You Can Unfollow People in Real Life

In our modern culture, most of us are on social media on a daily basis. We use it to connect with friends, learn about new trends, read news, get daily bites of inspiration, memes, quotes and more. It’s hard to remember a time when we weren’t so plugged in.

Social media has been around since the 1980’s and AOL Chat, but probably the first platform to gain traction was Myspace, launched in 2003. I’m so old I can actually admit to meeting my ex-husband on AOL back in 2001.

Today, there are more social medias than ever, and most of us have a profile on several of them. We have apps on our phones, and constant notifications. We are constantly inundated with information, and technology connects us across the world more than ever before.

In the aftermath of the 2024 US Elections, many people are in an uproar over Elon Musk as the pick for his new Department Of Government Efficiency. With Musk set to be a part of Trump’s cabinet, millions of users have left his social media platform X.

According to ABC News, many of these users (myself included!) have departed X for Bluesky:

Bluesky had about 6 million users in August. But since the Nov. 5 election, the new social media platform’s popularity has exploded and the site now boasts some 20 million users.

On Bluesky, a new community of left-leaning voices is forming, in addition to the community that was already present on the platform. There is even a guide on WikiHow about how to import your X profile, followers and tweets onto Bluesky. Although having deactivated X prior to starting my new profile and not used this Wiki, I can’t personally say whether this process may be difficult.

Unfriending in Real Life

Just like you can unfriend and unfollow people online, you can do so in real life as well. If there are relationships that aren’t good for your mental health, you are under no obligation to continue them, no matter what you have shared in the past.

Jim Rohn once said, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

It may take some real soul searching to determine which people in your life are influencing your thoughts, actions and decisions. Think about the spaces that you spend the most time in, and decide whether they are a good fit to your personal values.

According to a LinkedIn article by AMF Consulting:

Our social circle can either be a springboard for success or a roadblock to our dreams. It’s crucial to assess the impact our relationships have on our lives. Surrounding ourselves with those who uplift and inspire us enables us to tap into our full potential. We should all evaluate our inner circle and seek out those who challenge us, believe in our potential, and drive us toward our dreams.

This is a common thought in the business world, where we may be seeking to network and build our careers. We can seek out mentorship, friends, and positive connections to help propel us towards success.

Although this is true in the workplace, it is even more important when it comes to our personal lives. Often our friends and family are the ones we consult about important decisions we make. We seek out advice, find love and companionship, and spend a great deal of time with our closest connections.

Whether it is at work, with friends, family or in relationships, it is important to be intentional of who we spend our time with.

In the aftermath of the election in 2016, I took a lot of time to reevaluate my own relationships. People say not to let politics effect our relationships, but I believe that the values we hold most dear in life determine both our political leanings and the way we treat people in our daily lives.

After the 2016 election, I saw lots of my sister’s friends and extended family on her husband’s side bragging about the Trump win. Personally, I don’t know how any self-respecting woman could vote for a man with so many rape allegations against him. Getting into arguments with women who had voted against the rights of other women broke my heart.

Not only that, I had gotten into it quite a lot during the election cycle about the Colorado vote to raise the minimum wage. A lot of her friends were against doing so, and it raised the question for me repeatedly of “do you think poor people deserve to die?” At the time I was working with the Title I Schools Program, and had to do in depth research on poverty rates that led me to heartbreaking stories that could probably fill a book all on their own.

After hearing so much hate spewed by my sister’s friends online, not only did I block them online, I stopped seeing them in real life. Prior to doing so, I sent my sister an email you can read here:

I decided to stop spending time with my sister and her friends. We used to play Magic the Gathering together every Friday at a shop one of her friends owned. Same friend who was against raising minimum wage. So I stopped frequenting that shop and went elsewhere.

Not only did I lose a relationship with my sister over politics and narrow-minded social values, I lost other friends as well. Some were people I had known for years and grown up with in church.

They tell you not to talk about religion or politics at the dinner table. But when you sweep things under the rug, you allow yourself to continue in relationships that may be damaging to your self-esteem, mental health, and your own value system.

Were you raised by narcissists?

I’ve been to a lot of therapy. I have PTSD from growing up in a family of narcissists, and recovery has been a hard road. It takes a lot of inner strength to realize that your family is actively harming you, and to walk away. But, when someone is a narcissist, they are extremely unlikely to change.

While Narcissists present a very small percentage of the population, the damage they can cause in your life is huge. This makes learning to recognize red flags in your relationships important.

