One of the most popular HuffPo posts over the weekend was about how many wives hate their husbands, written by Iris Krasnow who has published a book on the same topic. I didn’t find it directly but saw that it was featured at the top of my Google News feed as one of the most trafficked stories on the internet. It starts:
“Help! I hate my husband.”
This is how a letter starts in my Inbox today. It’s from a 41-year-old woman named Cindy in Dallas who has been married for 12 years. I get hate mail like this using slightly different language several times a week. Substitute the word “hate” for “loathe”, “despise”, “can’t stand” and occasionally, “wanna kill”.
I always tell these women the same thing: You are definitely not alone. Plenty of wives feel this way. Plenty of wives think about divorce at least once a month, if not more, and manage to stay married for decades. My conclusions about the see-saw between hate and love come not as a psychologist or as a minister who counsels her flock. I am an author of five relationship books, including The Secret Lives of Wives, to whom women tend to tell all, about joy and sorrow and cheating and lying, about hot sex and no sex – and lots of dish in between.
Any woman married for longer than six months, if she is honest, knows the eggshell thin line that separates loving from loathing The deeper the love, the deeper the potential to hate. Any wife who is honest knows the compulsion to throw things, to hiss, to swear, to sit in the driveway in your bathrobe, engine running, sobbing.
Now you might recall that here at GMP there was a nuclear meltdown just before the holidays over a piece I wrote entitled “Being a Dude is a Good Thing” in which I said, among other things:
One close friend jokes, “When speaking to my wife I always make sure to look at the ground in deference. And I make sure not to make any sudden movements.” I’ve watched him. He loves his wife.
He’s a very competent human being. But with her he’s decided the only way to survive is to submit. The female view is the right view. The male view just gets you into trouble.
So where does the blame come from?
My unscientific theory is from a fundamental disconnect between men and women at the micro level. Men know women are different. They think differently, they express emotion differently, they are motivated by different things, they think about sex differently, and they use a very different vocabulary.
Why can’t women accept men for who they really are? Is a good man more like a woman or more truly masculine?
Does anyone else see these two pieces of mirrors of one another? I was actually asking, not telling, whether or not men should attempt to be more like women to get along. But I was acknowledging that what I see in my extremely limited sample of experience is that a lot of guys seem to feel that their wives hate them. And I got slammed for saying it out loud.
But a woman writes a book and a HuffPo blog about how women are coming out of the woodwork because they hate their husbands (and she has the answers to how to deal with the man in your life even if his manhood drives you nuts) and she’s the most popular thing the internet has ever seen.
Can someone please clear up this inconsistency?
About Tom Matlack
Can someone please clear up this inconsistency?
No problem. Different individuals with different opinions responding to each article.
I have news for those women: those feelings are probably mutual.
I really don’t think this is a male vs female issue, I think it’s our current culture.
I didn’t bother whining about my spouse – I moved out.
Hate is not a gender thing – remember sharing house when a student?
Too much familiarity breeds contempt.
To all out there (yes, the two of you) who manage to live together and love together – power to ya!
Can someone please clear up this inconsistency?
You need to figure it out for yourself and come to your own conclusions. Perhaps your privilege is interfering with your understanding of the cause /s
Tom:
I have considered your question as to why the different responses in regards to the gender reversal for 3 days now.
This is my answer,if you care to print it:
No matter how good of a man you are,there is always another man out there with more money,more charisma,and ‘new.’
This is the “Good Man” the women are looking for,the next bigger,better deal.
The other good-men TM are not allowed to talk about this,as it would upset the power balance in the equation that lets one sex run roughshod over the other.
My friend,the blinders have slipped a bit,the horse sees the crowd.
Best not to look again lest the horse spook and run amok,like a free range
(man.)
“No matter how good of a man you are,there is always another man out there with more money,more charisma,and ‘new.”
Can’t the same be said about women. No matter how pretty you are, try to keep yourself in shape, be loving and doting on your husband – he’ll always be ready to toss you for a younger, hotter, more flexible, dumber, more high maintenance, pouty, bratty barely legal babe?
Really, it goes both ways.
