One of the most popular HuffPo posts over the weekend was about how many wives hate their husbands, written by Iris Krasnow who has published a book on the same topic. I didn’t find it directly but saw that it was featured at the top of my Google News feed as one of the most trafficked stories on the internet. It starts:
“Help! I hate my husband.”
This is how a letter starts in my Inbox today. It’s from a 41-year-old woman named Cindy in Dallas who has been married for 12 years. I get hate mail like this using slightly different language several times a week. Substitute the word “hate” for “loathe”, “despise”, “can’t stand” and occasionally, “wanna kill”.
I always tell these women the same thing: You are definitely not alone. Plenty of wives feel this way. Plenty of wives think about divorce at least once a month, if not more, and manage to stay married for decades. My conclusions about the see-saw between hate and love come not as a psychologist or as a minister who counsels her flock. I am an author of five relationship books, including The Secret Lives of Wives, to whom women tend to tell all, about joy and sorrow and cheating and lying, about hot sex and no sex – and lots of dish in between.
Any woman married for longer than six months, if she is honest, knows the eggshell thin line that separates loving from loathing The deeper the love, the deeper the potential to hate. Any wife who is honest knows the compulsion to throw things, to hiss, to swear, to sit in the driveway in your bathrobe, engine running, sobbing.
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Now you might recall that here at GMP there was a nuclear meltdown just before the holidays over a piece I wrote entitled “Being a Dude is a Good Thing” in which I said, among other things:
One close friend jokes, “When speaking to my wife I always make sure to look at the ground in deference. And I make sure not to make any sudden movements.” I’ve watched him. He loves his wife.
He’s a very competent human being. But with her he’s decided the only way to survive is to submit. The female view is the right view. The male view just gets you into trouble.
So where does the blame come from?
My unscientific theory is from a fundamental disconnect between men and women at the micro level. Men know women are different. They think differently, they express emotion differently, they are motivated by different things, they think about sex differently, and they use a very different vocabulary.
Why can’t women accept men for who they really are? Is a good man more like a woman or more truly masculine?
Does anyone else see these two pieces of mirrors of one another? I was actually asking, not telling, whether or not men should attempt to be more like women to get along. But I was acknowledging that what I see in my extremely limited sample of experience is that a lot of guys seem to feel that their wives hate them. And I got slammed for saying it out loud.
But a woman writes a book and a HuffPo blog about how women are coming out of the woodwork because they hate their husbands (and she has the answers to how to deal with the man in your life even if his manhood drives you nuts) and she’s the most popular thing the internet has ever seen.
Can someone please clear up this inconsistency?
This sounds sick and dysfunctional. If you hate your spouse then do the two of you a favor and leave. you cannot have a healthy relationship of any sort with hatred as an underlying emotion.
The viewpoint espoused “Any woman married for longer than six months, if she is honest, knows the eggshell thin line that separates loving from loathing ” is reflective of an unhealthy (and in my opinion mentally ill) attitude. If this was written by a man it would immediately be tagged as misogynous viewpoint.
Okay, well im not a very good wife i bicker and am happy with our son and pregnant with our second, untill he gets home then i hate him; im not sure why. Phycological i guess, im willing to change but im not sure what he feels he loves me i know, where is this hate coming from? We have been togeather for 5 years. We met hichhiking and were togeather 6 months before figuring out that we didnt want to be bums forever or so we thought. Maybe its societys influience that keep us angry because of all the… Read more »
First off, don’t think of yourself as screwed up as it makes it far harder to get better. Think of it more like having a cold, not a permanent or chronic injury, something which can be beaten. If you’re worried I’d advise counseling, that may help understand why you feel the need to “nag” and be a “bitch” (in your words). Sometimes it’s just unresolved stress n anxiety, sounds a bit like maybe you’re not an overly trusting person? Take me for example, I sometimes get quite sensitive cuz I’ve had a lot of abuse and so close friends sometimes… Read more »
I realize this is only my part of the story and I don’t know his thoughts or feelings. The reason being is he won’t talk to me, he just avoids me and walks away if I say some thing. Some one said I should of had the marriage annulled and he or she is right but I was the stupid one and didn’t. I thought that things would get better! I just didn’t have enough money to venture out on my own, and my parents didn’t want me back. I wish this was all ficton but its not. What bothers… Read more »
Amy
It takes two to have a relationship. Your husband’ is responsible for his behaviour. Not you. You are responsible for you. I don’t know where you live, but there are places to go to help you find somewhere to live and provide emotional support.