According to Duke Health here are some ways to recognize a narcissist in your own life:

Sense of self-importance
Preoccupation with power, beauty, or success
Entitled
Can only be around people who are important or special
Interpersonally exploitative for their own gain
Arrogant
Lack empathy
Must be admired
Envious of others or believe that others are envious of them

If someone in your inner circle is a narcissist, they can create a toxic environment in your family, friend group or workplace. Learning to recognize the signs of a narcissist can help you be wary of the damage they can cause to your mental health.

Additionally, there are some important facts to keep in mind when thinking about if someone in your life is a narcissist.

I am NOT saying Trump voters are narcissists — though there is a popular opinion among health professionals that Trump himself is.
Narcissistic personality disorder can only be formally diagnosed by a mental health professional.

Though your therapist may tell you it’s likely that someone in your life is a narcissist, or you may think so based on your own research, only a professional treating that person can say so for sure. Unfortunately, Narcissists rarely will seek out therapy for themselves, since most of the psychological harm they cause is to others.

Setting Boundaries

Whether you disagree with someone in your life based on politics, their values or the way they treat you, the answer you may come to is the same. You need to set boundaries with that person to maintain your mental health.

You aren’t responsible for other people’s behavior, or their happiness.

You are responsible for yourself first and foremost, and making sure that you prioritize your own wellbeing.

This includes family (with the exception of young children in your care) and you are not obligated to maintain a relationship with anyone if they are making you feel bad about yourself.

According to Very Well Health:

Boundaries can be thought of as stop signs in your life. Where you put your stop signs and what you consider “crossing the line” will vary based on your beliefs, values, cultural customs, and family traditions.

When you set a boundary with someone, you are telling them how you will or won’t allow yourself (or your children!) to be treated. It is perfectly acceptable to insist on being treated with courtesy, respect and kindness.

When you have healthy boundaries with other people, Very Well Health provides the following examples:

Being able to say, “no,” and accept when someone else says “no”
Being able to clearly communicate both wants and needs
Honoring and respecting their own needs and the needs of others
Respecting others’ values, beliefs, and opinions, even if they are different from one’s own
Feeling free to disclose and share information where appropriate
Flexibility without compromising yourself in an unhealthy way

By setting boundaries in our relationships, we allow for true emotional closeness and trust with the people closest to us. People who are “safe” will understand and honor your boundaries and treat you with respect.

When you first begin to assert boundaries in your relationships, it may be difficult at first. Personally, when I tried to set boundaries with my narcissistic mother, she said:

You don’t deserve to have boundaries.

Anyone who responds like this is a huge red flag. Or maybe a big, flashing neon sign. However, most people aren’t going to respond like this. Some may perpetually violate your boundaries, and you will have to become more assertive.

According to Katarina Stoltz:

The people who are triggered by you setting boundaries, are the people who in the past benefited from your having none.

In other words, if you have been a people-pleaser, someone who was go-with-the-flow, or low-maintenance, starting to set boundaries is going to upset some of the people in your life. Usually, this is a sign that these people have bad intentions and were taking advantage of your kindness in the past.

As you learn to set boundaries and say no to things that aren’t serving your peace and mental health, some relationships are probably going to fall by the wayside. It’s OK to grieve the loss of these relationships, especially if they are close or long-standing. However, you will be better in the long run if you surround yourself with people who truly care about your wellbeing.

At times, violating your boundaries may cross the line into abuse. Very Well Health provides these guidelines for recognizing abuse:

Violating your physical safety
Exerting excessive control of your life
Constantly scaring you
Being hyper-controlling and preventing you from doing reasonable things you’d like to do
Forcing you to do things you don’t want to

If you are currently in a relationship where your partner is, or if you or someone you care about is being abused, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1–800–799-SAFE (7233) or text “START” to 88788.

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As human beings, connection is one of our deepest needs. The people in our lives shape our life experiences in ways that sometimes we don’t even notice. The things they say, over time, become the things we say to ourselves without thinking about it.

Learning to be intentional in all of our relationships, and forming an inner circle where everyone has everyone else’s best interests at heart, can greatly enrich our lives.

If a relationship is causing you physical or psychological harm, it’s likely time for some distance. You can start by asserting boundaries, spending less time with that person, and seeking out a good therapist! It is also important to report abuse to the police, make a safety plan, and find a way out!

The quality of your life matters, and no one should ever feel like they are being forced to endure abuse.

Even if you are not being abused, it is still possible for relationships to become toxic. This can happen if you have differing value systems, or if someone repeatedly violates your boundaries. In a case like this, try to have a frank discussion with that person and decide where to go from there.

Keep in mind that, just like online, you can unfriend people in real life.

If you enjoyed this story, please share with your friends on social media. If you appreciate my work, you can also Buy Me a Coffee in a sustainable, re-usable cup or donate to my GoFundMe to cover my medical costs.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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