I work more than 40 hours a week, i cook, i clean and i pay for my husband to go to school. He wrecked his motorcycle a few years ago and got fired twice from the same job. We have been married 17 years. My husband talks to me like i am dirt. After doing all of the above, I happen to like sex but when I tell my husband and ask for affection with the climax of sex i am told and I quote:” do i have to climb on every time my wife asks!!!” He also cussed me out the other day just for asking for a ride to work. I get the priviledge of his company when he feels like it which is not even close to often. He says he is free white and over 21 if he wants to get drunk anytime its none of my business. He was tutoring a girl from college and went to her house behind my back more than once and still expects me to trust him. He makes out like i am the devil all the time. So if other women are living in this kind of hell i can see why the other website is so popular. To me what man would not want a woman who works to put food on the table and put them through school and does most to all of the house work and still wants to have a romp at the end of the day. What am i doing wrong and why can’t i be loved and adored?
@me
Thing is there are probably fairly equal levels of men and women being treated like shit by their partners so that may help in realizing it’s just individuals that are bad, and not the gender. You probably aren’t doing anything wrong, but he could be wrong for you? Some people just do not deserve your love and you need someone much better than that hubby of yours, either he lifts his game or maybe it’s time to find someone else. Hope it improves for you.
@me, I’m sorry for your situation. I don’t know the details, but from your words it seems obvious your husband doesn’t care much for you. And from his attitude, I can’t see much room for improvement.
@me: “What am i doing wrong and why can’t i be loved and adored?”
Well, first thing you did wrong was chosing and marrying him. I’m not blaming you, but it’s important acknowledging the importance of your choices. Our life is mostly the product of our own choices.
Awareness is empowering; denial is weakness.
Of course you can be loved (“adored” sounds quite idealized, though
): you just have to choose a man who is right for you, and can appreciate your qualities.
You could begin to talk with your husband and express your frustration; suggesting that you won’t accept that kind of behaviour much longer. Maybe he’ll change, maybe he won’t; just remember you cannot change other people, you can change only yourself.
I have only one question, with everything that you stated, why are you still wih him?
You’re with the wrong guy. Leave him.
I agree with Archy. Jerks come in both genders. Any men being treated in a similarly crappy manner by their wives should leave too.
I think in general that it’s become acceptable to treat your partner poorly, whatever gender that participants are. It’s become acceptable to be harsh and cruel and expect that you still get eat your cake. If culture and television spent more time portraying considerate behavior to your loved ones I think this would be less of a problem.
Here goes my kneejerk reaction to the popularity of the article, but I think it’s actually a valid point anyway:
I can’t help but wonder at the public reaction to an article if the genders were switched. Imagine the outrage if the letter circulating the internet said “I hate my wife” or “she disgusts me” or “sometimes I just want to kill her.” Would the advice columnists reassure him that such feelings are perfectly common and normal in a marriage? Somehow I doubt it. In that case such feelings would be taken as evidence of some sort of psychosis.
What really frustrates me is that the woman complaining about how bored she is with her husband receives quite a bit of sympathy and her husband quite a bit of animosity as some sort of marital failure. But, if a husband complained about his wife in such a way, the sympathy and animosity would still be the same – he’s a bad husband and she’s a long-suffering wife.
I agree with LF. I don’t see any evidence that anyone is really happy married; except, maybe, gays because their obligation appears to be considerably less permanent. It’s like a religion. Nobody believes the pie-in-the-sky crap they spout about gods and nirvanas, but they continue to spread the propaganda because there is money in those hills. Obviously, there is not way to rationally imagine the universe is a friendly place for a short-lived species like ours when the overwhelming majority of that space is hostile to life.
Likewise, no one is happier married than single or as a parent than without kids, but there is money in convincing the next generation of suckers that they will be happier “connected’ and “responsible.” Of course, once you are connected and responsible you become a more predictable, dependable taxpayer and employee. Society’s systems need that kind of drone worker, but the indentured individuals get nothing back in return for the commitment.
Obviously, the “stay-at-home parent” gets a benefit, at the cost of that person’s independence and competence, but there is no upside for the person on the other side of that equation. Smart people avoid marriage. Seriously stupid people are serial-committers. The rest of us screw up once and can’t cost-benefit ourselves out of the mess we’ve created. So, we all wish for “help” and we all wish we could take back the stupid decision to fill out that contract with our spouse. Some of us are smart enough to stay out of that mess twice, but most have been indoctrinated with enough mental illness to keep making the same mistake hoping for a different outcome.