You don’t have to stay in a relationship which is making you ill.
You can look after you, but not all alone, please reach out to one of the many women’s help services in your country. You have the internet; you have the greatest source of information available to humans at any time in history.
“After a few days” means you could have easily annullled the marriage.
Agreed. And you’d think if the husband only got married to see what it was like, he’d be more than willing to annul it after such a short time. I see the same thing in this story that I see in a lot of feminist theory (don’t know if Amy is feminist, only noting a similarity), and that is the assumption of men’s motives/intent, always hostile to women or entirely self serving, in order to explain an outcome that was undesirable to the woman/women, and absolves the of any responsibility in that outcome. Of course, we only have her side… Read more »
Why did you stay married?
I think the word hate is a very strong word. Before I was married I never used the word hate. Well I’ve been married 45 years and the word hate is now in my vocabulary. My husband only married me to see what it was like, and after a few days he hated marriage, what it stood for and the gross disgusting sex that followed. He decided he would move to the basement and live down there. He wanted nothing to do with me. All he wanted was don’t talk to him and leave him alone. So that is exactly… Read more »
The guy my ex girlfriend left me for dropped her for someone he works with! Your spell works fast! Of course she called me but I want nothing to do with her. I love knowing I had everything to do with this, [email protected] is the best spell caster in the world.
This is my absolute first time ever posting a comment on any website but felt compelled to whole-heartedly agree with “WornOutHusband”. He so eloquently and truthfully speaks of the industry of marriage and the system in place to keep people unhappy and indebted (both financially & emotionally). I currently live with the most argumentative individual probably on the whole planet and every day I think about living alone with our young daughter. I can’t stand him. He is a good father but the day to day bickering is too much. The notion of ‘total happiness’ in our culture in terms… Read more »
“Help! I am a person who wallows in feelings of hatred.” This would have been a more accurate title. There is nothing “gendered” (there is nothing specific to the sex of the person) about this character flaw. (PS: Please join the anti-newspeak revolution by helping to excise the discredited notion of “gender” which we have been sold by the social engineers. Nouns have gender. The male sex and the female sex are sexes, not “genders.”)
Where is it written that marriage is a cake walk? That once you have the rings on the fingers that everything is done with and it all falls together without a hitch? For better and for worse? I’ve been married 38 years and am still madly in love with my wife. IMO, it was to our benefit that we married early (age 20) in that we did grow and mature together. We came out of the gate with the same beliefs and values so that was a non-issue. Of course we didn’t base our relationship on sex, it was based… Read more »
If we’re acknowledging that men and women are different, communicate differently, experience emotions differently, etc– then isn’t, “How come women can say this about men, but men can’t say this about women?” a flawed question to begin with?? To me, it’s sort of an apples and oranges comparison, I guess, especially given that one of those groups is in a sphere that wields the bulk of privileges and controls many institutions in our society. I’m commenting on the “rightness” or “wrongness” of a spouse sometimes hating their spouse, regardless of gender. I just don’t think this is a good for… Read more »
” isn’t, … a flawed question to begin with??” No. Because, while men and woman may communicate differently, that does not mean they should be held to different standards. And if you want to argue it should, then this argument needs to apply to all aspects of gender debate, including military and emergency worker admission requirements, pay for construction, mining and oil rig type work, etc. But your falling back on patriarchy theory to defend your double standard would suggest this would not be acceptable to you. “To me, it’s sort of an apples and oranges comparison,” It always is… Read more »
“whether true in the past or not is a matter of debate (Patriarchy)”
Guys. You need to make the education in America get better. Right now. How could someone even question what Patriarchy is and means and how most societies in this world did (and many, actually most, still do) indulge in it?
