In Writer and Director Megan Park’s My Old Ass, 39-year-old Elliott, played by Aubrey Plaza, returns to the past, our present, to advise her 18-year-old Young Ass, played by Maisy Stella, so that she can prevent her suffering in future. Chad, played by Percy Hynes White, the great love of Elliott’s life dies in the future. When Chad died, Elliott was devastated and heartbroken. She couldn’t imagine ever loving someone that way again. Old Ass Elliott wanted Young Ass Elliott to avoid that suffering.
Young Ass Elliott looks at her Old Ass. She says, “No.”
Old Ass Elliot asks, “No?”
Young Ass Elliott says, “No. I’m going to fall in love with Chad. And I going to love him so hard for however long we have.”
Chad sees both Elliott’s when he returns young Elliot’s stained shirt. Old Ass Elliott watches the both of them and smiles. She sees her young self, who is so in love with Chad. She sees how much Chad is in love with her, too.
Leaving Old Ass Elliott says, “It was really nice to meet you… Chad.” Chad opens his arms for a hug and says, “Good to meet you, too.” Elliott hesitates. She reluctantly hugs Chad and holds on tight. Aubrey Plaza is sublime in her Elliott’s tears. Chad was the great love of her life. He always will be.
Afterward, Old Ass Elliott tells her Young Ass, “You shouldn’t live your life for me or the future, or get stuck in the past, because that’s not living… I love you.”
We live for the present, in the present. The present is all we have. Lady MacBeth said, “What’s done cannot be undone.” The past is the past. We move on. Life moves on.
I try to live my life for the present, in the present. After all the present is all that I have. I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. I do what I love for as long as I can. I have a life I love, a life that I’m proud of.
In the past, I had childhood trauma and depression growing up with my Dad. I got that I was not good enough. That I never would be for anyone, especially me. However, I can’t change the past. It was not Dad’s fault. It was on me to fix myself, heal myself, and overcome me.
Aikido is the great love of my life that gives me life. Ishibashi Sensei said, “The purpose of Aikido is to release your fear.” I enter the attack, enter what I fear, in the danger. The safest place to be is under the attack, in the danger. I apply the Aikido technique to myself, not to the attacker. I work on myself, not them. Aikido Founder Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory of myself.” It’s only me against me in the present.
I enter the attack and hold my position. I open up. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough over, and over, and over again. I have nothing to do with what goes on inside someone else. I have a say in what goes on inside me. I free myself in the present, not for the future.
I work with my therapist Lance Miller to heal myself and resolve my childhood fear of Dad, my fear that I’m not good enough from the past. I forgive Dad for not knowing how to be a father, for being afraid inside, and for being imperfectly human. I forgive myself for not being strong enough to stand up to Dad and protect Mom when I was a little boy. I forgive myself for being imperfectly human, too. I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not in the present.
My other great love is writing for The Good Men Project about loving and forgiving thine own self in the present to find one’s path to end suffering. Maybe, what I write in the present helps someone out there who could have been me, find their path, find their way.
I’m on the journey to fall madly and deeply in love with someone who will love me the same way back. On the journey to find the great love of my life. Although I’m not what women want. I’m 5’3”. I’m not handsome. I’m not exactly rich. In the past, women have dismissed or used me, because of that. In the present, that doesn’t matter. I work on being the greater-than version of myself in the present. Who knows? Maybe, I’ll have what Aubrey Plaza’s Old Ass Elliott saw in her Young Ass Elliott and Chad: Love. Lightning could strike.
Old Ass Elliott was right. “You shouldn’t live your life for… the future or get stuck in the past, because that’s not living.” The late Mizukami Sensei taught me to take a glancing blow, take a risk to have a meaningful life. I have a life that I love.
Love yourself for who you are and forgive yourself for who you’re not in the present. Live for the present, in the present. After all, the present is all that we have.
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