Love your post and truly agree about being sold a bill of goods to keep us slaves to the system. Oddly I do believe in god though. I’ve actually tried to convince myself he’s not real but I can’t. Go figure. Back to topic now. I often think of living alone and I first feel sad and scared but then when I realize I’m more concerned about what everyone will think when I’m a crazy old cat lady than I am about being alone I get excited. I start thinking how awesome it would be. I also wonder why we have miss knowing that they will one day face death and hardship. It’s the ultimate selfish act.
That should read why we have kids ..
“Obviously, the “stay-at-home parent” gets a benefit, at the cost of that person’s independence and competence”
Excuse me? WHAT benefit would that be?
You don’t have children, do you?
Question to the guys out there: I am married to a man who says he loves me but then, during our 13 years together has never made me feel special. No honey moon, no gifts, no flowers ever! We have two beautiful sons and I have always worked and earned more than him. I have been saving for years and would love for us to buy our own Place but he always has some excuse. Last year he moved away from me and the kids to work abroad and although we talk every day, it is not the same. I kill myself working full time and taking care of the boys, and he does not have any compassion. My question is: can it be that he hates me and he does not want to be with me and he is just too afraid or weak to tell me? Can be that he has a lover? I just don’t understand how a man leaves a woman who is. Of necessarily bad looking and usually quite witty and to some degree sexy even. Thank God I am blessed with two sweet. Ours who love me so much, and the fact that I still feel attractive, but the truth is that I am terribly heart broken and feel very sad. I also would love to have someone love me back and maybe a massage flowers and more. But I am not sure what his deal is. We are suppose to reunite next month after nearly 3 months without seein each other, and I just wonder how he can go without sex for so long . I have to but isn’t it harder for men? Do you guys think he is cheating? Help
Do you do anything for him, special gifts, massages etc? He could be depressed which can appear to be a lack of interest in anything in life, there are a lot of variables so it’s best to just ask him instead of letting your mind think up the worst and worry about it. He could simply just be a man that likes stuff simple, no gifts, but without knowing him it’s hard to say.
My first questions would be, 1: as Archy asked, do you do anything to make him feel special? You expect it from him, do you reciprocate? 2: Why did you two get married in the first place? It doesn’t sound like there was much love in the relationship to begin with, so what prompted the proposal?
I tend to agree with Mark: it sounds like your couple never “sparked”. Maybe you married him in the hope the marriage would have made you loved… but perhaps it was more your assumption than reality.
By any chance, did you marry because you were pregnant?
(countless people did that, and then found they were a bad match)
If we’re acknowledging that men and women are different, communicate differently, experience emotions differently, etc– then isn’t, “How come women can say this about men, but men can’t say this about women?” a flawed question to begin with??
To me, it’s sort of an apples and oranges comparison, I guess, especially given that one of those groups is in a sphere that wields the bulk of privileges and controls many institutions in our society.
I’m commenting on the “rightness” or “wrongness” of a spouse sometimes hating their spouse, regardless of gender. I just don’t think this is a good for the goose/good for the gander scenario.
” isn’t, … a flawed question to begin with??”
No. Because, while men and woman may communicate differently, that does not mean they should be held to different standards. And if you want to argue it should, then this argument needs to apply to all aspects of gender debate, including military and emergency worker admission requirements, pay for construction, mining and oil rig type work, etc. But your falling back on patriarchy theory to defend your double standard would suggest this would not be acceptable to you.
“To me, it’s sort of an apples and oranges comparison,”
It always is for feminists defending a double standard.
“especially given that one of those groups is in a sphere that wields the bulk of privileges and controls many institutions in our society.”
“I just don’t think this is a good for the goose/good for the gander scenario.”
Can you defend your position without falling back on the gospil of patriarchy theory (and it is just a theory), which, whether true in the past or not is a matter of debate, does not exist in any way in our modern western society. Women may not be the bulk of the CEO’s, but even those CEO’s must pander to feminist political correctness. Not to mention men can be feminists too, such as Obama and Biden, leading to women’s interests dominating our political discussions and policies. And of course, there is family, where, again, women dominate, and equality remains a long way off.
I’m curious why you feel it is justified for women to treat their husbands worst than vice versa? Aren’t men deserving of the same respect extended to women? Or are you one of those female chauvinists who believe it is acceptable that men should be feared and despised as default until they prove themselves otherwise, while women should be respected and revered until they prove otherwise?