Question to the guys out there: I am married to a man who says he loves me but then, during our 13 years together has never made me feel special. No honey moon, no gifts, no flowers ever! We have two beautiful sons and I have always worked and earned more than him. I have been saving for years and would love for us to buy our own Place but he always has some excuse. Last year he moved away from me and the kids to work abroad and although we talk every day, it is not the same. I… Read more »
Do you do anything for him, special gifts, massages etc? He could be depressed which can appear to be a lack of interest in anything in life, there are a lot of variables so it’s best to just ask him instead of letting your mind think up the worst and worry about it. He could simply just be a man that likes stuff simple, no gifts, but without knowing him it’s hard to say.
My first questions would be, 1: as Archy asked, do you do anything to make him feel special? You expect it from him, do you reciprocate? 2: Why did you two get married in the first place? It doesn’t sound like there was much love in the relationship to begin with, so what prompted the proposal?
I tend to agree with Mark: it sounds like your couple never “sparked”. Maybe you married him in the hope the marriage would have made you loved… but perhaps it was more your assumption than reality.
By any chance, did you marry because you were pregnant?
(countless people did that, and then found they were a bad match)
I agree with LF. I don’t see any evidence that anyone is really happy married; except, maybe, gays because their obligation appears to be considerably less permanent. It’s like a religion. Nobody believes the pie-in-the-sky crap they spout about gods and nirvanas, but they continue to spread the propaganda because there is money in those hills. Obviously, there is not way to rationally imagine the universe is a friendly place for a short-lived species like ours when the overwhelming majority of that space is hostile to life. Likewise, no one is happier married than single or as a parent than… Read more »
Love your post and truly agree about being sold a bill of goods to keep us slaves to the system. Oddly I do believe in god though. I’ve actually tried to convince myself he’s not real but I can’t. Go figure. Back to topic now. I often think of living alone and I first feel sad and scared but then when I realize I’m more concerned about what everyone will think when I’m a crazy old cat lady than I am about being alone I get excited. I start thinking how awesome it would be. I also wonder why we… Read more »
That should read why we have kids ..
“Obviously, the “stay-at-home parent” gets a benefit, at the cost of that person’s independence and competence”
Excuse me? WHAT benefit would that be?
You don’t have children, do you?
Here goes my kneejerk reaction to the popularity of the article, but I think it’s actually a valid point anyway: I can’t help but wonder at the public reaction to an article if the genders were switched. Imagine the outrage if the letter circulating the internet said “I hate my wife” or “she disgusts me” or “sometimes I just want to kill her.” Would the advice columnists reassure him that such feelings are perfectly common and normal in a marriage? Somehow I doubt it. In that case such feelings would be taken as evidence of some sort of psychosis. What… Read more »
I think in general that it’s become acceptable to treat your partner poorly, whatever gender that participants are. It’s become acceptable to be harsh and cruel and expect that you still get eat your cake. If culture and television spent more time portraying considerate behavior to your loved ones I think this would be less of a problem.
I work more than 40 hours a week, i cook, i clean and i pay for my husband to go to school. He wrecked his motorcycle a few years ago and got fired twice from the same job. We have been married 17 years. My husband talks to me like i am dirt. After doing all of the above, I happen to like sex but when I tell my husband and ask for affection with the climax of sex i am told and I quote:” do i have to climb on every time my wife asks!!!” He also cussed me… Read more »
@me
Thing is there are probably fairly equal levels of men and women being treated like shit by their partners so that may help in realizing it’s just individuals that are bad, and not the gender. You probably aren’t doing anything wrong, but he could be wrong for you? Some people just do not deserve your love and you need someone much better than that hubby of yours, either he lifts his game or maybe it’s time to find someone else. Hope it improves for you.
