what looks like extreme behavior. Sometimes crazy is crazy.
I’m also suggesting that it is hopelessly irrational to demand that one’s partner be motivated by all the best, most correct internal attitudes at al times, whether those attitudes are expressed or not. That’s really bad boundaries, in my opinion.
(And I hope you’re not assuming that I think I’m sane and I think only other people are crazy. If I think someone is being crazy, I don’t mean it as a statement of my superiority. I’m totally batshit sometimes, so I know what it looks like.)
I’ve just finished reading this article and I am not quite sure what to make of the author or his opinion. The fact that he blames men for stealing women’s voice is both one-sided and short-sighted. In a perfect world, one could peg any number of perceived issues to one source, but when the author claims that men are responsible for women’s behaviorial deficiencies, he serves only to subjugate women. He is basically saying that women, the way they interract today, the way they feel, and most of the short-comings that they experience are the direct product of men’s influence and manipulation. He completely ignores the biological and chemical differences in the male and female brain as well as the differences in brain function. Here is a website that breaks it down very well, an article written by a subject matter expert, not a poorly researched opinion piece: http://www.thirdage.com/love-romance/the-male-vs-the-female-brain. In short, women use more of the emotion-driven part of their brains, while men tend to use the logic centers. As a result, women tend to be more in touch with their feelings/emotions and use a more complete approach to problem-solving. Neither is right or wrong, they are simply different. The author here does NOTHING to account for the difference in communication or function between the two genders and gives no examples as to how men communicate with each other. In a truly equal society, there would be no difference in communication. Men historically have no problem calling other men out for being overly-sensitive or taking things too seriously, again it is a difference in brain chemistry and function. Facts are facts, and women tend to remember this in a more emotional manner then men, and far more specifically, which lends to them taking things ‘to heart’ for lack of a better term. Fact: Women are more susceptible to depression, not only because of the larger limbic system, but also because they produce less serotonin than men. This fact lends to the statistic that women are 3x more likely to attempt suicide, however men are 3x more likely to successfully commit suicide since men choose more violent methods which is in part due to the smaller limbic system that men possess. Women’s larger limbic system allows them to feel more connected to other people, their actions and their feelings. The only historical evidence I can think of to lend any validity to the author’s claim is when males tell other males not to be a ‘woman’ about it. While I admit that being emotional can be or often is attributed to a women’s behavior, there are scientific facts to back up the differences in how men and women process information. To hold men soley responsible for biological/chemical differences is silly to say the least.
Deep Thought, I strongly disagree with many of your statements. Also, you need to learn how to break up your thoughts into paragraphs.
The author was just trying to get men to re-examine their prejudices against women.
DeepThought, you are guilty of gaslighting. You also need to learn how to write paragraphs.
“As a result, women tend to be more in touch with their feelings/emotions and use a more complete approach to problem-solving. ”
I agree with the first part, but as for problem solving, men are generally better at solving a single problem, whereas women are better at the ‘big picture’ problem.
“I agree with the first part, but as for problem solving, men are generally better at solving a single problem, whereas women are better at the ‘big picture’ problem.”
Anecdotal and fallacious. There is no scientific evidence to support what you assert, and mountains of data that contradicts your statement.
It hurts a lot of women to hear any examples of predetermined biological strengths in men, but that doesn’t make them any less legitimate.
I have to say; the copious amount of apologising for women and simultaneous degradation and social engineering of men on this website is perplexing. Is this not a site for men?
So Deep Thought what are your credentials? You post a lengthy comment on a slew of ideas with absolutely no references except for some guy named “Dr. Gray”. His book was horrible btw.
You didn’t talk about the “Period syndrom” but otherwise it’s quite true !
But i think women believe is this craziness also a little bit. Maybe not as much as men – since they know themselves. but some women also have sexist opinion, usually common opinions they just accept without rethinking.
