The Center Will Not Hold

The center will not hold. The center is not holding. I have been unable to function as of late. I am behind all my assignments yet I am still not moving. I wake up with much to do and nothing to look forward to.

“I feel so ashamed around you because you know too much about me. Around other people, I can smile and pretend I’m handling life as I should. I can’t hide anything with you,” was what I meant to say. Instead, I said: “The only thing I feel around you is profound shame.” To which, you understood as being that I was ashamed of you. I wasn’t. You left before I had the chance to explain.

We admitted we were powerless over depression — that our lives had become unmanageable, is what we say as a variation of AA. After all, depression is akin to an addiction in that the more one thinks one is in control of their condition, the harder it is for them to overcome it.

But I didn’t know what it meant to be ‘powerless’. I didn’t know one could be. After all, aren’t we all responsible for what we are? If what we are are an accumulation of our actions, and are actions are all made from choice, wouldn’t we have the power to determine who we are? Was it not by choice, then, that I am the sort of person to be depressed and anxious?

I went to the doctor today. I said, “I’m looking to go on an SSRI again.”

Typing on the keyboard with two fingers, she turned the monitor towards me, showing a website containing a list of SSRIs. “Which one do you want?” she asked.

“I’m just worried about weight gain,” I said.

“Which one do you want? I’m sure you’ve done a lot of research,” she replied.

“The one with the least weight gain,” I answered.

“Uh — Okay, I’ll just give you the first one on the list. It is very popular,” she assured.

On the way home, I Googled LEXAPRO SIDE EFFECTS and found: “Half of the people who take Lexapro may experience weight gain of 7% or more while taking this medication.”

I paid $95 for the consultation.

. . .

If USEFUL ACTIONS are defined as actions with a utilitarian outcome, then CRYING can be considered a USEFUL ACTION. After all, crying activates the parasympathetic nervous system, releases oxytocin and endorphins, and fights bacteria in the eyes, which puts it at an approximate value of $2 per cry, which is equivalent to the cost of 4 sprays of oxytocin in a bottle, in addition to the price of a massage and organic artisanal eye drops.

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LAZINESS is often a label placed on depressed people. One should soon come to realise the difficulty of nursing a depressed patient. Yet, the difficulty is even more excruciating when the depressed patient is yourself. You are both the nurse and the patient.

CURIOUS how taking care of others is considered labor, yet taking care of yourself is not. One is often exempt from prioritizing a child over other tasks, not the child within us.

DEPRESSION is often thought of as the result of the gap between what one is supposed to be and what one is. It is not enough to let go of the anxiety. One must also let go of the expectations.

POWERLESSNESS refers to one’s inability to control one’s situation independently. It is distinct from HELPLESSNESS.

HELPLESSNESS refers to one’s inability to be assisted in overcoming one’s situation. Just because you are powerless doesn’t mean you are helpless. You can still be helped, if you ask for it.

“I ADMIT AM POWERLESS OVER MY DEPRESSION — THAT MY LIFE HAD BECOME UNMANAGEABLE,” I prayed. “GOD, PLEASE HELP ME.”

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This post was previously published on Celine Hosea’s blog.

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