@me, I’m sorry for your situation. I don’t know the details, but from your words it seems obvious your husband doesn’t care much for you. And from his attitude, I can’t see much room for improvement. @me: “What am i doing wrong and why can’t i be loved and adored?” Well, first thing you did wrong was chosing and marrying him. I’m not blaming you, but it’s important acknowledging the importance of your choices. Our life is mostly the product of our own choices. Awareness is empowering; denial is weakness. Of course you can be loved (“adored” sounds quite idealized,… Read more »
I have only one question, with everything that you stated, why are you still wih him?
You’re with the wrong guy. Leave him.
I agree with Archy. Jerks come in both genders. Any men being treated in a similarly crappy manner by their wives should leave too.
Tom: I have considered your question as to why the different responses in regards to the gender reversal for 3 days now. This is my answer,if you care to print it: No matter how good of a man you are,there is always another man out there with more money,more charisma,and ‘new.’ This is the “Good Man” the women are looking for,the next bigger,better deal. The other good-men TM are not allowed to talk about this,as it would upset the power balance in the equation that lets one sex run roughshod over the other. My friend,the blinders have slipped a bit,the… Read more »
“No matter how good of a man you are,there is always another man out there with more money,more charisma,and ‘new.”
Can’t the same be said about women. No matter how pretty you are, try to keep yourself in shape, be loving and doting on your husband – he’ll always be ready to toss you for a younger, hotter, more flexible, dumber, more high maintenance, pouty, bratty barely legal babe?
Really, it goes both ways.
That is absurd. Women don’t want a different man from their husbands, they want their husbands to be better men.
Can someone please clear up this inconsistency?
You need to figure it out for yourself and come to your own conclusions. Perhaps your privilege is interfering with your understanding of the cause /s
I didn’t bother whining about my spouse – I moved out.
Hate is not a gender thing – remember sharing house when a student?
Too much familiarity breeds contempt.
To all out there (yes, the two of you) who manage to live together and love together – power to ya!
I have news for those women: those feelings are probably mutual.
I really don’t think this is a male vs female issue, I think it’s our current culture.
Can someone please clear up this inconsistency?
No problem. Different individuals with different opinions responding to each article.
Nice life getting married and nagged huh?
You just need to accept the impermanence of relationships and consider women like that to be past their best before date and put out on the curb.
Hmm. Tom, I don’t really see the two pieces as being mirrors of one another. The HuffPo article was not really anything to do with gender – there are plenty of men who feel the same way about their wives and could just as easily have written that article. Your point seemed to be that these types of drama in relationships are gender based, that there’s a fundamental difference between men and women and the way we think and approach relationships, and “the female view is always right,” and ask whether being a good man means becoming more like a… Read more »
There’s an advice blog called, iirc, “Keeping Her Happy”. The proprietor’s view is that men and women have different emotional scales. Men’s scales run from scared/angry to neutral to ecstatic. Neutral being in the middle. Women’s scale runs from bored to ecstatic. When a wife is bored with her husband, says the blog, she’s going to be gone in one way or another. Not sure what I think about it., It might be interesting to look it over and see what you think. Advice is to stand up to her crap–she will shit test you regularly–and don’t let things get… Read more »
My mother has always said that there should be mandatory testing before marriage licenses are granted. It seems that this womans husband would have really benefited from it. I’d suggest testing for emotional, financial ect maturity as well as a thorough understanding of how love and relationships work. I’ll agree that the Disney world view has seriously poisoned attitudes towards marriage. However, she’s an adult and should have realized that Disney is fantasy and nothing more. There have been a few posters upthread who’ve stated that this woman needs to own her own problems. I couldn’t agree more. I’d bet… Read more »