This article just caused me to change the way I refer to myself and my sex. As a feminist who writes about sex and relationships, I cannot believe I let myself make the joke, “Women are crazy” over and over. It must stop! I don’t think I ever did it in my writing, but now I see the harm of doing it even in my personal life.
Thanks for that.
Thanks for the fine post, JF. If only DeepThought had used the article to reexamine his own prejudices against women, not to mention his erroneous view that men use the logical parts of their brain more than women.
But it isn’t just his view, it’s a fact. Men generally are more rational and logical.
“On average 55 vs 45%” would still be interpreted that way AND generally don’t mean a thing practically. There you go.
I don’t think it’s about men vrs women. It’s just that not ALL women are this way. Not ALL man are that way either. It’s a person by person case. That’s what real feminism is about. I don’t know about the dude that wrote this article… He just wants to get laid. Clearly.
“I don’t know about the dude that wrote this article… He just wants to get laid. Clearly.”
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who had that reaction….
*like*
Yes, we should stop with the “All women are crazy and all men are stupid” meme.
The world does not think that all men are stupid. Actually, the world thinks that men are intellectually superior to women.
If the world didn’t think all men are stupid people that type of television programming would not be doing so well but as we can see that meme is alive and strong.
We still agree that women have cooties though, right?
This is so prevalent that I caught myself doing it to myself last night. I”m glad I now have the language to know what to call this conversation. Thank you.
Hey Yashar,
You’re too sensitive.
Some woman have emotional “mommy or daddy problems” when they are growing up and dont know how to develop from them. I will be the first one to tell you that im not politically correct or think a thought out before saying it. If I altered my first reaction then im filtering myself and thought that I originaly wanted to express in the first place. I think it all stems from the way you were brought up and how you may alter things or bite your tongue on some things here and there you will say things that the opposite sex or same for that matter might not like.
I personally feel almost all choices I have made in life were good ones and its those I was wrong about were major turning of events in my life (most were bad) and I have to deak with them cause it was a choice I have maid.
I also think this artical is a way to excuse woman for their actions on some things like a menstrual cycle or a bad day at work. My current girl friend tells me that she is like the incredible hulk that week and is certainly over sensitive. I personally feel that some times she is looking for a fight cause her attitude is written all over her face wether she thinks I can see it or not.
I listen to alot of country music and most of the songs are about loving woman. There are some where a man is told if you do this or that then she gonna leave. What does that say about woman there? Most of the songs are about things experienced in the song writers life, so there are reasons men might pass that on to the next woman/relationship. If there are things that people experience in life from the opposite sex then that might make them be a little resentful toward that sex. Whats all this that woman stick together nonsense? I find that most woman do like each other behind their backs and seem to be 2 faced in many ways.
Im sure im way off base here but just thought I would post my .02 worth of thought or lack there of.
This is the worst article I have ever read, please refrain from addressing the topic again.
Thank you! lol
This article is long over-due. I don’t see the humor in tearing down women. We should all be a little more respectful and help to build each other up.
“…it’s first about unlearning how to flicker those gaslights and learning how to acknowledge and understand the feelings, opinions, and positions of the women in our lives.”
It has been demonstrated over and over again that males have a disconnect between rationalization (thinking) and feeling. Until that disconnect is repaired (and that’s your responsibility guys, because the current definition of manliness delineates emotional well being) our women will always appear “Crazy” because we’re operating at reduced capacity. For those operating from a rational state of mind, you have no idea what I’m talking about and that’s sad…
“Until that disconnect is repaired (and that’s your responsibility guys, because the current definition of manliness delineates emotional well being) our women will always appear “Crazy” because we’re operating at reduced capacity. ”
Who is raising you with those ideas? A full half are women. So yeah, don’t ask broken men to fix themselves, fix the next generation so they’re not.
Stephen A.,
ONE way to look at it is as a disconnect or break between two things that “should” be more connected somehow.