Where is it written that marriage is a cake walk? That once you have the rings on the fingers that everything is done with and it all falls together without a hitch? For better and for worse?
I’ve been married 38 years and am still madly in love with my wife. IMO, it was to our benefit that we married early (age 20) in that we did grow and mature together. We came out of the gate with the same beliefs and values so that was a non-issue. Of course we didn’t base our relationship on sex, it was based in “love.” Nonetheless, there were and continue to be some struggles.
I read somewhere, something about the frog syndrome. Where woman get married to their prince and later turn them into frogs. “He’s not the man I married” or is it he’s not the man you wanted or hoped to turn him into?
These are guys you fall in love with …. What changed? Or did it change? That cool “bad guy” is still the same guy you fell in love with (supposedly) … so I have to wonder if he’s the problem?
In the past 38 years, my wife and I have had a lot of ups and downs. We work together to keep things together. It takes a lot of hard work but it seems a lot of people today see marriage as disposable and it’s no big deal to break up ….
More later … Have to get to work
“Help! I am a person who wallows in feelings of hatred.” This would have been a more accurate title. There is nothing “gendered” (there is nothing specific to the sex of the person) about this character flaw. (PS: Please join the anti-newspeak revolution by helping to excise the discredited notion of “gender” which we have been sold by the social engineers. Nouns have gender. The male sex and the female sex are sexes, not “genders.”)
This is my absolute first time ever posting a comment on any website but felt compelled to whole-heartedly agree with “WornOutHusband”. He so eloquently and truthfully speaks of the industry of marriage and the system in place to keep people unhappy and indebted (both financially & emotionally). I currently live with the most argumentative individual probably on the whole planet and every day I think about living alone with our young daughter. I can’t stand him. He is a good father but the day to day bickering is too much. The notion of ‘total happiness’ in our culture in terms of marriage and relationships is overrated and unattainable. The human condition is struggle, love, suffer…. I get it, relationships take work, but the day to day with this guy is becoming unbearable….Anyone else have this problem???
The guy my ex girlfriend left me for dropped her for someone he works with! Your spell works fast! Of course she called me but I want nothing to do with her. I love knowing I had everything to do with this, wiseindividualspell@gmail.com is the best spell caster in the world.
I think the word hate is a very strong word. Before I was married I never used the word hate. Well I’ve been married 45 years and the word hate is now in my vocabulary. My husband only married me to see what it was like, and after a few days he hated marriage, what it stood for and the gross disgusting sex that followed. He decided he would move to the basement and live down there. He wanted nothing to do with me. All he wanted was don’t talk to him and leave him alone. So that is exactly what I’ve done. Were still married but only on paper where ever that may be. I burned what ever paper work I have.
Why did you stay married?
“After a few days” means you could have easily annullled the marriage.
Agreed. And you’d think if the husband only got married to see what it was like, he’d be more than willing to annul it after such a short time. I see the same thing in this story that I see in a lot of feminist theory (don’t know if Amy is feminist, only noting a similarity), and that is the assumption of men’s motives/intent, always hostile to women or entirely self serving, in order to explain an outcome that was undesirable to the woman/women, and absolves the of any responsibility in that outcome. Of course, we only have her side of the story, so we can’t be certain of how much is fiction, how much is projection and how much is truth.
I realize this is only my part of the story and I don’t know his thoughts or feelings. The reason being is he won’t talk to me, he just avoids me and walks away if I say some thing. Some one said I should of had the marriage annulled and he or she is right but I was the stupid one and didn’t. I thought that things would get better! I just didn’t have enough money to venture out on my own, and my parents didn’t want me back. I wish this was all ficton but its not. What bothers me the most is I’ve been a failure to my self, that is one thing that is my fault and I will live with it till I die. I can’t blame any one except ME.
Amy
It takes two to have a relationship. Your husband’ is responsible for his behaviour. Not you. You are responsible for you. I don’t know where you live, but there are places to go to help you find somewhere to live and provide emotional support.
You don’t have to stay in a relationship which is making you ill.
You can look after you, but not all alone, please reach out to one of the many women’s help services in your country. You have the internet; you have the greatest source of information available to humans at any time in history.