Morghan Leia Richardson’s comprehensive list for dads dealing with custody battles.
You are an active dad — way beyond changing a few diapers. You attend to the emotional needs of your kids and are genuinely involved in caretaking: potty training, homework, tantrums. You’re involved in a real, meaningful way.
What happens when an actively involved dad is faced with a nasty, contentious custody battle? Here are five things that active fathers should know before they set foot in a courtroom:
1. Fight as hard as you can to get the most time possible from the very start. Whether you want the kids to live with you (as primary residential custodial parent) or you simply want to have an “aggressive” visitation access schedule, be clear about your goals and push for what you want. If you want equal time (or any decent amount of time), you need to push for more from the very beginning of the case. Devise a strategy to demonstrate to the court that you understand your child’s routines, needs and care. Show why the schedule you are proposing is workable, realistic and in the “best interests of the child.” You cannot settle for a tiny “temporary” schedule and expect to fight for more later, because you are then fighting an uphill battle.
2. Find an attorney who gets it. Many divorce lawyers just don’t understand why dads want more access time. You are dealing with a system that has historically favored mothers’ custody wishes, and is only now very slowly changing. You need an attorney who will understand your reasons and help you in presenting your best case. How do you find a lawyer who gets it? Shop around: set up consultations with attorneys to see what their approach would be and how they respond to your end goal. Ask about other cases they have handled for active dads and creative solutions they have used. Read online reviews and get a feel for how attorneys respond to your questions in Q&A forums. If you feel like your lawyer is pushing you towards a bleak arrangement — push back. Make it clear to your attorney that you are not afraid of trial and help steer them away from the internal pressures for a hasty settlement. Unless you can live with that settlement, keep pushing to see the judge. But most importantly: find a lawyer who will help you fight for your goals from the start.
3. Do not bring child support issues up in custody conversations. Period. Many people — even some lawyers — will assume you want more time with your kids because you want to pay less child support, even when faced with facts that you are the more nurturing parent. While some states tie access time to support (like New Jersey), many do not: in New York, for example, even if parents settle on a 50-50 time share with the children, the law states that the parent who earns more will still pay child support. No matter where you live, try to keep these issues separate. Otherwise, your reasons for spending time with your child get colored by the notion that you “just don’t want to pay.”
4. Draw your schedule — literally. I do this with clients during mediation and also with attorneys at court: a quick calendar grid labeled by the days of the week with what mom and dad each propose. This is a highly effective tool because you might think “alternate weekends and Wednesday night dinner” doesn’t sound so bad. Draw it. You’ll see that the child will go seven days (twice a month!) without seeing dad at all. That’s an eternity to a young child accustomed to having dad around every day. Not only is drawing a persuasive tool for a reluctant “old school” attorney or judge, but many times mom will be persuaded as well. After all that’s seven straight days of no help from dad!
5. Cautiously extend the olive branch to your children’s mom. At the end of the day, once the lawyers are paid, the court hearings are over and the dust settles, you and your ex will be co-parenting your children. A horrible custody battle can set a toxic model for the rest of this long-term relationship. Be reasonable, even giving on certain issues that are important to her. The long-term payoff might be a positive co-parenting relationship — and that will directly benefit you and your kids.
This is a great article, if it weren’t for the realities of custody battles (from a father’s perspective). I would love to see something written addressing the aftermath of a custody arrangement; and something which is practical and straight-forward. All this vague advice does not acknowledge the realities. For example, my husband was denied the remainder of his summer vacation. He does not have time to file any paperwork claiming contempt, so he just sits back. I stay out of everything. It’s sad to watch and after meeting my husband, I genuinely feel for men in their uphill battle against… Read more »
One thing I would suggest is that you start out seeking sole physical custody of the children. Look at your support system as opposed to hers. If you can show that you have relatives who can watch the minor children while your at work etc, you can request sole physical custody. If you start out 50/50 and she starts out sole physical custody, you’re going to be settling for less than a 50/50 split.
I think you are missing my point.
When a woman has decided to use the courts,custody and the children as a weapon she is deliberatly abusing the father. The problem isn’t a lack of walking on eggshells on the part of the father, the dysfunction is the abusive woman and the system that is enabling and condoning her.
When a person that so abusive as to use custody and children as a weapon, offering olive branches to them is futile, risky and possibly counter productive – they have already decided to go for the jugular.
Orchid, I advise to do so cautiously – every situation is different. But, the truth is that once court is over you are both stuck with each other for life (or as long as there are parenting issues, and child-related milestones – graduations, weddings, grandchildren – so basically for life). At the end of the day, if there is a chance to tone down the animosity – take it. It will be better for the children. Worse than the court proceedings might be carrying around that bitter hate with you – if you can let that go, you will be… Read more »
Yeah, the thing is when you are dealing with a high conflict personality that’s using the courts and children as a weapon there is little to nothing that can be done about it.
Its more getting to the root of the problem to challenge the behaviour of these women and the system that supporting and condones their behaviour than it is advising men to walk on egg shells around what amounts to an abuser and their weapon of choice. They are the dysfunctional pieces of the picture.
6- Put all your firearms in storage at a gunsmith. When she accuses you of menacing show the police the receipt and try not to laugh when she is arrested.
7- Tell CPS about her hospitalizations in a very concerned voice.
8- Tell her and her sisters you do not consent to any conversations being recorded.
9- Don’t talk to her, let your lawyer talk to her vampire.
JA Drew,
Very funny. Or Sad. But beware: in New York you don’t have to notify the other person if you are recording them. If there is recording going on, then refuse to talk – reduce it to email or text or make the lawyers talk to each other.
Ms Richardson– In NY, I had understood that a statement to the effect of ” is this conversation being recorded? I do not agree to this conversation being recorded.” sufficed to make a tape ( wow that’s an age indicator) in admissible in a civil action… Of course this info was from business beefs years ago…
That’s cute. Of course that would work, if you trust that the person recording will save that part of the digital conversation. We aren’t dealing with tape these days – it is easier to chop things up. I’m not saying to be paranoid, but if you believe she’s recording you, don’t give her the chance or just be careful what you say and how you say it. There are also some programs that have been developed that funnel all communications between the parties through the program or service so that no one can make false allegations. Of course, they are… Read more »
Don’t talk to her. Communicate through text. Trust me, you’ll want to record what you said because otherwise she might make something up and apply for an order of protection.
Another thing I would throw in there is know what leverage points you have. In my custody battle, the leverage I had was that my kids’ mom had me removed from our home with a stay away OOP. She felt it was “her house” and no longer “our house” from that day forward. So, I used the chip of staying out of the house and being open to working with her to keep the house if she negotiated a settlement on the week to week parenting schedule. While I wanted a 50-50 split, I got just less than that using… Read more »
James,
You are definitely right – leverage can be very important. It is a sad commentary that time with the kids has to be bartered for property or money. Without knowing the facts of your case, I’m glad you feel like you got a good deal. Sounds like you are close to a 6/8 split.