That seems to assume that the stereotypical “male brain” is broken or undeveloped somehow because it separates rational from emotional states of being. Why not look at it from the opposite hypothesis – maybe there’s a reason that rational and emotional states are separate, and maybe some people don’t have *enough* separation between rationality and feelings.
I admit I could be biased as someone who tends to keep the two separate in my mind. I tend to think or the way I experience life as “normal,” of course. But, maybe it’s just as biased to assume that I’m the one who needs to change to become more “connected,” whatever that means. If I’ve learned anything from relationships (and I know that’s questionable), it’s that just because something works differently doesn’t mean that it’s broken or in need of “repairing.”
But women are more emotional, sensitive, irrational/illogical, etc. etc. It’s the chemicals in the brain that cause this, not men or society.
Women’s general emotional state, their PMS experience, mental health, and capacity for rational thought are widely variable person to person. Same for men (well, maybe minus the PMS). But we are socialized to believe that men should be emotionally distant/disconnected and women are inherently emotional and fallible, despite countless examples to the contrary. Reinforcing these gender stereotypes only continues to damage the mental health of both men and women.
Just because we have more “chemals” than men, doesn’t mean that we are irriational because “men” don’t have the same chemicals than we do…..you could easily say that men are “insensitive” because they’re missing these “chemicals”….it’s one sided.
Men have chemicals too. In fact science thinks that the PMS effects occurs in men too but for longer periods of time. All they think in women it has been overstated in most cases. Men chemicals are just as fun too! Testorerone for instance. A great way to stay logical.
There’s a related phenomenon of men thinking that women are “oversensitive” or “expect you to read their minds” due to (confirmed by linguist Deborah Tannen’s research) differences in how (American) men and women use context and subtext in conversation. One example is the old “does this dress make me look fat?” question, which men perceive as a “trap” because “there’s no right answer and she’ll just get mad no matter what I say,” ignoring the fact that how one responds and the subtext of one’s response matter as much as what words one uses. I’ve joked that men think women expect them to read their minds because men are conversational infants as far as women are concerned, but of course the joke also reduces gender behavior to stereotypes.
Thanks for bringing attention to a dangerous and unproductive cultural stereotype.
Marriage, which not surprisingly ended. Now my new relationship. Manipulation. Narcissism. My reasonable objections are met with this type of reaction in attempts to deflect blame. Period.
Crazy is as crazy behaves. I long to find a woman, just one, that takes responsibility for her emotions in the same manner that men are expected to. I don’t deny women feel emotions, or even that men do. We are all responsible for what we do as a result of those emotions, unless you are a woman.
Consider a recent case of multiple rapes and sexual assaults of children under 15 years of age who were also students of the perpetrator. The offender got lenient treatment because of her emotional state, less gaol time, less public condemnation and no listing on a Sexual Offenders register. All because her emotions were accorded so much importance. I’m waiting to see the first man get such lenient treatment with the same defence.
Think of emotions as a disconnect between motivation and action – unfortunately (maybe) and in general, women are more actively passive than men, so that emotions take on a larger role in our composition. I’ve been called too emotional, at times, when I show prolonged and repeat emotions on something that could be acted upon, as the closest male (sibling, father, partner, coworker) attempts to provide an action plan to unburden that emotion. The “crazy” comes along when I’m perceived as preferring emotions to action – but this is only true if you stick with the notion that emotion is only useful as a precursor to action. It is not. Once you realize it is not, most of the “crazy” goes away.
The idea that women are more emotional than men is a stereotype that can also hurt men. In my twenties, I was in a few long-term relationships in which my partner used emotional outbursts as a way to control discussion and keep conversations focused on her. (At least, that’s how I came to interpret what I was experiencing.) I take equal responsibility for being part of that dynamic. I was too lazy, timid and complacent to do anything about it, and I just assumed that relationships just had to have much more room for a woman’s feelings than a man’s feelings. Gender stereotypes are really handy for shirking responsibility, I find. Very handy when you feel like it’s all “their” fault, whoever “they” are. I felt like I was being shut down and silenced, and that there was no real room for my feelings, only hers, because of course she’s female and I’m male, so I was left high and dry and she was left with a disengaged partner.
As far as I remember, I didn’t do any gaslighting, though their memories of it may be very different. I just assumed that submission to her emotions was the natural state of male/female relationships. (Yeah, I gave myself some self-pity martyrdom points. Those aren’t too useful, as it turns out – can’t ever really be cashed in anywhere, and they’re toxic when you hang onto them too long.)
If there is a female-to-male counterpart to gaslighting, it would be dismissing a man’s thoughts and feelings as “ego,” as in “that’s just your stupid male ego talking.” It’s a very powerful way of getting a man to doubt the validity of his feelings, even to dismiss them as trivial vanities that of course a more enlightened person would not feel. I don’t know if it’s as common as gaslighting, but it’s certainly something that’s used to keep men’s emotional expression in check.
I hadn’t considered it from this perspective, though I’ve witnessed the phenomena in plenty of my male friends’ relationships. Thank you for the insight.
First, in relation to “conditioning” and men being conditioned to more or less not acknowledge/articulate their feelings, right? As young men they are told to basically “suck it up”, “don’t be a wussy”, “walk it off big guy,” etc. therefore, predisposing them to refrain from sharing how you and really that it’s unaccepted for a “real man.” Which can certainly develop into a male concluding that it’s “irrational” when someone (females) DO express themselves. So, looking at it from that angle, it’s probably less premeditated and insensitive than us women maybe tend to believe, or how we ourselves then in away, gaslight a man right back labeling him as an “insensitive jerk”, and “he doesn’t care”, etc.
Second, as young ladies, us girls are physically cradled, typically encouraged along the lines of, “oh, angel, are you alright?” “Tell mommy/daddy what is bothering you,” “if your feelings are hurt, let’s just talk about it and you will feel better.” Therefore, leaving us to feel that it’s perfectly normal to openly advertise our feelings, which is exactly the opposite of our counterparts.
In conclusion with this particular observation of a very real scenario I personally face daily, as the stay at home mother to both a little man and young lady, and I chose to personally implement this next point of view into my family and the upbringing of my children. I “feel” (there’s that smiley face) if there was consistency, non gender specific, but as human beings, to instill/encourage/empathize, to any child, the importance, as well as acceptance, to be able, and confident, to not only effectively communicate our real feelings, but to thoroughly understand our feelings, internally, as a part of anonymity, you need to be alright with what YOU feel, to have the confidence you deserve as a human being that is just as important as every other human being on this planet.
And finally, in a perfect world, say both genders equally feel accepted and comfortable to express themselves, there would be more open conversations, possibly less conflict, and gaslighting? But more importantly, I feel that as people, who all have feelings and emotions, if we actually understood them, didn’t feel as though we needed to filter them in a way that caters to the recipient of who’s about to hear our feelings, the health of marriages in particular, could potentially be stronger. Men wouldn’t feel obligated to “take it like a man” and women wouldn’t feel the overwhelming need to continually make it known how they feel about everything because they would understand and just accept their feelings more, reducing the need to share them for reassurance, giving them more confidence and less desire to relay their feelings, which I think is essentially away for us to justify ourselves stemming from lack of self confidence, as frequently as we do.
Does that make sense to anyone but me? Bottom line is, treat your children equally, they’re children, they should be encouraged to talk about what they’re thinking and feeling but not to a degree that everything needs to be discussed all of the time in every situation, nor does it need to be accepted by anyone but themselves, giving more confidence to just sit back, recognize how they feel, and possibly go on with their day, giving less importance to what others seems to feel about THEIR feelings.
I’m sure the secret is out of the bag on the way my parents raised me, dang smiley face! Thanks everyone, Great conversations and perspectives all.
Sincerely, Jolene!